The Avengers: First Draft Parody Script

This is the first parody I've written of a movie which I sawcompletely in French. I don't think too much was lost in translation.My language skills are improving...I didn't realise it was a romantic comedy/road trip movie though. It's a shame they didn't suceed in their quest to find the Holy Grail but at least they learn't a valuable lesson about not taking drugs.

Opens with a voice over from a deeply toned metallic alien. I get a horrible flashback of the Transformers 2 movie.

Cut to Nick Fury at a remote research lab.

Nick Fury

See how I get a low camera angle introduction? That’s because I’m such a cool and powerful character?

Audience

Really? Why? What do you actually do?

Nick Fury

Well I try to look cool… I actually shoot some enemies later… Oh! I also survive jumping out of a crashing helicopter.

Audience

Wait a minute, you have super hero powers too?

Nick fury

Errr well no. This movie just isn’t really clear on what people can and can not survive.

Audience

That really damages the tension.

Nick Fury

Nick Fury does not apologise!

Loki

You should. This is a ridiculously easy place to escape from. I’ve seen more security guards at a Black Sabbath gig.

Nick Fury

Well I believe in quality not quantity.

Loki

Well I’m going to steal the quality. Come here Hawkeye and Dr Selvig. I’m just as crazy as your last boss.

Cut to numerous scenes of our heroes being recruited to the Avengers team. Haven’t we already seen this recruiting being pointlessly shoe horned into the last 5 or 6 movies?

Captain America

I’m sad, why should I come?

Nick Fury

Because you are the only selfless super hero.

Captain America

Oh yeah how could I forget.

Dr Bruce Banner

Why on earth do you want me? Aren’t I too unstable?

Black Widow

We need you to provide some muscle.

Dr Bruce Banner

But that sums up most of your team. Couldn’t we have more varied powers like the X Men?

Black Widow

We have Iron man… his missiles are kind of special.

Iron Man

You want me? Am I really a team player?

Nick Fury

Well at least you know how to fly.

Captain America

Hey don’t kick a man when he’s down.

They head to Germany where…THE MIGHTY INTERDIMENSIONAL FIGHTER AND TRICKSTER LOKI… gets taken down by Iron Man pointing a few 21^st century weapons at him… oh…

Captain America

Hmmm that was easy. Do you think it could be another one of his tricks?

Iron Man

No I am just that amazing.

Thor

Not as amazing as me.

Iron Man

Get off of my plane! Oh no, I didn’t just say that.

Captain America

But it worked, he took Loki.

Iron Man

Well as the only other member of the team that can fly I’d better go after him. Just wait here being all patriotic and stuff.

Captain America

Hey don’t leave me out. Just wait whilst I get a parachute.

Aircraft Pilot

But they could be miles away by now. What are you going to do run to them?

Captain America

Of course! I’m a super hero in the same league as them. I can do it.

Aircraft Pilot

Sure…

Iron Man

Your magic/technology that took millennia to develop is no match for my Iron Man suit.

Thor

Yes it is! But maybe I could team up with you and you can be the canon fodder.

They take Loki aboard the Helicarrier, an impractical and vulnerable looking ship.

Loki

HAHAHA! Do you really believe this prison can hold me?

Nick Fury

Of course! You may be able to escape the void of interdimensional space but…

Loki’s minions attack the heli carrier.

Nick Fury

…

Helicarrier agent

I think it’s time to release the Fury.

Nick Fury

I’m kind of busy right now…You know I’m coordinating… and well doing paper work for…

Helicarrier agent

I meant the fury of the Hulk.

Nick Fury

Could be dangerous in such a confined space, but it’s what the audience wants to see.

Thor

Brother you tricked me again.

Loki

That’s right and I am going to send you plummeting towards the earth in your Hulk cage. Don’t worry despite the fearful expression you’ll have, it won’t kill you. Even if you do hit the ground whilst still in it.

Loki escapes whilst Hawkeye uses a usb arrow to disable the Helicarrier engines… well one of it’s engines, which is even stranger.

Black Widow

This isn’t who you are. Turn away from the dark side.

