Doctor Who: The Name Of The Doctor: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a complicated set on Galifrey with two nameless engineers. We then cut to a jarringly simple set using stock footage of the first Doctor.

Clara

Not that Tardis Doctor, take this one.

Tardis

But I’m the one who chose him?

1^st Doctor

Listen ladies, I would feel a lot more rebellious if I was not doing what others told me to do.

Cut to earth 1893

Madame Vastra

I must call everyone to a meeting.

Jenny

Based on the word of a mad man?

Madame Vastra

Isn’t that always the way?

They gather together in a dream.

River Song

This is a really easy way to gather together for plot progression. Why don’t we do it more often? It’s less risky than travelling.

Jenny

I’m not so sure of that I think I’ve been murdered.

Madame Vastra

Noooo!

Strax

Don’t worry boy. People “die” and then return all the time. Death isn’t the hindrance it used to be.

Great Intelligence

If the Doctor wants to rescue his friends he must come to tell the Doctor to come Trenzalore.

Clara

Do you ever think that you are putting too much pressure on yourself by choosing the name of “Great intelligence”?

Great Intelligence

Hmmm I have never considered that… Doh!

#####

Clara

Stop being stupid the kids have left you to play blind mans bluff alone.

Doctor

But I’m the Doctor I have lived for over 900 years.

Clara

Well you and the Great Intelligence will have a magnificent battle of wits. He says that you have to go to some place called Trenzalore

Doctor

Great Scott! That’s the location of my grave. A time traveller must never go there.

Clara

Woah Doc this is heavy.

They travel to Trenzalore with the Tardis fighting it all of the way.

Doctor

What’s the problem darling.

Tardis

Look at the grave, I don’t want to see this.

Great Intelligence

Tell us your name and Open the Tardis! Doctor Who?

Doctor

In 50 years no one has ever cared this much.

The doors open to reveal a big swirling light.

Clara

How original.

Great Intelligence

I will head into the Doctors timeline to erase him from history.

Strax

How is that strategically a good idea? Why not kill him now so that all the villains that he has already defeated won’t come back? They could become your deadly rivals.

Great Intelligence

The universe won’t fall apart completely from the lack of just one man.

The stars start to disappear

Madame

Wow in all the universe there has only been one saviour? How did the Doctor not have a messiah complex?

Clara enters the time stream to save the Doctor

Clara

Ooh clips form the old series this is definitely worth the risk.

Doctor

I must go into my time stream and save her.

River Song

You can’t cross your own time stream that’s crazy.

Doctor

Time can be rewritten. Thankfully so can the rules this series as well.

Clara

I don’t know where I am.

Doctor

Grab this leaf it will bring you back. Good now let’s make like a tree and… uh oh.

Clara

Who is he?

Doctor

A low key but exciting cliff hanger.

Clara

I think time might slow before the 50^th anniversary.

Doctor

I think you’re right. Geronimo!

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Doctor Who: Asylum Of The Daleks: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with an atmospheric but far too short voiceover

Voiceover

First there were the Daleks then there was the Doctor.

Audience

Really? The Daleks are older than the Doctor?

Voiceover

It’s all relative.

Undercover Dalek

Help my daughter is in a Dalek prison camp.

Doctor

She couldn’t have escaped, nothing that impossible has ever happened in my life.

Undecover Dalek

Fine I’ll just shoot you.

The Doctor, Rory and Amy are taken to the Dalek ship.

Doctor

Fine you have me and it was ridiculously easy for you. Just shoot now and end all of your troubles.

Dalek Prime minister

We do not need you’re perfectly good advice on how to finally exterminate you. We are Daleks! No one matches our perfection!

We brought the time lords to the knees! We are the nightmare of millions of races! 

Help us!

Doctor

Wow and I thought absence would make me fear you more.

Cut to Oswin being annoyed by noisy Dalek neighbours.

