Doctor Who: An Unearthly Child: First Draft Parody Script

It's always more difficult to parody something I like but I wanted to have an affectionate look at the Dr Who series. This is a piece of television and sci fi history and I recommend watching classic Who if you haven't before.

Opens with a policeman walking through the London streets as he wanders where this great new theme tune is coming from.

Policeman Actor    

Ooh I’m getting a mysterious intro this show could make me big.

Tardis

Actually this is my mysterious into.

Policeman Actor

Oh. Well I’ll still remember this moment with fondness.

Cut to Susan’s school.

Barbara

I’m worried about Susan she appears intelligent.

Ian

She might still meet a man who loves her despite that.

Barbara

I don’t mean that I’m worried about her home conditions. She live in a junk yard.

Ian

We could try social services?

Barbara

In the 60s? They’re not what they will be. I think we should stalk her.

Ian

Ok nothing morally wrong with that I guess… We could talk to her?

Barbara

Oh but I want to do some stalking.

Ian

Well if we notice one more strange thing about her…

Barbara

She’s listening to some stange new age music.

Ian

That will do.

 

Cut to the junkyard which is still being patrolled by a police man. Street policing isn’t what it used to be.

Doctor

Move along nothing to see here.

Barbara

Ok Officer… wait a minute you’re not a policeman.

Ian

You’ve got Susan locked up in a police box.

Barbara

How ironic.

Susan

What’s going on?

Ian

What? It’s bigger on the inside.

Doctor

Oh please say something original.

Susan

But grand father no one has ever said that before.

Doctor

My Dear child, you’re not thinking fourth dimensionally.

Barbara

What is this?

Susan

I name it Tardis. Remember I get the credit for that name Tardis. Tardis. Tardis.

Ian

Lets get out of here, this can’t be possible. Wait this impossible door has us locked in.

Doctor

Hahahaha

Barbara

Wow that’s a really sinister laugh. You can’t be the shows hero surely?

Doctor

Well I’m going to keep you prisoner but it’s for the good of your world. Bad things could happen with the very idea of a Tardis.

Ian

Haven’t you read any of our science fiction? We have lots of crazy ideas that doesn’t mean we’ll invent.

Doctor

Enough! I need some adventure not constant debate. I’m taking you to a far away place, in time and space.

Ian

But you’ll be able to bring us back here?

Doctor

Ha! I’m not even sure where here is. I’m rather new at this. Now where’s the indicators?

Fin

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

The Truman Show: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with Truman wandering around a world where all the information he receives is controlled by one man.

Movie Audience

That would be awful.

Rupert Murdoch

Yes... awful.

Suddenly a light falls out of the sky.

Truman

Whoa suspicious, if that is the trend for the week my life could really get turned upside down.

The cameras follows Truman, with there positions depicting them as part of the set.

Movie Audience

I bet this was tricky to work out. It's great that the film makers are trying something different.

We are shown a shot that couldn't possibly be made on the set.

Movie Audience

Never mind.

We see how boring all of the other characters are. Poor Truman goes home and takes from its hiding place a mock up picture of his true love.

Meryl

You'd think me finding that and getting angry would be more effective than letting him constantly day dream about Sylvia.

We go into a flashback with Carey sporting his Dumb and Dumber look, Marlon looks older than he does in the present. He doesn't moisturise even though he’s an actor?

Marlon

Marlon and Meryl is this show sponsored by M & Ms?

Truman

Shh I'm trying to learn all these interesting facts about the world outside of Sea Haven.

Meryl

We're desperately trying to keep you in this town and they're putting a load of exciting travel trivia in the books? I need a drink.

Sylvia

Hi there out of the thousands of people you've met, I'm the only one who wants to tell you the truth.

Truman

That sounds good. Wait wasn't I eyeing you up at the dance?

Sylvia

Yeah but they decided to risk further contact with me rather than break my contract. As for the truth... the truth... well the truth is out there Truman. Lets just kiss until they can drag me away.

Truman

But it's only one old man, can’t you tell me anything useful before you go?

Sylvia

No, despite my conscience I'm bound by the laws of drama.

