The Walking Dead: A: First Draft Parody Script

The last episode of the season begins, trying to influence the critics with its title.

A

Opens with a flashback of the happy prison life, Hershel is back because... well everyone's likes Hershel. Besides whose going to remember farmer Rick from the beginning of the season?

Hershel

Hi how's....

Rick

Not so fast, I need to go back to my current day traumatic state.

Carl

What are we doing Dad?

Rick

Hunting rabbits huhuhhuhuhuhuh...

Carl

Are you ok?

Rick

Clearly not.

Flashback

Hershel

Rick I'm worried about you. Come with me and become a farmer.

Rick

Don't you think that it's too early for me to start dropping my guard?

Hershel

No, no not at all. Or on my head be it.

Cut to the current day where they tensely dispatch walkers with ease.

Rick

This seems as good a place as any for a camp fire.

Carl

Dad we couldn't be any more out in the open.

Rick

Don't worry about the risks son. Can't you see how I've grown as a character?

The marauders arrive to interrupt the ever vigilant Rick and Michone.

Joe

You killed our friend! Only we get to kill our friends!

Daryl

Hey Rick! Remember this bad ass friend of yours? I'm so bad ass I am going to stop these marauders by trying to talk to them out of it. Ow!

Rick

Noooo! You can't kill Daryl... I mean Carl! Chomp.

Michone

Whoa you really have good teeth for someone this far into an apocalypse.

Rick

I've just bitten someone's neck in half and that's all you have to say?

Michone

Hey I'm just trying to keep a little sense of mystery with my character.

They continue walking to terminus but at the last minute decide not just to knock on the front door.

Rick

We'll leave most of our weapons here as a precaution.

Carl

Why not leave 2 people here as a precaution as well?

Rick

Son I told you not to question tmy character development!

Radio lady

Sanctuary for all, community for all. Terminus. Those who arrive survive. Alive...wahahahahaha!

Gareth

Hey I told you to cut out that last bit.

Rick

Hello.

Gareth

Whoa, how long have you been watching us?

Rick

Long enough...

Gareth

Oh no.

Rick

To know that we want to stay here.

Gareth

Oh yes, yes of course. Come and have something to eat, I hope that you're not vegetarians. Ah!

Rick

Where did you get the watch?

Gareth

It's a long story.

Rick

Liar! Tell me where my people are or I'll shoot.

Gareth

Ha, notice the sniper? It's a bit too late to realise that this is a trap.

Rick

Run!

Gareth

Run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run.

Carl (running for his life)

*Gasp* I wish that we paid more attention *Gasp* to the forshadowing *Gasp*

Gareth

We have you surrounded, get in the shipping container.

Rick

Hey my son comes with me.

Gareth

We will think about it.

Rick

If he doesn't I'll be constantly asking “Where's Carl”?

Gareth

Fine take him!

Glenn

Rick! Good to see you but also bad to see you, in a way.

Maggie

You were stupid enough to get sucked in too?

Rick

We reconnoitred first.

Maggie

And you didn't see the bones, or hear the screams?

Rick

Well err no... but they're the ones who should feel stupid.

Glenn

Why?

Rick

Well err because... OK!

The shows ambles to a finish but everyone's happy because none of their favourite characters have died.

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Doctor Who: The Name Of The Doctor: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a complicated set on Galifrey with two nameless engineers. We then cut to a jarringly simple set using stock footage of the first Doctor.

Clara

Not that Tardis Doctor, take this one.

Tardis

But I’m the one who chose him?

1^st Doctor

Listen ladies, I would feel a lot more rebellious if I was not doing what others told me to do.

Cut to earth 1893

Madame Vastra

I must call everyone to a meeting.

Jenny

Based on the word of a mad man?

Madame Vastra

Isn’t that always the way?

They gather together in a dream.

River Song

This is a really easy way to gather together for plot progression. Why don’t we do it more often? It’s less risky than travelling.

Jenny

I’m not so sure of that I think I’ve been murdered.

Madame Vastra

Noooo!