Audience

Noo! It’s too soon Amy and Rory can’t be going already!

Cut back to the Doctor

Dalek Prime minister

We are not really weak we just want you to do the dirty work. Lower the planets shields so that we can destroy it and we’ll let you live... We Promise!

Amy

Are you crossing your tentacles when you promise?

Doctor

How many Daleks are down there?

Rory

What colour are they?… sorry I couldn’t think of another good question.

Doctor Who fans

Hey! That’s a really important question to us!

The Doctor and his companions get shot at the Asylum Planet and land in some beautiful snowy mountains.

Doctor

Ooh scenic.

Mysterious man

Yet unnecessary. Come. Let’s get back onto the cheaper sets. I’ll show you my crew.

Doctor

They’re dead.

Mysterious man

But I’ve only been gone 5 minutes.

A Dalek eye stalk starts to grow out of his forehead.

Doctor

Right push him into the cupboard Amy. These Daleks are becoming more and more Borg like.

Amy

And zombie like.

Doctor

What? Ahh! Zombie Daleks. I can’t handle the walking dead as well. I like more chatty enemies. We’ll just run. Zombies are really slow.

Amy

This nano field is very effective. I hope they never set one up on earth.

Doctor

If they do I hope I’m the one who fixes it and not torchwood.

Oswin Oswald

Hello again. I’m tracking you’re progress and need to get in on your light banter. Doctor I don’t like your chin.

Doctor

Hey I’m trying to save you here!

Rory enters a Dalek scrap yard

Rory

Hmmm quite Daleks. I’m sure there’s no danger here.

Scrap Dalek

Assimiliate… I mean eggs.

Rory

Eh?

Scrap Dalek

Give me a break I haven’t been serviced for a while. Let me try again. Exterminate! Exterminate!

Oswin Oswald

Run!

Rory

I know, I know. It’s what we always do.

*****

Doctor

There are trillions of nanos in the air and they’re changing you.

Amy

Yet another slow working change.

Doctor

Yeah got to keep the drama up and it could do wonders for your marriage.

Rory

Hello again.

Doctor

Good. Have a chat you two. You have been through far too much to separate now.

Oswin

Hey Doctor there are more important things to think about.

Doctor

Like where you get your milk?

Oswin

I’ve been fending off millions of Daleks and you’re asking about milk?

Doctor

If I’m going to have a new companion I fancy one that bakes.  Jammie dodgers aren’t as nice as something freshly made.

Oswin

Just come and get me.

The Doctor finds an unprotected long range transporter in this Dalek prison…ok… well he needed some way to get out.

Doctor

You’re a Dalek! Sorry there’s absolutely NOTHING that I can do. Well I’ll probably think of something but for the moment I still have two companions.

Oswin

Don’t forget me, you owe me a big favour for erasing the Dalek’s memory of you.

Doctor

Yeah that was amazing. I wish we had you around during the time war. Actually since it’s so easy can you erase there memories of everything else. Like how to build eachother, or how to wage war. Make them forget how to live.

Oswin

Too late the planet is exploding.

Doctor

Sigh the Daleks used to be destroyed by a few pushes of the button.

Steven Moffat

Not on my watch!

The Doctor beams to his Tardis.

Doctor

Hello again it’s me, the Doctor

Daleks

Doctor Who?

Doctor

Err no one. Don’t ever do any research into my name or into this mysterious blue police box. It’s definitely  not worth your time.

Doctor Who: The Marriage Of River Song: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with various shots of our world which show that time is in a mess. Hmm déjà vu… Still it does look good and we do get a funny interview with Charles Dickens.

Winston Churchill

What has happened to time? Explain it to me simply so that the audience and I can understand.

Doctor

Timey wimey.

Winston Churchill

No you can be more complex than that.

We get flashbacks of the Doctor collecting more information on the Silence.

Dalek

Hi.

Dalek

Just hi? No threats?

