James Bond Dr No: First Draft Parody Script

Opens up with the startling scene of the viewer being shot. Talk about opening with a bang.

We then see 3 blind men walking through the city.

Director Terence Young

This is a far cry from the parody movie of Casino Royale… really!

Audience

Errr?

The 3 blind men turn out to be assassins.

Audience

Phew.

We then meet Bond, James Bond at the Poker table.

Audience

Errr?

James Bond

This isn’t like the last movie. Honest! Just look how suave I am.

Money Penny

Fancy starting off the next 50 years of sexual tension.

James Bond

Haven’t you noticed how direct I when it comes to getting the women I want? You should really take the hint.

M

I am the most important man in british intelligence. IAM NOT JUST HERE FOR EXPOSITION!

James Bond

What is my mission then!

M

Sigh…You get to go to Jamaica. Lucky you. But whilst sunbathing try to find a man called Strangways. Oh and take a new gun, a PPK. It will help you with your invincibility.

Bond arrives in Jamica where we get the first thrilling car chase of the franchise… where Bond is being chauffer driven…

James Bond

Talk!

Chauffer

Ok, but first let me have a cigarette.

James Bond

Ok but you know smoking will kill you.

Chauffer

You’re right. Gak!

James Bond

I really should have seen that coming.

*****

James Bond

That wasn’t very subtle. Taking a photo of me like that.

Photographer

I hope that one day cameras will be smaller. Much smaller!

James Bond

Tell us who you work for or we’ll hurt you.

Felix Lighter

Bond you’ll casually kill hundreds of men. You’ll even casually endanger women and children for a cool stunt. But you always have a soft spot when confronted with a single beautiful woman. Now enough time wasting, we need to talk to Dr No.

James Bond

Oh that is just wonderful he really does sounds like an agreeable character.

The fantastic and thrilling Bond theme continues to get played as we watch James Bond… sending a cable and collecting his car keys?

James Bond

These rock samples are radioactive? I will not show any concern though. I will just proceed straight to Dr No’s secret lair.

We get a classic Bond car chase with the use of rear projection. They sure used to struggle with getting the perspective right on these old special effects. Fortunately for Bond the enemy car doesn’t appear to have any brakes.

Quarrel

I’m not sure about taking you to the island Mr Bond. I’m a black man in a 60s action movie, I’m bound to have a horrible death.

James Bond

Maybe, but this is going to be a long franchise, you should try and have a memorable place in it.

Honey Ryder

That’s certainly my intention.

James Bond

Wow that entrance will definitely leave an impression. The white bikini is enough to forget even the bad song dubbing and hopefully this weird idea that you would come to a dangerous island just to collect shells.

Honey Ryder

My motivations maybe dubious, but I am a critical part of this story… Really!

James Bond

Really.

Honey Ryder

I can help you, I know the island well.

James Bond

Ok show us. Just leave behind anything you don’t really need… like proper clothing…

*****

Quarel

Look Mr Bond a dragon! Wait I’m not that stupid… let’s needlessly shoot it.

Quarrel shoots away and gets his death scene. They then go to the hidden lair of Dr No.

James Bond

Hello Dr No you’ve been introduced into this movie really late haven’t you?

Dr No

Well I hope to live on in a variety pf parodies.

James Bond

Interesting. So what brings you here?

Dr No

I was once a treasurer for a large criminal organisation called  S.P.E.C.T.R.E. But I left them after stealing 100 BILLION DOLLARS!

James Bond

HAHAHAHA! Dr No this is 1962 that amount of money doesn’t even exist.

Dr No

Ok, ok it was just 10 million.

James Bond

And you spent a million dollars on the fish tank? You must really love fish…and lasers?

Dr No

No.

James Bond (Looking crestfallen)

What a shame.

Bond gets thrown into an inescapable cell.

James Bond

Inescapable? No its not it’s easy I just need to use my show to get into this oversized air/water vent.

Q

You escaped uing just your shoe? We can’t have that. I’d better make myself busy. How are you going to stop Dr No? By throwing some switches?

