Friday, 26 October 2012

7 Reasons to Support Rather Than Hate Andy Murray




1
Shot Variety and Return of Serve

In a time when players often try to just overpower their opponents Andy Murray's style is fascinating to watch. His mixing up of pace, spin and slice gives us some exciting tennis as he constructs his points. The 2012 year has also shown him becoming more aggressive which has given us some beautiful shots to watch.
Andy Murray also has one of the best return of serves in the game. It is astonishing to see some of the serves he returns and even more astonishing to watch some of the winners he can strikes from a fast serve. A great and recent example of this was the match point against Tsonga in the Wimbledon semi finals.

2
Success under huge pressure

Andy Murray has faced the greatest pressure of any Tennis player in the open era. It is the price he’s paid for representing Great Britain. A nation that hadn’t seen a singles champion since the often over looked Virginia Wade in 1977. But as we are constantly reminded no British man had won a singles title since 1936.
Andy Murray has been alone in the men’s singles draw for most of his career. With the next best British man being ranked over 200. Untill this year Britiain has also lacked any notable success in the women’s singles.
Which has left all of the focus resting on Murray. If we compare this to some of the other big names in tennis:

Roger Federer has had
Stanislas Wawrinka whose reached a career high ranking of number 9.
Martina Hingis who reached a career high ranking of number 1 and won 5 single Grand Slam titles.

Rafael Nadal has had
David Ferrer who’s reached a career high ranking of number 4 and is still in the top 10.
Carlos Moya who reached a career high ranking of number 9.

Novak Djokervic has had
Janko Tipsarevic whose reached a career high ranking of number 8 and is still in the top 10.
Ana Ivanovic whose reached a career high ranking of number 1.

Jo Wilfred Tsonga has had
Michael Llordra whose reached a career high ranking of number 21 and has won 3 Grand slam doubles titles.

Andy Roddick has had
Serena Williams who had 13Grand Slam titles before he retired
Venus Williams with her 7 Grand Slam titles
John Isner whose reached a career high ranking of number 9.
Mardy Fish whose reached a career high ranking of number 7.

Whilst Andy Murray has had
Tim Henman who reached a career high ranking of number 4, but retired in 2007. Since then it’s just been him for the men and until 2012 no British woman had passed the 3rd round of a Grand Slam or won a WTA title.

Also along with Australia, France and America, Britain has even greater expectations on its players as the host countries of the Grand Slams. But none of these countries have had such a long drought in Tennis success. At least Britain has had some success with the 2007 mixed doubles from Andy’s brother Jamie Murray. Also Jonathan Marry won a Wimbledon title in the 2012 men’s doubles.

3
On Court Demeanour

He is often criticised for his yelling, but he always shows respect to officials and other players. He says he directs frustration at his support box because its better than directing it at people on the court. It is not because he blames them.


4
Personality

Humility is a rarity amongst the big sports stars but Murray has always shown it. He gives praise to his opponents and isn’t quick to make excuses if he fails. He may not be as loud or outgoing as some other players but it’s refreshing to see a quieter and humbler personality at the top of a sport. Also considering the over reaction to his England joke it’s not surprising that he now acts very serious with the press. All we have to do is re watch the emotional Wimbledon final defeat and  the Olympic Gold triumph to see how passionate he is.

5
Work ethic

No matter how many disappointments Murray has faced he has always worked hard to be the best he can be. As testified by his coaches, his friends and his peers who respect him. His dedication to training and tournaments has been shown by his recently missing the Olympic closing ceremony. He will also miss the BBC’s sports personality of the year award to concentrate on his training.

6
He is not anti English

It’s good to address this, as amazingly it is still a major criticism. He made one joke about the England football team on the radio after being teased about the Scottish team performance. This turned into an anti English story. Unfortunately people leapt onto this rumour rather than look at the discussion itself. A small amount of research will show his real attitude and that it’s best not to read the trashy newspapers and magazines.
He says he is proud to be both Scottish and British which is fortunate to all of the English, Welsh and Irish tennis fans who want a home hero to support. It was also clear how proud he was to represent Team GB at the Olympics.

7
He inspires
After overcoming some of the greatest tennis players of all time this year he has inspired a new generation to sports. Tennis clubs are reporing increased numbers. Also the Murray family has an interesting new sporting initiative called Set4Sport to encourage people from a young age.
Here is a link to the initiative Set4Sport

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Doctor Who: Asylum Of The Daleks: First Draft Parody Script





Opens with an atmospheric but far too short voiceover

Voiceover
First there were the Daleks then there was the Doctor.

