Doctor Who: Asylum Of The Daleks: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with an atmospheric but far too short voiceover

Voiceover

First there were the Daleks then there was the Doctor.

Audience

Really? The Daleks are older than the Doctor?

Voiceover

It’s all relative.

Undercover Dalek

Help my daughter is in a Dalek prison camp.

Doctor

She couldn’t have escaped, nothing that impossible has ever happened in my life.

Undecover Dalek

Fine I’ll just shoot you.

The Doctor, Rory and Amy are taken to the Dalek ship.

Doctor

Fine you have me and it was ridiculously easy for you. Just shoot now and end all of your troubles.

Dalek Prime minister

We do not need you’re perfectly good advice on how to finally exterminate you. We are Daleks! No one matches our perfection!

We brought the time lords to the knees! We are the nightmare of millions of races! 

Help us!

Doctor

Wow and I thought absence would make me fear you more.

Cut to Oswin being annoyed by noisy Dalek neighbours.

Audience

Noo! It’s too soon Amy and Rory can’t be going already!

Cut back to the Doctor

Dalek Prime minister

We are not really weak we just want you to do the dirty work. Lower the planets shields so that we can destroy it and we’ll let you live... We Promise!

Amy

Are you crossing your tentacles when you promise?

Doctor

How many Daleks are down there?

Rory

What colour are they?… sorry I couldn’t think of another good question.

Doctor Who fans

Hey! That’s a really important question to us!

The Doctor and his companions get shot at the Asylum Planet and land in some beautiful snowy mountains.

Doctor

Ooh scenic.

Mysterious man

Yet unnecessary. Come. Let’s get back onto the cheaper sets. I’ll show you my crew.

Doctor

They’re dead.

Mysterious man

But I’ve only been gone 5 minutes.

A Dalek eye stalk starts to grow out of his forehead.

Doctor

Right push him into the cupboard Amy. These Daleks are becoming more and more Borg like.

Amy

And zombie like.

Doctor

What? Ahh! Zombie Daleks. I can’t handle the walking dead as well. I like more chatty enemies. We’ll just run. Zombies are really slow.

Amy

This nano field is very effective. I hope they never set one up on earth.

Doctor

If they do I hope I’m the one who fixes it and not torchwood.

Oswin Oswald

Hello again. I’m tracking you’re progress and need to get in on your light banter. Doctor I don’t like your chin.

Doctor

Hey I’m trying to save you here!

Rory enters a Dalek scrap yard

Rory

Hmmm quite Daleks. I’m sure there’s no danger here.

Scrap Dalek

Assimiliate… I mean eggs.

Rory

Eh?

Scrap Dalek

Give me a break I haven’t been serviced for a while. Let me try again. Exterminate! Exterminate!

Oswin Oswald

Run!

Rory

I know, I know. It’s what we always do.

*****

Doctor

There are trillions of nanos in the air and they’re changing you.

Amy

Yet another slow working change.

Doctor

Yeah got to keep the drama up and it could do wonders for your marriage.

Rory

Hello again.

Doctor

Good. Have a chat you two. You have been through far too much to separate now.

Oswin

Hey Doctor there are more important things to think about.

Doctor

Like where you get your milk?

Oswin

I’ve been fending off millions of Daleks and you’re asking about milk?

Doctor

If I’m going to have a new companion I fancy one that bakes.  Jammie dodgers aren’t as nice as something freshly made.

Oswin

Just come and get me.

The Doctor finds an unprotected long range transporter in this Dalek prison…ok… well he needed some way to get out.

Doctor

You’re a Dalek! Sorry there’s absolutely NOTHING that I can do. Well I’ll probably think of something but for the moment I still have two companions.

Oswin

Don’t forget me, you owe me a big favour for erasing the Dalek’s memory of you.

Doctor

Yeah that was amazing. I wish we had you around during the time war. Actually since it’s so easy can you erase there memories of everything else. Like how to build eachother, or how to wage war. Make them forget how to live.

Oswin

Too late the planet is exploding.

Doctor

Sigh the Daleks used to be destroyed by a few pushes of the button.

Steven Moffat

Not on my watch!

The Doctor beams to his Tardis.