Strax

Don’t worry boy. People “die” and then return all the time. Death isn’t the hindrance it used to be.

Great Intelligence

If the Doctor wants to rescue his friends he must come to tell the Doctor to come Trenzalore.

Clara

Do you ever think that you are putting too much pressure on yourself by choosing the name of “Great intelligence”?

Great Intelligence

Hmmm I have never considered that… Doh!

#####

Clara

Stop being stupid the kids have left you to play blind mans bluff alone.

Doctor

But I’m the Doctor I have lived for over 900 years.

Clara

Well you and the Great Intelligence will have a magnificent battle of wits. He says that you have to go to some place called Trenzalore

Doctor

Great Scott! That’s the location of my grave. A time traveller must never go there.

Clara

Woah Doc this is heavy.

They travel to Trenzalore with the Tardis fighting it all of the way.

Doctor

What’s the problem darling.

Tardis

Look at the grave, I don’t want to see this.

Great Intelligence

Tell us your name and Open the Tardis! Doctor Who?

Doctor

In 50 years no one has ever cared this much.

The doors open to reveal a big swirling light.

Clara

How original.

Great Intelligence

I will head into the Doctors timeline to erase him from history.

Strax

How is that strategically a good idea? Why not kill him now so that all the villains that he has already defeated won’t come back? They could become your deadly rivals.

Great Intelligence

The universe won’t fall apart completely from the lack of just one man.

The stars start to disappear

Madame

Wow in all the universe there has only been one saviour? How did the Doctor not have a messiah complex?

Clara enters the time stream to save the Doctor

Clara

Ooh clips form the old series this is definitely worth the risk.

Doctor

I must go into my time stream and save her.

River Song

You can’t cross your own time stream that’s crazy.

Doctor

Time can be rewritten. Thankfully so can the rules this series as well.

Clara

I don’t know where I am.

Doctor

Grab this leaf it will bring you back. Good now let’s make like a tree and… uh oh.

Clara

Who is he?

Doctor

A low key but exciting cliff hanger.

Clara

I think time might slow before the 50^th anniversary.

Doctor

I think you’re right. Geronimo!

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Doctor Who: Asylum Of The Daleks: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with an atmospheric but far too short voiceover

Voiceover

First there were the Daleks then there was the Doctor.

Audience

Really? The Daleks are older than the Doctor?

Voiceover

It’s all relative.

Undercover Dalek

Help my daughter is in a Dalek prison camp.

Doctor

She couldn’t have escaped, nothing that impossible has ever happened in my life.

Undecover Dalek

Fine I’ll just shoot you.

The Doctor, Rory and Amy are taken to the Dalek ship.

Doctor

Fine you have me and it was ridiculously easy for you. Just shoot now and end all of your troubles.

Dalek Prime minister

We do not need you’re perfectly good advice on how to finally exterminate you. We are Daleks! No one matches our perfection!

We brought the time lords to the knees! We are the nightmare of millions of races! 

Help us!

Doctor

Wow and I thought absence would make me fear you more.

Cut to Oswin being annoyed by noisy Dalek neighbours.

Audience

Noo! It’s too soon Amy and Rory can’t be going already!

Cut back to the Doctor

Dalek Prime minister

We are not really weak we just want you to do the dirty work. Lower the planets shields so that we can destroy it and we’ll let you live... We Promise!

Amy

Are you crossing your tentacles when you promise?

Doctor

How many Daleks are down there?

Rory

What colour are they?… sorry I couldn’t think of another good question.

Doctor Who fans

Hey! That’s a really important question to us!

The Doctor and his companions get shot at the Asylum Planet and land in some beautiful snowy mountains.

Doctor

Ooh scenic.

Mysterious man

Yet unnecessary. Come. Let’s get back onto the cheaper sets. I’ll show you my crew.

Doctor

They’re dead.

Mysterious man

But I’ve only been gone 5 minutes.

A Dalek eye stalk starts to grow out of his forehead.

Doctor

Right push him into the cupboard Amy. These Daleks are becoming more and more Borg like.

Amy

And zombie like.

