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Opens with a zoom in on an Enterprise window. After years of being off the Television the first thing the new Star Trek series shows us is a bald man.
Captain Picard
I'm still cool though.
Audience
Whoa that voice is cool.
Gene Roddenberry
Star Trek will never resort to needing a star studded young cast.
*****
Q
Ha ha mere mortals, fear me!
Captain Picard
Hi.
Q
Hi?
Captain Picard
All powerful aliens with delusions of god hood are already a Star Trek cliché. I guess you're going to judge us now?
Q
You will quake in your mini skirts! Wait a minute why are men wearing mini skirts?
Captain Picard
This is the 24th century.
Q
And this is meant to be an optimistic view of the future?
They go to trial after some expensive but surprisingly boring special effects.
Tasha Yar
Being a strong confident woman and the equal to any man I will now burst into tears.
Captain Picard
It's OK, I just surrendered.
Tasha Yar
That is pathetic.
*****
Q
To allow these two awkward story lines to loosely fit together I'm going to disappear for a while. I will be watching though, honest.
Cut to the edge of known space.
Will Riker
If being on the edge of known space is such a big deal, how can we get here weeks before the Enterprise?
Dr Crusher
I believe Picard wanted to avoid my son for as long as possible. I'm not even sure they'll stop here.
Captain Picard
Welcome aboard number one.
Riker
Which poor person gets called number two?
Captain Picard
The name suits her function.
Troi
Hello Will.
Riker
Great now I have to put up with unresolved emotions for seven years.
*****
Captain Picard
You've already turned down one captaincy, why would you do the same for the next seven years?
Riker
I'm actually a coward, but compensate with my arrogance.
Captain Picard
Great.
*****
Wesley
Hi I haven't annoyed anyone for 5.236 minutes.
Captain Picard
Hopefully you'll leave when your mother's contract ends in 12 months.
*****
Riker
You lost the saucer section?
Captain Picard
Yes. If O'Brien carries on like this he'll lose his officer commission.
Riker
Whoa so you're giving me the keys to the star drive. Dude that's totally sweet.
Captain Picard
Scratch it and your dead!
*****
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Dr McCoy
Now new Spock, remember to take care of your ship.
Dr Crusher
Why do you get to meet Bones? I want to meet Bones.
Data
I could go to sickbay and arrange an autopsy.
Dr Crusher
Sigh... You get to hang out with Spock. La forge gets to hang out with Scotty, Picard gets Kirk. Why don't I get the Doctor?
Dr McCoy
That would be far too logical for my liking.
*****
Worf
I can't believe this is just the first half, I feel dishonoured by the lack of excitement.
Audience
I'm sure the second half will be more interesting.
Worf
Ha!
*****
Captain Picard
Hello Zorn.
Zorn
Don't say that.
Captain Picard
What your name?
Zorn
It sounds like an insult.
Captain Picard
Are you trying to hide something?
Zorn
Just my middle name.
*****
Riker
You stimulate your simulated mind in a simulation? Fascinating.
Data
Please don't take my lines. The holodeck is indeed fascinating... well for a season or two at least.
Audience
We should be snoozing by now but this being Star Trek we're incredibly patient.
*****
Troi
I sense pain.
Captain Picard
Pain? That must mean a life form.
Data
(Whispers) Sir we still have 30 minutes of the episode left.
Captain Picard
Oh. Well then this is a puzzle, better keep investigating.
Worf
Sir, an alien ship has arrived and is attacking the planet. Let me at them, let me at them!
Captain Picard
OK ready phasers.
Audience
At last some excitement.
Q
We can't have that. This series is about long boring monologues, on the wonders of life and how peaceful humanity is whilst at the same time being the most military competent people in the Galaxy.
Captain Picard
Fine we'll go for a sickly sweet and unsatisfying ending. Send the city some energy so that it can turn back into a creature.
Worf
Phasers and photon torpedoes deliver a type of energy.
Captain Picard
No we want to send them the non harmful stuff, even if we know nothing about their biology. Just send some good vibes.
Worf
Sigh I'm not going to like this ship.
*****
Riker
Now that we're all finally introduced I hope we can finish with this messy, drawn out storytelling.
Captain Picard
I'm sure our future missions will be far more interesting.
Audience
We certainly hope so.
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