Friday, 2 December 2011

One Year Snowboard Movie Review




One Year is a snowboard movie that stands out from the crowd. Not only does it feature some amazing footage and tricks. It also features some great insight into the lives of the riders.
This snowboarding movie joins many of the other globe trotters visiting Argentina, Japan, Korea, New Zealand, California and Colorado. The scenes are captivating in their beauty and the shots are creative. If you enjoy a movie with a lot of back country footage, One Year delivers. With Dave Downing and Janna Weatherby doing some incredible lines. It also satisfies on the park front with Matt Hammer laying down some gnarly tricks. In the half pipe we see Olympic medallist Kelly Clark proving why she is one of the best female snowboarders in the world today.
 Everyone in the movie pushes their riding to the limit whilst also letting their fun sides and their enjoyment of the sport shine through. There is a fantastic section of two different Generations riding together featuring Andy Finch riding with Brock Crouch. We also get other great pairings of riders where we get to enjoy their different styles of riding, side by side.
The movie is also very honest in showing the thoughts and feelings of the riders who are very open in sharing their life stories. They are Christians with a passion for God as well as snowboarding. It is fascinating and emotional to see how God has helped and affected them in their lives.
One year has a great balance of insightfulness, snowboard action and fun. After a world tour and dvd sales the Nation Foundation movie company have decided to put the movie online for free. So that everyone can enjoy and gain something from it.
Here’s a link.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Doctor Who: The Marriage Of River Song: First Draft Parody Script



Opens with various shots of our world which show that time is in a mess. Hmm déjà vu… Still it does look good and we do get a funny interview with Charles Dickens.

Winston Churchill
What has happened to time? Explain it to me simply so that the audience and I can understand.

Doctor
Timey wimey.

Winston Churchill
No you can be more complex than that.

We get flashbacks of the Doctor collecting more information on the Silence.

Dalek
Hi.

Dalek
Just hi? No threats?

Doctor
I don’t want you to leave, we’ve been off screen too long. Why?

Doctor
You get defeated too easily we need to build the threat back up. Now shut up! I’ve come to yank information out of your smashed defeated body.

*****

Doctor
Dorium you’re alive!

Dorium
Yes and I’m the only head who could afford a comfortable box. Now you must be seeking the ultimate question?

Doctor
Be serious! We need that for the anti climatic end to the episode.

We go back to the Utah lake to watch the Doctor get killed.

Doctor
Can’t you walk out of the lake quicker we’ve already had enough flash back scenes in the pre credit sequence.

River Song
Patience sweetie I’m going to rewrite this fixed point in time.

Doctor
But that’s impossible... Probably… I do seem to come up with a lot of rules that get are later broken.

*****

Doctor
Did you have to stun me?

Amy
What can I say? I like an entrance! So what’s going on this time?

Doctor
All of history is happening at the same time. Well the parts of history which we can recycle props for.

Amy
All at once? Shouldn’t the earth be really overpopulated and deadly?

Doctor
Well…?

Amy
Shall we just go to the secret plot advancing base?

Doctor
Yes please.

They go to area 52 which is inside a pyramid. This is a cool idea, it’s a shame the set isn’t as grand as the special effects.

Captain Williams
The Silence are as quite as usual Marm.

Amy
Good, good. Carry on Brad Pitt. I mean Rory Williams.

River Song
Hello Doctor, do you want to do the usual flirting.

Doctor
Sure for once we have plenty of time.

Madame Kovarian
Oh no not the flirting. I should have raised River better than this. Kill me please!

Amy
Ok.


Madame Kovarian
No I wasn’t being serious besides that’s too dark for your character. Ahh!

Cut to the top of the pyramid where a distress signal is being sent out.

Doctor
But whose going to help me. I know the majority of people like me but who?

River Song
You must  not die without knowing you are loved.

Doctor
Thanks for risking the world to tell me that. Now before I die we’ll bind hands with my bow tie. Now Rory do you consent?

Rory
How can I properly consent if I don’t know what it is?

Doctor
Just do it! You too Amy.

Amy
Ok.

Doctor
That’s it River we are now husband and wife.

River
That’s my wedding? But I didn’t get a fancy dress, beautiful flowers, admiration from friends, a big party….

Doctor
No but it sure is a lot cheaper this way.

They kiss and the doctor “dies” at last.

Amy
*Sob* The Doctor’s dead.

River Song
Oh mummy don’t be silly. There’s plenty of life in the Dr Who series yet. I just killed a Teselecta version of him. Now let’s all have some family time at last.