Doctor

What? Ahh! Zombie Daleks. I can’t handle the walking dead as well. I like more chatty enemies. We’ll just run. Zombies are really slow.

Amy

This nano field is very effective. I hope they never set one up on earth.

Doctor

If they do I hope I’m the one who fixes it and not torchwood.

Oswin Oswald

Hello again. I’m tracking you’re progress and need to get in on your light banter. Doctor I don’t like your chin.

Doctor

Hey I’m trying to save you here!

Rory enters a Dalek scrap yard

Rory

Hmmm quite Daleks. I’m sure there’s no danger here.

Scrap Dalek

Assimiliate… I mean eggs.

Rory

Eh?

Scrap Dalek

Give me a break I haven’t been serviced for a while. Let me try again. Exterminate! Exterminate!

Oswin Oswald

Run!

Rory

I know, I know. It’s what we always do.

*****

Doctor

There are trillions of nanos in the air and they’re changing you.

Amy

Yet another slow working change.

Doctor

Yeah got to keep the drama up and it could do wonders for your marriage.

Rory

Hello again.

Doctor

Good. Have a chat you two. You have been through far too much to separate now.

Oswin

Hey Doctor there are more important things to think about.

Doctor

Like where you get your milk?

Oswin

I’ve been fending off millions of Daleks and you’re asking about milk?

Doctor

If I’m going to have a new companion I fancy one that bakes.  Jammie dodgers aren’t as nice as something freshly made.

Oswin

Just come and get me.

The Doctor finds an unprotected long range transporter in this Dalek prison…ok… well he needed some way to get out.

Doctor

You’re a Dalek! Sorry there’s absolutely NOTHING that I can do. Well I’ll probably think of something but for the moment I still have two companions.

Oswin

Don’t forget me, you owe me a big favour for erasing the Dalek’s memory of you.

Doctor

Yeah that was amazing. I wish we had you around during the time war. Actually since it’s so easy can you erase there memories of everything else. Like how to build eachother, or how to wage war. Make them forget how to live.

Oswin

Too late the planet is exploding.

Doctor

Sigh the Daleks used to be destroyed by a few pushes of the button.

Steven Moffat

Not on my watch!

The Doctor beams to his Tardis.

Doctor

Hello again it’s me, the Doctor

Daleks

Doctor Who?

Doctor

Err no one. Don’t ever do any research into my name or into this mysterious blue police box. It’s definitely  not worth your time.

Battlestar Galataca: The Miniseries: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a long shot of a remote and unimportant space station.

Six

Hello, I’m the sex… I MEAN THE SIX!

Officer

Right… Well it’s nice that you finally decided to meet with us again.

Six

Actually we have come back to wipe out the human race in a surprise attack.

Officer

By destroying this insignificant outpost first? How is that going to help you maintain the element of surprise?

Six

You’re worried about that? This is the crucial time for your diplomatic skills to shine through.

Officer

Oh… Gak!

Six

Too Late.

Meanwhile on the Battlestar Galataca.

Reporter

Thank you for joining our exposition tour. Look how old and nostalgic everything looks.

Captain Kelley

Sir I just want to say what an honour it has been to serve you. I am sorry to see you retiring.

Commander Adama

I’m getting a sense of foreboding with everyone telling me this.

Captain Kelley

Don’t worry Sir nothing bad has ever happened to someone just before retirement.

Liutenant Gaeta

It’s been an honour serving with you sir!

Commander Adama

Please change the subject.

Lieutenant Gaeta

Please tell me that Colonel Tigh is retiring too?

Commander Adama

Change the subject back.

*****

Colonel Tigh

Show me the way to go home… Oh *cough* hello Commander. I wish to press charges against Kara Thrace for assaulting a senior officer.

Commander Adama

But I like Thrace, I’m sure she’s learnt her lesson.

Colonel Tigh

You are far too lenient Commander. Imagine what could happen next time. I could have a gun pulled on me… A top secret military craft could be stolen…. Half the crew could mutiny…

Commander Adama

Enough! Get your drunk ass out of here.