Hawkeye

As your the only superhero I know with the work black in their title I’m getting a little confused. Just knock me out, that is normally the simplest option.

Nick Fury

Loki killed agent Coulson.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

And?

Nick Fury

He’s had 10 lines of dialogue in the movies. Surely you care?

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

Not really.

Nick Fury

Well if you all go and fight him together just think how awesome the action scene could be.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

We’re in.

Loki activates a portal to bring in the Chitauri army.

Audience

Chitauri? That’s seriously their name? It’s not hard to imagine what people will nick name them.

The Avenger team arrives and Iron Man proves to be the most useful member in the fight.

Captain America

It’s a shame you haven’t produced more copies of your suit for others. Loki would really be in trouble if we showed up with 50 of you.

Hulk

You could have at least of given War Machine a quick call. You spend most of this movie on the phone anyway.

Joss Whedon has lots of cool action scenes but for some reason he keeps cutting back to Hawkeye shooting arrows? Ok he has a fantastic aim… good for him.

Iron Man

Hey Hawkeye? Have you ran out of arrows yet?

Hawkeye

You’d think so wouldn’t you, but is anyone really counting? And what about you then? Run out of missiles yet?

Iron Man

Yes.

Hawkeye

Oh.

Due to the usual communication break down the armed forces launch a nuclear missile.

Iron Man

I’ll handle this. Everyone knows that a nuclear missle doesn’t detonate until impact.

Thor

Really? I’m sure it can detonate just upon reaching set coordinates.

Iron Man

Would you prefer to fly into space and destroy the Chitauri base yourself?

Thor

Carry on.

Nick Fury

Thanks to all of you for saving the world.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

We’ll have to do this again sometime. Everything we do together is awesome.

Audience

Is it worth staying for the post credit scenes then?

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

No!

Fin

James Bond Dr No: First Draft Parody Script

Opens up with the startling scene of the viewer being shot. Talk about opening with a bang.

We then see 3 blind men walking through the city.

Director Terence Young

This is a far cry from the parody movie of Casino Royale… really!

Audience

Errr?

The 3 blind men turn out to be assassins.

Audience

Phew.

We then meet Bond, James Bond at the Poker table.

Audience

Errr?

James Bond

This isn’t like the last movie. Honest! Just look how suave I am.

Money Penny

Fancy starting off the next 50 years of sexual tension.

James Bond

Haven’t you noticed how direct I when it comes to getting the women I want? You should really take the hint.

M

I am the most important man in british intelligence. IAM NOT JUST HERE FOR EXPOSITION!

James Bond

What is my mission then!

M

Sigh…You get to go to Jamaica. Lucky you. But whilst sunbathing try to find a man called Strangways. Oh and take a new gun, a PPK. It will help you with your invincibility.

Bond arrives in Jamica where we get the first thrilling car chase of the franchise… where Bond is being chauffer driven…

James Bond

Talk!

Chauffer

Ok, but first let me have a cigarette.

James Bond

Ok but you know smoking will kill you.

Chauffer

You’re right. Gak!

James Bond

I really should have seen that coming.

*****

James Bond

That wasn’t very subtle. Taking a photo of me like that.

Photographer

I hope that one day cameras will be smaller. Much smaller!

James Bond

Tell us who you work for or we’ll hurt you.

Felix Lighter

Bond you’ll casually kill hundreds of men. You’ll even casually endanger women and children for a cool stunt. But you always have a soft spot when confronted with a single beautiful woman. Now enough time wasting, we need to talk to Dr No.

James Bond

Oh that is just wonderful he really does sounds like an agreeable character.

The fantastic and thrilling Bond theme continues to get played as we watch James Bond… sending a cable and collecting his car keys?

James Bond

These rock samples are radioactive? I will not show any concern though. I will just proceed straight to Dr No’s secret lair.

We get a classic Bond car chase with the use of rear projection. They sure used to struggle with getting the perspective right on these old special effects. Fortunately for Bond the enemy car doesn’t appear to have any brakes.