Audience
Really? The Daleks are older than the Doctor?

Voiceover
It’s all relative.

Undercover Dalek
Help my daughter is in a Dalek prison camp.

Doctor
She couldn’t have escaped, nothing that impossible has ever happened in my life.

Undecover Dalek
Fine I’ll just shoot you.

The Doctor, Rory and Amy are taken to the Dalek ship.

Doctor
Fine you have me and it was ridiculously easy for you. Just shoot now and end all of your troubles.

Dalek Prime minister
We do not need you’re perfectly good advice on how to finally exterminate you. We are Daleks! No one matches our perfection!
We brought the time lords to the knees! We are the nightmare of millions of races! 
Help us!

Doctor
Wow and I thought absence would make me fear you more.

Cut to Oswin being annoyed by noisy Dalek neighbours.

Audience
Noo! It’s too soon Amy and Rory can’t be going already!

Cut back to the Doctor

Dalek Prime minister
We are not really weak we just want you to do the dirty work. Lower the planets shields so that we can destroy it and we’ll let you live... We Promise!

Amy
Are you crossing your tentacles when you promise?

Doctor
How many Daleks are down there?

Rory
What colour are they?… sorry I couldn’t think of another good question.

Doctor Who fans
Hey! That’s a really important question to us!

The Doctor and his companions get shot at the Asylum Planet and land in some beautiful snowy mountains.

Doctor
Ooh scenic.

Mysterious man
Yet unnecessary. Come. Let’s get back onto the cheaper sets. I’ll show you my crew.

Doctor
They’re dead.

Mysterious man
But I’ve only been gone 5 minutes.

A Dalek eye stalk starts to grow out of his forehead.

Doctor
Right push him into the cupboard Amy. These Daleks are becoming more and more Borg like.

Amy
And zombie like.

Doctor
What? Ahh! Zombie Daleks. I can’t handle the walking dead as well. I like more chatty enemies. We’ll just run. Zombies are really slow.

Amy
This nano field is very effective. I hope they never set one up on earth.

Doctor
If they do I hope I’m the one who fixes it and not torchwood.

Oswin Oswald
Hello again. I’m tracking you’re progress and need to get in on your light banter. Doctor I don’t like your chin.

Doctor
Hey I’m trying to save you here!
Rory enters a Dalek scrap yard

Rory
Hmmm quite Daleks. I’m sure there’s no danger here.

Scrap Dalek
Assimiliate… I mean eggs.

Rory
Eh?

Scrap Dalek
Give me a break I haven’t been serviced for a while. Let me try again. Exterminate! Exterminate!

Oswin Oswald
Run!

Rory
I know, I know. It’s what we always do.

*****

Doctor
There are trillions of nanos in the air and they’re changing you.

Amy
Yet another slow working change.

Doctor
Yeah got to keep the drama up and it could do wonders for your marriage.

Rory
Hello again.

Doctor
Good. Have a chat you two. You have been through far too much to separate now.

Oswin
Hey Doctor there are more important things to think about.

Doctor
Like where you get your milk?

Oswin
I’ve been fending off millions of Daleks and you’re asking about milk?

Doctor
If I’m going to have a new companion I fancy one that bakes.  Jammie dodgers aren’t as nice as something freshly made.

Oswin
Just come and get me.

The Doctor finds an unprotected long range transporter in this Dalek prison…ok… well he needed some way to get out.

Doctor
You’re a Dalek! Sorry there’s absolutely NOTHING that I can do. Well I’ll probably think of something but for the moment I still have two companions.

Oswin
Don’t forget me, you owe me a big favour for erasing the Dalek’s memory of you.

Doctor
Yeah that was amazing. I wish we had you around during the time war. Actually since it’s so easy can you erase there memories of everything else. Like how to build eachother, or how to wage war. Make them forget how to live.

Oswin
Too late the planet is exploding.

Doctor
Sigh the Daleks used to be destroyed by a few pushes of the button.

Steven Moffat
Not on my watch!

The Doctor beams to his Tardis.

Doctor
Hello again it’s me, the Doctor

Daleks
Doctor Who?

Doctor
Err no one. Don’t ever do any research into my name or into this mysterious blue police box. It’s definitely  not worth your time.

