Doctor Who: Asylum Of The Daleks: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with an atmospheric but far too short voiceover

Voiceover

First there were the Daleks then there was the Doctor.

Audience

Really? The Daleks are older than the Doctor?

Voiceover

It’s all relative.

Undercover Dalek

Help my daughter is in a Dalek prison camp.

Doctor

She couldn’t have escaped, nothing that impossible has ever happened in my life.

Undecover Dalek

Fine I’ll just shoot you.

The Doctor, Rory and Amy are taken to the Dalek ship.

Doctor

Fine you have me and it was ridiculously easy for you. Just shoot now and end all of your troubles.

Dalek Prime minister

We do not need you’re perfectly good advice on how to finally exterminate you. We are Daleks! No one matches our perfection!

We brought the time lords to the knees! We are the nightmare of millions of races! 

Help us!

Doctor

Wow and I thought absence would make me fear you more.

Cut to Oswin being annoyed by noisy Dalek neighbours.

Audience

Noo! It’s too soon Amy and Rory can’t be going already!

Cut back to the Doctor

Dalek Prime minister

We are not really weak we just want you to do the dirty work. Lower the planets shields so that we can destroy it and we’ll let you live... We Promise!

Amy

Are you crossing your tentacles when you promise?

Doctor

How many Daleks are down there?

Rory

What colour are they?… sorry I couldn’t think of another good question.

Doctor Who fans

Hey! That’s a really important question to us!

The Doctor and his companions get shot at the Asylum Planet and land in some beautiful snowy mountains.

Doctor

Ooh scenic.

Mysterious man

Yet unnecessary. Come. Let’s get back onto the cheaper sets. I’ll show you my crew.

Doctor

They’re dead.

Mysterious man

But I’ve only been gone 5 minutes.

A Dalek eye stalk starts to grow out of his forehead.

Doctor

Right push him into the cupboard Amy. These Daleks are becoming more and more Borg like.

Amy

And zombie like.

Doctor

What? Ahh! Zombie Daleks. I can’t handle the walking dead as well. I like more chatty enemies. We’ll just run. Zombies are really slow.

Amy

This nano field is very effective. I hope they never set one up on earth.

Doctor

If they do I hope I’m the one who fixes it and not torchwood.

Oswin Oswald

Hello again. I’m tracking you’re progress and need to get in on your light banter. Doctor I don’t like your chin.

Doctor

Hey I’m trying to save you here!

Rory enters a Dalek scrap yard

Rory

Hmmm quite Daleks. I’m sure there’s no danger here.

Scrap Dalek

Assimiliate… I mean eggs.

Rory

Eh?

Scrap Dalek

Give me a break I haven’t been serviced for a while. Let me try again. Exterminate! Exterminate!

Oswin Oswald

Run!

Rory

I know, I know. It’s what we always do.

*****

Doctor

There are trillions of nanos in the air and they’re changing you.

Amy

Yet another slow working change.

Doctor

Yeah got to keep the drama up and it could do wonders for your marriage.

Rory

Hello again.

Doctor

Good. Have a chat you two. You have been through far too much to separate now.

Oswin

Hey Doctor there are more important things to think about.

Doctor

Like where you get your milk?

Oswin

I’ve been fending off millions of Daleks and you’re asking about milk?

Doctor

If I’m going to have a new companion I fancy one that bakes.  Jammie dodgers aren’t as nice as something freshly made.

Oswin

Just come and get me.

The Doctor finds an unprotected long range transporter in this Dalek prison…ok… well he needed some way to get out.

Doctor

You’re a Dalek! Sorry there’s absolutely NOTHING that I can do. Well I’ll probably think of something but for the moment I still have two companions.

Oswin

Don’t forget me, you owe me a big favour for erasing the Dalek’s memory of you.

Doctor

Yeah that was amazing. I wish we had you around during the time war. Actually since it’s so easy can you erase there memories of everything else. Like how to build eachother, or how to wage war. Make them forget how to live.

Oswin

Too late the planet is exploding.

Doctor

Sigh the Daleks used to be destroyed by a few pushes of the button.

Steven Moffat

Not on my watch!

The Doctor beams to his Tardis.

Doctor

Hello again it’s me, the Doctor

Daleks

Doctor Who?

Doctor

Err no one. Don’t ever do any research into my name or into this mysterious blue police box. It’s definitely  not worth your time.

Serenity: First Draft Parody Script

 Image soure wikipedia

Writer, director, creator and chief geek man Joss Whedon

Yeeeeeeha! I've made this into a film.

Opening in a research lab Simon rescues his sister River with the use of a magic wand.

People who haven't seen the series

Meh a semi exciting opening.

People who have seen the series

Is this a dream, I can't believe I'm seeing a firefly movie. Wait a minute in the series Simon didn't break River out himself. Oh I don't care I'm so happy.

Operative too mysterious for a name

Well I'm not happy with the conveniently placed cameras that captured the event. Why didn't the film crew stop them?

Research Doctor

Shouldn't you at least have a generic name like Smith or Brown. Must be very confusing for your bosses.