James Bond

Just one actually.  Now come here for a climatic fight Dr I Barely Know.

Dr No

No, no I’m beaten. Why are all of my minions running away like cowards.

Where is my number 2 guy to help?

Bond rescues Honey Ryder and escapes just in time.

James Bond

The boats out of fuel but that’s no reason to delay our loving.

Honey Ryder

But we could die out here.

James Bond

Don’t be silly, my name is Bond, James Bond.

Terminator Salvation: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a boring scene in a research lab. This is unnecessarily long in an attempt to make us care about Marcus.

Christian Bale

I'm Batman... I mean, I'm John Connor.

Commander

Would you please stop monologuing and do your job?

John Connor

Yes of course. I'll try to rescue those people by chasing a fast jet plane in a slow moving helicopter...alone. What could go wrong?

He crashes then gets thrown around by a T600.

John Connor

Can't you just rip my heart out like Schwarzenegger did in the first movie?

T600

That's coming with the next software upgrade. Skynet  2019.

Cut to resistance command, cleverly hidden in a self sustaining submarine.

Colonel America

Down here we will be safe from Skynet's satellite surveillance.

Colonel Britain

What about all of our helicopter's air planes?

Colonel America

No one's seemed to think of that.....

Officer

Dont' worry I've got a distraction here. John Connor wants to come aboard, he just jumped into the ocean.

Colonel America

Idiot! Try and find him in this raging ocean.

*****

John Connor

Hail me.

Colonel America

I'm the resistance leader, don't get confident just because you're better than me.

John Connor

I had to come here because every time I call you hang up.I do have feelings you know? Also for someone hidden under the ocean I thought you would appreciate the intelligence.

Colonel America

Are you calling me stupid.

John Connor

I... Look just give me your super top secret plans because I never put myself in a position where I could get caught.

Marcus wanders around a devastated LA. He doesn't remember what's happened but he is very calm about it all.

Marcus

Hmm that's a very dangerous looking Robot, but then if I talk to it I may find out it's a vending machine.

He gets rescued by Kyle Reese who destroys the T600 in a ridiculous manner more suited for the A Team.

Marcus

Why didn't you use your gun?

Kyle Reese

That's the Terminator's style not mine.

Marcus

That's stupid! But I'll stay with you anyway due to a timely attack.

Kyle Reese

We stay down by day... actually we move around by day and get a good night's sleep. It's a shame because the future fighting looked far cooler in the first 2 films. Still we can't go pleasing the fans by sticking to a few simple rules.

They escape LA, with Reese learning how to drive incredibly well in just 10 seconds. Then they're attacked by a giant transformer which believes grabbing people with huge unwieldy arms to be more efficient than just gassing them.

Marcus

I'm alive? I'm alive! I knew those diving lessons would come in handy. Now to cut down this resistance  pilot in a way that would likely break her legs.

They go to Connor's base which is protected by anti Terminator mines. One attaches to  Marcus's leg, dazing him rather than blowing him to pieces.

John Connor

The question is who bought cheap mines?

Kate

No the question is, what's with the Terminator/human hybrid?

John Connor

And why is it more advanced than the other Terminators?

Marcus

And why are you going to trust me to infiltrate Skynet?

John Connor

I'm human and go with my heart. Just as people did when they trusted machines with all our military defences... Well, safe journey.

John Connor wanders into Skynet central ALONE!

John Connor

Why am I doing this alone? Especially as my soldiers will fly in later without any trouble.

Director MCG

This is more exciting and tense.

John Connor

What about having Terminators that can actually terminate someone​?

Director MCG

Just get on with it.

*****

Skynet

Good morning Marcus. I'm going to explain our plans as any intelligent villain would do.

Marcu

This is getting far too much like ' I Robot ' I'm going to save Connor.

Skynet

You can't I sent Schwarzenegger to kill him. I could have sent the thousands of Terminators which are just loitering around the factory. But for a computer that killed billions of humans by nuking them, I am surprisingly sporting.