We Will Grow

A poem I wrote at a recent prayer meeting



Knows all
Gives all
Creates all
Calls all

He cares for everyone
As a daughter
As a son
There's no need for it to get complicated
There is o trick
Or illusion
Like any prize we should be in it to win it

Community working together towards one goal
To know God more
And all individually grow
We can grow
We will grow
Going out to sow
We will grow

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Battlestar Galataca: The Miniseries: First Draft Parody Script




Opens with a long shot of a remote and unimportant space station.

Six
Hello, I’m the sex… I MEAN THE SIX!

Officer
Right… Well it’s nice that you finally decided to meet with us again.

Six
Actually we have come back to wipe out the human race in a surprise attack.

Officer
By destroying this insignificant outpost first? How is that going to help you maintain the element of surprise?

Six
You’re worried about that? This is the crucial time for your diplomatic skills to shine through.

Officer
Oh… Gak!

Six
Too Late.

Meanwhile on the Battlestar Galataca.

Reporter
Thank you for joining our exposition tour. Look how old and nostalgic everything looks.

Captain Kelley
Sir I just want to say what an honour it has been to serve you. I am sorry to see you retiring.

Commander Adama
I’m getting a sense of foreboding with everyone telling me this.


Captain Kelley
Don’t worry Sir nothing bad has ever happened to someone just before retirement.

Liutenant Gaeta
It’s been an honour serving with you sir!

Commander Adama
Please change the subject.

Lieutenant Gaeta
Please tell me that Colonel Tigh is retiring too?

Commander Adama
Change the subject back.

*****

Colonel Tigh
Show me the way to go home… Oh *cough* hello Commander. I wish to press charges against Kara Thrace for assaulting a senior officer.

Commander Adama
But I like Thrace, I’m sure she’s learnt her lesson.

Colonel Tigh
You are far too lenient Commander. Imagine what could happen next time. I could have a gun pulled on me… A top secret military craft could be stolen…. Half the crew could mutiny…

Commander Adama
Enough! Get your drunk ass out of here.

*****
TV reporter
Welcome to our timely interview with Dr Balter about the development of computer technology.

Dr Balter
As everyone is aware previous development led to a long war which cost millions of lives and nearly caused our own extinction.

TV reporter
And your counter argument?

Dr Balter
Errr we shouldn’t be afraid of the past… err icloud?

Six
Nice interview.

Gaius Balter
People who don’t trust us computer experts are idiots.

Six
Of course. Now about getting me access to your colonies defense systems?

Gaius Balter
Not a problem.

Lee Adama lands on the Galataca with a professional level of bad attitude.

Chief Tyrol
Wow you you can’t even disguise your hate for your father from complete strangers? I bet you’ve put it aside when it’s helped your career though.

Captain Apollo
Shut up chief.

Chief Tyrol
* Sigh*I could do with a friendly officer tight now. Oh high boomer.

Later in the flight room

CAG
Apollo you have the honour of flying the Viper Mark 2 which your father flew 40 years ago.

Captain Apollo
And that’s an honour? It’s a piece of junk.

CAG
It will raise a huge amount of nostalgia with the fans. It will also inexplicably outfight even the newest CYLON raiders. She might not look like much but she’s got it where it counts kid.

*****

Captain Apollo
You're locked up again, will you ever respect authority?

Starbuck
How much respect do you have for our commanding officer?

Captain Apollo
Well…

Starbuck
Forget it. Lets just start the "will they won’t they" sexual tension.

Captain Apollo
Sorry Starbuck you’re a nice guy but I’m not gay.

Starbuck
I’m a woman!

Captain Apollo
Oh… yes of course you are! It’s just that your haircut was a lot more feminine before.

*****
Commander Adama
Why do you hate me so much Lee.

Captain Apollo
Because of you, my brother Zak died!

Commander Adama
But you hated me before that for some reason?

Captain Apollo
Oh yeah… I’m sure I’ will explain that one day…

*****

Lietenant Gaeta
The Cylons are attacking. Set condition 1. All hands to battle stations!

Crewman 1
But my station was removed last Tuesday.

Crewman 2
I have a battle station without any ammunition.

Commander Adama
Sigh. All I ask for is a tall ship and some big guns to frak up the Cylons with. Put me on the loud speakers.

Lieutenant Gaeta
You’re on Sir.

Commander Adama
The Cylons are attacking our colonies. How? Why? It doesn’t really matter now.

Lieutenant Gaeta
Doesn’t matter? The entire human race is at stake and you don’t want to know how they’re getting through our defences?

Commander Adama
Never question my command abilities!