Truman gets more and more suspicious and tries to escape by car. Christoph thinks simulating a nuclear disaster is the easiest way to stop him. We wonder why he doesn't use this set space and budget for some fake locations?

Nuclear Technician

Turn around Truman.

Christoph

Idiot. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Nuclear Technician

No! Not now that I'm so near the end.

*****

Meryl

I'm going to try and win back your trust by threatening you with these knives. Costing just $3.99 in all good stores.

Truman

Why are you talking like that?

Meryl

It's this Newspeak, it takes a bit of getting used to.

Truman

O...K

Meryl

That word is no longer valid, 'I see' or 'right', are acceptable alternatives.

Truman

That is it I'm going to threaten you right back.

Meryl

Monster!

*****

Marlon

Truman the last thing I would do is lie to you. Unless everyone else is lying which would mean I am. But don't consider that too much.

Truman

Thanks for clearing that up for me, associating yourself with the 100's of people I don't trust wasn't the smartest move.

Marlon

What do you expect I've been educated by TV.

Truman's Dad

Hello son.

Truman

What? Where have you been all these years?

Truman's Dad

It was all a dream.

Christoph

This is television gold, now fade up the live music.

Musician

I have to do all this music live? But the theme is the same throughout.

Christoph

You're a total light weight, you're fired!

Musician

Thank you for the opportunity, (under his breath) git!

News reels show us the history of the show.

Movie Audience

A baby adopted by a television show? No country that cares about human rights would allow this.

Director Peter Weir

This is set in America which hasn't signed the human rights bill.

Movie Audience

Oh yeah.

News Reader

Along with the great wall of China the set is the only man made object visible from space.

Movie Audience

Most things are visible from space with the right equipment.

News Reader

Don't nitpick, I mean with the naked eye.

Movie Audience

That's a myth.

News Reader

Shut up! I prefer the Truman audience.

Truman Audience

Wow Truman's sleeping we love watching that.

Movie Audience

No viewers could ever be that sad.

*****

Christoph

Our next milestone is an on-screen conception.

Movie Audience

Not very family friendly.

Christoph

Followed by an onscreen birth.

Movie Audience

You've done that already with Truman.

Christoph

Give me a break, I'm just repackaging old ideas as cutting edge. It's what we do.

Truman escapes his house unseen and the entire town turns out to find him. After all being hunted by a mob is bound to make him want to stay.

Christoph

I'm going to kill you Truman. I'm sure the nation won't demand the death penalty for your murder.

Network Boss

You're crazy! How have you held your position so long?

Christoph

You've never toured Fox studios have you?

Truman makes it to the edge of the set and the audience realise that they now respect Jim Carey as an actor.

Christoph

Please please stay.

Truman

I have discovered the truth, destroying the entire point of your show.

Christoph

Perhaps, but every minute you stay makes me more money.

Truman

Hmm money, I wonder what magazine deals I will get? Goodbye.

Truman Audience

Lets see what else is on.

Movie Audience

Yes lets see what else is on.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen - First Draft Parody Script

The good old days. Simpler effects. Better scripts.

Opens with a scene of prehistoric earth as this is a current Hollywood trend.

Cavemen

Ooh shiny black things. Are you here to teach us?

Monolith Transformer

No we're here to dumb down the human race.

Cut to Shanghai where everyone is walking around wearing face masks, so nothing unusual there. A team  of Autobots and humans come to hunt down the Decepticons. They fight, constantly transforming for no other reason than to show off the CGI. Somehow they think they can do all this in secret.

Female Transformers

We're only here to try and sell to girls, we're  completely useless in this movie.

Director Michael Bay

Doesn't mean that I don't respect women, now enough of the interesting Transformer stuff. where's my human eye candy.

Mikaela

Hey just because I spend most of my scenes posing like a fashion model, doesn't mean I'm not a serious character.

Sam

Hi darling, just calling to annoy you.

Mikaela

I like you. I would say love, but we need a bit of drama later.

Sam

That's all I have to look forward to? I want some character development, where's the script.

Director Michael Bay

Script? Just throw in some bad lines from other movies you remember. As for character development try going to college or something.