Audience
That’s a bit of a cheat and we’re not talking about cheating time… We can’t wait to the Christmas special. Just, no more disappointments please

Dorium
So you survived. But the first question. The most important question in the Universe still remains. Doctor Who? Dr Who?

Audience
You can not be serious!

Fin

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Snowboard And Ski Insurance: Remember To Check The Small Print




Snow sports offer a thrill that few other activities match. Accessible to all ages it is a unique experience but also carries a unique risk. Getting the right travel insurance for a trip was once a quick 10 minute search online. But over the years insurance companies have changed their policies making it more difficult for people to find the correct level of cover. Here are some areas of your policy to consider carefully.

When the insurance policy starts
Firstly if you’ve already left your country of residence a policy might cover you. This may be because insurance companies are worried that you are only taking it out when you need to claim. But it’s awkward for long term travellers who may decide to go snowboarding at the last minute as they travel from country to country. Or for those whose plans are last minute. There are companies who will cover you if you’ve already left the country but it requires a bit of searching.

The date you return
Unless you are able to prove you had a return ticket a lot of insurance policies wont cover the costs of repatriation. This means that if you need to get flown home for medical reasons or in the unfortunate event of death, there will be a hefty bill for you or your family. This can be difficult if you’re not sure of your travel plans and when you’re coming back. However an open return ticket can often cover you, just check with the insurance provider.

Value per item
Check the value of what your insurance will pay out for because basic cover might not pay the full value of ski equipment. Even if your skis aren’t high end you may still find yourself unreasonably short, especially after excess.

Off Piste
This is the biggest area of difference with ski insurance policies. It used to be a case where most brokers covered you off piste if you followed local guidelines and the avalanche risk level was 3 or less. These policies have become rarer with many policies insisting that you go with a qualified local guide.
This isn’t always practical or necessary as an insurance provider should know. So make sure you go with a company that covers the type of skiing or boarding you want to do on a trip. There have been cases where people were in an avalanche and the insurance hasn’t paid out because they blamed the skiers despite the fact they followed local guidelines and took precautions. So don’t be in a rush to take the first policy you see. There’s rarely any different in cost, so you can still get good value with a policy, whether they insist you ski with a guide or not.

Take your time and research the policy and insurance provider. There are a lot of companies saying they specialise in ski and snowboard insurance yet they clearly don’t understand the sport.  They can place the blame on a skier without even investigating the incident properly. If you are in any doubt about the policy details phone your insurance provider. It’s always best to go with a company which knows what it is doing and can ensure your needs are provided for.

Protect Your Work Against Plagerism And The Deviously Lazy Auto Blogger



In the last 6 months many of my articles have been stolen by other sites. The internet is full of people trying to promote their and as we search the net we come across a lot of bad content. But now instead of creating good content some people choose to steal it from others.

Auto blogging
This is where someone uses a programme which automatically takes information from other web pages (referred to as scraping) to fill their own site.  They claim it's sharing work that people wanted to share widely any way. But the work is often not credited to the original author and can have small alterations. It also goes high on Google search results, often even higher than the original site. Which damages the original traffic to the original author.

Theft
This is the best word for it however anyone tries to auto blogging. They're profiting from other people's unique work. I put a lot of time and effort into my content as do thousands of others. Why should it be ripped off for someone else's greed? What's worse is that some of my content ended up on sites which I am morally opposed to. Sites promoting things like gambling and even pornography. This can not be ignored.

How to tackle it

Disable RSS Feeds
People will find your blog if you keep producing good content. RSS could be useful but they're the main gateway to auto blogger finding and ripping out content. It is useful that you can disable RSS feeds with blogger as it isn't possible to do this with all blog sites.

Put a copyright notice on your articles
You don't have to do this as you automatically own your own work but is will show anyone reading an infringing site where the article belongs and hopefully they will contact you.

Do regular search engine checks
Check to see if any of your distinct articles have been stolen.

Report to Google
Google is quite quick at dealing with reported pages often within a couple of days. Some people recommend contacting the infringing site first but I've stopped doing this. It's simply a matter of time. I've wasted too much time having to report the dozens of articles that were plagiarised to Google. So I wont waste time writing to the content thieves.

Here's a link for the report form.

If the infringing page uses adsense or adwords the sites normally remove the content quicker as they risk losing they're accounts. If they don't advertise on the page they may not respond at all but Google will still remove them from their search results.



Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.