Dee
Sir I’ve just had news of equipment malfunctions across the fleet. Battlestar’s have been deactivated like someone had just thrown a switch.

Lieutenant Gaeta
Quite! You heard the Commander.

Meanwhile not so very far away in space

CAG
We’re going in. Caprica! Frak yeah! Gak!

Helo
Get us out of here.

Boomer
Thanks for the reminder. I sometimes forget that they’ll want me dead.

*****

Laura Roslin
Time to handle this crisis in a calm and logical manner.

Reporter
I don’t think you can handle this in a calm and logical manner.

Laura Roslin
But I just said I would.

Reporter
Oh yeah you did. Never mind, ignore my poor attempt to start a panic.

*****

Boomer
We will have a lottery to decide the last few seats in the Raptor. It’s the fairest way.

Helo
But some of these people are old enough to be our grand parents. Isn’t it more logical to save the young and fit?
                                       
Boomer
Don’t worry I’m sure an old person wouldn’t take a seat at the expense of one of these kids parents.

Meanwhile the Galataca comes under attack.

Commander Adama
Launch Vipers.

Starbuck’s Viper
Fizz!

Cally
We put our best pilot in the worst Viper?

Chief Tyrol
Just fix it and hope this isn’t a big problem.

A couple of minutes later.

Cylon Nuke
Boom!

Colonel Tigh
Oh great this is really interfering with my drinking time.

*****

Reporter
Captain there’s a problem…

Captain Apollo
Ask me what I’m looking at and why!

Reporter
Ok… what are you looking at and why?

Captain Apollo
Electric pulse generators from the Galataca. To avoide a deux ex machina later.

Reporter
I’m glad I asked.

*****

Laura Roslin
Here transmit this message.

Colonial Pilot
Ok... Hey wait this is a resignation letter!

Newly made President Roslin
Fine send this one instead.

A little later she gets a message back.

President Roslin
This is going to be a tough presidency…

Back on the Battlestar Galataca.

Colonel Tigh
Most of the fleet is destroyed. We have no one in command.

Commander Adama
Yeah we do… Hey where’s my chair?

Colonel Tigh
You’ve never had a chair.

Commander Adama
What are we afraid the Cylons can hack our chairs? I’m getting to old to go without a chair.

Colonel Tigh
But…

Commander Adama
Just take us to Ragnar station. Maybe they’ll have some chairs…and hopefully some ammunition.

A few weird jump shots later…

Commander Adama
I get the feeling we’ll be doing lots of jumps in the future.

Lieutenant Gaeta
Don’t worry Sir we won’t see those weird perspective shots again.

Colonel Tigh
That was the jump drive? I just assumed I was suffering from alcohol withdraw.

Enter Ragnar Station

Commander Adama
What do you think you are you doing here?

Arms dealer Cylon
Getting these weapons so that I can sell them.

Commander Adama
You can’t do that. It’s theft of military property.

Arms dealer Cylon
Then why isn’t the base guarded?

Commander Adama
We have certain security measures such as like faulty equipment carriers… Look out!

Equipment carrier
Boom!

Commander Adama
I really should warn my crew about those.

*****

President Rosilin
Boomer I think you have saved humanity by collecting us altogether like this,

Boomer
Yay… why don’t I feel happier about that?

Billy
Captain Apollo says we should transfer everyone off of the non jump capable ships.

President Roslin
Obviously! Why didn’t we think of that before?

A Cylon scout appears

Billy
Oh boy.

Captain Apollo
Madame President you can either jump the ships or stay here and get blown to pieces. But you have to make a decision and you have to make that decision now!

President Rosilin
Do it! Sigh it’s hard to believe not even 24 hours has passed since the attack started. I really need a nap.

*****

Petty Officer Dualla
We showing incoming colonial ships.

Colonel Tigh
Confirm there ID!

Petty Officer Dualla
The Cylons have penetrated our most advanced computer systems. Surely they can fake our ID’s.

Colonel Tigh
Ok then blow them up!

Petty Officer Dualla
Err, there must be some kind of middle ground here?

*****

President Roslin
We need aid.

Colonel Tigh
I knew we should have blown you up?

President Roslin
What?

Colonel Tigh
Err nothing. Look you may be my new Commander and chief, but since my opportunities of career advancement disappeared with the rest of the fleet I can still be rude to you.

*****

Commander Adama
The Cylons look just like us now.

Colonel Tigh
Oh no they could be anyone… As long as they haven’t restricted themselves to just a few designs.

Commander Adama
Why would they do that?

