The good old days. Simpler effects. Better scripts.
Opens with a scene of prehistoric earth as this is a current Hollywood trend.
Cavemen
Ooh shiny black things. Are you here to teach us?
Monolith Transformer
No we're here to dumb down the human race.
Cut
to Shanghai where everyone is walking around wearing face masks, so
nothing unusual there. A team of Autobots and humans come to hunt down
the Decepticons. They fight, constantly transforming for no other reason
than to show off the CGI. Somehow they think they can do all this in
secret.
Female Transformers
We're only here to try and sell to girls, we're completely useless in this movie.
Director Michael Bay
Doesn't mean that I don't respect women, now enough of the interesting Transformer stuff. where's my human eye candy.
Mikaela
Hey just because I spend most of my scenes posing like a fashion model, doesn't mean I'm not a serious character.
Sam
Hi darling, just calling to annoy you.
Mikaela
I like you. I would say love, but we need a bit of drama later.
Sam
That's all I have to look forward to? I want some character development, where's the script.
Director Michael Bay
Script?
Just throw in some bad lines from other movies you remember. As for
character development try going to college or something.
Mikaela
Great our character stories are going to be really interesting aren't they. I thought there were 3 writers on this film.
Part
of the All Spark decides to reactivate itself after two years of doing
nothing. Turning dozens of small electrical appliances into
Transformers, helpfully not transforming the cooker or tumble dryer
which would be more deadly. Bumblebee saves them.
Sam
Goodbye Bumblebee, don't worry I no longer need your protection.
Bumblebee
But I just saved your life.
Sam's Dad
That is why he needs a $40,000 a year education.
Sam heads to College where his mum would prefer he slept around, rather than stay devoted to his girlfriend.
Roommate
Mind if I'm your annoyingly unnecessary buddy for the movie?
Sam
I don't seem to have a choice, when it comes to characters Michael Bay goes for quantity not quality.
The
Decepticons go to rescue Megatron, they do this with surprising ease
considering it took them two years to get around to it.
Megatron
What is your bidding Fallen?
Fallen
Do not insult me Darth.
Megatron
But that is your name my master.
Fallen
Oh yes of course, I'm not sure it's a very inspiring name for a leader, maybe I should change it to Sidious.
*****
Optimus Prime
Sam we need your help.
Sam
Why on earth do you need my help?
Optimus Prime
Well
technically you should be asking why in the Galaxy? It's not just an
earth problem, the Decepticons are coming back to earth they want to
harness the power of the sun. Can you believe this is just the short
version of such a simple plot? *Sigh*
Sam
Well
the film is interspersed with lots of loud noises to stop people going
to sleep... wait a minute why don't they use one of the other stars in
the Galaxy? Stars aren't in short supply.
Optimus Prime
You really shouldn't ask so many questions, I've stopped caring. Hi Megatron please kill me now.
Optimus dies, Sam is in such grief that he joins two annoying Transformers who both think they're rappers.
Mudflap
Yo.
Skids
Yo.
Sam
He he.
Skids
Are you laughing at my ridiculous name.
Sam
No, I just remembered a fart joke.
Mikaela
You two are really going to damage Chevrolet sales.
Sam
No one really cares about our interactions we need some plot development.
OAP Transformer
Welcome to the museum, please do not touch anything.
Sam
We need your help to defeat the Decepticons and sell another Transformer figure.
OAP Transformer
What is that you say son? I need to emphasise again that I'm OLD.
Mikaela
But you can still transform into a powerful jet.
OAP Transformer
My
memory isn't what it was was so I can avoid logical questions. You
should try forgetting logic as well. Now let me rattle on with some
exposition, although reading the synopsis of the first film would
probably do the job.
Film Critics
This plot is ridiculously flimsy.
Director Michael
Well it is basically one long toy commercial.
Film Critics
So were the the Star Wars prequels... maybe this film isn't so bad.
Everyone
comes to fight in the desert, with a set that looks very similar to the
one in the first film. Still they do have the pyramids almost making
the fight feel important.
Megatron
We must stop Sam getting to Optimus. I should get there first as I can fly to the moons of Saturn in just a few minutes.
Agent Simmons
I must climb to the top of this huge pyramid before ordering an aerial assault.
Audience
Wouldn't that be safer from a distance?
Agent Simmons
Michael
Bay is afraid that the film isn't long enough. I think that's why all
the scenes of Mikaela running are done in slow motion.
Sam
No
I'll get there first despite dragging Mikaela along for no reason than
to put her in jeopardy. I can even fit a boringly flat scene with my Dad
which tries to be emotional.
OAP Transformer
As a Prime you're the only one who can defeat the Fallen.
Optimus Prime
But I'll be using your weapons to do it.
OAP Transformer
Don't interrupt your elders.
After seemingly hours of pointless running around the final climatic fight lasts just 2 minutes.
Sam
Optimus can you end the film by saying something profound?
Optimus Prime
No.
Sam
Sigh. Oh well I'm sure we'll still have a sequel.
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced
With Out Permission.
No comments:
Post a Comment