Monday, 18 July 2011

Terminator Salvation: First Draft Parody Script



Opens with a boring scene in a research lab. This is unnecessarily long in an attempt to make us care about Marcus.

Christian Bale
I'm Batman... I mean, I'm John Connor.

Commander
Would you please stop monologuing and do your job?

John Connor
Yes of course. I'll try to rescue those people by chasing a fast jet plane in a slow moving helicopter...alone. What could go wrong?

He crashes then gets thrown around by a T600.

John Connor
Can't you just rip my heart out like Schwarzenegger did in the first movie?

T600
That's coming with the next software upgrade. Skynet  2019.

Cut to resistance command, cleverly hidden in a self sustaining submarine.

Colonel America
Down here we will be safe from Skynet's satellite surveillance.

Colonel Britain
What about all of our helicopter's air planes?

Colonel America
No one's seemed to think of that.....

Officer
Dont' worry I've got a distraction here. John Connor wants to come aboard, he just jumped into the ocean.

Colonel America
Idiot! Try and find him in this raging ocean.

*****

John Connor
Hail me.

Colonel America
I'm the resistance leader, don't get confident just because you're better than me.

John Connor
I had to come here because every time I call you hang up.I do have feelings you know? Also for someone hidden under the ocean I thought you would appreciate the intelligence.

Colonel America
Are you calling me stupid.

John Connor
I... Look just give me your super top secret plans because I never put myself in a position where I could get caught.

Marcus wanders around a devastated LA. He doesn't remember what's happened but he is very calm about it all.

Marcus
Hmm that's a very dangerous looking Robot, but then if I talk to it I may find out it's a vending machine.

He gets rescued by Kyle Reese who destroys the T600 in a ridiculous manner more suited for the A Team.

Marcus
Why didn't you use your gun?

Kyle Reese
That's the Terminator's style not mine.

Marcus
That's stupid! But I'll stay with you anyway due to a timely attack.

Kyle Reese
We stay down by day... actually we move around by day and get a good night's sleep. It's a shame because the future fighting looked far cooler in the first 2 films. Still we can't go pleasing the fans by sticking to a few simple rules.

They escape LA, with Reese learning how to drive incredibly well in just 10 seconds. Then they're attacked by a giant transformer which believes grabbing people with huge unwieldy arms to be more efficient than just gassing them.

Marcus
I'm alive? I'm alive! I knew those diving lessons would come in handy. Now to cut down this resistance  pilot in a way that would likely break her legs.


They go to Connor's base which is protected by anti Terminator mines. One attaches to  Marcus's leg, dazing him rather than blowing him to pieces.

John Connor
The question is who bought cheap mines?

Kate
No the question is, what's with the Terminator/human hybrid?

John Connor
And why is it more advanced than the other Terminators?

Marcus
And why are you going to trust me to infiltrate Skynet?

John Connor
I'm human and go with my heart. Just as people did when they trusted machines with all our military defences... Well, safe journey.

John Connor wanders into Skynet central ALONE!

John Connor
Why am I doing this alone? Especially as my soldiers will fly in later without any trouble.

Director MCG
This is more exciting and tense.

John Connor
What about having Terminators that can actually terminate someone​?

Director MCG
Just get on with it.

*****

Skynet
Good morning Marcus. I'm going to explain our plans as any intelligent villain would do.

Marcu
This is getting far too much like ' I Robot ' I'm going to save Connor.

Skynet
You can't I sent Schwarzenegger to kill him. I could have sent the thousands of Terminators which are just loitering around the factory. But for a computer that killed billions of humans by nuking them, I am surprisingly sporting.

Marcus
You at least gave Schwarzenegger a gun right?

Skynet
Err no...

Marcus
Ha-ha.

Marcus runs off avoiding the thousands of guards, Connor clearly taught him a few things.

Skynet
I knew I should have just kept him talking with the whole prequel or sequel debate.

Despite having a miniature canon on him John shoots the Schwarzenegger with a gun he knows will do no harm. Schwarzenegger just plays with him as well.

John Connor
You're not going to rip my  heart out either?

Schwarzenegger
Skynet 2019!

John Connor
Right... Shame this script doesn't explain why a Terminator in America has an Austrian accent. Ow! Stop throwing me around it's getting really repetitive and boring.

Director MCG
Hmm that CGI face is getting expensive.

John Connor
I'll handle that.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Hey you're stripping my ability to relate with humans.

John Connor
You never had it.

The battle goes on but the T800 still doesn't kill him. Yet he manages to disable semi Terminator Marcus in less than a minute.

John Connor
I will now kill you in the same way that you died in Terminator 2.

This doesn't work for some reason but puts the Terminator on pause for a minute.

T800
Where are all of the other Terminators when you need them?

John Connor
Where are the rest of the resistance when you need them.

Marcus finally kills the T800 and gets Connor out of Skynet.

Marcus
That was easy.

John Connor
If a little drawn out.

Mute girl hands Connor the detonator to set off a nuclear explosion which he uses despite being just a couple of hundred feet from the blast. They survive?

Marcus
You can have my heart.

Kate
Wont that raise a big ethical dilema?

Marcus
No I don't think the audience can sit through any more of this movie I'll just brush it off with two lines of dialouge.

John Connor is saved and ready for transport just minutes after a heart transplant.

John Connor
I better mention that Skynet hasn't been completely destroyed. There is no sequel but what someone else makes loads of money out of for themselves.





Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

3 comments:

RCB said...

Check this one out: How It Should Have Ended - Terminator.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbF4lKoeYBw

Nathan G said...

I've seen that video it cracks me up. It's my favourite of theirs.

RCB said...

I'm going to explain our plans as any intelligent villain would do. Isn't it strange that all villians talk too much?

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