Dr Baltar
Phew it’s a relief that you’ve figured it out for yourselves… I’ll work on a detector right away.

In the Galataca Hanger Bay

Starbuck
Zach failed basic training. I passed him because we were in love.

Captain Apollo
Whoa, this changes everything.

Starbuck
Will you hate me like you hated your father?

Captain Apollo
No you're too pretty.

*****

Dr Baltar
Done it! I’ve detected my first Cylon.

Colonel Tigh
That was quick. Maybe the human looking Cylons won’t be such a threat after all.

Dr Baltar
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We need to leave room for some tension and last minute surprises. Also there’s some new and suspicious equipment in CIC.

Colonel Tigh
What does it do?

Dr Baltar
Surprisingly nothing as you survived the last Cylon attack.

*****

President Rosiin
The war is over, we have to run.

Commander Adama
I’m a soldier, my duty is to fight.

President Roslin
The only chance the human race has is if we get out of here and start having babies.

Commander Adama
Ooh that does sound exciting.

President Roslin
I didn’t mean me and yo….

Commander Adama
(Walking off) I’ll give it my consideration.

Back in CIC

Lieutenant Gaeta
.They have us surrounded but don’t appear to be approaching us.

Colonel Tigh
Why should they come to us? They can wait us out; we’re the ones who need food, air, fuel...

Captain Apollo
I’m pretty sure the Cylons need fuel too… unless you mean that alcohol is a type of fuel.

Colonel Tigh
Shut up!

Commander Adama
We’ll go where no man has gone before to avoid the Cylons. Mr Gaeta send these jump coordinates to the fleet.

Lieutenant Gaeta
Why are you handing me the coordinates? I’m the one who worked them out.

Commander Adama
Oh yes of course. Carry on.

The battle commences with many dazzling manoeuvres.

Lieutenant Gaeta
We’ve got missiles impacting.

Commander Adama
Colonel Tigh. Take care of the damage control teams again.

Colonel Tigh
But we’re withstanding the blasts this time.

Commander Adama
We are?

Colonel Tigh
Yes it appears that the Cylons have a smaller nuclear arsenal than the USA.

Commander Adama
Well we’ll just have to settle with all our dangerous glass partitions breaking.

Lieutenant Gaeta
The civilian ships have jumped. But Starbuck and Apollo are still out there.

Colonel Tigh
We have to leave.

Commander Adama
We may have abandoned billions of people but we’re not leaving those two. They’ve had too much character development.

On the Comm

Commander Adama
Starbuck, what do you hear?

Starbuck
I’m a little busy here commander.

Commander Adama
*Sigh* Ok just rescue Apollo in some kind of spectacular fashion then.

The Galataca escapes and makes time for a mass funeral service.

Commander Adama
Wow this is a depressing start to the series; I’d better give a rousing speech.
“We are going to earth”

Crowd
Yeah, woohoo, yeah!

Commander Adama
Steady on there with the cheering. This is still a funeral.

Colonel Tigh
Do you think the Cylons can follow us?

Commander Adama
Well it’s been 32 minutes since we last saw them, I’m sure we still have a lot more time before we see them again.


Fin

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Is This The Start Of A New Golden Age In British Tennis?





On Sunday afternoon I watched my television, enthralled at the brilliant display of British tennis. As the nation which holds the greatest tennis tournament, we have had many disappointments in the singles titles. No woman has won the singles title since Virginia Wade in 1977. No man has won Wimbledon in the open era and Andy Murray is the only Brit to even reach the final in the open era. Of course prior open era the last British winner was Fred Perry. This is hard for Mr Murray to forget as he is asked this in every British interview, every year.
Andy Murray was devastated when he lost in the Wimbledon final to Roger Federer but just 28 days later he hit back and hit back hard. I could barely watch the Wimbledon final a month ago. I desperately wanted Murray win, but his match slowly unravelled. But just 28 days later I was watching a match which I could scarce believe, with Murray outplaying Federar at every turn. He really showed why he deserves to be one of today’s greatest players.
Later that afternoon I watched a fantastic mixed doubles match with Andy Murray and Laura Robson narrowly missing out on the Gold. Laura Robson may not be a Gold medallist, but Silver is an incredible achievement for the 18 year old. Laura Robson went toe to toe  against some very strong players with many extra years of experience. I thought the pair would do well to win a bronze medal when they entered as a doubles team. But they worked great together despite having played very little tennis together.
Andy Murray got some criticism from a small number of people who can’t get a joke. He has been criticised for his personality. But the joke of having his dogs wearing the medals was hilarious and clearly meant as a bit of light fun. People may accuse him of being grumpy but he displayed great joy at the Olympics and really got into the team spirit. He has a quieter personality than a lot of the big sport stars. But there is nothing wrong with that. He’s a passionate player and doesn’t have to be as entertaining off the court as he is on the court.
So what next? Murray’s confidence seems buoyed by the Olympics and it looks like he’s really playing to his full potential. Will he be able to join the small group of players who have a Golden Career Slam? Of course he has to win a Grand Slam first. But with this new found greater self belief and the expert play he’s demonstrated,  it looks hopeful. Laura Robson is also growing in her abilities and shows great potential for the future.
This could really be the start of a Golden Age in British Tennis.  I am making a prediction now that in one of the next 5 years we will have two British Wimbledon champions in one tournament. In Men’s and Women’s Singles. What a picture that would make.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