Doctor

Hello again it’s me, the Doctor

Daleks

Doctor Who?

Doctor

Err no one. Don’t ever do any research into my name or into this mysterious blue police box. It’s definitely  not worth your time.

Doctor Who: A Good Man Goes To War: First Draft Parody Script

A parody review of Dr Who A Good Man Goes To War. A fantastic episode with a great cliff hanger.

It's complicated and I'm not talking about this fancy cot mobile

Opens with Rory the Roman threatening the Cybermen.

Rory

My name is Rory Lazarus Williams. Nurse of the NHS. Loyal to the true sci fi hero the Doctor. Father of a kidnapped child husband to an angry wife. And I shall have my vengeance. In this life or the next.

Cybermen

O…k. Why are you telling us this?

Rory

To make you believe I’m threatening despite my strange outfit. To make you tell me where I can find my wife And besides I’ve always wanted to say that.

Cybermen

Any outfit you’d wear would be strange to us this is probably the best choice.

Rory

Good point. But since you didn’t help straight away we’re going to blow up your fleet.

*****

Doctor

I’m calling in some favours.

Dorium

After all the horrors you’ve faced you finally want some help? This must be dangerous? Can’t I just draw a map rather than show you the way there in person?

Doctor

Just keep your head and you’ll be fine.

*****

Colonel Manton

The Doctor will be coming with vengeance. We’d better say our prayers.

Madam Kovarian

We’re not going to. We are the demons remember.

Colonel Manton

So what’s with the Headless Monks?

Mad

It’s complicated.

The soldiers gather on Demons Run for a stirring speech.

Colonel Manton

You are the best soldiers. We will defeat the Doc…

Doctor

Hello.

Colonel Manton

My most hated enemy. I should kill you on sight.

Doctor

But you won’t even if all of your research about me shows your hesitation is a mistake.

Colonel Manton

We are not crazy fools. We will not be tricked just because you’re in fancy dress.

A soldier shoots a Headless Monk.

Colonel Manton

We are not crazy fools! Disarm!

Lots of Judoon and Silurians beam in.

Doctor

I love it when a plan comes together.

*****

Rory

Amy!

Amy

Rory J

Doctor

Amy!

Amy

You sure took you’re time.

Doctor

Timey wimey?

Amy

Ok then I can’t stay mad at you.

Later in the storm cage command centre.

Madam Vestra

They were manipulating Melody to become a weapon against you. You’ve become too dangerous.

Doctor

“Demons run when a good man goes to war” didn’t you hear I’m a good man? Although the universe was destroyed due to my Tardis. I’m sure glad the Silurians, Sontarans and Judoon have forgiven me for that. But the Daleks might prove trickier to reconcile with.

Dorium

But this was too easy. It must be a trap.

Doctor

You go and find out while I bravely stay here and have a chat with the villain.

*****

Lorna

It’s a trap!

Amy

Why should we believe you? Look at your uniform.

Lorna

And? You’re still in your nightie, this isn’t the fairy tale series anymore.

The lights dim and the Headless Monks start their chant.

Lorna

Maybe we can talk to them, does anyone know Latin?

Cmmander Strax

Rory the Roman you must know some?

Rory

It was a long time ago.

They face the Headless Monks in one of Dr Who’s best fight scenes. Sword fighting is cool. But Amy’s baby disintegrates as it is a ganger.

Audience

Wait the last two episodes showed that gangers are sentient too. Is this the first case of Dr Who infanticide? This really is a scary show.

Doctor

Amy, Rory! Mrelody is a…bad timing again?

Amy

Yeah. Melody is gone and most of your army is dead.

River Song

Hello sweetie.

Amy

You turn up now when I’m at my most angry?

Doctor

Please Amy let me have my moment first. You turn up now when I am at my most angry?

River Song

It’s time for my big revelation. Some smug fans will say they already guessed it but I doubt many were a 100% sure. And they only guessed it after a really big clue. If they’d guessed it at the beginning of season 5 I might be impressed.

Doctor

Who are you?

River Song

Look at the writing on the cot.

Audience members that haven’t been paying much attention

You’re his mother?

River Song

Yuk that’s disgusting. No!