Marcus

You at least gave Schwarzenegger a gun right?

Skynet

Err no...

Marcus

Ha-ha.

Marcus runs off avoiding the thousands of guards, Connor clearly taught him a few things.

Skynet

I knew I should have just kept him talking with the whole prequel or sequel debate.

Despite having a miniature canon on him John shoots the Schwarzenegger with a gun he knows will do no harm. Schwarzenegger just plays with him as well.

John Connor

You're not going to rip my  heart out either?

Schwarzenegger

Skynet 2019!

John Connor

Right... Shame this script doesn't explain why a Terminator in America has an Austrian accent. Ow! Stop throwing me around it's getting really repetitive and boring.

Director MCG

Hmm that CGI face is getting expensive.

John Connor

I'll handle that.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hey you're stripping my ability to relate with humans.

John Connor

You never had it.

The battle goes on but the T800 still doesn't kill him. Yet he manages to disable semi Terminator Marcus in less than a minute.

John Connor

I will now kill you in the same way that you died in Terminator 2.

This doesn't work for some reason but puts the Terminator on pause for a minute.

T800

Where are all of the other Terminators when you need them?

John Connor

Where are the rest of the resistance when you need them.

Marcus finally kills the T800 and gets Connor out of Skynet.

Marcus

That was easy.

John Connor

If a little drawn out.

Mute girl hands Connor the detonator to set off a nuclear explosion which he uses despite being just a couple of hundred feet from the blast. They survive?

Marcus

You can have my heart.

Kate

Wont that raise a big ethical dilema?

Marcus

No I don't think the audience can sit through any more of this movie I'll just brush it off with two lines of dialouge.

John Connor is saved and ready for transport just minutes after a heart transplant.

John Connor

I better mention that Skynet hasn't been completely destroyed. There is no sequel but what someone else makes loads of money out of for themselves.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Star Trek XI: First Draft Parody Script

Opens on the USS Kelvin. We see a modern style of bridge  whilst getting sound effects from the original series.

Trek Fans

Original sound effects. That is a nice touch.

Fanatical Trekkies

But the technology looks too sophisticated compared to the original series will I even be able to sit through this?

Trek Fans

Shut up!

 *****

Nero

I want to show how evil I am by stabbing you. Please come aboard.

Captain Robau

Sure. Kirk's dad, take over and do something heroic. Also have a long talk with your wife try to make it emotional and significant.

Kirk's dad

I'll try.

He does so. As the auto pilot predictably fails, he rams the Romulan ship.

Nero

Why didn't you stop him from ramming us? Our first salvo alone almost destroyed them.

Romulan Gunner

Sorry Sir, my computer switched to space invaders and I didn't notice.

Nero

Well how long until the ship's repaired?

Romulan Engineer

I'd say about 25 years.

Nero

Daaaaaarn!

Kirk's mother

I must ensure my son never talks like that.

Audience

Exciting. Maybe Star Trek will make a come back.

A Nokia phone rings in the car of a young Kirk.

Audience

Then again...

Young Kirk

This ring tone is annoying, I'll stop it by driving  off the cliff.

Trek Fans

Reckless and stupid, hopefully his character will develop into just being reckless.

We see an older Kirk in a bar chatting up Uhura.

Uhura

My character's gone from someone who empowers black women, to a sex symbol.

Director JJ Abrams

Whoa, whoa lets not get political.

Kirk gets into a bar fight and his  style doesn't cause instant laughter amongst the audience.

Fanatical Trekkies

That's not Kirk.

Trek Fans

That's because you can't tell the difference between a character and an actor. See this http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/2011/07/difference-between-star-trek-fan-and.html

Captain Pike

Hello I'm here to pretend this is loloyalty to the original back story.

Kirk

Don't tell me the film is going to get all boring and cerebral.

Captain Pike

Goodness no.

He convinces Kirk to turn his life around and join star fleet in just  2 minutes of conversation.