Mikaela

Great our character stories are going to be really interesting aren't they.  I thought there were 3 writers on this film.

Part of the All Spark decides  to reactivate itself after two years of doing nothing. Turning dozens of small electrical appliances into Transformers, helpfully not transforming the cooker or tumble dryer which would be more deadly. Bumblebee saves them.

Sam

Goodbye Bumblebee, don't worry I no longer need your protection.

Bumblebee

But I just saved your life.

Sam's Dad

That is why he needs a $40,000 a year education.

Sam heads to College where his mum would prefer he slept around, rather than stay devoted to his girlfriend.

Roommate

Mind if I'm your annoyingly unnecessary buddy for the movie?

Sam

I don't seem to have a choice, when it comes to characters Michael Bay goes for quantity not quality.

The Decepticons go to rescue Megatron, they do this with surprising ease considering it took  them two years to get around to it.

Megatron

What is your bidding Fallen?

Fallen

Do not insult me Darth.

Megatron

But that is your name my master.

Fallen

Oh yes of course, I'm not sure it's a very inspiring name for a leader, maybe I should change it to Sidious.

*****

Optimus Prime

Sam we need your help.

Sam

Why on earth do you need my help?

Optimus Prime

Well technically you should be asking why in the Galaxy? It's not just an earth problem, the Decepticons are coming back to earth they want to harness the power of the sun. Can you believe this is just the short version of such a simple plot?  *Sigh*

Sam

Well the film is interspersed with lots of loud noises to stop people going to sleep... wait a minute why don't they use one of the other stars in the Galaxy? Stars aren't in short supply.

Optimus Prime

You really shouldn't ask so many questions, I've stopped caring. Hi Megatron please kill me now.

Optimus dies, Sam is in such grief that he joins two annoying Transformers who both think they're rappers.

Mudflap

Yo.

Skids

Yo.

Sam

He he.

Skids

Are you laughing at my ridiculous name.

Sam

No, I just remembered a fart joke.

Mikaela

You two are really going to damage Chevrolet sales.

Sam

No one really cares about our interactions we need some plot development.

OAP Transformer

Welcome to the museum, please do not touch anything.

Sam

We need your help to defeat the Decepticons and sell another Transformer figure.

OAP Transformer

What is that you say son? I need to emphasise again that I'm OLD.

Mikaela

But you can still transform into a powerful jet.

OAP Transformer

My memory isn't what it was was so I can avoid logical questions. You should try forgetting logic as well. Now let me rattle on with some exposition, although reading the synopsis of the first film would probably do the job.

Film Critics

This plot is ridiculously flimsy.

Director Michael

Well it is basically one long toy commercial.

Film Critics

So were the the Star Wars prequels... maybe this film isn't so bad.

Everyone comes to fight in the desert, with a set that looks very similar to the one in the first film. Still they do have the pyramids almost making the fight feel important.

Megatron

We must stop Sam getting to Optimus. I should get there first as I can fly to the moons of Saturn in just a few minutes.

Agent Simmons

I must climb to the top of this huge pyramid before ordering an aerial assault.

Audience

Wouldn't that be safer from a distance?

Agent Simmons

Michael Bay is afraid that the film isn't long enough. I think that's why all the scenes of Mikaela running are done in slow motion.

Sam

No I'll get there first despite dragging Mikaela along for no reason than to put her in jeopardy. I can even fit a boringly flat scene with my Dad which tries to be emotional.

OAP Transformer

As a Prime you're the only one who can defeat the Fallen.

Optimus Prime

But I'll be using your weapons to do it.

OAP Transformer

Don't interrupt your elders.

After seemingly hours of pointless running around the final climatic fight lasts just 2 minutes.

Sam

Optimus can you end the film by saying something profound?

Optimus Prime

No.

Sam

Sigh. Oh well I'm sure we'll still have a sequel.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Terminator Salvation: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a boring scene in a research lab. This is unnecessarily long in an attempt to make us care about Marcus.

Christian Bale

I'm Batman... I mean, I'm John Connor.

Commander

Would you please stop monologuing and do your job?

John Connor

Yes of course. I'll try to rescue those people by chasing a fast jet plane in a slow moving helicopter...alone. What could go wrong?

