Opens on the USS Kelvin. We see a modern style of bridge whilst getting sound effects from the original series.
Original sound effects. That is a nice touch.
But the technology looks too sophisticated compared to the original series will I even be able to sit through this?
I want to show how evil I am by stabbing you. Please come aboard.
Sure. Kirk's dad, take over and do something heroic. Also have a long talk with your wife try to make it emotional and significant.
He does so. As the auto pilot predictably fails, he rams the Romulan ship.
Why didn't you stop him from ramming us? Our first salvo alone almost destroyed them.
Sorry Sir, my computer switched to space invaders and I didn't notice.
Well how long until the ship's repaired?
I'd say about 25 years.
I must ensure my son never talks like that.
Exciting. Maybe Star Trek will make a come back.
A Nokia phone rings in the car of a young Kirk.
This ring tone is annoying, I'll stop it by driving off the cliff.
Reckless and stupid, hopefully his character will develop into just being reckless.
We see an older Kirk in a bar chatting up Uhura.
My character's gone from someone who empowers black women, to a sex symbol.
Director JJ Abrams
Whoa, whoa lets not get political.
Kirk gets into a bar fight and his style doesn't cause instant laughter amongst the audience.
That's not Kirk.
That's because you can't tell the difference between a character and an actor. See this http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/2011/07/difference-between-star-trek-fan-and.html
Hello I'm here to pretend this is loloyalty to the original back story.
Don't tell me the film is going to get all boring and cerebral.
He convinces Kirk to turn his life around and join star fleet in just 2 minutes of conversation.
Despite the way you won whilst munching an apple, we have only just worked out that you cheated.
Hey couldn't that Admiral be me?
Writers, cast, crew and audience
To continue this movies similarity with the Wrath of Khan, the Enterprise will be crewed by cadets.
Star fleet's really that short staffed? Most illogical.
We'll see how logical you are as the movie progresses.
We're thinking the same about the story.
McCoy sneaks Kirk aboard and the writers get to make a dig at Shatner.
Hey Jim quick we've only got 20 seconds to take a look at this ship, not the traditional 20 minutes.
Please fix my hands and tongue I can't stand these ridiculous hand gestures and.....badly...........................impaired.......linedelivery...............any...more.
Anyone who has ever seen Star Trek before
He he he he!
We're vedy Keptin.
Look lad, Kirk did something about his voice. I'd appreciate you doing the same.
I'm worried about this whole sky diving through space thing.
OK that makes me feel better.
The red shirt bites it.
Yeah this takes us back.
Oh no, he had all the charges.
What! Why would only one of us carry charges?
We can destroy this with a couple of shots from these guns.
Well at least that's better than you destroying it with your ridiculous sword.
Vulcan is destroyed anyway. It's actually the only significantly shocking event to happen in Star trek that won't be fixed by the end.
Well trying to stop that drill was a waste of my time... I mean...
Get off of my ship.
Kirk gets marooned on a planet where he is likely to die, because the young Spock is kind of an ass.
What a beautiful stroke of luck, now you get to meet me.
Look old man I've had a really really long day, I'd love to talk but...
He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall mind meld with him. I mean you.
It wont give me a head ache will it?
It will make this exposition a lot more visually interesting.
Despite clearly being a talented engineer, star fleet left me here.
Can you get us back on board the Enterprise?
No problem, I'll beam us onto a ship travelling at warp light years away.
But Picard's transporters...
Don't ever mention that name again. Well at least not until we need another franchise boost.
They warp to catch up with Nero's ship which is apparently slower than the less advanced Enterprise.
I know your face, what you were going to become. Trust me I'm doing you a favour.
Romulan bastard you killed my dad. By the way did my alternate self survive impossible situations because the villain talked too much?
Actually he did... Fine, and I could have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you pesky kids.
Spock destroys the drill from space.
I really wish I'd thought of this when we were at Vulcan.
Kirk, Spock and Pike beam out.
Shall I take us to a safe distance and let that ship get destroyed by that black hole.
No, they could go back in time again and give us a film version of Enterprise. No one wants that. Besides seeing the Enterprise firing all phasers looks cool.
They escape , no one in the audience was on the edge of their seat. Kirk is made Captain of the Enterprise.
Could you ever see the Navy promoting a cadet to a Captain after one mission.
And so the Enterprise crew warps off happy as can be, whilst I deliver the closing monologue, I feel..... old.
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