Sunday, 25 September 2011

Great Movies To Watch And Recomend To Friends: Soul Surfer





Soul Surfer is a dramatic and faithful retelling of Bethany Hamilton's story. Attacked by a shark at the age of 13 she bounced back and not only returned to surfing but also to competitive surfing. The movie follows how she comes to terms with the events along with looking at her family and friends.
Having read the book of the same name and seen several interviews I knew the movie did a good job of following real life events. Bethany Hamilton spent a lot of time on set and had a lot of input along with her family and her friend Alana Blanchard. One of the sad things about movies based on true stories is large deviations from the real events. I recommend watching interviews after the movie because some things you that seem unrealistic aren't.
The movie was a little cheesy in places but this wasn't over done and indeed the movie was toned down in other areas. Her recovery to go into the water may seem remarkably quick. However Bethany said when she was on the hospital set that she was a lot more upbeat than the movie shows she was in hospital. Of course she did have her struggles and the movie does a good job of showing these difficulties as well. Some small changes are necessary and Bethany and family say they're happy with the movie.
The movie has had some criticism for the faith aspect shown, but faith is central to Bethany Hamilton’s life. It's not making the story simplistic, instead it showing the strength her Christian faith has given her. There’s only a small amount of this in the movie but it's enough to show what inspires Bethany and her family. Don't let this put you off if you're not a Christian as it's not preachy. It's there to give a true account of how Bethany and her family handled the accident and aftermath.
The movie is an emotional ride that you can't help but be inspired by. All the actors give a good performance especially Anna Sophia Robb as Bethany Hamilton and Lorraine Nicholson as Alana Blanchard. Both actors display the difficult emotions and thoughts the characters had. Visually it is also stunning with Bethany Hamilton doing her own surf scenes so that the movie can look authentic.
This is an incredible story which is uplifting and challenges us all in how we face difficult times. It is a story of courage and faith for people of all ages and backgrounds. The surf scenes are incredible and despite the shark attack you will leave the movie wanting to go into the water.
.
Here's Bethany Hamilton's site for more on her story on her story and what she does now
http://bethanyhamilton.com/soul-surfer/

You can see a trailer here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWeOjBCi3c4

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Doctor Who: Let's Kill Hitler: First Draft Parody Script

Another great episode of Dr Who reviewed as a parody


Opens with a mini racing through a field to make crop circles.

Amy
See we are still a British show.

Mels comes racing in driving a Corvette. A Corvette which gets a nice shot parked next to the Tardis instead of the Mini.

Amy
Blast! Never mind.

Mels
You’ve got to get me out of here.

Doctor
But I’ve only just arrived.

Mels
You don’t want to stick around here Doctor. There is some nonsense going on where no ones dying. If you get this miracle sorted out in a day Torchwood will get bored.

A long time ago in Berlin.

Teselecta Nazi Officer
Time to suffer for your crimes Hitler.

The Tardis crashes into the side of the Reichstag with the worse sense of timing it has ever displayed.

Doctor
You shot my Tardis! Isn’t there an easier way of testing my “temporal grace”

Classic Who Fans
What?

Doctor
Allo Allo Allo, sorry for wrecking your office we had un petite problème.

Hitler
You saved my life.

Doctor, Amy Rory
Non!

Hitler
And you’re French?

Doctor
No, no. We’re British and proud.

Hitler
The British clearly have fearsome technology, I wont dare to attack you. I will shoot the man who tried to kill me though.

Rory punches Hitler in a fantastic character moment.

Rory
That was even better than Captain America.

Doctor
Hmm that could really change history. We’d best hide Hitler in the cupboard and hope he forgets this.

Rory
And I thought the title would lead to some moral dilemmas.

Mel
No time for that this episode is about me.

Mels dramatically regenerates into River Song. We wonder why time lords often regerate into new bodies which are actually past their physical prime.

Audience
So the Doctor could regenerate into a black man? That opens up some possibilities.

Amy
Mels you’re our Daughter? I’m too confused to show relief.

Mels
See Mum, you and Dad you did get to raise me. You even named your daughter after me.

Amy
Couldn’t the flashbacks have shown us having a close friendship? I named my daughter after my delinquent friend who caused me nothing but trouble. And you still turned into a psychopath. What kind of a mother am I?

Teselecta Opereative
That judgement can wait till later. Taking care of River Song will be an even greater achievement than punishing Hitler.

Teselecta Commander
River Song’s worse than Hitler? That sure is a bold statement.

Teselecta Opereative
Yes but we can’t do it here we need to go to The Library at the end of her life.

Teselecta Commander
No we’ll continue with the dramatic course of action we’ll chase her through Berlin.