Doctor

I know who you are he he.

Looks guiltily at Amy and Rory.

Doctor

I’m out of here.

Amy

We could have easily stopped the Dr but I want you to tell us who you are.

River Song

I’m your daughter. I’m melody.

Amy

What?

Rory

Doctor!

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission

Doctor Who: The Doctor's Wife: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a shot of the House planet and some eerie looking people. It then cuts to the Doctor cruising in his Tardis.

Doctor

Look I got a message all the way out here from a Time lord. Must have taken a while to get to me.

Rory

Time Lords don’t have intergalactic instant messaging?

Doctor

No things are definitely best said with a letter.

They land on the House planet where the Tardis Matrix is stolen. To keep the Doctor guessing he doesn’t land next to any recognisable parts of other Tardis ships even though that’s what his ship should be attracted to.

Tardis Lady

You’re going to steal me, are stealing me? Tenses are so confusing.

Rory

Especially in French. Have you ever tried learning French?

Uncle and Auntie

Hello we are everyone’s worse weird and creepy uncle and aunt.

Doctor

You remind me of a cook I once knew who wanted to cook humans. But enough pleasantries this Ood is speaking out Time Lord signals. I really like Time Lords.

Audience

Really?

Doctor

Yeah there were some nice ones.

Amy

You want to be forgiven?

Doctor

What kind of a question is that? Of course I do. Wouldn’t you?

Amy

Sorry can I help?

Doctor

You can both go and get my sonic screwdriver from the Tardis. Even though you know I always carry it with me.

House

Poke around as much as you want but I don’t have bigger on the inside technology so don’t expect to find a lot of Time Lords in that cupboard.

Doctor

There are no Time Lords in here.

House

Haha cya.

Rory

But you said you were a friendly planet?

House

Everybody lies.

Tardis Lady

I am Tardis. Such a nice name don’t you think. A bit more imaginative than sexy.

Doctor

Hey! But wait you can’t be the Tardis it would burn you up. Unless a handsome Doctor sucked the energy out of you… actually it stayed in Rose for a while with no harm done to her… Nice to meet you my beautiful Tardis.

Tardis Lady

Yes and you. Even though I’ve always been with you and can apparently observe you. Have you realised it was me who stole you originally.

Doctor

Really? You must have been bored with all that time spent in 1963 junk yard? Speaking of junk yards there are a load of half eaten Tardis Ships which we can use to catch up with Amy and Rory.

Tardis Lady

House only ate half of a Tardis? For something he considers a delicacy he sure is wasteful.

Meanwhile Amy and Rory try to convince House not to kill them.

Rory

You could have more fun by tormenting us.

Amy

Oh way to go stupid face couldn’t you have offered him some kind of long riddle?

House

Have you got any medical riddles?

Amy

No.

House

Then run!

Audience

Yes at last this series is going to show us more of the massive Tardis.

Back on the planet.

Doctor

We’ve just built a Tardis in less time than it takes most people to replace a flat tyre. Are you sure this thing is safe?

Tardis Lady

Of course, I would never let you come to harm.

Doctor

Really? Do you remember the incident with the fast return switch in the brink of destruction?

Tardis Lady

You mean the Edge of Destruction.

Doctor

Don’t side step the question.

Meanwhile Amy and Rory are running through lots of corridors that all look the same.

Audience

Oh we were hoping to see more.

Rory

Amy wait. No!

Amy

Rory it’s ok I like older men.

Rory

You left me we really should hold hands if we’re going to get separated so easily. It will also help us tell illusion from reality. This is way too scary to face alone.

Tardis Lady

Go to oneof my old control rooms.

Audience

Cool. Are we going to see the Tom Baker style Tardis. Or even better a recreation of the very first Tardis set?

They enter the Tardis set used for the 9^th and 10^th Doctor.

Audience

Oh come on!

Doctor

You don’t have the power to breakthrough to our universe but I’ll help. Trust me I’m the Doctor.

House

I’m a Doctor too. I’ll trust you even enough to use your own hinted way of death.

Tardis Lady

Ha-ha I can’t believe you fell for that. Be gone!

House

Please I’m just grumpy and misunderstood. Noooo!

