As another movie I
enjoyed I decided to take a slightly different approach. Highlighting
more of what I liked than usual to make this a more rounded review.
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| Who needs Red Bull? |
Opens with a scene of apes being chased and captured in the
jungle.
Charlton Heston
Hmm there’s
something familiar about all this. Did they really need to reference the
original so
early on?
Cut to Gen Sys
pharmaceutical company.
Will Rodman
This chimpanzee might hold the key to curing Alzheimer’s.
You must approve human testing.
Steven Jacobs
I can’t approve that alone who do you think I am? Just make
sure the meeting with the board goes smoothly.
It doesn’t. Bright
Eyes escapes as the facility has just two inept ape handlers to control her.
Steven Jacobs
That was a disaster and I assume her violence was caused by
the drug so destroy them all. I always think caution is best.
Will Rodman
Well I hope your attitude towards caution doesn’t change
over the years.
Robert Franklin
Actually the drug had nothing to do with it. So the movie
can’t use it as a simple explanation for the violence of the apes. This is
actually going to be interesting.
Will Rodman
Indeed. Well I’ll do some emotional human ape interaction by
becoming this babies father.
Robert Franklin
That could be weird.
Will Rodman
Trust me and the animators.
Caesar grows up
showing his advanced intelligence. Which naturally leads to increased curiosity
but Will somehow manages to keep his super advanced pet secret. Until Caesar
decides to try riding a bike. Thankfully we don’t see him ride it as it would
look ridiculous.
Caroline
Hi I could be useful to you in studying your chimp.
Will Rodman
I’d prefer you as love interest. My only friends appear to
be my father and a chimp yet I am still a socially likeable person.
Caroline
Ok but I feel obliged to show some concern that you’re
playing God.
Will Rodman
No need to state the obvious, I work for a company called
Gen Sys. It’s part of the job description.
Cut to five years
later.
TV report
And the Icarus has
entered mars orbit.
Will Rodman
They really shouldn’t have those missions something bad
always happens. And why does it look like the command module from the Apollo missions?
The astronauts would waste away making such a long trip in weightlessness.
Charles Rodman
I’m getting ill again. Son I need you to use your magic to
heal me again over night
Will Rodman
That wasn’t magic it was science… kind of. Besides your immune system is fighting the virus cure.
Charles Rodman
A virus cure? Haven’t you ever seen a movie about the human
apocalypse?
Will Rodman
Well I’m taking precautions. Testing it at home, alone with
no other medial support… I think I should talk to Jacobs.
Steven Jacobs
You’re still obsessed over a virus you created 8 years ok?
Actually that’s all you do I really should get round to firing you.
Will Rodman
But the cure works my father is proof. Sort of… I just need
to make a stronger version.
Steven Jacobs
Well you may have withheld this amazing breakthrough from
your own company but I’ll still trust you.
*****
Charles Rodman
I fancy a drive.
Hunsiker
Hey get out of my car fool.
Will Rodman
You’ve been my neighbour all these years and you don’t know
about my Alzheimer’s?
Hunisiker
I may have been reasonable before. I didn’t report it when
Caeser was running loose and scaring my kids but this time it’s my car that’s in
danger.
Caeser attacks him and
horrifyingly appears to bite his finger off and chew on it. However later
Hunisiker still has finger and is a nice neighbour again even confronting a
possible burglar outside Will’s house? He must have been having a bad day. Caeser
gets locked up in a primate sanctuary.
Dodge
Welcome to the mad house. Where I bring girls because I
think the site of cruelly contained apes will make them fancy me more.
Caeser
Stupid human.
Maurice the Orangatan
Hey I can sign too.
Caeser
What? You’re an intelligent ape too? Without needing the
virus? But that goes against everything else the movie’s been saying and for no
real reason.
Maurice the Orangatan
Hey I can be your prime mate.
Caeser
Your not clever enough and some intelligent apes would be
useful. I’ll go and get the smarterer… I
mean smartening virus. Good job Will leaves the highly secret and dangerous
virus in his fridge next to his beers.
Back at the research
lab.
Will Rodman
Let’s test this stronger virus with me being the only one
who knows what I’m doing.
Robert Franklin
Really? It’s in gaseous form shouldn’t we have more
protection? There must be company guidelines on this sort of thing.
Will Rodman
Don’t get in a panic you might knock off your mask. Oh you
already have. Hey I just thought of how I can get Caeser I’m sure you can wait.
*****
Brian Cox
You’ve only just thought to try bribing me? We’ve been keep
the equivalent of a young human locked up with dumb animals for weeks.
Caesar closes the door on Will.
Will Rodman
You might be right but I’ll but I won’t spend time trying to
explain myself. I’ll j
Ust go and mope off camera.
Caesar stages his
escape in a wy that could have easily failed despite all the planning he’s
apparently done.
Dodge
Get your filthy paws off me you dirty ape. Oh I enjoyed
saying that, did I deliver it as well as Charlton Heston?
Caesar
No!
Dodge
He can talk he can talk.
Caesar
I can sing!
Dodge
Talking is all I can handle for the moment.
The apes escape
through the roof and the great music from the trailer makes one of its sadly
few appearances.
Rocket
To NewYork!
Caesar
What? No. We’re going to the Redwood forest. You have to
admire the writer’s restraint in not setting this movie in New York though. But first we need to go to
the zoo then we’ll go and freak out Jacobs. It will be fun.
Policeman #1
The apes are moving around so fast we can’t catch up.
Policeman #2
If only we could go crashing through buildings like they do.
Policeman #1
Yeah. Wait why aren’t they all horribly injured from
crashing through glass?
Policeman #2
This day is weird enough without thinking about things like
that.
The apes arrive at the
Golden Gate Bridge which is luckily shrouded in
mist.
Police chief
We’ll send in the mounted police first.
Mounted Police
What if there are gorillas in the mist?
Police Chief
You have batons don’t you? We’ll stay here with the guns.
Koba
Die!
Caeser
No we can’t kill them this is not the 70s version.
Koba
You’re right it wont be as easy as Conquest of the Planet of
the Apes.
Koba lifts up a gun.
Koba
From my cold dead hands!
Caeser
Don’t be such an animal, put that gun down.
The apes overrun the
police in some good action shots. Then the helicopter closes in.
Caesar
This is like David facing Goliath where’s my slingshot? Ah
this chain will do.
Caesar takes out the
guns but Buck, not to be out done, leaps onto the helicopter.
Buck
Yes we can overcome advanced technology… dying in the
process… oh my I hope something else can take care of these humans for us.
The apes reach Redwood Forest.
Will Rodman
Caesar!
Caesar
You’ve been yelling my name like that the whole movie. I
thought from the trailer it would come at a dramatic moment.
Will Rodman
I just want attention you out shine
me with your acting. But you can’t stay here you’ll be hunted down.
Caesar
But these monkeys can share cookies surely we can share a world
or at least a wood?
Will Rodman
You really think you can hide
here? Well maybe you can we appear to have bigger problems. But we’ll blame
Jacobs his motivations weren’tt good like mine.
The movie closes with
a graphic showing the virus spreading around the world. Apparently not one country
tries to stop the virus from entering.
Caesar
Stupid humans.
Fin
Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.