River Song races through Berlin punishing some Nazis by forcing them out onto the street almost  naked. Amy and Rory try to follow but are miniaturised and taken into the Teselecta.

Rory
Miniaturisation? Oh no, Please no small jokes.

Teselecta Opereative
Quick put these wrist bands on they’ll protect you from the Teselecta antibodies.

Rory
What they don’t have a more intelligent way of recognising staff? That could be dangerous for you.

Doctor
Tardis I want a voice interface. Well a voice interface which comes with an image to be more specific.

An image of Rose appears.

Audience
Oh please not again.

The voice interface eventually changes to a young Amelia Pond.

Young Amy Pond
No one in the entire universe and at no point in history has ever come up with a cure for that poison.

Doctor
Typical thank you so much for that help.

Meanwhile back at the restaurant.

River Song
Hi mum, is it time for the mother daughter scene that everyone’s been waiting for since A Good Man Goes To War?

Telecta Amy
You killed the Doctor. Suffer!

Doctor
Killed Doctor Who?

Rory
Ok maybe a small joke would have been better.

Doctor
So Teselecta, got any useful exposition for me.

Teselecta Commander
The Silence is an organisation and not just one species.

Doctor
Oh good I don’t have to worry about forgetting those aliens name then. But I will have to update my blog.

Amy and Rory
Doctor!

Doctor
What? You’ve got the sonic screw driver. You can stop them from torturing your daughter.

They do so in the usual dangerous way. River then saves them from the antibodies, learning to pilot the Tardis with a speed the Doctor can only envy.

River Song
You’re a caring man, this has suddenly reversed all that brainwashing I had. Even all of Amy’s good stories about you didn’t do that.

Rory
Oh no the Doctor’s dead! Can any of us make it through an episode without that happening?

River Song
Don’t worry I’ll use my remaining regenerations to save him.

Doctor
I’m touched. Does that mean I get extra regenerations or just come back to life?

Writer Steven Moffat
Oh I think that question can wait.

Amy
So after all the longing to be with our daughter again, we’re just going to leave her?

Doctor
There comes a time when we all have to let our children go. Especially when they’re 48.





Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Snowboarding Tips: How To Still Push Yourself When Riding With Slower Friends


If your the fastest in your group you can still challenge yourself



Whether we are out for a whole season or just one week a year, snowboarding is a sport we like to enjoy with our friends. However one of the big problems to overcome is always the broad range of abilities within the group. Some may cautiously glance  at a blue run whilst others are speeding down the blacks and cruising off piste. Snowboarding has a big advantage over skiing as you don’t have to be an advanced rider to mix up your style on the easy slopes .There are loads of simple tricks to  learn even if you’re an intermediate rider. These will slow your ride down yet keep it fun and exhilarating. Why wait around? Get the most out of each run.

Jibbing
Twists, butters, ollies, nollies, 180s, these all add some fun variety to the ride and a gentle slope is a perfect place to practice. As your friends learn to link turns you can learn new tricks leaving everyone stoked with the progression achieved at the end of the day.

Film your friends
Filming someone whilst you are both moving is a challenge for any rider. Not only do you have to ride smoothly, you also have to keep your friends in shot. Looking back over the footage will help a beginner see where they need to improve. It also improves the camera mans riding as they have to be very precise with each movement and understand the terrain through feel as well as sight. Seeing yourself ride is a joy and it will be greatly encouraging to beginners.
Find some tips on filming in my Article

Snowball fight
A running snow fight with other advanced friends will slow you down and will be a good laugh at the same time. Just keep an eye out for other slope users.

Practice Switch
Switch riding is a crucial skill to learn for anyone wanting to progress with tricks and this is the perfect time to learn. It will take you back to the basics and can help you to explain the techniques to friends who are learning. One of the hardest things to do is stick with riding switch when you know you can ride so much better regularly. But if you are with slower friends then there is plenty of time to practice. It’s extremely satisfying when you can start carving down runs riding switch.
If you can learn and improve along with the beginners then each run will be satisfying and fun. When you want to push yourself there are still plenty of opportunities to go and do your own thing.



 
Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Filming Extreme Sports: Snowboarding




Although it may seem simple to turn on the camera and start waving it around the results don't always turn out how we expect them to. There are a few simple techniques which will produce results to enjoy for years to come.

Cradle the camera in the palm of your hands
Using a side strap restricts your freedom of movement and can make shots judder. Holding a camera in the palm allows a wide range of movement left, right, up down. It is also smoother for when you walk with the camera.