He crashes then gets thrown around by a T600.

John Connor

Can't you just rip my heart out like Schwarzenegger did in the first movie?

T600

That's coming with the next software upgrade. Skynet  2019.

Cut to resistance command, cleverly hidden in a self sustaining submarine.

Colonel America

Down here we will be safe from Skynet's satellite surveillance.

Colonel Britain

What about all of our helicopter's air planes?

Colonel America

No one's seemed to think of that.....

Officer

Dont' worry I've got a distraction here. John Connor wants to come aboard, he just jumped into the ocean.

Colonel America

Idiot! Try and find him in this raging ocean.

*****

John Connor

Hail me.

Colonel America

I'm the resistance leader, don't get confident just because you're better than me.

John Connor

I had to come here because every time I call you hang up.I do have feelings you know? Also for someone hidden under the ocean I thought you would appreciate the intelligence.

Colonel America

Are you calling me stupid.

John Connor

I... Look just give me your super top secret plans because I never put myself in a position where I could get caught.

Marcus wanders around a devastated LA. He doesn't remember what's happened but he is very calm about it all.

Marcus

Hmm that's a very dangerous looking Robot, but then if I talk to it I may find out it's a vending machine.

He gets rescued by Kyle Reese who destroys the T600 in a ridiculous manner more suited for the A Team.

Marcus

Why didn't you use your gun?

Kyle Reese

That's the Terminator's style not mine.

Marcus

That's stupid! But I'll stay with you anyway due to a timely attack.

Kyle Reese

We stay down by day... actually we move around by day and get a good night's sleep. It's a shame because the future fighting looked far cooler in the first 2 films. Still we can't go pleasing the fans by sticking to a few simple rules.

They escape LA, with Reese learning how to drive incredibly well in just 10 seconds. Then they're attacked by a giant transformer which believes grabbing people with huge unwieldy arms to be more efficient than just gassing them.

Marcus

I'm alive? I'm alive! I knew those diving lessons would come in handy. Now to cut down this resistance  pilot in a way that would likely break her legs.

They go to Connor's base which is protected by anti Terminator mines. One attaches to  Marcus's leg, dazing him rather than blowing him to pieces.

John Connor

The question is who bought cheap mines?

Kate

No the question is, what's with the Terminator/human hybrid?

John Connor

And why is it more advanced than the other Terminators?

Marcus

And why are you going to trust me to infiltrate Skynet?

John Connor

I'm human and go with my heart. Just as people did when they trusted machines with all our military defences... Well, safe journey.

John Connor wanders into Skynet central ALONE!

John Connor

Why am I doing this alone? Especially as my soldiers will fly in later without any trouble.

Director MCG

This is more exciting and tense.

John Connor

What about having Terminators that can actually terminate someone​?

Director MCG

Just get on with it.

*****

Skynet

Good morning Marcus. I'm going to explain our plans as any intelligent villain would do.

Marcu

This is getting far too much like ' I Robot ' I'm going to save Connor.

Skynet

You can't I sent Schwarzenegger to kill him. I could have sent the thousands of Terminators which are just loitering around the factory. But for a computer that killed billions of humans by nuking them, I am surprisingly sporting.

Marcus

You at least gave Schwarzenegger a gun right?

Skynet

Err no...

Marcus

Ha-ha.

Marcus runs off avoiding the thousands of guards, Connor clearly taught him a few things.

Skynet

I knew I should have just kept him talking with the whole prequel or sequel debate.

Despite having a miniature canon on him John shoots the Schwarzenegger with a gun he knows will do no harm. Schwarzenegger just plays with him as well.

John Connor

You're not going to rip my  heart out either?

Schwarzenegger

Skynet 2019!

John Connor

Right... Shame this script doesn't explain why a Terminator in America has an Austrian accent. Ow! Stop throwing me around it's getting really repetitive and boring.

Director MCG

Hmm that CGI face is getting expensive.

John Connor

I'll handle that.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hey you're stripping my ability to relate with humans.

John Connor

You never had it.

The battle goes on but the T800 still doesn't kill him. Yet he manages to disable semi Terminator Marcus in less than a minute.