Doctor

I don’t want you to leave, we’ve been off screen too long. Why?

Doctor

You get defeated too easily we need to build the threat back up. Now shut up! I’ve come to yank information out of your smashed defeated body.

*****

Doctor

Dorium you’re alive!

Dorium

Yes and I’m the only head who could afford a comfortable box. Now you must be seeking the ultimate question?

Doctor

Be serious! We need that for the anti climatic end to the episode.

We go back to the Utah lake to watch the Doctor get killed.

Doctor

Can’t you walk out of the lake quicker we’ve already had enough flash back scenes in the pre credit sequence.

River Song

Patience sweetie I’m going to rewrite this fixed point in time.

Doctor

But that’s impossible... Probably… I do seem to come up with a lot of rules that get are later broken.

*****

Doctor

Did you have to stun me?

Amy

What can I say? I like an entrance! So what’s going on this time?

Doctor

All of history is happening at the same time. Well the parts of history which we can recycle props for.

Amy

All at once? Shouldn’t the earth be really overpopulated and deadly?

Doctor

Well…?

Amy

Shall we just go to the secret plot advancing base?

Doctor

Yes please.

They go to area 52 which is inside a pyramid. This is a cool idea, it’s a shame the set isn’t as grand as the special effects.

Captain Williams

The Silence are as quite as usual Marm.

Amy

Good, good. Carry on Brad Pitt. I mean Rory Williams.

River Song

Hello Doctor, do you want to do the usual flirting.

Doctor

Sure for once we have plenty of time.

Madame Kovarian

Oh no not the flirting. I should have raised River better than this. Kill me please!

Amy

Ok.

Madame Kovarian

No I wasn’t being serious besides that’s too dark for your character. Ahh!

Cut to the top of the pyramid where a distress signal is being sent out.

Doctor

But whose going to help me. I know the majority of people like me but who?

River Song

You must  not die without knowing you are loved.

Doctor

Thanks for risking the world to tell me that. Now before I die we’ll bind hands with my bow tie. Now Rory do you consent?

Rory

How can I properly consent if I don’t know what it is?

Doctor

Just do it! You too Amy.

Amy

Ok.

Doctor

That’s it River we are now husband and wife.

River

That’s my wedding? But I didn’t get a fancy dress, beautiful flowers, admiration from friends, a big party….

Doctor

No but it sure is a lot cheaper this way.

They kiss and the doctor “dies” at last.

Amy

*Sob* The Doctor’s dead.

River Song

Oh mummy don’t be silly. There’s plenty of life in the Dr Who series yet. I just killed a Teselecta version of him. Now let’s all have some family time at last.

Audience

That’s a bit of a cheat and we’re not talking about cheating time… We can’t wait to the Christmas special. Just, no more disappointments please

Dorium

So you survived. But the first question. The most important question in the Universe still remains. Doctor Who? Dr Who?

Audience

You can not be serious!

Fin

Doctor Who: Let's Kill Hitler: First Draft Parody Script

Another great episode of Dr Who reviewed as a parody

Opens with a mini racing through a field to make crop circles.

Amy

See we are still a British show.

Mels comes racing in driving a Corvette. A Corvette which gets a nice shot parked next to the Tardis instead of the Mini.

Amy

Blast! Never mind.

Mels

You’ve got to get me out of here.

Doctor

But I’ve only just arrived.

Mels

You don’t want to stick around here Doctor. There is some nonsense going on where no ones dying. If you get this miracle sorted out in a day Torchwood will get bored.

A long time ago in Berlin.

Teselecta Nazi Officer

Time to suffer for your crimes Hitler.

The Tardis crashes into the side of the Reichstag with the worse sense of timing it has ever displayed.

Doctor

You shot my Tardis! Isn’t there an easier way of testing my “temporal grace”

Classic Who Fans

What?

Doctor

Allo Allo Allo, sorry for wrecking your office we had un petite problème.