The Avengers: First Draft Parody Script


This is the first parody I've written of a movie which I sawcompletely in French. I don't think too much was lost in translation.My language skills are improving...I didn't realise it was a romantic comedy/road trip movie though. It's a shame they didn't suceed in their quest to find the Holy Grail but at least they learn't a valuable lesson about not taking drugs.


Opens with a voice over from a deeply toned metallic alien. I get a horrible flashback of the Transformers 2 movie.
Cut to Nick Fury at a remote research lab.

Nick Fury
See how I get a low camera angle introduction? That’s because I’m such a cool and powerful character?

Audience
Really? Why? What do you actually do?

Nick Fury
Well I try to look cool… I actually shoot some enemies later… Oh! I also survive jumping out of a crashing helicopter.

Audience
Wait a minute, you have super hero powers too?

Nick fury
Errr well no. This movie just isn’t really clear on what people can and can not survive.

Audience
That really damages the tension.

Nick Fury
Nick Fury does not apologise!

Loki
You should. This is a ridiculously easy place to escape from. I’ve seen more security guards at a Black Sabbath gig.

Nick Fury
Well I believe in quality not quantity.

Loki
Well I’m going to steal the quality. Come here Hawkeye and Dr Selvig. I’m just as crazy as your last boss.

Cut to numerous scenes of our heroes being recruited to the Avengers team. Haven’t we already seen this recruiting being pointlessly shoe horned into the last 5 or 6 movies?

Captain America
I’m sad, why should I come?

Nick Fury
Because you are the only selfless super hero.

Captain America
Oh yeah how could I forget.

Dr Bruce Banner
Why on earth do you want me? Aren’t I too unstable?

Black Widow
We need you to provide some muscle.

Dr Bruce Banner
But that sums up most of your team. Couldn’t we have more varied powers like the X Men?

Black Widow
We have Iron man… his missiles are kind of special.

Iron Man
You want me? Am I really a team player?

Nick Fury
Well at least you know how to fly.

Captain America
Hey don’t kick a man when he’s down.

They head to Germany where…THE MIGHTY INTERDIMENSIONAL FIGHTER AND TRICKSTER LOKI… gets taken down by Iron Man pointing a few 21st century weapons at him… oh…

Captain America
Hmmm that was easy. Do you think it could be another one of his tricks?

Iron Man
No I am just that amazing.

Thor
Not as amazing as me.

Iron Man
Get off of my plane! Oh no, I didn’t just say that.

Captain America
But it worked, he took Loki.

Iron Man
Well as the only other member of the team that can fly I’d better go after him. Just wait here being all patriotic and stuff.

Captain America
Hey don’t leave me out. Just wait whilst I get a parachute.

Aircraft Pilot
But they could be miles away by now. What are you going to do run to them?

Captain America
Of course! I’m a super hero in the same league as them. I can do it.

Aircraft Pilot
Sure…

Iron Man
Your magic/technology that took millennia to develop is no match for my Iron Man suit.

Thor
Yes it is! But maybe I could team up with you and you can be the canon fodder.

They take Loki aboard the Helicarrier, an impractical and vulnerable looking ship.

Loki
HAHAHA! Do you really believe this prison can hold me?

Nick Fury
Of course! You may be able to escape the void of interdimensional space but…

Loki’s minions attack the heli carrier.

Nick Fury

Helicarrier agent
I think it’s time to release the Fury.

Nick Fury
I’m kind of busy right now…You know I’m coordinating… and well doing paper work for…

Helicarrier agent
I meant the fury of the Hulk.

