Star Trek XI: First Draft Parody Script

Opens on the USS Kelvin. We see a modern style of bridge  whilst getting sound effects from the original series.

Trek Fans

Original sound effects. That is a nice touch.

Fanatical Trekkies

But the technology looks too sophisticated compared to the original series will I even be able to sit through this?

Trek Fans

Shut up!

 *****

Nero

I want to show how evil I am by stabbing you. Please come aboard.

Captain Robau

Sure. Kirk's dad, take over and do something heroic. Also have a long talk with your wife try to make it emotional and significant.

Kirk's dad

I'll try.

He does so. As the auto pilot predictably fails, he rams the Romulan ship.

Nero

Why didn't you stop him from ramming us? Our first salvo alone almost destroyed them.

Romulan Gunner

Sorry Sir, my computer switched to space invaders and I didn't notice.

Nero

Well how long until the ship's repaired?

Romulan Engineer

I'd say about 25 years.

Nero

Daaaaaarn!

Kirk's mother

I must ensure my son never talks like that.

Audience

Exciting. Maybe Star Trek will make a come back.

A Nokia phone rings in the car of a young Kirk.

Audience

Then again...

Young Kirk

This ring tone is annoying, I'll stop it by driving  off the cliff.

Trek Fans

Reckless and stupid, hopefully his character will develop into just being reckless.

We see an older Kirk in a bar chatting up Uhura.

Uhura

My character's gone from someone who empowers black women, to a sex symbol.

Director JJ Abrams

Whoa, whoa lets not get political.

Kirk gets into a bar fight and his  style doesn't cause instant laughter amongst the audience.

Fanatical Trekkies

That's not Kirk.

Trek Fans

That's because you can't tell the difference between a character and an actor. See this http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/2011/07/difference-between-star-trek-fan-and.html

Captain Pike

Hello I'm here to pretend this is loloyalty to the original back story.

Kirk

Don't tell me the film is going to get all boring and cerebral.

Captain Pike

Goodness no.

He convinces Kirk to turn his life around and join star fleet in just  2 minutes of conversation.

Admiral somebody

Despite the way you won whilst munching an apple, we have only just worked out  that you cheated.

Jonathan Archer

Hey couldn't that Admiral be me?

Writers, cast, crew and audience

No!

 *****

Captain Pike

To continue this movies similarity with the Wrath of Khan, the Enterprise will be crewed by cadets.

Spock

Star fleet's really that short staffed?  Most illogical.

Captain Pike

We'll see how logical you are as the movie progresses.

Trek Fans

We're thinking the same about the story.

McCoy sneaks Kirk aboard and the writers get to make a dig at Shatner.

Dr McCoy

Hey Jim quick we've only got 20 seconds to take a look at this ship, not the traditional 20 minutes.

Kirk

Please fix my hands and tongue I can't stand these ridiculous hand gestures and.....badly...........................impaired.......linedelivery...............any...more.

Anyone who has ever seen Star Trek before

 He he he he!

 *****

Chekov

We're vedy Keptin.

Captain Pike

Look lad, Kirk did something about his voice. I'd appreciate you doing the same.

 *****

Kirk

I'm worried  about this whole sky diving through space thing.

Red shirt

Hi.

Kirk

OK that makes me feel better.

The red shirt bites it.

Trek Fans

Yeah this takes us back.

 *****

Sulu

Oh no, he had all the charges.

Kirk

What! Why would only one of us carry charges?

Sulu

We can destroy this with a couple of shots from these guns.

Kirk

Well at least that's better than you destroying it with your ridiculous sword.

Vulcan is destroyed anyway. It's actually the only significantly shocking event to happen in Star trek that won't be fixed by the end.

Kirk

Well trying to stop that drill was a waste of my time... I mean...

Spock

Get off of my ship.

Kirk gets marooned on a planet where he is likely to die, because the young Spock is kind of an ass.

.

Old Spock

What a beautiful stroke of luck, now you get to meet me.

Kirk

Look old man I've had a really really long day, I'd love to talk but...

Old Spock

He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall mind meld with him. I mean you.

Kirk

It wont give me a head ache will it?

Old Spock

It will make this exposition a lot more visually interesting.

 *****

Scotty

Despite clearly being a talented engineer, star fleet left me here.

Kirk

Can you get us back on board the Enterprise?

Scotty

No problem, I'll beam us onto a ship travelling at warp light years away.

Old Spock

But Picard's transporters...