Avoid commenting on everything you see
Firstly a commentary on the obvious is very annoying. If needed words can be added later. If you want to edit a video, cutting several scenes together with talking is tricky and may restrict what you can use. Also if someone says something funny do not laugh! It will distract viewers and could spoil the joke. You are likely to be the closest to the the mike and will drown out the person being filmed.

Interviewing
If asking someone questions try to stand slightly to one side of the camera. It is distracting to an audience if someone looks directly into a lens. It is also distracting if they are looking to the far left or far right.

Filming on the move
I will use the example of snowboarding but this can apply to many sports. When snowboarding I have found it far more exciting to capture someone whilst boarding alongside them. If you're in one position the most interesting part is when a boarder comes close to you, the shot gets duller as they move away from the camera. Unless they're going over a big jump which if you follow them, could go badly if you are inexperienced. When filming on the move like this it is best to hold the camera with you fingers having your thumb on the cameras top. If you can attach the camera to the end of a pole for riding, even better.

Head cameras
You may wish to use a head cam, however this does have one major drawback that you have to constantly look at what you're filming. This may be OK when directly behind them but not when you're alongside or in front. After all even the most seasoned snowboarder needs to look out for ice, trees and skiers with a dubious sense of spatial awareness.
If you are uncomfortable holding a large video camera whilst speeding down a mountain most digital cameras have a video mode. Many of these give you a decent quality and have the added bonus of fitting easily in your pocket.






Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Fun And Easy Tips For Learning To Snowboard




Flat light have a snowball fight
Fun for both advanced riders and newbie’s alike when visibility is poor. Since the terrain is not easy to see why not have a running snowball fight on your snowboards. It takes the beginners minds off falling over and they often get confident and try to chase you, in which case you can egg them on and increase their speed a bit. Great fun as long as you know the slope you're using so that you don't keep getting stuck on flats.

You don't have to keep your weight on the front foot all of the time
Always have your weight on your front foot! This is one piece of advice that lessons drill into people continually but will turn the ride into a complete mess when you hit powder or choppy terrain. It is best to learn this way to begin withy as the natural tendency to lean back will make it difficult to steer and cause you to topple. Shifting your weight is necessary for it allows you to go into a quick ollie on bumps, whichcan be more fun sometimes. As long as you land it... Whilst you are progressing it is important to be flexible whilst your lean to adapt to the mountain conditions which can change rapidly.

Do what you can to stay on your feet
It is often down to confidence that when you feel yourself going off balance you topple over. This can cause unnecessary pain and pain is bad. If a sharp movement is needed to stay on your feet, or even a small hop, do it. You'll be surprised how you can recover yourself from a potential wipe out and your confidence will grow as you stay upright through difficult spots. However this does have to be done within reason if the crash is unavoidable it is unavoidable. But a controlled stop is going to help keep you boarding all day.

Ride like you drive
Or better than you drive if you are someone who tail gates. One of the chief rules of driving is being able to stop in the distance you can see available. This is more tricky when boarding but it would help to avoid a lot of collisions. It is definitely good to apply this in narrow spaces, or through the speed gates at the bottom of a piste. Crashes are common yet riding to your ability and looking at the terrain ahead will go a long in reducing these.

Push yourself but not too quickly
If you want to progress then you’ll need to be motivated and take steps out of the comfort zone. It helps to increase your confidence as you achieve goals and try things you never saw yourself doing. Take some lessons and listen to the instructors. They will be full of good advice and will not push you to do anything they think is too much for you. Also try to go out with more experienced friends, pushing you to keep up with them and they can give encouragement.

Wear wrist guards
Decent wrist guards are comfortable and unnoticeable when riding. They’re a cheap bit of kit that can save you from a bad injury.

The pros and cons of wearing a helmet

Cons
Can make you hot on the 20 or so really hot days you have in the season.

Pros
  • Keeps you warm in cold weather
  • Take a hard knock to the head and it can stop your snowboarding for the rest of the holiday. Wearing a helmet can get you boarding again after a quick cup of tea.
  • It will have an effect on future ski insurance if less people need lifting off the mountain or medical care.
  • People don't laugh at helmets anymore (at least not intelligent people) the way you ride makes you look cool.
  • It could save your life!

And finally....
Think about what you wear!