Quarrel

I’m not sure about taking you to the island Mr Bond. I’m a black man in a 60s action movie, I’m bound to have a horrible death.

James Bond

Maybe, but this is going to be a long franchise, you should try and have a memorable place in it.

Honey Ryder

That’s certainly my intention.

James Bond

Wow that entrance will definitely leave an impression. The white bikini is enough to forget even the bad song dubbing and hopefully this weird idea that you would come to a dangerous island just to collect shells.

Honey Ryder

My motivations maybe dubious, but I am a critical part of this story… Really!

James Bond

Really.

Honey Ryder

I can help you, I know the island well.

James Bond

Ok show us. Just leave behind anything you don’t really need… like proper clothing…

*****

Quarel

Look Mr Bond a dragon! Wait I’m not that stupid… let’s needlessly shoot it.

Quarrel shoots away and gets his death scene. They then go to the hidden lair of Dr No.

James Bond

Hello Dr No you’ve been introduced into this movie really late haven’t you?

Dr No

Well I hope to live on in a variety pf parodies.

James Bond

Interesting. So what brings you here?

Dr No

I was once a treasurer for a large criminal organisation called  S.P.E.C.T.R.E. But I left them after stealing 100 BILLION DOLLARS!

James Bond

HAHAHAHA! Dr No this is 1962 that amount of money doesn’t even exist.

Dr No

Ok, ok it was just 10 million.

James Bond

And you spent a million dollars on the fish tank? You must really love fish…and lasers?

Dr No

No.

James Bond (Looking crestfallen)

What a shame.

Bond gets thrown into an inescapable cell.

James Bond

Inescapable? No its not it’s easy I just need to use my show to get into this oversized air/water vent.

Q

You escaped uing just your shoe? We can’t have that. I’d better make myself busy. How are you going to stop Dr No? By throwing some switches?

James Bond

Just one actually.  Now come here for a climatic fight Dr I Barely Know.

Dr No

No, no I’m beaten. Why are all of my minions running away like cowards.

Where is my number 2 guy to help?

Bond rescues Honey Ryder and escapes just in time.

James Bond

The boats out of fuel but that’s no reason to delay our loving.

Honey Ryder

But we could die out here.

James Bond

Don’t be silly, my name is Bond, James Bond.

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes: First Draft Parody Script

As another movie I enjoyed I decided to take a slightly different approach. Highlighting more of what I liked than usual to make this a more rounded review.

Who needs Red Bull?

Opens with a scene of apes being chased and captured in the jungle.

Charlton Heston

Hmm there’s something familiar about all this. Did they really need to reference the

original so early on?

Cut to Gen Sys pharmaceutical company.

Will Rodman

This chimpanzee might hold the key to curing Alzheimer’s. You must approve human testing.

Steven Jacobs

I can’t approve that alone who do you think I am? Just make sure the meeting with the board goes smoothly.

It doesn’t. Bright Eyes escapes as the facility has just two inept ape handlers to control her.

Steven Jacobs

That was a disaster and I assume her violence was caused by the drug so destroy them all. I always think caution is best.

Will Rodman

Well I hope your attitude towards caution doesn’t change over the years.

Robert Franklin

Actually the drug had nothing to do with it. So the movie can’t use it as a simple explanation for the violence of the apes. This is actually going to be interesting.

Will Rodman

Indeed. Well I’ll do some emotional human ape interaction by becoming this babies father.

Robert Franklin

That could be weird.

Will Rodman

Trust me and the animators.

Caesar grows up showing his advanced intelligence. Which naturally leads to increased curiosity but Will somehow manages to keep his super advanced pet secret. Until Caesar decides to try riding a bike. Thankfully we don’t see him ride it as it would look ridiculous.

Caroline

Hi I could be useful to you in studying your chimp.

Will Rodman

I’d prefer you as love interest. My only friends appear to be my father and a chimp yet I am still a socially likeable person.

Caroline

Ok but I feel obliged to show some concern that you’re playing God.

Will Rodman

No need to state the obvious, I work for a company called Gen Sys. It’s part of the job description.