Kirk

Don't ever mention that name again. Well at least not until we need another franchise boost.

They warp to catch up with Nero's ship which is apparently slower than the less advanced Enterprise.

Nero

I know your face, what you were going to become. Trust me I'm doing you a favour.

Kirk

Romulan bastard you killed my dad. By the way did my alternate self survive impossible situations because the villain talked too much?

Nero

Actually he did... Fine, and I could have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you pesky kids.

Spock destroys the drill from space.

Spock

I really wish I'd thought of this when we were at Vulcan.

Kirk, Spock and Pike beam out.

Sulu

Shall I take us to a safe distance and let that ship get destroyed by that black hole.

Kirk

No, they could go back in time again and give us a film version of Enterprise. No one wants that. Besides seeing the Enterprise firing all phasers looks cool.

They escape , no one in the audience was on the edge of their seat.  Kirk is made Captain of the Enterprise.

Kirk

Could you ever see the Navy promoting a cadet to a Captain after one mission.

Trek Fans

Who cares?

Kirk

True.

Trekkies

True.

Leonard Nimoy

And so the Enterprise crew warps off happy as can be, whilst I deliver the closing monologue, I feel..... old.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Reasons to Love Rather Than Hate Star Trek XI

With all of the criticism this movie received from some Star Trek fans. I’ve written this to point out why it’s a great viewing experience. Not just as a movie but as part of the Star Trek legacy.

Firstly and  most importantly

The movie was supported by both Majel Barrett and Leonard Nimoy. They wouldn’t have participated unless they liked it. Nimoy turned down a role in Generations for example. Both of them were with Star Trek from its original pilot and were the best qualified to judge.

Affectionate use of old Star Trek clichés

You have to smile at the familiar lines and the use of a red shirt.

Abandonment of tired Star Trek clichés

1. The Enterprise is not the only ship in range. 7 ships go to meet the Narada and there is an explanation for why there are not more.
2. Lack of technobable, technology is there to facilitate the plot not to solve it.
3. Overuse of the transporter. For once the transporter isn’t an easy solution and has a sense of danger attached to it. When was the last time it was used in as exciting a way as it was over Vulcan?

Engaging characters

The interaction between Kirk, Spock and McCoy feel true to the how I remembered them. They are all interesting to watch and faithful to the original crew. For the first time since Star Trek IV each character also go their moment to shine.  Even Chekov and Uhura, who were regularly just named back ground characters with a few lines.

Great music

The sound track is stirring and the main theme strikes just the right balance of being new yet keeping the Star Trek feel.

Great action

Not many space scenes have been so fun to watch. With battles that are fast yet also make sense. Being the first movie since the motion picture to have a decent budget they definitely used the money well.

Good acting

After some of the shocking performences we have seen in Star Trek over the years they managed to do a good job when casting this movie.



Skydive

A fantastic scene which shows the makers trying something different with Trek.

New Enterprise

The Enterprise has changed but it’s no more drastic than the change that happened when the ship was brought to the big screen. The Enterprise in Star Trek: The motion picture may as well have been a new ship. The creators of Star Trek XI did a good job with the latest design managing to stay true to the original style. They also introduced the glass windscreen which makes a lot of sense considering the location of a star fleet bridge. Now watching the other Trek shows I often think this. It would have helped in a lot of stories.

The uniforms

Did anyone honestly think they could pull off the original costumes in a way that didn’t look cheap and unbelievable on the big screen?



Genuinely funny

Definitely an area the TNG outings fell flat in this movie has some great lines.

Characters listen to music which isn't Classical or Jazz

The bar scene was very refreshing as we see that a positive view of the future doesn't have to ban club music.

Proper use of time travel

With all the complaints made about the plot people forget one important thing. The time travel wasn’t under anyone’s control it happened by accident! This avoided many of the pit falls that plagued Star Trek Voyager and Star Trek Enterprise. It wasn’t used as a magic trick which could allow characters to do what they liked and try again if they failed. It ine of the main reasons people hate the movie but its use is far more effective than in many Star Trek stories.

The shot of the Enterprise rising above Titan

One of the best ship shots in any of the Star Treks.
The best compliment I can give this movie is that it took me back to my childhood. It felt like I was watching classic Star Trek again. A feeling I haven’t had since Trials and Tribulations. The director JJ Abrams and the writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman are clearly fond of Star Trek being loyal to what its about. They have also rediscovered the raw excitement and cowboy style that has been lost over the years. It will hopefully have saved Trek the way Wrath of Khan had.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.