John Connor

I will now kill you in the same way that you died in Terminator 2.

This doesn't work for some reason but puts the Terminator on pause for a minute.

T800

Where are all of the other Terminators when you need them?

John Connor

Where are the rest of the resistance when you need them.

Marcus finally kills the T800 and gets Connor out of Skynet.

Marcus

That was easy.

John Connor

If a little drawn out.

Mute girl hands Connor the detonator to set off a nuclear explosion which he uses despite being just a couple of hundred feet from the blast. They survive?

Marcus

You can have my heart.

Kate

Wont that raise a big ethical dilema?

Marcus

No I don't think the audience can sit through any more of this movie I'll just brush it off with two lines of dialouge.

John Connor is saved and ready for transport just minutes after a heart transplant.

John Connor

I better mention that Skynet hasn't been completely destroyed. There is no sequel but what someone else makes loads of money out of for themselves.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Terminator Two Judgement Day: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a cool future war sequence.

Audience

Wait a minute what's with the music? We want the Terminator theme.

Composer Brad Fidel

Err well I'll try to fit it in at the end of the film.

The two Terminators arrive through time.

T1000

Despite the ominous music I am going to act like a potential hero. I'm sure this will keep the audience guessing.

T101

I'm not going to kill anyone in this bar. I'm also going to put these sunglasses on in the middle of the night to look cool. Of course I'm still a logical, ruthless and deadly cyborg like in the first movie.

John Connor

I have an annoying voice and will be in most of the movies scenes.

Audience

We didn't come to a Terminator movie to watch a squeaky kid.

Director James Cameron

I challenged myself to make him a plausible future leader by the end of the film. You'll like him more than Nick Stahl.

Audience

That's for sure.

*****

Dr Silberman

So Sarah do you still believe Terminator's are real?

Sarah Connor

Yes... I mean no.

Dr Silberman

I see. What about your dreams of the scrolls, the lamp stands, the lion and the lamb.

Sarah Connor

It is a little confusing but it's going to happen. It will happen!

John plays fighting games in an arcade which he apparently needs $300 to do.

John's friend

Don't you ever wish something exciting would happen?

John Connor

Please don't say that.

The T1000 shows up and tries to kill John but he escapes on his bike.

T1000

If I had as many guns as the first Terminator did this would be over by now.

John Connor

Yeah what is with that? It's not exactly hard to get guns in America.

The Terminator saves John on the bike he stole that apparently has suspension from the future.

T101

For a kid that was shot at, almost crushed by a truck, and rescued by a cyborg with a poor grasp of the English language, you are taking this very well.

John Connor

Yeah well , life was more exciting with my real mum. I want to blow stuff up again. Let's go and rescue her.

T101

OK.

John Connor

OK?

T101

I am programmed to protect and obey you.

John Connor

How did I manage to reprogramme you​?

T101

That's not important John. What is important is that I will do whatever you say.

John Connor

I'll find this extremely cool and corrupting for one minute. That will be enough time for me to learn not to abuse power and you can learn that killing people is wrong.

T101

But I haven't killed anyone any way.

John Connor

...Let's just go.

They get into the high security hospital by passing just one security guard?

Sarah Connor

Why do I end up with all the guards?

Director James Cameron

I just wanted to show that you're no longer so sweet and defenceless, sweet pie.

They escape with the T1000 chasing them. Anyone who has seen the Simpson parody of this can't help but smile.

Sarah Connor

That was pretty easy, you couldn't blow off parts of the old Terminator with one shot.

Sarah takes them to get guns, lots of guns.

John Connor

I guess it's hard to show emotion as a cyborg?

Arnold Schwarzenegger

No, I just struggle to act.

Sarah goes to kill Mile's Dyson the longest lasting black person in a sci fi film up until now.

Mile's Dyson

If I live a little longer I could be useful.

Sarah Connor

OK, you can have a redeeming death instead.

Mile's Dyson

I can be the salvation.

Sarah Connor

No that will be later.

They get into Cyberdyne  by passing just one security guard.

Sarah Connor

Are you sure this place has all the information on Skynet? They're not going to make a come back in 10 years?

