Saturday 9 July 2011

28 Days Later: First Draft Parody Script



Opens with  a research lab where amonkey is tied to a table and forced to watch 5 different series of Big Brother simultaneously.

Monkey

This is so dehumanising.

Protester's come to free these clearly dangerous animals. Having bypassed the non existent security of this highly dangerous installation.

Scientist

 

What are you doing? Would you break into kennels to release dangerous dogs?

Protester 1

 

Umm what possible scientific reason could you have for this?

Scientist

 

We are studying the damage that can be done by an overused horror cliché, in a supposedly fresh approach to the genre.

Horror cliché escapes and the audience prays this movie isn’t as boring as 12 monkeys.
Cut to 28 days later.

In a hospital we see a naked Jim. This is the most horrifying moment in the movie.Hewanders around a deserted London looking stoned. This seems like some good acting as he has just woken from a coma, but it is soon apparent he’ll be like this for the whole of the movie.

Director Danny Boyle

 

We really should have auditioned people past the first two pages of script.
Jim is rescued from zombies by Selena and Mark who take him to a hideout in the London underground. They explain whats happened.

Mark

 

We’ll be safe here until daylight.

Jim

 

But there’s no daylight in the underground. Doesn’t that make this one of the most dangerous spots in London?

Mark and Selena look at each other smacking their heads.

Selena

 

Well what do you suggest?

Jim

 

I want my mommy.


They go to find Jims dead parents then Jim stupidly risks all their lives
Mark dies.

Director Danny Boyle

 

I bet that shocked you.

Audience

 

No!

Selena

 

If someone’s infected you have at most  20 seconds before they change?

Jim

 

But how did a virus with an incubation period of 20 seconds spread across the entire country? Didn’t anyone notice hoards of zombies marching down the motorways?. Thanks Danny Boyle for being less plausible than I Am Legend.

They walk around the dark streets aimlessly rather than attempting to find cover.

Jim

 

Look up there fairy lights.

Selena

 

That’s bad luck it’s not Christmas anymore.

Jim

 

You’re so miserable and hardened.

Selena

 

What do you expect everyone I’ve ever known is dead, the only good thing is that I got to kill some of them myself.

Jim

 

I bet I can get you all lovey dovey by the end of the movie.

Selena

 

Yeah right.


They meet up with Frank and his daughter Hannah. The only characters in the film which the audience cares about. They decide to go to a military blockade near Manchester in a ……London taxi cab?


Selena

 

Thanks this make I am legend appear clever and well thought out.

Frank

 

What can I do we’re on a low budget.

Selena

 

We could at least have taken 2 vehicles what do we do if this breaks down?

Frank

 

Errrr, ooooh look a supermarket.


They find a supermarket which somehow avoided a ransacking  by desperate people.

Jim

 

This is the cleanest supermarket I’ve ever been in.


Selena

 

I’m just glad we have something else to drink beside fizzy drinks.


Jim


What, none of London’s vending machines have bottled water?

Selena

 

Shut up.

Hannah

 

Dad how are we going to get all this food in the cab.

Frank

 

Errrrrr.


They park over night in an open field. Instead of sleeping in a vehicle which they could use to outrun the zombies in seconds, they decide to sleep in the open.

Selena

 

How have we managed to survive this long?


They reach the signal, Frank turns into a zombie. Soldiers turn up and kill him.


Soldiers

 

Exterminate, exterminate.

Major West

 

Welcome we’ve found the answer to infection.

Hannah

 

How, are you a doctor?

Major west

 

Doctor Who, me? No. We just kill the  infected or starve them.

Jim

 

Genius!


The soldiers hold the women prisoner and attempt to kill Jim. He escapes and has the master plan of rescuing the women with the help of all the local zombies.

Jim 

 

What could possibly go wrong?


An erratic zombie rampages through the mansion killing the highly trained soldiers.

Selena

 

How did you possibly survive this long?

Soldier 

 

Because we were clever and kept our cool in dangerous situations.

Selena

 

What about now then?

Soldier

 

Sob, Plot convenience, sob.

Hannah

 

Where’s Will Smith when you need him?

Selena

 

Right now I’d be happy with Simon Pegg.


Jim turns up instead.

Selena

 

Sigh, fine lets get out of here!


They escape again in the TAXI CAB!

Selena

 

Aren’t there any armoured vehicles round here.

Hannah

Errrrr.


Cut to idyllic country setting.

Selena

 

Get the giant banner ready, there’s bound to be rescue planes searching the desolate countryside.
Surprisingly a search plane sees them.

Jim

 

Well this is a cheerful ending. I thought this wasn’t meant to be like a Hollywood film.

Director Danny Boyle

It’s a short lived happiness. No longer than 28 weeks.



Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

2 comments:

RCB said...

Nothing is more horrifying than a naked Jim! I should hook you up with my writer friend Niguanta.
http://rcbenglishclass.blogspot.com/2011/05/niguantas-daydream.html

BettyBoop said...

AND.....the fun continues...Nice Nathan... You are such a prolific writer..and good, too....Conngrats...Have more fun with these parodies

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