 
Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Comparing Boardercross With Ski Cross And The Thrills They’ve Brought To The Olympics


A fantastic sport for winter competions like the X Games and Olympics



Four racers start. Between one to four racers finish. The excitement of Boardercross and Ski Cross doesn’t let up until the finish line. Boardercross hit the Olympics in 2006, Ski cross in 2010 adding new life and competitiveness to the games.
Fast wax, quick minds and a lot of courage are needed to compete in this high speed sport. Zoe Gillings was the great British hope in Boardercross at the last Olympics. Placing 8th over all after an injury in the semi finals. She had a tough time getting to the Olympics after injuries and the financial melt down of Snow Sports GB. But this didn’t affect her focus on the day and focus is what each competitor needs.
The Olympic course in Vancouver was built primarily for the Boardercross and the shape of the jumps proved a challenge for the skiers in their hard boots. This led to several skiers getting far too much air and crashing spectacularly. The skiers do however have an advantage with their poles. Allowing them to recover from heavy braking and stumbles a lot quicker than their snowboard counterparts. But the ski poles are a mixed blessing being an extra hazard to avoided when overtaking or simply trying to stay on course.
Ski Cross was just as exciting as Boardercross and it is surprising how aggressively the skiers overtake considering the speeds they are going. This may be down to the extra stability of skis around corners giving them more confidence to get closer. They often banged into the back of opponents skis when striving to overtake. Several skiers have come across from alpine skiing so they are also very competitive in keeping their line and reaching the finish line frst.
The skis do not pop off easily, so as with the snowboarders a crash didn’t always eliminate someone from qualifying. A great move was pulled off in the quarter final as a skier caught the back of a crash spun a 360 and still came very close to finishing 2nd.  The length of the skis cause an extra hazard in a crash and skiers can’t wipe out as neatly as snowboarders. But they are just as determined as the snowboarders top finish the race.
Both disciplines are incredible to watch and the athletes need a broad range of skills. They may qualify with a good time but the real test comes when racing with three others. Constantly adapting their race line and avoiding collision whilst understanding their opponents techniques and strategies. The snowboarders have an extra challenge with this as the opponent will be hard to see if overtaking on their blind side. Snowboarders also have an extra challenge keeping an edge through fast and icy corners. Watching the riders skilful navigation of the course as they adapt to the unexpected. Going as fast as they can over tough obstacles with the competitors close by brings a unique excitement to these sports. Boarder Cross and Ski Cross make a welcome addition to the Olympics and will continue to grow in popularity.

Friday, 9 September 2011

Doctor Who: A Good Man Goes To War: First Draft Parody Script

A parody review of Dr Who A Good Man Goes To War. A fantastic episode with a great cliff hanger.

It's complicated and I'm not talking about this fancy cot mobile


Opens with Rory the Roman threatening the Cybermen.

Rory
My name is Rory Lazarus Williams. Nurse of the NHS. Loyal to the true sci fi hero the Doctor. Father of a kidnapped child husband to an angry wife. And I shall have my vengeance. In this life or the next.

Cybermen
O…k. Why are you telling us this?

Rory
To make you believe I’m threatening despite my strange outfit. To make you tell me where I can find my wife And besides I’ve always wanted to say that.

Cybermen
Any outfit you’d wear would be strange to us this is probably the best choice.

Rory
Good point. But since you didn’t help straight away we’re going to blow up your fleet.

*****

Doctor
I’m calling in some favours.

Dorium
After all the horrors you’ve faced you finally want some help? This must be dangerous? Can’t I just draw a map rather than show you the way there in person?

Doctor
Just keep your head and you’ll be fine.

*****

Colonel Manton
The Doctor will be coming with vengeance. We’d better say our prayers.

Madam Kovarian
We’re not going to. We are the demons remember.

Colonel Manton
So what’s with the Headless Monks?

Mad
It’s complicated.

The soldiers gather on Demons Run for a stirring speech.

Colonel Manton
You are the best soldiers. We will defeat the Doc…

Doctor
Hello.

Colonel Manton
My most hated enemy. I should kill you on sight.

Doctor
But you won’t even if all of your research about me shows your hesitation is a mistake.

Colonel Manton
We are not crazy fools. We will not be tricked just because you’re in fancy dress.

A soldier shoots a Headless Monk.

Colonel Manton
We are not crazy fools! Disarm!



Lots of Judoon and Silurians beam in.

Doctor
I love it when a plan comes together.

*****

Rory
Amy!

Amy
Rory J

Doctor
Amy!

Amy
You sure took you’re time.

Doctor
Timey wimey?

Amy
Ok then I can’t stay mad at you.



Later in the storm cage command centre.

Madam Vestra
They were manipulating Melody to become a weapon against you. You’ve become too dangerous.