Cut to five years later.

TV report

And the Icarus has entered mars orbit.

Will Rodman

They really shouldn’t have those missions something bad always happens. And why does it look like the command module from the Apollo missions? The astronauts would waste away making such a long trip in weightlessness.

Charles Rodman

I’m getting ill again. Son I need you to use your magic to heal me again over night

Will Rodman

That wasn’t magic it was science… kind of. Besides your  immune system is fighting the virus cure.

Charles Rodman

A virus cure? Haven’t you ever seen a movie about the human apocalypse?

Will Rodman

Well I’m taking precautions. Testing it at home, alone with no other medial support… I think I should talk to Jacobs.

Steven Jacobs

You’re still obsessed over a virus you created 8 years ok? Actually that’s all you do I really should get round to firing you.

Will Rodman

But the cure works my father is proof. Sort of… I just need to make a stronger version.

Steven Jacobs

Well you may have withheld this amazing breakthrough from your own company but I’ll still trust you.

*****

Charles Rodman

I fancy a drive.

Hunsiker

Hey get out of my car fool.

Will Rodman

You’ve been my neighbour all these years and you don’t know about my Alzheimer’s?

Hunisiker

I may have been reasonable before. I didn’t report it when Caeser was running loose and scaring my kids but this time it’s my car that’s in danger.

Caeser attacks him and horrifyingly appears to bite his finger off and chew on it. However later Hunisiker still has finger and is a nice neighbour again even confronting a possible burglar outside Will’s house? He must have been having a bad day. Caeser gets locked up in a primate sanctuary.

Dodge

Welcome to the mad house. Where I bring girls because I think the site of cruelly contained apes will make them fancy me more.

Caeser

Stupid human.

Maurice the Orangatan

Hey I can sign too.

Caeser

What? You’re an intelligent ape too? Without needing the virus? But that goes against everything else the movie’s been saying and for no real reason.

Maurice the Orangatan

Hey I can be your prime mate.

Caeser

Your not clever enough and some intelligent apes would be useful. I’ll go and get the smarterer…  I mean smartening virus. Good job Will leaves the highly secret and dangerous virus in his fridge next to his beers.

Back at the research lab.

Will Rodman

Let’s test this stronger virus with me being the only one who knows what I’m doing.

Robert Franklin

Really? It’s in gaseous form shouldn’t we have more protection? There must be company guidelines on this sort of thing.

Will Rodman

Don’t get in a panic you might knock off your mask. Oh you already have. Hey I just thought of how I can get Caeser I’m sure you can wait.

*****

Brian Cox

You’ve only just thought to try bribing me? We’ve been keep the equivalent of a young human locked up with dumb animals for weeks.

Caesar closes the door on Will.

Will Rodman

You might be right but I’ll but I won’t spend time trying to explain myself. I’ll j

Ust go and mope off camera.

Caesar stages his escape in a wy that could have easily failed despite all the planning he’s apparently done.

Dodge

Get your filthy paws off me you dirty ape. Oh I enjoyed saying that, did I deliver it as well as Charlton Heston?

Caesar

No!

Dodge

He can talk he can talk.

Caesar

I can sing!

Dodge

Talking is all I can handle for the moment.

The apes escape through the roof and the great music from the trailer makes one of its sadly few appearances.

Rocket

To NewYork!

Caesar

What? No. We’re going to the Redwood forest. You have to admire the writer’s restraint in not setting this movie in New York though. But first we need to go to the zoo then we’ll go and freak out Jacobs. It will be fun.

Policeman #1

The apes are moving around so fast we can’t catch up.

Policeman #2

If only we could go crashing through buildings like they do.

Policeman #1

Yeah. Wait why aren’t they all horribly injured from crashing through glass?

Policeman #2

This day is weird enough without thinking about things like that.

The apes arrive at the Golden Gate Bridge which is luckily shrouded in mist.

Police chief

We’ll send in the mounted police first.

Mounted Police

What if there are gorillas in the mist?

Police Chief

You have batons don’t you? We’ll stay here with the guns.