Admiral somebody

Despite the way you won whilst munching an apple, we have only just worked out  that you cheated.

Jonathan Archer

Hey couldn't that Admiral be me?

Writers, cast, crew and audience

No!

 *****

Captain Pike

To continue this movies similarity with the Wrath of Khan, the Enterprise will be crewed by cadets.

Spock

Star fleet's really that short staffed?  Most illogical.

Captain Pike

We'll see how logical you are as the movie progresses.

Trek Fans

We're thinking the same about the story.

McCoy sneaks Kirk aboard and the writers get to make a dig at Shatner.

Dr McCoy

Hey Jim quick we've only got 20 seconds to take a look at this ship, not the traditional 20 minutes.

Kirk

Please fix my hands and tongue I can't stand these ridiculous hand gestures and.....badly...........................impaired.......linedelivery...............any...more.

Anyone who has ever seen Star Trek before

 He he he he!

 *****

Chekov

We're vedy Keptin.

Captain Pike

Look lad, Kirk did something about his voice. I'd appreciate you doing the same.

 *****

Kirk

I'm worried  about this whole sky diving through space thing.

Red shirt

Hi.

Kirk

OK that makes me feel better.

The red shirt bites it.

Trek Fans

Yeah this takes us back.

 *****

Sulu

Oh no, he had all the charges.

Kirk

What! Why would only one of us carry charges?

Sulu

We can destroy this with a couple of shots from these guns.

Kirk

Well at least that's better than you destroying it with your ridiculous sword.

Vulcan is destroyed anyway. It's actually the only significantly shocking event to happen in Star trek that won't be fixed by the end.

Kirk

Well trying to stop that drill was a waste of my time... I mean...

Spock

Get off of my ship.

Kirk gets marooned on a planet where he is likely to die, because the young Spock is kind of an ass.

.

Old Spock

What a beautiful stroke of luck, now you get to meet me.

Kirk

Look old man I've had a really really long day, I'd love to talk but...

Old Spock

He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall mind meld with him. I mean you.

Kirk

It wont give me a head ache will it?

Old Spock

It will make this exposition a lot more visually interesting.

 *****

Scotty

Despite clearly being a talented engineer, star fleet left me here.

Kirk

Can you get us back on board the Enterprise?

Scotty

No problem, I'll beam us onto a ship travelling at warp light years away.

Old Spock

But Picard's transporters...

Kirk

Don't ever mention that name again. Well at least not until we need another franchise boost.

They warp to catch up with Nero's ship which is apparently slower than the less advanced Enterprise.

Nero

I know your face, what you were going to become. Trust me I'm doing you a favour.

Kirk

Romulan bastard you killed my dad. By the way did my alternate self survive impossible situations because the villain talked too much?

Nero

Actually he did... Fine, and I could have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you pesky kids.

Spock destroys the drill from space.

Spock

I really wish I'd thought of this when we were at Vulcan.

Kirk, Spock and Pike beam out.

Sulu

Shall I take us to a safe distance and let that ship get destroyed by that black hole.

Kirk

No, they could go back in time again and give us a film version of Enterprise. No one wants that. Besides seeing the Enterprise firing all phasers looks cool.

They escape , no one in the audience was on the edge of their seat.  Kirk is made Captain of the Enterprise.

Kirk

Could you ever see the Navy promoting a cadet to a Captain after one mission.

Trek Fans

Who cares?

Kirk

True.

Trekkies

True.

Leonard Nimoy

And so the Enterprise crew warps off happy as can be, whilst I deliver the closing monologue, I feel..... old.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Star Trek Tng Encounter At Far Point: First Draft Parody Script

Image source wikipedia

Opens with a zoom in on an Enterprise window. After years of being off the Television the first thing the new Star Trek series shows us is a bald man.

Captain Picard

I'm still cool though.

Audience

Whoa that voice is cool.

Gene Roddenberry

Star Trek will never resort to needing a star studded young cast.

 *****

Q

Ha ha mere mortals, fear me!

Captain Picard

Hi.