Mile's Dyson

Actually now you mention it the military does ah!

Mile's Dyson dies blowing up Cyberdyne. The T1000 turns up late... again.

T1000

I think I need a processor upgrade. Still better late than never, I'm going to get you now.

The T1000 chases them in the most dangerous vehicle he can find and ends up getting frozen in a comic pose.

T101

Hey T1000 cool it... I need a vacation.

Sarah Connor

The Terminator making jokes, that is so sad. Ow!

T1000

Even though I can imitate your voice perfectly as I will demonstrate in a minute, I want you to call to John.

The Terminator attacks the T1000 but gets beaten up with a metal pole.

T1000

Kyle Reese eat your heart out.

The Terminator comes back to life using his back up Duracell battery.

T101

The T1000 really should have known I could do that.

John Connor

I could have escaped but for the sake of tension I will stand 10 metres in front of you.

T1000

And I will still fail to kill you, I'm meant to be advanced what's wrong with me?

John Connor

Shame your arm can't transform into a flame thrower.

T1000

Don't be ridiculous.

The T1000 stands right next to one of only things in the world that can kill him. He gets knocked in and dies very very slowly.

Director James Cameron

Got to show you what our new effects can do. But I will never go over the top with CGI, honest.

Sarah Connor

I'm hap... I mean sad you're dying.

The Terminator dies making the thumb up sign. Good job the movie ends when it does.

Director James Cameron

Now I've ended the film and franchise on a optimistic note.

Director Jonathan Mostow

Sorry dude I have other plans.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

The Terminator: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with an excitingly bleak future scene, but this will have to be explored in a much later film. The action happens tonight! Well tonight for anyone watching in1984, for everyone else it will soon look dated.

Arnold Schwarzenegger arrives into movie stardom, killing some random punks.

Terminator

Even though my muscular build is far bigger than any of you, your clothes will fit perfectly.

Bill Paxman

Why does this always happen to me?

Reese drops through time onto concrete.

Reese

Ow! Why do the Terminators always arrive gently? At least I've arrived right next to a clothes store, sweet.

Cop

Hey you!

Reese

Thanks now I have some guns as well.

The Terminator gets a mundane car but a whole load of guns.

Terminator

I want a gun with laser sighting.

Gun salesman

Why would you need that with your cyborg vision?

Terminator

It will look more threatening on camera.

We see  Sarah Connor leading a life she hates.

Sarah Connor

I want something exciting to happen.

Reese

No you don't.

Sarah Connor

Hey are you following me?

Reese

Great I can avoid the police and killer cyborgs, but can't follow this one innocent lady unnoticed.

The Terminator approaches Sarah as everyone dances in slow motion, very scary. The Terminator is frightening as well.

Director James Cameron

Notice the club name is Tech Noir, clever huh?

Audience

Just show us some action we'll analyse later.

A lot of gun fire ensues, fortunately all of the Terminator's shots miss Sarah Connor.

Reese

This car chase seems like an exciting place for some exposition. I am from a future devastated by nuclear war. No one is sick or mutated by the radiation though, so we can fight off all the mean machines.

Sarah Connor

O...K.

Reese

I'm here to protect you.

Sarah Connor

How sweet, maybe this film can be marketed towards women as well.

Reese

No the studio believe this is only a minor action film. They can't be bargained with, they can't be reasoned with. They do not feel pity, or remorse, or fear, and they absolutely will not stop, ever, until they have made a quick buck.

They get captured by the police after the invincible Terminator decides to do a runner.

Lieutenant Traxler

I'm a black man in a sci fi film, that Terminator is bound to kill me soon.

Sarah Connor

I feel for you but this is my story.

Lieutenant Traxler

Sorry.

Dr Silberman

I would like us to cover any potential plot holes please. Why no future guns?

Reese

Something about keeping the film grounded in the present, I don't know script stuff.

Dr Silberman

Why kill the other Sarah's?

Reese

Even the all powerful Sky net can't help making some screw ups with paper work.

Dr Silberman

Why not try to kill Sarah when she's a defenceless kid?

Reese

Well they had to conveniently send the Terminator back to the time of John Connor's conception.