Hitler

You saved my life.

Doctor, Amy Rory

Non!

Hitler

And you’re French?

Doctor

No, no. We’re British and proud.

Hitler

The British clearly have fearsome technology, I wont dare to attack you. I will shoot the man who tried to kill me though.

Rory punches Hitler in a fantastic character moment.

Rory

That was even better than Captain America.

Doctor

Hmm that could really change history. We’d best hide Hitler in the cupboard and hope he forgets this.

Rory

And I thought the title would lead to some moral dilemmas.

Mel

No time for that this episode is about me.

Mels dramatically regenerates into River Song. We wonder why time lords often regerate into new bodies which are actually past their physical prime.

Audience

So the Doctor could regenerate into a black man? That opens up some possibilities.

Amy

Mels you’re our Daughter? I’m too confused to show relief.

Mels

See Mum, you and Dad you did get to raise me. You even named your daughter after me.

Amy

Couldn’t the flashbacks have shown us having a close friendship? I named my daughter after my delinquent friend who caused me nothing but trouble. And you still turned into a psychopath. What kind of a mother am I?

Teselecta Opereative

That judgement can wait till later. Taking care of River Song will be an even greater achievement than punishing Hitler.

Teselecta Commander

River Song’s worse than Hitler? That sure is a bold statement.

Teselecta Opereative

Yes but we can’t do it here we need to go to The Library at the end of her life.

Teselecta Commander

No we’ll continue with the dramatic course of action we’ll chase her through Berlin.

River Song races through Berlin punishing some Nazis by forcing them out onto the street almost  naked. Amy and Rory try to follow but are miniaturised and taken into the Teselecta.

Rory

Miniaturisation? Oh no, Please no small jokes.

Teselecta Opereative

Quick put these wrist bands on they’ll protect you from the Teselecta antibodies.

Rory

What they don’t have a more intelligent way of recognising staff? That could be dangerous for you.

Doctor

Tardis I want a voice interface. Well a voice interface which comes with an image to be more specific.

An image of Rose appears.

Audience

Oh please not again.

The voice interface eventually changes to a young Amelia Pond.

Young Amy Pond

No one in the entire universe and at no point in history has ever come up with a cure for that poison.

Doctor

Typical thank you so much for that help.

Meanwhile back at the restaurant.

River Song

Hi mum, is it time for the mother daughter scene that everyone’s been waiting for since A Good Man Goes To War?

Telecta Amy

You killed the Doctor. Suffer!

Doctor

Killed Doctor Who?

Rory

Ok maybe a small joke would have been better.

Doctor

So Teselecta, got any useful exposition for me.

Teselecta Commander

The Silence is an organisation and not just one species.

Doctor

Oh good I don’t have to worry about forgetting those aliens name then. But I will have to update my blog.

Amy and Rory

Doctor!

Doctor

What? You’ve got the sonic screw driver. You can stop them from torturing your daughter.

They do so in the usual dangerous way. River then saves them from the antibodies, learning to pilot the Tardis with a speed the Doctor can only envy.

River Song

You’re a caring man, this has suddenly reversed all that brainwashing I had. Even all of Amy’s good stories about you didn’t do that.

Rory

Oh no the Doctor’s dead! Can any of us make it through an episode without that happening?

River Song

Don’t worry I’ll use my remaining regenerations to save him.

Doctor

I’m touched. Does that mean I get extra regenerations or just come back to life?

Writer Steven Moffat

Oh I think that question can wait.

Amy

So after all the longing to be with our daughter again, we’re just going to leave her?

Doctor

There comes a time when we all have to let our children go. Especially when they’re 48.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Doctor Who: The Doctor's Wife: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a shot of the House planet and some eerie looking people. It then cuts to the Doctor cruising in his Tardis.

Doctor

Look I got a message all the way out here from a Time lord. Must have taken a while to get to me.

Rory

Time Lords don’t have intergalactic instant messaging?