Doctor

I’ll miss you my Tardis.

Tardis Lady

But I’m always with you. Then again a talking Tardis might not be the best idea it could get silly. Can you promise me that you’ll use the Tardis more in the story rather than leaving me parked in some remote spot.

Doctor

I’ll try but I need the challenge of facing things with just my charm, wit, intelligence,  resourcefulness… oh and my sonic screw driver.

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Doctor Who: Day Of The Moon: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with our travellers being chased  by Canton.

Rory

A three month gap? That’s never good. In Star Trek they were always losing during the three month gaps.

Amy

Why are you doing this?

Canton

To take advantage of location shooting. We should use it when we have it.

*****

Doctor

Canton you're building the perfect prison… well besides the Pandorica. It’s a good job you managed to sneak my invisible Tardis in here.

Canton

Yeah for all of the Tardis security features it sure is easy to move. 

Doctor

Well I can’t have it getting me out of trouble all the time. It needs to be stolen occasionally.

*****

Rory

They’re everywhere. Everywhere! It’s an occupation!

Doctor

Which is why we’ll split up to record vocal information. They’ll never catch on to it and vaporise us one by one.

Rory

How quaint. What about a portable projector to keep their image on the Tardis wall so we’d remember what we have learnt? Or we could keep pictures of them in our wallets, on our watch…

Doctor

Don’t start that again.

Canton and Amy go to an orphanage where the manager has forgotten it’s been closed for two years… So have the lawyers, estate agents, child agencies, his family, friends and utility suppliers. The Silence sure are thorough.

Amy

Wandering around alone in the dark sure is fun when you’re looking for dangerous aliens. Whait my recorders flashing, I’ll go out the window. Ahh! That’s a scary image. Shouldn’t we be worried about the kids?

Writer Steven Moffat

No its ok this is culture.

Amy

Culture?

Writer Steven Moffat

Yeah we’re exporting British culture to America remember?

The impossible girl astronaut appears.

The impossible girl astronaut

Help!

Amy

Sorry to shoot at you before. Luckily I’m a lousy shot.

The impossible girl astronaut appears

I hope that’s not genetic.

The Doctor and Rory arrive.

Rory

Where’s Amy?

Canton

Sorry I was failing to get information out of the manager when it happened.

Silence

We are the silence. Silence will fall.

Rory

Great. We don’t need to worry then.

Silence

No I didn’t mean… never mind you’ll forget what I say anyway.

Doctor

So humans decided to go to the moon because the Silence wanted a spacesuit?

Rory

That doesn’t make any sense the Russians proved they had working space suits first.

Doctor

Yes but it would have been harder to film and market to Russia.

*****

Canton

Say something incriminating to this camera I’m clearly holding.

Silence

We’re called the Silence we don’t just talk for the sake of it.

Canton

Amuse me.

Silence

Oh ok. Kill us on sight. Do not hesitate, show no mercy then dispose of our bodies so that you don’t remember us again.

Canton

Wow that was a lot better than I expected.

The Doctors lands inside the Tardis of the Silence.

Doctor

Want to watch the moon landing on television? You should, you helped it happen which does devalue the achievement somewhat.

Silence

It is worse than that. We have been influencing humans since they made fire.

Doctor

What? Then why haven’t I met you before?

Silence

We’re quite.

Doctor

Well not any more.

Video Recording of Silence

Kill us on sight.

Silence

That idiot!

River Song

You’re a big scary alien no ones shot you on sight before?

Silence

Amazingly not.

River Song

So you’re not prepared for me then.

River shoots them all while the Doctor distracts her with his screwdriver.

River Song

Yeah thanks for the help honey. Didn't I shoot efficiently considering I forget them the moment I take my eyes off them. Gosh I hope my old fella didn’t see me do that.

Rory

If I wasn’t so astonished I might read something into what you just said.

****

President Nixon

We’re safe now then?

Doctor

Kind of. I’d keep recording conversations though.

Amy

So I guess we’re now going to look for the girl in the spacesuit?

Writer Steven Moffat

Haha yeah right. I’ wil tease you with the girls regeneration though.

Doctor

Well I really think I need a holiday. How about a cruise?

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

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