Dr Silberman

I see. Well that's a pretty tight story, I still think you're a loon though.

Terminator

I have remembered how tough I am. Take me to Sarah Connor.

Cop

No.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

I'll be back. Ooh I like that.

The Terminator crashes through the glass doors conveniently placed at road level and starts shooting up the police station.

Lieutenant Traxler

I'm going to lock you in here, rather than get you out of the station safely. Don't worry though.

Sarah Connor

This is what I pay taxes for?

Sargent Vukovich

I wish one of us had the guns from the squad cars. At least those can knock the Terminator down for a minute.

Reese and Sarah escape and go to a motel which helpfully has a 24 hour guard dog.

Sarah Connor

I'm sorry mother I can't possibly give you my address. Not possible. No! But I will give you the hotel's number so that they can tell you.

Terminator

Sucker (hangs up).

Sarah Connor

Hmmm that conversation was suspiciously abrupt. Oh well if I don't give out clues the Terminator could take years to find us and this film isn't an epic.

Reese

I've got some ingredients to build bombs.

Sarah Connor

What about ingredients for a meal, don't you eat in the future?

Reese

Must concentrate on fighting.

Sarah Connor

Couldn't you find us some guns then?

Reese

Big guns are more the Terminator's style not mine.

Sarah Connor

Not wanting to state the obvious but you must have had a bad child hood. Little hope, low expectations.

Reese

I love you.

Sarah Connor

Good I don't have to find myself a boyfriend to father John.

Terminator

Sorry to interrupt domestic bliss but... hey where did you go?

Sarah Connor

If you tried running rather than just a menacing walk you might catch us.

Another chase ensues. The Terminator is knocked off his motor bike, run over by a tanker then has the tanker blow up with him inside.

Arnold Schwarzenegger / Terminator

If I could feel emotion I would be angry.

A now completely metal Terminator comes through the Tanker's flames.

Director James Cameron

Yes, a dream realised.

Sarah and Reese run into the Cyberdine factory, although that name is no where to be seen. There is a surprisingly strong yet quick to lock door though.

Reese

Good. That should buy us enough time for a quick nap.

Sarah Connor

Not now soldier.

Reese manages to blow up half the terminator but dies in the process.

Michael Biehn

Sigh, none of my character's have sequel potential.

Half the Terminator crawls after Sarah Connor.

Sarah Connor

If my leg wasn't injured this could be amusing. I would dance around you all day.

She crushes the Terminator in a hydraulic machine, helpfully activated a minute earlier.

Sarah Connor

Finally the Terminator's dead, Now it's time to drive into this very unsubtle metaphor.

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Star Trek XI: First Draft Parody Script

Opens on the USS Kelvin. We see a modern style of bridge  whilst getting sound effects from the original series.

Trek Fans

Original sound effects. That is a nice touch.

Fanatical Trekkies

But the technology looks too sophisticated compared to the original series will I even be able to sit through this?

Trek Fans

Shut up!

 *****

Nero

I want to show how evil I am by stabbing you. Please come aboard.

Captain Robau

Sure. Kirk's dad, take over and do something heroic. Also have a long talk with your wife try to make it emotional and significant.

Kirk's dad

I'll try.

He does so. As the auto pilot predictably fails, he rams the Romulan ship.

Nero

Why didn't you stop him from ramming us? Our first salvo alone almost destroyed them.

Romulan Gunner

Sorry Sir, my computer switched to space invaders and I didn't notice.

Nero

Well how long until the ship's repaired?

Romulan Engineer

I'd say about 25 years.

Nero

Daaaaaarn!

Kirk's mother

I must ensure my son never talks like that.

Audience

Exciting. Maybe Star Trek will make a come back.

A Nokia phone rings in the car of a young Kirk.

Audience

Then again...

Young Kirk

This ring tone is annoying, I'll stop it by driving  off the cliff.

Trek Fans

Reckless and stupid, hopefully his character will develop into just being reckless.

We see an older Kirk in a bar chatting up Uhura.

Uhura

My character's gone from someone who empowers black women, to a sex symbol.