*****

TV reporter

Welcome to our timely interview with Dr Balter about the development of computer technology.

Dr Balter

As everyone is aware previous development led to a long war which cost millions of lives and nearly caused our own extinction.

TV reporter

And your counter argument?

Dr Balter

Errr we shouldn’t be afraid of the past… err icloud?

Six

Nice interview.

Gaius Balter

People who don’t trust us computer experts are idiots.

Six

Of course. Now about getting me access to your colonies defense systems?

Gaius Balter

Not a problem.

Lee Adama lands on the Galataca with a professional level of bad attitude.

Chief Tyrol

Wow you you can’t even disguise your hate for your father from complete strangers? I bet you’ve put it aside when it’s helped your career though.

Captain Apollo

Shut up chief.

Chief Tyrol

* Sigh*I could do with a friendly officer tight now. Oh high boomer.

Later in the flight room

CAG

Apollo you have the honour of flying the Viper Mark 2 which your father flew 40 years ago.

Captain Apollo

And that’s an honour? It’s a piece of junk.

CAG

It will raise a huge amount of nostalgia with the fans. It will also inexplicably outfight even the newest CYLON raiders. She might not look like much but she’s got it where it counts kid.

*****

Captain Apollo

You're locked up again, will you ever respect authority?

Starbuck

How much respect do you have for our commanding officer?

Captain Apollo

Well…

Starbuck

Forget it. Lets just start the "will they won’t they" sexual tension.

Captain Apollo

Sorry Starbuck you’re a nice guy but I’m not gay.

Starbuck

I’m a woman!

Captain Apollo

Oh… yes of course you are! It’s just that your haircut was a lot more feminine before.

*****

Commander Adama

Why do you hate me so much Lee.

Captain Apollo

Because of you, my brother Zak died!

Commander Adama

But you hated me before that for some reason?

Captain Apollo

Oh yeah… I’m sure I’ will explain that one day…

*****

Lietenant Gaeta

The Cylons are attacking. Set condition 1. All hands to battle stations!

Crewman 1

But my station was removed last Tuesday.

Crewman 2

I have a battle station without any ammunition.

Commander Adama

Sigh. All I ask for is a tall ship and some big guns to frak up the Cylons with. Put me on the loud speakers.

Lieutenant Gaeta

You’re on Sir.

Commander Adama

The Cylons are attacking our colonies. How? Why? It doesn’t really matter now.

Lieutenant Gaeta

Doesn’t matter? The entire human race is at stake and you don’t want to know how they’re getting through our defences?

Commander Adama

Never question my command abilities!

Dee

Sir I’ve just had news of equipment malfunctions across the fleet. Battlestar’s have been deactivated like someone had just thrown a switch.

Lieutenant Gaeta

Quite! You heard the Commander.

Meanwhile not so very far away in space

CAG

We’re going in. Caprica! Frak yeah! Gak!

Helo

Get us out of here.

Boomer

Thanks for the reminder. I sometimes forget that they’ll want me dead.

*****

Laura Roslin

Time to handle this crisis in a calm and logical manner.

Reporter

I don’t think you can handle this in a calm and logical manner.

Laura Roslin

But I just said I would.

Reporter

Oh yeah you did. Never mind, ignore my poor attempt to start a panic.

*****

Boomer

We will have a lottery to decide the last few seats in the Raptor. It’s the fairest way.

Helo

But some of these people are old enough to be our grand parents. Isn’t it more logical to save the young and fit?

                                       

Boomer

Don’t worry I’m sure an old person wouldn’t take a seat at the expense of one of these kids parents.

Meanwhile the Galataca comes under attack.

Commander Adama

Launch Vipers.

Starbuck’s Viper

Fizz!

Cally

We put our best pilot in the worst Viper?

Chief Tyrol

Just fix it and hope this isn’t a big problem.

A couple of minutes later.

Cylon Nuke

Boom!

Colonel Tigh

Oh great this is really interfering with my drinking time.