Q

Hi?

Captain Picard

All powerful aliens with delusions of god hood are already a Star Trek cliché. I guess you're going to judge us now?

Q

You will quake in your mini skirts! Wait a minute why are men wearing mini skirts?

Captain Picard

This is the 24th century.

Q

And this is meant to be an optimistic view of the future?

They go to trial after some expensive but surprisingly boring special effects.

Tasha Yar

Being a strong confident woman and the equal to any man I will now burst into tears.

Captain Picard

It's OK, I just surrendered.

Tasha Yar

That is pathetic.

 *****

Q

To allow these two awkward story lines to loosely fit together I'm going to disappear for a while. I will be watching though, honest.

Cut to the edge of known space.

Will Riker

If being on the edge of known space is such a big deal, how can we get here weeks before the Enterprise?

Dr Crusher

I believe Picard wanted to avoid my son for as long as possible. I'm not even sure they'll stop here.

Captain Picard

Welcome aboard number one.

Riker

Which poor person gets called number two?

Captain Picard

The name suits her function.

Troi

Hello Will.

Riker

Great now I have to put up with unresolved emotions for seven years.

 *****

Captain Picard

You've already turned down one captaincy, why would you do the same for the next seven years?

Riker

I'm actually a coward, but compensate with my arrogance.

Captain Picard

Great.

 *****

Wesley

Hi I haven't annoyed anyone for 5.236 minutes.

Captain Picard

Hopefully you'll leave when your mother's contract ends in 12 months.

 *****

Riker

You lost the saucer section?

Captain Picard

Yes. If O'Brien carries on like this he'll lose his officer commission.

Riker

Whoa so you're giving me the keys to the star drive. Dude that's totally sweet.

Captain Picard

Scratch it and your dead!

 *****

Search Amazon.com for star trek tng   se

Dr McCoy

Now new Spock, remember to take care of your ship.

Dr Crusher

Why do you get to meet Bones? I want to meet Bones.

Data

I could go  to sickbay and arrange an autopsy.

Dr Crusher

Sigh... You get to hang out with Spock. La forge gets to hang out with Scotty, Picard gets Kirk. Why don't I get the Doctor?

Dr McCoy

That would be far too logical for my liking.

 *****

Worf

I can't believe this is just the first half, I feel dishonoured by the lack of excitement.

Audience

I'm sure the second half will be more interesting.

Worf

Ha!

 *****

Captain Picard

Hello Zorn.

Zorn

Don't say that.

Captain Picard

What your name?

Zorn

It sounds like an insult.

Captain Picard

Are you trying to hide something?

Zorn

Just my middle name.

 *****

Riker

You stimulate your simulated mind in a simulation? Fascinating.

Data

Please don't take my lines. The holodeck is indeed fascinating... well for a season or two at least.

Audience

We should be snoozing by now but this being Star Trek we're incredibly patient.

 *****

Troi

I sense pain.

Captain Picard

Pain? That must mean a life form.

Data

(Whispers) Sir we still have 30 minutes of the episode left.

Captain Picard

Oh. Well then this is a puzzle, better keep investigating.

Worf

Sir, an alien ship has arrived and is attacking the planet. Let me at them, let me at them!

Captain Picard

OK ready phasers.

Audience

At last some excitement.

Q

We can't have that. This series is about long boring monologues, on the wonders of life and how peaceful humanity is whilst at the same time being the most military competent people in the Galaxy.

Captain Picard

Fine we'll go for a sickly sweet and unsatisfying ending. Send  the city some energy so that it can turn back into a creature.

Worf

Phasers and photon torpedoes deliver a type of energy.

Captain Picard

No we want to send them the non harmful stuff, even if we know nothing about their biology. Just send some good vibes.

Worf

Sigh I'm not going to like this ship.

 *****

Riker

Now that we're all finally introduced I hope we can finish with this messy, drawn out storytelling.

Captain Picard

I'm sure our future missions will be far more interesting.

Audience

We certainly hope so.

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.