Koba

Die!

Caeser

No we can’t kill them this is not the 70s version.

Koba

You’re right it wont be as easy as Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

Koba lifts up a gun.

Koba

From my cold dead hands!

Caeser

Don’t be such an animal, put that gun down.

The apes overrun the police in some good action shots. Then the helicopter closes in.

Caesar

This is like David facing Goliath where’s my slingshot? Ah this chain will do.

Caesar takes out the guns but Buck, not to be out done, leaps onto the helicopter.

Buck

Yes we can overcome advanced technology… dying in the process… oh my I hope something else can take care of these humans for us.

The apes reach Redwood Forest.

Will Rodman

Caesar!

Caesar

You’ve been yelling my name like that the whole movie. I thought from the trailer it would come at a dramatic moment.

Will Rodman

I just want attention you out shine me with your acting. But you can’t stay here you’ll be hunted down.

Caesar

But these monkeys can share cookies surely we can share a world or at least a wood?

Will Rodman

You really think you can hide here? Well maybe you can we appear to have bigger problems. But we’ll blame Jacobs his motivations weren’tt good like mine.

The movie closes with a graphic showing the virus spreading around the world. Apparently not one country tries to stop the virus from entering.

Caesar

Stupid humans.

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

James Bond Goldenneye: First Draft Parody Script

Good movie better game

Opens with Bond bungee jumping down a dam.

Audience

Is that really the best way to get down a dam?

Director Martin Campbell

Look you're the ones who didn't like the last rougher more realistic Bond.

Audience

True we'll never like such a Bond again.

Bond walks around a research facility killing a load of Russians.

Russian soldier

Hey what do you think you're doing? The cold war is over.

Bond

We'll kind of explain that later.

006

007? But that's two 00 agents on one mission,?I thought we'd be more spread out there's only 9 of us.

Bond

This could get dangerous, stay sharp.

006

Oh no you didn't!  I'm never going to regret betraying you now.

Bond blows up the weapons facility and escapes by free falling into a plane.

Audience

Does Pierce Brosnan want to be the next super man as well?

The opening sequence rolls with the best sound track since Gold finger. Bond then has a car race with Onatop. Even though his car is 40 years older than hers they stay neck and neck. That is until Bond realises he hasn't kissed a girl yet in this movie.

Evaluator

This  isn't helping my evaluation of you Bond.

Bond

I'm being evaluated? But I've saved the world as we know it 16 times and I'm still in my 30's.

M

I'm trying to establish my authority here.

Bond

Whoa M your a woman, I have the deepest respect for women really. Now where can I find a  pretty Bond girl who won't try to kill me.

M

Well there's Natalia the one person I don't mind you de-cloathing, that cardigan makes her look older than me.  Oh and can you do something about the Goldeneye, it destroyed the special effect guys  models.

Bond

Nothing can ever replace models.

Q

And here's the new car model a BMW you'll be using it for a total of 2 minutes during the movie. Still I'll give you a full rundown of the features seeing as they're now a sponsor.

Bond meets 006 again in some kind of graveyard.

Bond

You again! Its like some reoccurring end of level boss.

006

This would make a good game I agree. Now to establish myself a bit more. I'm doing all this because my parents were betrayed by the British.

Bond

I thought it was the French that you didn't like. Though it's nice to have adifferent motivation and not just money. Still I've got sixteen shillings here if it would help you change your mind? Sorry about the scar by the way William Dodd was a dangerous character.

006

I care not for your sympathies. Now die!.

He doesn't in typical Bond fashion.They are taking for interrogation, Bond escapes as General Orumov foolishly leaves himself disarmed. We see that Russian soldiers are as good at aiming as stormtroopers.

Director Martin Campbell

We have nothing against the Russians honestly.

Bond chases after Talia in a tank. For once he has a reason for being invincible. Apparently Russians are poor drivers as well as most cars drive right into him.

Bond

How did such an exciting chase turn into such a boring level on the Nintendo game.

006

Bond escaped?

General Orumov

Of course he escaped you left him right next to the eject button in loose bindings. Look now he wants to play chicken with the train.