Nick Fury
Could be dangerous in such a confined space, but it’s what the audience wants to see.

Thor
Brother you tricked me again.

Loki
That’s right and I am going to send you plummeting towards the earth in your Hulk cage. Don’t worry despite the fearful expression you’ll have, it won’t kill you. Even if you do hit the ground whilst still in it.

Loki escapes whilst Hawkeye uses a usb arrow to disable the Helicarrier engines… well one of it’s engines, which is even stranger.

Black Widow
This isn’t who you are. Turn away from the dark side.

Hawkeye
As your the only superhero I know with the work black in their title I’m getting a little confused. Just knock me out, that is normally the simplest option.

Nick Fury
Loki killed agent Coulson.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America
And?

Nick Fury
He’s had 10 lines of dialogue in the movies. Surely you care?

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America
Not really.

Nick Fury
Well if you all go and fight him together just think how awesome the action scene could be.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America
We’re in.

Loki activates a portal to bring in the Chitauri army.

Audience
Chitauri? That’s seriously their name? It’s not hard to imagine what people will nick name them.

The Avenger team arrives and Iron Man proves to be the most useful member in the fight.

Captain America
It’s a shame you haven’t produced more copies of your suit for others. Loki would really be in trouble if we showed up with 50 of you.

Hulk
You could have at least of given War Machine a quick call. You spend most of this movie on the phone anyway.

Joss Whedon has lots of cool action scenes but for some reason he keeps cutting back to Hawkeye shooting arrows? Ok he has a fantastic aim… good for him.

Iron Man
Hey Hawkeye? Have you ran out of arrows yet?

Hawkeye
You’d think so wouldn’t you, but is anyone really counting? And what about you then? Run out of missiles yet?

Iron Man
Yes.

Hawkeye
Oh.

Due to the usual communication break down the armed forces launch a nuclear missile.

Iron Man
I’ll handle this. Everyone knows that a nuclear missle doesn’t detonate until impact.

Thor
Really? I’m sure it can detonate just upon reaching set coordinates.

Iron Man
Would you prefer to fly into space and destroy the Chitauri base yourself?

Thor
Carry on.

Nick Fury
Thanks to all of you for saving the world.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America
We’ll have to do this again sometime. Everything we do together is awesome.

Audience
Is it worth staying for the post credit scenes then?

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America
No!

Fin

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

A Surprise Powder Day In Val d'Isere




video


After a dire season for snowfall last year no one expected this to happen this April. This is one of my first times out with my Drift Head Camera and it was great to get footage of an epic day.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

The wrong place to Ski

video

I found this amusing watching it out of my apartment video. However people ski on the pavement or road far too often causing major damage to the skis. Not only will ski shops will charge for such damage, it is also anillegal and dangerous thing to do.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

James Bond Dr No: First Draft Parody Script



Opens up with the startling scene of the viewer being shot. Talk about opening with a bang.

We then see 3 blind men walking through the city.

Director Terence Young
This is a far cry from the parody movie of Casino Royale… really!

Audience
Errr?

The 3 blind men turn out to be assassins.

Audience
Phew.

We then meet Bond, James Bond at the Poker table.

Audience
Errr?

James Bond
This isn’t like the last movie. Honest! Just look how suave I am.

Money Penny
Fancy starting off the next 50 years of sexual tension.

James Bond
Haven’t you noticed how direct I when it comes to getting the women I want? You should really take the hint.

M
I am the most important man in british intelligence. IAM NOT JUST HERE FOR EXPOSITION!

James Bond
What is my mission then!

M
Sigh…You get to go to Jamaica. Lucky you. But whilst sunbathing try to find a man called Strangways. Oh and take a new gun, a PPK. It will help you with your invincibility.

Bond arrives in Jamica where we get the first thrilling car chase of the franchise… where Bond is being chauffer driven…

James Bond
Talk!

Chauffer
Ok, but first let me have a cigarette.

James Bond
Ok but you know smoking will kill you.

Chauffer
You’re right. Gak!

James Bond
I really should have seen that coming.

*****

James Bond
That wasn’t very subtle. Taking a photo of me like that.

Photographer
I hope that one day cameras will be smaller. Much smaller!

James Bond
Tell us who you work for or we’ll hurt you.

Felix Lighter
Bond you’ll casually kill hundreds of men. You’ll even casually endanger women and children for a cool stunt. But you always have a soft spot when confronted with a single beautiful woman. Now enough time wasting, we need to talk to Dr No.