*****

Reporter

Captain there’s a problem…

Captain Apollo

Ask me what I’m looking at and why!

Reporter

Ok… what are you looking at and why?

Captain Apollo

Electric pulse generators from the Galataca. To avoide a deux ex machina later.

Reporter

I’m glad I asked.

*****

Laura Roslin

Here transmit this message.

Colonial Pilot

Ok... Hey wait this is a resignation letter!

Newly made President Roslin

Fine send this one instead.

A little later she gets a message back.

President Roslin

This is going to be a tough presidency…

Back on the Battlestar Galataca.

Colonel Tigh

Most of the fleet is destroyed. We have no one in command.

Commander Adama

Yeah we do… Hey where’s my chair?

Colonel Tigh

You’ve never had a chair.

Commander Adama

What are we afraid the Cylons can hack our chairs? I’m getting to old to go without a chair.

Colonel Tigh

But…

Commander Adama

Just take us to Ragnar station. Maybe they’ll have some chairs…and hopefully some ammunition.

A few weird jump shots later…

Commander Adama

I get the feeling we’ll be doing lots of jumps in the future.

Lieutenant Gaeta

Don’t worry Sir we won’t see those weird perspective shots again.

Colonel Tigh

That was the jump drive? I just assumed I was suffering from alcohol withdraw.

Enter Ragnar Station

Commander Adama

What do you think you are you doing here?

Arms dealer Cylon

Getting these weapons so that I can sell them.

Commander Adama

You can’t do that. It’s theft of military property.

Arms dealer Cylon

Then why isn’t the base guarded?

Commander Adama

We have certain security measures such as like faulty equipment carriers… Look out!

Equipment carrier

Boom!

Commander Adama

I really should warn my crew about those.

*****

President Rosilin

Boomer I think you have saved humanity by collecting us altogether like this,

Boomer

Yay… why don’t I feel happier about that?

Billy

Captain Apollo says we should transfer everyone off of the non jump capable ships.

President Roslin

Obviously! Why didn’t we think of that before?

A Cylon scout appears

Billy

Oh boy.

Captain Apollo

Madame President you can either jump the ships or stay here and get blown to pieces. But you have to make a decision and you have to make that decision now!

President Rosilin

Do it! Sigh it’s hard to believe not even 24 hours has passed since the attack started. I really need a nap.

*****

Petty Officer Dualla

We showing incoming colonial ships.

Colonel Tigh

Confirm there ID!

Petty Officer Dualla

The Cylons have penetrated our most advanced computer systems. Surely they can fake our ID’s.

Colonel Tigh

Ok then blow them up!

Petty Officer Dualla

Err, there must be some kind of middle ground here?

*****

President Roslin

We need aid.

Colonel Tigh

I knew we should have blown you up?

President Roslin

What?

Colonel Tigh

Err nothing. Look you may be my new Commander and chief, but since my opportunities of career advancement disappeared with the rest of the fleet I can still be rude to you.

*****

Commander Adama

The Cylons look just like us now.

Colonel Tigh

Oh no they could be anyone… As long as they haven’t restricted themselves to just a few designs.

Commander Adama

Why would they do that?

Dr Baltar

Phew it’s a relief that you’ve figured it out for yourselves… I’ll work on a detector right away.

In the Galataca Hanger Bay

Starbuck

Zach failed basic training. I passed him because we were in love.

Captain Apollo

Whoa, this changes everything.

Starbuck
Will you hate me like you hated your father?

Captain Apollo
No you're too pretty.

*****

Dr Baltar

Done it! I’ve detected my first Cylon.

Colonel Tigh

That was quick. Maybe the human looking Cylons won’t be such a threat after all.

Dr Baltar

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We need to leave room for some tension and last minute surprises. Also there’s some new and suspicious equipment in CIC.

Colonel Tigh

What does it do?

Dr Baltar

Surprisingly nothing as you survived the last Cylon attack.

*****

President Rosiin

The war is over, we have to run.

Commander Adama

I’m a soldier, my duty is to fight.

President Roslin

The only chance the human race has is if we get out of here and start having babies.