Doctor
“Demons run when a good man goes to war” didn’t you hear I’m a good man? Although the universe was destroyed due to my Tardis. I’m sure glad the Silurians, Sontarans and Judoon have forgiven me for that. But the Daleks might prove trickier to reconcile with.

Dorium
But this was too easy. It must be a trap.

Doctor
You go and find out while I bravely stay here and have a chat with the villain.

*****

Lorna
It’s a trap!

Amy
Why should we believe you? Look at your uniform.

Lorna
And? You’re still in your nightie, this isn’t the fairy tale series anymore.

The lights dim and the Headless Monks start their chant.

Lorna
Maybe we can talk to them, does anyone know Latin?

Cmmander Strax
Rory the Roman you must know some?

Rory
It was a long time ago.

They face the Headless Monks in one of Dr Who’s best fight scenes. Sword fighting is cool. But Amy’s baby disintegrates as it is a ganger.

Audience
Wait the last two episodes showed that gangers are sentient too. Is this the first case of Dr Who infanticide? This really is a scary show.

Doctor
Amy, Rory! Mrelody is a…bad timing again?

Amy
Yeah. Melody is gone and most of your army is dead.

River Song
Hello sweetie.

Amy
You turn up now when I’m at my most angry?

Doctor
Please Amy let me have my moment first. You turn up now when I am at my most angry?

River Song
It’s time for my big revelation. Some smug fans will say they already guessed it but I doubt many were a 100% sure. And they only guessed it after a really big clue. If they’d guessed it at the beginning of season 5 I might be impressed.

Doctor
Who are you?

River Song
Look at the writing on the cot.

Audience members that haven’t been paying much attention
You’re his mother?

River Song
Yuk that’s disgusting. No!

Doctor
I know who you are he he.

Looks guiltily at Amy and Rory.

Doctor
I’m out of here.

Amy
We could have easily stopped the Dr but I want you to tell us who you are.

River Song
I’m your daughter. I’m melody.

Amy
What?

Rory
Doctor!

Fin



Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission



Friday, 2 September 2011

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes: First Draft Parody Script

As another movie I enjoyed I decided to take a slightly different approach. Highlighting more of what I liked than usual to make this a more rounded review.

Who needs Red Bull?



Opens with a scene of apes being chased and captured in the jungle.

Charlton Heston
Hmm there’s something familiar about all this. Did they really need to reference the
original so early on?

Cut to Gen Sys pharmaceutical company.

Will Rodman
This chimpanzee might hold the key to curing Alzheimer’s. You must approve human testing.

Steven Jacobs
I can’t approve that alone who do you think I am? Just make sure the meeting with the board goes smoothly.

It doesn’t. Bright Eyes escapes as the facility has just two inept ape handlers to control her.

Steven Jacobs
That was a disaster and I assume her violence was caused by the drug so destroy them all. I always think caution is best.

Will Rodman
Well I hope your attitude towards caution doesn’t change over the years.

Robert Franklin
Actually the drug had nothing to do with it. So the movie can’t use it as a simple explanation for the violence of the apes. This is actually going to be interesting.

Will Rodman
Indeed. Well I’ll do some emotional human ape interaction by becoming this babies father.

Robert Franklin
That could be weird.

Will Rodman
Trust me and the animators.

Caesar grows up showing his advanced intelligence. Which naturally leads to increased curiosity but Will somehow manages to keep his super advanced pet secret. Until Caesar decides to try riding a bike. Thankfully we don’t see him ride it as it would look ridiculous.

Caroline
Hi I could be useful to you in studying your chimp.

Will Rodman
I’d prefer you as love interest. My only friends appear to be my father and a chimp yet I am still a socially likeable person.

Caroline
Ok but I feel obliged to show some concern that you’re playing God.

Will Rodman
No need to state the obvious, I work for a company called Gen Sys. It’s part of the job description.

Cut to five years later.

TV report
And the Icarus has entered mars orbit.

Will Rodman
They really shouldn’t have those missions something bad always happens. And why does it look like the command module from the Apollo missions? The astronauts would waste away making such a long trip in weightlessness.

Charles Rodman
I’m getting ill again. Son I need you to use your magic to heal me again over night

Will Rodman
That wasn’t magic it was science… kind of. Besides your  immune system is fighting the virus cure.

Charles Rodman
A virus cure? Haven’t you ever seen a movie about the human apocalypse?

Will Rodman
Well I’m taking precautions. Testing it at home, alone with no other medial support… I think I should talk to Jacobs.

Steven Jacobs
You’re still obsessed over a virus you created 8 years ok? Actually that’s all you do I really should get round to firing you.