James Bond
Oh that is just wonderful he really does sounds like an agreeable character.

The fantastic and thrilling Bond theme continues to get played as we watch James Bond… sending a cable and collecting his car keys?

James Bond
These rock samples are radioactive? I will not show any concern though. I will just proceed straight to Dr No’s secret lair.

We get a classic Bond car chase with the use of rear projection. They sure used to struggle with getting the perspective right on these old special effects. Fortunately for Bond the enemy car doesn’t appear to have any brakes.

Quarrel
I’m not sure about taking you to the island Mr Bond. I’m a black man in a 60s action movie, I’m bound to have a horrible death.

James Bond
Maybe, but this is going to be a long franchise, you should try and have a memorable place in it.

Honey Ryder
That’s certainly my intention.

James Bond
Wow that entrance will definitely leave an impression. The white bikini is enough to forget even the bad song dubbing and hopefully this weird idea that you would come to a dangerous island just to collect shells.

Honey Ryder
My motivations maybe dubious, but I am a critical part of this story… Really!

James Bond
Really.

Honey Ryder
I can help you, I know the island well.

James Bond
Ok show us. Just leave behind anything you don’t really need… like proper clothing…

*****

Quarel
Look Mr Bond a dragon! Wait I’m not that stupid… let’s needlessly shoot it.

Quarrel shoots away and gets his death scene. They then go to the hidden lair of Dr No.

James Bond
Hello Dr No you’ve been introduced into this movie really late haven’t you?

Dr No
Well I hope to live on in a variety pf parodies.

James Bond
Interesting. So what brings you here?

Dr No
I was once a treasurer for a large criminal organisation called  S.P.E.C.T.R.E. But I left them after stealing 100 BILLION DOLLARS!

James Bond
HAHAHAHA! Dr No this is 1962 that amount of money doesn’t even exist.

Dr No
Ok, ok it was just 10 million.

James Bond
And you spent a million dollars on the fish tank? You must really love fish…and lasers?

Dr No
No.

James Bond (Looking crestfallen)
What a shame.

Bond gets thrown into an inescapable cell.

James Bond
Inescapable? No its not it’s easy I just need to use my show to get into this oversized air/water vent.

Q
You escaped uing just your shoe? We can’t have that. I’d better make myself busy. How are you going to stop Dr No? By throwing some switches?

James Bond
Just one actually.  Now come here for a climatic fight Dr I Barely Know.

Dr No
No, no I’m beaten. Why are all of my minions running away like cowards.
Where is my number 2 guy to help?

Bond rescues Honey Ryder and escapes just in time.

James Bond
The boats out of fuel but that’s no reason to delay our loving.

Honey Ryder
But we could die out here.

James Bond
Don’t be silly, my name is Bond, James Bond.

Funny Insults Which Should Make Them Laugh #4

This is an example of a joke insult which I've said to a friend. If you use this be careful that you choose the right moment so that they are not offended. They have to know you well. Make sure they know at the end that you're joking, but if you can say it with a straight face it will make it funnier.


You
"If I rated my best looking friends you would be in the top 54... well 55."

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Funny Insults Which Should Make Them Laugh #3

When my friend had her hair cut short she wasn't pleased with the result. She was going away to Australia for a year to study. Where she wanted to concentrate on studies and not date anyone. The conversation went something like this.

Friend
My hair looks awful.

Me
It look good. Really.

Friend
No it doesn't.

Me 
You look beautiful.

Friend
I look terrible.

Me
Look. You still look beautiful but you said you didn't want to date in Australia and I think the short hair will attract less guys because you stand out less. So it's a good thing.

She laughed... kind of. And forgave me eventually.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Funny Insults Which Should Make Them Laugh #2


This is an example of an joke insult I've said to a friend. If you use this be careful that you choose the right moment so they are not offended. They have to know you pretty well. Make sure they know at the end that you're joking, but if you can say it with a straight face it can also make it funnier.
Say
"You're personality is like a blank page... I mean an open book."

.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Funny Insults Which Should Make Them Laugh #1

This is an example of an joke insult I've said to a friend. If you use this be careful that you choose the right moment so they are not offended. They have to know you pretty well. Make sure they know at the end that you're joking, but if you can say it with a straight face it can also make it funnier.

You
"Has anyone told you that you're looking beautiful today?"

Friend
"No"

You
"Oh well better luck tommorow then"

My friend really fell for the first line, thinking that I'd given her a nice compliment. She still finds it funny.

Sunday, 4 March 2012