Commander Adama

Ooh that does sound exciting.

President Roslin

I didn’t mean me and yo….

Commander Adama

(Walking off) I’ll give it my consideration.

Back in CIC

Lieutenant Gaeta

.They have us surrounded but don’t appear to be approaching us.

Colonel Tigh

Why should they come to us? They can wait us out; we’re the ones who need food, air, fuel...

Captain Apollo

I’m pretty sure the Cylons need fuel too… unless you mean that alcohol is a type of fuel.

Colonel Tigh

Shut up!

Commander Adama

We’ll go where no man has gone before to avoid the Cylons. Mr Gaeta send these jump coordinates to the fleet.

Lieutenant Gaeta

Why are you handing me the coordinates? I’m the one who worked them out.

Commander Adama

Oh yes of course. Carry on.

The battle commences with many dazzling manoeuvres.

Lieutenant Gaeta

We’ve got missiles impacting.

Commander Adama

Colonel Tigh. Take care of the damage control teams again.

Colonel Tigh

But we’re withstanding the blasts this time.

Commander Adama

We are?

Colonel Tigh

Yes it appears that the Cylons have a smaller nuclear arsenal than the USA.

Commander Adama

Well we’ll just have to settle with all our dangerous glass partitions breaking.

Lieutenant Gaeta

The civilian ships have jumped. But Starbuck and Apollo are still out there.

Colonel Tigh

We have to leave.

Commander Adama

We may have abandoned billions of people but we’re not leaving those two. They’ve had too much character development.

On the Comm

Commander Adama

Starbuck, what do you hear?

Starbuck

I’m a little busy here commander.

Commander Adama

*Sigh* Ok just rescue Apollo in some kind of spectacular fashion then.

The Galataca escapes and makes time for a mass funeral service.

Commander Adama

Wow this is a depressing start to the series; I’d better give a rousing speech.

“We are going to earth”

Crowd

Yeah, woohoo, yeah!

Commander Adama

Steady on there with the cheering. This is still a funeral.

Colonel Tigh

Do you think the Cylons can follow us?

Commander Adama

Well it’s been 32 minutes since we last saw them, I’m sure we still have a lot more time before we see them again.


Fin

The Avengers: First Draft Parody Script

This is the first parody I've written of a movie which I sawcompletely in French. I don't think too much was lost in translation.My language skills are improving...I didn't realise it was a romantic comedy/road trip movie though. It's a shame they didn't suceed in their quest to find the Holy Grail but at least they learn't a valuable lesson about not taking drugs.

Opens with a voice over from a deeply toned metallic alien. I get a horrible flashback of the Transformers 2 movie.

Cut to Nick Fury at a remote research lab.

Nick Fury

See how I get a low camera angle introduction? That’s because I’m such a cool and powerful character?

Audience

Really? Why? What do you actually do?

Nick Fury

Well I try to look cool… I actually shoot some enemies later… Oh! I also survive jumping out of a crashing helicopter.

Audience

Wait a minute, you have super hero powers too?

Nick fury

Errr well no. This movie just isn’t really clear on what people can and can not survive.

Audience

That really damages the tension.

Nick Fury

Nick Fury does not apologise!

Loki

You should. This is a ridiculously easy place to escape from. I’ve seen more security guards at a Black Sabbath gig.

Nick Fury

Well I believe in quality not quantity.

Loki

Well I’m going to steal the quality. Come here Hawkeye and Dr Selvig. I’m just as crazy as your last boss.

Cut to numerous scenes of our heroes being recruited to the Avengers team. Haven’t we already seen this recruiting being pointlessly shoe horned into the last 5 or 6 movies?

Captain America

I’m sad, why should I come?

Nick Fury

Because you are the only selfless super hero.

Captain America

Oh yeah how could I forget.

Dr Bruce Banner

Why on earth do you want me? Aren’t I too unstable?

Black Widow

We need you to provide some muscle.

Dr Bruce Banner

But that sums up most of your team. Couldn’t we have more varied powers like the X Men?