Will Rodman
But the cure works my father is proof. Sort of… I just need to make a stronger version.



Steven Jacobs
Well you may have withheld this amazing breakthrough from your own company but I’ll still trust you.



*****

Charles Rodman
I fancy a drive.

Hunsiker
Hey get out of my car fool.

Will Rodman
You’ve been my neighbour all these years and you don’t know about my Alzheimer’s?

Hunisiker
I may have been reasonable before. I didn’t report it when Caeser was running loose and scaring my kids but this time it’s my car that’s in danger.

Caeser attacks him and horrifyingly appears to bite his finger off and chew on it. However later Hunisiker still has finger and is a nice neighbour again even confronting a possible burglar outside Will’s house? He must have been having a bad day. Caeser gets locked up in a primate sanctuary.

Dodge
Welcome to the mad house. Where I bring girls because I think the site of cruelly contained apes will make them fancy me more.

Caeser
Stupid human.

Maurice the Orangatan
Hey I can sign too.

Caeser
What? You’re an intelligent ape too? Without needing the virus? But that goes against everything else the movie’s been saying and for no real reason.

Maurice the Orangatan
Hey I can be your prime mate.

Caeser
Your not clever enough and some intelligent apes would be useful. I’ll go and get the smarterer…  I mean smartening virus. Good job Will leaves the highly secret and dangerous virus in his fridge next to his beers.

Back at the research lab.

Will Rodman
Let’s test this stronger virus with me being the only one who knows what I’m doing.

Robert Franklin
Really? It’s in gaseous form shouldn’t we have more protection? There must be company guidelines on this sort of thing.

Will Rodman
Don’t get in a panic you might knock off your mask. Oh you already have. Hey I just thought of how I can get Caeser I’m sure you can wait.


*****
Brian Cox
You’ve only just thought to try bribing me? We’ve been keep the equivalent of a young human locked up with dumb animals for weeks.

Caesar closes the door on Will.

Will Rodman
You might be right but I’ll but I won’t spend time trying to explain myself. I’ll j
Ust go and mope off camera.

Caesar stages his escape in a wy that could have easily failed despite all the planning he’s apparently done.

Dodge
Get your filthy paws off me you dirty ape. Oh I enjoyed saying that, did I deliver it as well as Charlton Heston?

Caesar
No!

Dodge
He can talk he can talk.

Caesar
I can sing!

Dodge
Talking is all I can handle for the moment.

The apes escape through the roof and the great music from the trailer makes one of its sadly few appearances.

Rocket
To NewYork!

Caesar
What? No. We’re going to the Redwood forest. You have to admire the writer’s restraint in not setting this movie in New York though. But first we need to go to the zoo then we’ll go and freak out Jacobs. It will be fun.

Policeman #1
The apes are moving around so fast we can’t catch up.

Policeman #2
If only we could go crashing through buildings like they do.

Policeman #1
Yeah. Wait why aren’t they all horribly injured from crashing through glass?

Policeman #2
This day is weird enough without thinking about things like that.

The apes arrive at the Golden Gate Bridge which is luckily shrouded in mist.

Police chief
We’ll send in the mounted police first.

Mounted Police
What if there are gorillas in the mist?

Police Chief
You have batons don’t you? We’ll stay here with the guns.

Koba
Die!

Caeser
No we can’t kill them this is not the 70s version.

Koba
You’re right it wont be as easy as Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

Koba lifts up a gun.

Koba
From my cold dead hands!

Caeser
Don’t be such an animal, put that gun down.

The apes overrun the police in some good action shots. Then the helicopter closes in.

Caesar
This is like David facing Goliath where’s my slingshot? Ah this chain will do.

Caesar takes out the guns but Buck, not to be out done, leaps onto the helicopter.

Buck
Yes we can overcome advanced technology… dying in the process… oh my I hope something else can take care of these humans for us.

The apes reach Redwood Forest.

Will Rodman
Caesar!

Caesar
You’ve been yelling my name like that the whole movie. I thought from the trailer it would come at a dramatic moment.

Will Rodman
I just want attention you out shine me with your acting. But you can’t stay here you’ll be hunted down.

Caesar
But these monkeys can share cookies surely we can share a world or at least a wood?

Will Rodman
You really think you can hide here? Well maybe you can we appear to have bigger problems. But we’ll blame Jacobs his motivations weren’tt good like mine.

The movie closes with a graphic showing the virus spreading around the world. Apparently not one country tries to stop the virus from entering.

Caesar
Stupid humans.


Fin




Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.