Doctor

No things are definitely best said with a letter.

They land on the House planet where the Tardis Matrix is stolen. To keep the Doctor guessing he doesn’t land next to any recognisable parts of other Tardis ships even though that’s what his ship should be attracted to.

Tardis Lady

You’re going to steal me, are stealing me? Tenses are so confusing.

Rory

Especially in French. Have you ever tried learning French?

Uncle and Auntie

Hello we are everyone’s worse weird and creepy uncle and aunt.

Doctor

You remind me of a cook I once knew who wanted to cook humans. But enough pleasantries this Ood is speaking out Time Lord signals. I really like Time Lords.

Audience

Really?

Doctor

Yeah there were some nice ones.

Amy

You want to be forgiven?

Doctor

What kind of a question is that? Of course I do. Wouldn’t you?

Amy

Sorry can I help?

Doctor

You can both go and get my sonic screwdriver from the Tardis. Even though you know I always carry it with me.

House

Poke around as much as you want but I don’t have bigger on the inside technology so don’t expect to find a lot of Time Lords in that cupboard.

Doctor

There are no Time Lords in here.

House

Haha cya.

Rory

But you said you were a friendly planet?

House

Everybody lies.

Tardis Lady

I am Tardis. Such a nice name don’t you think. A bit more imaginative than sexy.

Doctor

Hey! But wait you can’t be the Tardis it would burn you up. Unless a handsome Doctor sucked the energy out of you… actually it stayed in Rose for a while with no harm done to her… Nice to meet you my beautiful Tardis.

Tardis Lady

Yes and you. Even though I’ve always been with you and can apparently observe you. Have you realised it was me who stole you originally.

Doctor

Really? You must have been bored with all that time spent in 1963 junk yard? Speaking of junk yards there are a load of half eaten Tardis Ships which we can use to catch up with Amy and Rory.

Tardis Lady

House only ate half of a Tardis? For something he considers a delicacy he sure is wasteful.

Meanwhile Amy and Rory try to convince House not to kill them.

Rory

You could have more fun by tormenting us.

Amy

Oh way to go stupid face couldn’t you have offered him some kind of long riddle?

House

Have you got any medical riddles?

Amy

No.

House

Then run!

Audience

Yes at last this series is going to show us more of the massive Tardis.

Back on the planet.

Doctor

We’ve just built a Tardis in less time than it takes most people to replace a flat tyre. Are you sure this thing is safe?

Tardis Lady

Of course, I would never let you come to harm.

Doctor

Really? Do you remember the incident with the fast return switch in the brink of destruction?

Tardis Lady

You mean the Edge of Destruction.

Doctor

Don’t side step the question.

Meanwhile Amy and Rory are running through lots of corridors that all look the same.

Audience

Oh we were hoping to see more.

Rory

Amy wait. No!

Amy

Rory it’s ok I like older men.

Rory

You left me we really should hold hands if we’re going to get separated so easily. It will also help us tell illusion from reality. This is way too scary to face alone.

Tardis Lady

Go to oneof my old control rooms.

Audience

Cool. Are we going to see the Tom Baker style Tardis. Or even better a recreation of the very first Tardis set?

They enter the Tardis set used for the 9^th and 10^th Doctor.

Audience

Oh come on!

Doctor

You don’t have the power to breakthrough to our universe but I’ll help. Trust me I’m the Doctor.

House

I’m a Doctor too. I’ll trust you even enough to use your own hinted way of death.

Tardis Lady

Ha-ha I can’t believe you fell for that. Be gone!

House

Please I’m just grumpy and misunderstood. Noooo!

Doctor

I’ll miss you my Tardis.

Tardis Lady

But I’m always with you. Then again a talking Tardis might not be the best idea it could get silly. Can you promise me that you’ll use the Tardis more in the story rather than leaving me parked in some remote spot.