Director JJ Abrams

Whoa, whoa lets not get political.

Kirk gets into a bar fight and his  style doesn't cause instant laughter amongst the audience.

Fanatical Trekkies

That's not Kirk.

Trek Fans

That's because you can't tell the difference between a character and an actor. See this http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/2011/07/difference-between-star-trek-fan-and.html

Captain Pike

Hello I'm here to pretend this is loloyalty to the original back story.

Kirk

Don't tell me the film is going to get all boring and cerebral.

Captain Pike

Goodness no.

He convinces Kirk to turn his life around and join star fleet in just  2 minutes of conversation.

Admiral somebody

Despite the way you won whilst munching an apple, we have only just worked out  that you cheated.

Jonathan Archer

Hey couldn't that Admiral be me?

Writers, cast, crew and audience

No!

 *****

Captain Pike

To continue this movies similarity with the Wrath of Khan, the Enterprise will be crewed by cadets.

Spock

Star fleet's really that short staffed?  Most illogical.

Captain Pike

We'll see how logical you are as the movie progresses.

Trek Fans

We're thinking the same about the story.

McCoy sneaks Kirk aboard and the writers get to make a dig at Shatner.

Dr McCoy

Hey Jim quick we've only got 20 seconds to take a look at this ship, not the traditional 20 minutes.

Kirk

Please fix my hands and tongue I can't stand these ridiculous hand gestures and.....badly...........................impaired.......linedelivery...............any...more.

Anyone who has ever seen Star Trek before

 He he he he!

 *****

Chekov

We're vedy Keptin.

Captain Pike

Look lad, Kirk did something about his voice. I'd appreciate you doing the same.

 *****

Kirk

I'm worried  about this whole sky diving through space thing.

Red shirt

Hi.

Kirk

OK that makes me feel better.

The red shirt bites it.

Trek Fans

Yeah this takes us back.

 *****

Sulu

Oh no, he had all the charges.

Kirk

What! Why would only one of us carry charges?

Sulu

We can destroy this with a couple of shots from these guns.

Kirk

Well at least that's better than you destroying it with your ridiculous sword.

Vulcan is destroyed anyway. It's actually the only significantly shocking event to happen in Star trek that won't be fixed by the end.

Kirk

Well trying to stop that drill was a waste of my time... I mean...

Spock

Get off of my ship.

Kirk gets marooned on a planet where he is likely to die, because the young Spock is kind of an ass.

.

Old Spock

What a beautiful stroke of luck, now you get to meet me.

Kirk

Look old man I've had a really really long day, I'd love to talk but...

Old Spock

He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall mind meld with him. I mean you.

Kirk

It wont give me a head ache will it?

Old Spock

It will make this exposition a lot more visually interesting.

 *****

Scotty

Despite clearly being a talented engineer, star fleet left me here.

Kirk

Can you get us back on board the Enterprise?

Scotty

No problem, I'll beam us onto a ship travelling at warp light years away.

Old Spock

But Picard's transporters...

Kirk

Don't ever mention that name again. Well at least not until we need another franchise boost.

They warp to catch up with Nero's ship which is apparently slower than the less advanced Enterprise.

Nero

I know your face, what you were going to become. Trust me I'm doing you a favour.

Kirk

Romulan bastard you killed my dad. By the way did my alternate self survive impossible situations because the villain talked too much?

Nero

Actually he did... Fine, and I could have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you pesky kids.

Spock destroys the drill from space.

Spock

I really wish I'd thought of this when we were at Vulcan.

Kirk, Spock and Pike beam out.

Sulu

Shall I take us to a safe distance and let that ship get destroyed by that black hole.

Kirk

No, they could go back in time again and give us a film version of Enterprise. No one wants that. Besides seeing the Enterprise firing all phasers looks cool.

They escape , no one in the audience was on the edge of their seat.  Kirk is made Captain of the Enterprise.

Kirk

Could you ever see the Navy promoting a cadet to a Captain after one mission.

Trek Fans

Who cares?

Kirk

True.

Trekkies

True.

Leonard Nimoy

And so the Enterprise crew warps off happy as can be, whilst I deliver the closing monologue, I feel..... old.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.