The good old days. Simpler effects. Better scripts.
Opens with a scene of prehistoric earth as this is a current Hollywood trend.
Ooh shiny black things. Are you here to teach us?
No we're here to dumb down the human race.
Cut to Shanghai where everyone is walking around wearing face masks, so nothing unusual there. A team of Autobots and humans come to hunt down the Decepticons. They fight, constantly transforming for no other reason than to show off the CGI. Somehow they think they can do all this in secret.
We're only here to try and sell to girls, we're completely useless in this movie.
Director Michael Bay
Doesn't mean that I don't respect women, now enough of the interesting Transformer stuff. where's my human eye candy.
Hey just because I spend most of my scenes posing like a fashion model, doesn't mean I'm not a serious character.
Hi darling, just calling to annoy you.
I like you. I would say love, but we need a bit of drama later.
That's all I have to look forward to? I want some character development, where's the script.
Director Michael Bay
Script? Just throw in some bad lines from other movies you remember. As for character development try going to college or something.
Great our character stories are going to be really interesting aren't they. I thought there were 3 writers on this film.
Part of the All Spark decides to reactivate itself after two years of doing nothing. Turning dozens of small electrical appliances into Transformers, helpfully not transforming the cooker or tumble dryer which would be more deadly. Bumblebee saves them.
Goodbye Bumblebee, don't worry I no longer need your protection.
But I just saved your life.
That is why he needs a $40,000 a year education.
Sam heads to College where his mum would prefer he slept around, rather than stay devoted to his girlfriend.
Mind if I'm your annoyingly unnecessary buddy for the movie?
I don't seem to have a choice, when it comes to characters Michael Bay goes for quantity not quality.
The Decepticons go to rescue Megatron, they do this with surprising ease considering it took them two years to get around to it.
What is your bidding Fallen?
Do not insult me Darth.
But that is your name my master.
Oh yes of course, I'm not sure it's a very inspiring name for a leader, maybe I should change it to Sidious.
Sam we need your help.
Why on earth do you need my help?
Well technically you should be asking why in the Galaxy? It's not just an earth problem, the Decepticons are coming back to earth they want to harness the power of the sun. Can you believe this is just the short version of such a simple plot? *Sigh*
Well the film is interspersed with lots of loud noises to stop people going to sleep... wait a minute why don't they use one of the other stars in the Galaxy? Stars aren't in short supply.
You really shouldn't ask so many questions, I've stopped caring. Hi Megatron please kill me now.
Optimus dies, Sam is in such grief that he joins two annoying Transformers who both think they're rappers.
Are you laughing at my ridiculous name.
No, I just remembered a fart joke.
You two are really going to damage Chevrolet sales.
No one really cares about our interactions we need some plot development.
Welcome to the museum, please do not touch anything.
We need your help to defeat the Decepticons and sell another Transformer figure.
What is that you say son? I need to emphasise again that I'm OLD.
But you can still transform into a powerful jet.
My memory isn't what it was was so I can avoid logical questions. You should try forgetting logic as well. Now let me rattle on with some exposition, although reading the synopsis of the first film would probably do the job.
This plot is ridiculously flimsy.
Well it is basically one long toy commercial.
So were the the Star Wars prequels... maybe this film isn't so bad.
Everyone comes to fight in the desert, with a set that looks very similar to the one in the first film. Still they do have the pyramids almost making the fight feel important.
We must stop Sam getting to Optimus. I should get there first as I can fly to the moons of Saturn in just a few minutes.
I must climb to the top of this huge pyramid before ordering an aerial assault.
Wouldn't that be safer from a distance?
Michael Bay is afraid that the film isn't long enough. I think that's why all the scenes of Mikaela running are done in slow motion.
No I'll get there first despite dragging Mikaela along for no reason than to put her in jeopardy. I can even fit a boringly flat scene with my Dad which tries to be emotional.
As a Prime you're the only one who can defeat the Fallen.
But I'll be using your weapons to do it.
Don't interrupt your elders.
After seemingly hours of pointless running around the final climatic fight lasts just 2 minutes.
Optimus can you end the film by saying something profound?
Sigh. Oh well I'm sure we'll still have a sequel.
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