Doctor

I’ll try but I need the challenge of facing things with just my charm, wit, intelligence,  resourcefulness… oh and my sonic screw driver.

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Doctor Who: Day Of The Moon: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with our travellers being chased  by Canton.

Rory

A three month gap? That’s never good. In Star Trek they were always losing during the three month gaps.

Amy

Why are you doing this?

Canton

To take advantage of location shooting. We should use it when we have it.

*****

Doctor

Canton you're building the perfect prison… well besides the Pandorica. It’s a good job you managed to sneak my invisible Tardis in here.

Canton

Yeah for all of the Tardis security features it sure is easy to move. 

Doctor

Well I can’t have it getting me out of trouble all the time. It needs to be stolen occasionally.

*****

Rory

They’re everywhere. Everywhere! It’s an occupation!

Doctor

Which is why we’ll split up to record vocal information. They’ll never catch on to it and vaporise us one by one.

Rory

How quaint. What about a portable projector to keep their image on the Tardis wall so we’d remember what we have learnt? Or we could keep pictures of them in our wallets, on our watch…

Doctor

Don’t start that again.

Canton and Amy go to an orphanage where the manager has forgotten it’s been closed for two years… So have the lawyers, estate agents, child agencies, his family, friends and utility suppliers. The Silence sure are thorough.

Amy

Wandering around alone in the dark sure is fun when you’re looking for dangerous aliens. Whait my recorders flashing, I’ll go out the window. Ahh! That’s a scary image. Shouldn’t we be worried about the kids?

Writer Steven Moffat

No its ok this is culture.

Amy

Culture?

Writer Steven Moffat

Yeah we’re exporting British culture to America remember?

The impossible girl astronaut appears.

The impossible girl astronaut

Help!

Amy

Sorry to shoot at you before. Luckily I’m a lousy shot.

The impossible girl astronaut appears

I hope that’s not genetic.

The Doctor and Rory arrive.

Rory

Where’s Amy?

Canton

Sorry I was failing to get information out of the manager when it happened.

Silence

We are the silence. Silence will fall.

Rory

Great. We don’t need to worry then.

Silence

No I didn’t mean… never mind you’ll forget what I say anyway.

Doctor

So humans decided to go to the moon because the Silence wanted a spacesuit?

Rory

That doesn’t make any sense the Russians proved they had working space suits first.

Doctor

Yes but it would have been harder to film and market to Russia.

*****

Canton

Say something incriminating to this camera I’m clearly holding.

Silence

We’re called the Silence we don’t just talk for the sake of it.

Canton

Amuse me.

Silence

Oh ok. Kill us on sight. Do not hesitate, show no mercy then dispose of our bodies so that you don’t remember us again.

Canton

Wow that was a lot better than I expected.

The Doctors lands inside the Tardis of the Silence.

Doctor

Want to watch the moon landing on television? You should, you helped it happen which does devalue the achievement somewhat.

Silence

It is worse than that. We have been influencing humans since they made fire.

Doctor

What? Then why haven’t I met you before?

Silence

We’re quite.

Doctor

Well not any more.

Video Recording of Silence

Kill us on sight.

Silence

That idiot!

River Song

You’re a big scary alien no ones shot you on sight before?

Silence

Amazingly not.

River Song

So you’re not prepared for me then.

River shoots them all while the Doctor distracts her with his screwdriver.

River Song

Yeah thanks for the help honey. Didn't I shoot efficiently considering I forget them the moment I take my eyes off them. Gosh I hope my old fella didn’t see me do that.

Rory

If I wasn’t so astonished I might read something into what you just said.

****

President Nixon

We’re safe now then?

Doctor

Kind of. I’d keep recording conversations though.

Amy

So I guess we’re now going to look for the girl in the spacesuit?

Writer Steven Moffat

Haha yeah right. I’ wil tease you with the girls regeneration though.

Doctor

Well I really think I need a holiday. How about a cruise?

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

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