Operative too mysterious for a name

....I would like to introduce you to my sword.

Cut to Serenity flying around and falling apart.

Mal

What's with all the guns?

Jayne

I need to intimidate some people and my name is Jayne!

Mal

Good point.

They break into a vault and like all good robbers stare into the security cameras as they do it.

Zoe

(Puts her gun against the head of someone trying to resist) You know what the definition of a hero is? Someone who gets other people killed.

River

Hey I'm supposed to be the prophetic one!

Wash

Err what did you just say?

Reavers appear they're savage, self harming, subhuman, mindless monsters.... who would make great maths, science and engineering students. After all they are masters of space flight. The crew manage to escape in an impressive array of special effects.

Kaylee

Wizard.

People who haven't seen the series

Oooh this is getting interesting.

Simon

Despite another demonstration of how dangerous it is out here and despite the fact that your the only people I know I can trust, me and River are leaving.

Mal

You're an idiot.

Jayne

I'll help you pack.

They go to a bar, River sees a power ranger cartoon and suddenly discovers a skill for beating people up. A whole lot of people.

Mal

I'm not so sure about having River aboard.

River

I see dead people.

Simon

Umm she's fine, really. Beside you brought her back on board.

Mal

Oh well she stays then, can't go getting indecisive now can I.

Jayne

Sigh.

Mal goes to see Inara as an excuse to get into another dangerous situation.

Inara

Can't you try the easy way from time to time?

Mal

Just coming to see if you still have your 'skills'.

Inara

I do.

Operative too mysterious for a name

She does.

Incense/flash bomb

I'd say she does. Boom!

Mal

How did you set  the exact time, so it got the operative and not us?

Inara

Woman's intuition.

They return to there hiding spot to find the alliance  has destroyed it and left no one alive. Well almost no one.

Mal

Mysterious Book nooooo! I still haven't figured out the mystery, knew I should have read the last chapter first. Wait didn't we talk earlier.

Mysterious Book

Yeah but I'm not a big enough part of the film for a shortened script.

Mal

This is so sad. You've got to make it, you should be a bigger part of the film.

Mysterious Book

I know it's a tragic story. At least I managed to survive a mortal wound for hours, possibly days, so that I can give you a few words of wisdom. I'll die now so that it's not too long and gets edited out.

Mal

Right we're going to soup up Serenity for a pass through Reaver territory. Out of respect of Mysterious Book hiss skeleton will be our main feature.

Kaylee

That's horrid.

Mal

It's either him or Simon.

Kaylee

I'll go get some rope.

They have a scary experience traveling through Reaver space as they're ships blast out Reaver pop music.

River

I see dead people.

Kaylee

We all see dead people the entire planets dead. But on the bright side the technology is intact, shiny.

Zoe

Since Reavers eat people you'd think they'd start with these vacuum packed ones.

They enter a crashed but only slightly damaged ship and find the message.

Hologram of scientist

It's our fault, we just wanted to make an original scifi series with engaging characters but the Trekky's couldn't handle it.

Kaylee

(Quivering in fear) No not Trekkies, the Reavers are die hard Trekkies.

Mal

Oh my.

They head off to broadcast the signal through Mr Universe. The Alliance is waiting for them behind a cloud... surrounding a planet.... well at least it's not explained by meaningless techno-babble.

Operative too mysterious for a name

What could possibly go wrong?

Random officer

Well a whole fleet of Reaver ships could appear. But then the satellites on the other side of  the cloud would be able to warn us.

Operative too mysterious for a name

All monitors are tuned to Big Brother. We love Big Brother.

Random officer

So how come your watching X Files?

Operative too mysterious for a name

You can't take my Sky from me. Besides what are the chances of Reavers turning up?

Reavers turn up, huge battle commences, Serenity crashes. Wash dies.

People who have and haven't seen the series

NOOOOOO! Sob. Why do main characters have to die in this series?

Writer, director, creator and chief geek man Joss Whedon

Tense isn't it?

Mal goes to send the signal whilst everyone else digs in for some Reaver shooting.

Simon

Kaylee you know my bigest regret is not being with you.

Kaylee

You mean as in sex? To hell with this I'm going to live. I will also continue to premote sales of the Firefly DVD so that people can see more dimensions to my character than simply just Simon chasing.

Mal comes across the transmitter which for some reason is over a giant chasm.

Mal

Not at all like Star Wars.

Operative too mysterious for a name

I've been waiting for you Mal. We meet again at last.

Mal

But I was here first.

Operative too mysterious for a name

Shut up! Now let me introduce you to my sword.

They fight Mal wins and sends out the signal. Meanwhile River defeats the Reavers/Trekky's because she's a girl and Trekky's are terrified of girls.

Operative too mysterious for a name

Mal I've repaired your ship healed your crew, I believe that's called switching sides. Join me and we can overthrow the Emperor.

Mal

Nah I just prefer floating around. Hoping for a sequel.

People who have and haven't seen the series

Please let there be a sequel.

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.