Black Widow

We have Iron man… his missiles are kind of special.

Iron Man

You want me? Am I really a team player?

Nick Fury

Well at least you know how to fly.

Captain America

Hey don’t kick a man when he’s down.

They head to Germany where…THE MIGHTY INTERDIMENSIONAL FIGHTER AND TRICKSTER LOKI… gets taken down by Iron Man pointing a few 21^st century weapons at him… oh…

Captain America

Hmmm that was easy. Do you think it could be another one of his tricks?

Iron Man

No I am just that amazing.

Thor

Not as amazing as me.

Iron Man

Get off of my plane! Oh no, I didn’t just say that.

Captain America

But it worked, he took Loki.

Iron Man

Well as the only other member of the team that can fly I’d better go after him. Just wait here being all patriotic and stuff.

Captain America

Hey don’t leave me out. Just wait whilst I get a parachute.

Aircraft Pilot

But they could be miles away by now. What are you going to do run to them?

Captain America

Of course! I’m a super hero in the same league as them. I can do it.

Aircraft Pilot

Sure…

Iron Man

Your magic/technology that took millennia to develop is no match for my Iron Man suit.

Thor

Yes it is! But maybe I could team up with you and you can be the canon fodder.

They take Loki aboard the Helicarrier, an impractical and vulnerable looking ship.

Loki

HAHAHA! Do you really believe this prison can hold me?

Nick Fury

Of course! You may be able to escape the void of interdimensional space but…

Loki’s minions attack the heli carrier.

Nick Fury

…

Helicarrier agent

I think it’s time to release the Fury.

Nick Fury

I’m kind of busy right now…You know I’m coordinating… and well doing paper work for…

Helicarrier agent

I meant the fury of the Hulk.

Nick Fury

Could be dangerous in such a confined space, but it’s what the audience wants to see.

Thor

Brother you tricked me again.

Loki

That’s right and I am going to send you plummeting towards the earth in your Hulk cage. Don’t worry despite the fearful expression you’ll have, it won’t kill you. Even if you do hit the ground whilst still in it.

Loki escapes whilst Hawkeye uses a usb arrow to disable the Helicarrier engines… well one of it’s engines, which is even stranger.

Black Widow

This isn’t who you are. Turn away from the dark side.

Hawkeye

As your the only superhero I know with the work black in their title I’m getting a little confused. Just knock me out, that is normally the simplest option.

Nick Fury

Loki killed agent Coulson.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

And?

Nick Fury

He’s had 10 lines of dialogue in the movies. Surely you care?

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

Not really.

Nick Fury

Well if you all go and fight him together just think how awesome the action scene could be.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

We’re in.

Loki activates a portal to bring in the Chitauri army.

Audience

Chitauri? That’s seriously their name? It’s not hard to imagine what people will nick name them.

The Avenger team arrives and Iron Man proves to be the most useful member in the fight.

Captain America

It’s a shame you haven’t produced more copies of your suit for others. Loki would really be in trouble if we showed up with 50 of you.

Hulk

You could have at least of given War Machine a quick call. You spend most of this movie on the phone anyway.

Joss Whedon has lots of cool action scenes but for some reason he keeps cutting back to Hawkeye shooting arrows? Ok he has a fantastic aim… good for him.

Iron Man

Hey Hawkeye? Have you ran out of arrows yet?

Hawkeye

You’d think so wouldn’t you, but is anyone really counting? And what about you then? Run out of missiles yet?

Iron Man

Yes.

Hawkeye

Oh.

Due to the usual communication break down the armed forces launch a nuclear missile.

Iron Man

I’ll handle this. Everyone knows that a nuclear missle doesn’t detonate until impact.

Thor

Really? I’m sure it can detonate just upon reaching set coordinates.

Iron Man

Would you prefer to fly into space and destroy the Chitauri base yourself?

Thor

Carry on.

Nick Fury

Thanks to all of you for saving the world.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

We’ll have to do this again sometime. Everything we do together is awesome.

Audience

Is it worth staying for the post credit scenes then?

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

No!

Fin