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Writer, director, creator and chief geek man Joss Whedon
Yeeeeeeha! I've made this into a film.
Opening in a research lab Simon rescues his sister River with the use of a magic wand.
People who haven't seen the series
Meh a semi exciting opening.
People who have seen the series
Is this a dream, I can't believe I'm seeing a firefly movie. Wait a minute in the series Simon didn't break River out himself. Oh I don't care I'm so happy.
Operative too mysterious for a name
Well I'm not happy with the conveniently placed cameras that captured the event. Why didn't the film crew stop them?
Research Doctor
Shouldn't you at least have a generic name like Smith or Brown. Must be very confusing for your bosses.
Operative too mysterious for a name
....I would like to introduce you to my sword.
Cut to Serenity flying around and falling apart.
Mal
What's with all the guns?
Jayne
I need to intimidate some people and my name is Jayne!
Mal
Good point.
They break into a vault and like all good robbers stare into the security cameras as they do it.
Zoe
(Puts her gun against the head of someone trying to resist) You know what the definition of a hero is? Someone who gets other people killed.
River
Hey I'm supposed to be the prophetic one!
Wash
Err what did you just say?
Reavers appear they're savage, self harming, subhuman, mindless monsters.... who would make great maths, science and engineering students. After all they are masters of space flight. The crew manage to escape in an impressive array of special effects.
Kaylee
Wizard.
People who haven't seen the series
Oooh this is getting interesting.
Simon
Despite another demonstration of how dangerous it is out here and despite the fact that your the only people I know I can trust, me and River are leaving.
Mal
You're an idiot.
Jayne
I'll help you pack.
They go to a bar, River sees a power ranger cartoon and suddenly discovers a skill for beating people up. A whole lot of people.
Mal
I'm not so sure about having River aboard.
River
I see dead people.
Simon
Umm she's fine, really. Beside you brought her back on board.
Mal
Oh well she stays then, can't go getting indecisive now can I.
Jayne
Sigh.
Mal goes to see Inara as an excuse to get into another dangerous situation.
Inara
Can't you try the easy way from time to time?
Mal
Just coming to see if you still have your 'skills'.
Inara
I do.
Operative too mysterious for a name
She does.
Incense/flash bomb
I'd say she does. Boom!
Mal
How did you set the exact time, so it got the operative and not us?
Inara
Woman's intuition.
They return to there hiding spot to find the alliance has destroyed it and left no one alive. Well almost no one.
Mal
Mysterious Book nooooo! I still haven't figured out the mystery, knew I should have read the last chapter first. Wait didn't we talk earlier.
Mysterious Book
Yeah but I'm not a big enough part of the film for a shortened script.
Mal
This is so sad. You've got to make it, you should be a bigger part of the film.
Mysterious Book
I know it's a tragic story. At least I managed to survive a mortal wound for hours, possibly days, so that I can give you a few words of wisdom. I'll die now so that it's not too long and gets edited out.
Mal
Right we're going to soup up Serenity for a pass through Reaver territory. Out of respect of Mysterious Book hiss skeleton will be our main feature.
Kaylee
That's horrid.
Mal
It's either him or Simon.
Kaylee
I'll go get some rope.
They have a scary experience traveling through Reaver space as they're ships blast out Reaver pop music.
River
I see dead people.
Kaylee
We all see dead people the entire planets dead. But on the bright side the technology is intact, shiny.
Zoe
Since Reavers eat people you'd think they'd start with these vacuum packed ones.
They enter a crashed but only slightly damaged ship and find the message.
Hologram of scientist
It's our fault, we just wanted to make an original scifi series with engaging characters but the Trekky's couldn't handle it.
Kaylee
(Quivering in fear) No not Trekkies, the Reavers are die hard Trekkies.
Mal
Oh my.
They head off to broadcast the signal through Mr Universe. The Alliance is waiting for them behind a cloud... surrounding a planet.... well at least it's not explained by meaningless techno-babble.
Operative too mysterious for a name
What could possibly go wrong?
Random officer
Well a whole fleet of Reaver ships could appear. But then the satellites on the other side of the cloud would be able to warn us.
Operative too mysterious for a name
All monitors are tuned to Big Brother. We love Big Brother.
Random officer
So how come your watching X Files?
Operative too mysterious for a name
You can't take my Sky from me. Besides what are the chances of Reavers turning up?
Reavers turn up, huge battle commences, Serenity crashes. Wash dies.
People who have and haven't seen the series
NOOOOOO! Sob. Why do main characters have to die in this series?
Writer, director, creator and chief geek man Joss Whedon
Tense isn't it?
Mal goes to send the signal whilst everyone else digs in for some Reaver shooting.
Simon
Kaylee you know my bigest regret is not being with you.
Kaylee
You mean as in sex? To hell with this I'm going to live. I will also continue to premote sales of the Firefly DVD so that people can see more dimensions to my character than simply just Simon chasing.
Mal comes across the transmitter which for some reason is over a giant chasm.
Mal
Not at all like Star Wars.
Operative too mysterious for a name
I've been waiting for you Mal. We meet again at last.
Mal
But I was here first.
Operative too mysterious for a name
Shut up! Now let me introduce you to my sword.
They fight Mal wins and sends out the signal. Meanwhile River defeats the Reavers/Trekky's because she's a girl and Trekky's are terrified of girls.
Operative too mysterious for a name
Mal I've repaired your ship healed your crew, I believe that's called switching sides. Join me and we can overthrow the Emperor.
Mal
Nah I just prefer floating around. Hoping for a sequel.
People who have and haven't seen the series
Please let there be a sequel.
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With Out Permission.
1 comment:
Brilliant movie. You've done a good parody.
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