006

Ram him! After all what could possibly go wrong?

Talia spikes Boris and tracks him by finding out 10 country's he's not in rather than the one he is.

Bond

Yep that really narrows it down.

They fly to  a large satellite dish which has to be hidden under a lake. Because there is no possible way the Goldeneye can be controlled by anything less than satellite dish which is a mile in diameter. He gets caught again.

Boris

We're going to use the Goldeneye to erase records in London.

Bond

Your doing all this to commit fraud. Don't you think they have backup.

Bond escapes AGAIN!

006

How is he escaping so many impossible situations. Who's writing this Bernard Cornwell?

006 chases Bond round the dish.

006

Why did we make this thing so big? I need to do the quick march.

They fight at last and Bond stops 006 from falling to his death.

006

For King George James?

Bond

No Sharpe for me.

006

I'm not  ahhhhh.

006 falls to his death, the dish blows up, Bond saves the day and the cavalry show up far too late to help.

Pierce Brosnan

Now I know how Sharpe felt.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

The Truman Show: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with Truman wandering around a world where all the information he receives is controlled by one man.

Movie Audience

That would be awful.

Rupert Murdoch

Yes... awful.

Suddenly a light falls out of the sky.

Truman

Whoa suspicious, if that is the trend for the week my life could really get turned upside down.

The cameras follows Truman, with there positions depicting them as part of the set.

Movie Audience

I bet this was tricky to work out. It's great that the film makers are trying something different.

We are shown a shot that couldn't possibly be made on the set.

Movie Audience

Never mind.

We see how boring all of the other characters are. Poor Truman goes home and takes from its hiding place a mock up picture of his true love.

Meryl

You'd think me finding that and getting angry would be more effective than letting him constantly day dream about Sylvia.

We go into a flashback with Carey sporting his Dumb and Dumber look, Marlon looks older than he does in the present. He doesn't moisturise even though he’s an actor?

Marlon

Marlon and Meryl is this show sponsored by M & Ms?

Truman

Shh I'm trying to learn all these interesting facts about the world outside of Sea Haven.

Meryl

We're desperately trying to keep you in this town and they're putting a load of exciting travel trivia in the books? I need a drink.

Sylvia

Hi there out of the thousands of people you've met, I'm the only one who wants to tell you the truth.

Truman

That sounds good. Wait wasn't I eyeing you up at the dance?

Sylvia

Yeah but they decided to risk further contact with me rather than break my contract. As for the truth... the truth... well the truth is out there Truman. Lets just kiss until they can drag me away.

Truman

But it's only one old man, can’t you tell me anything useful before you go?

Sylvia

No, despite my conscience I'm bound by the laws of drama.

Truman gets more and more suspicious and tries to escape by car. Christoph thinks simulating a nuclear disaster is the easiest way to stop him. We wonder why he doesn't use this set space and budget for some fake locations?

Nuclear Technician

Turn around Truman.

Christoph

Idiot. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Nuclear Technician

No! Not now that I'm so near the end.

*****

Meryl

I'm going to try and win back your trust by threatening you with these knives. Costing just $3.99 in all good stores.

Truman

Why are you talking like that?

Meryl

It's this Newspeak, it takes a bit of getting used to.

Truman

O...K

Meryl

That word is no longer valid, 'I see' or 'right', are acceptable alternatives.

Truman

That is it I'm going to threaten you right back.

Meryl

Monster!

*****

Marlon

Truman the last thing I would do is lie to you. Unless everyone else is lying which would mean I am. But don't consider that too much.

Truman

Thanks for clearing that up for me, associating yourself with the 100's of people I don't trust wasn't the smartest move.

Marlon

What do you expect I've been educated by TV.

Truman's Dad

Hello son.

Truman

What? Where have you been all these years?

Truman's Dad

It was all a dream.

Christoph

This is television gold, now fade up the live music.

Musician

I have to do all this music live? But the theme is the same throughout.

Christoph

You're a total light weight, you're fired!

Musician

Thank you for the opportunity, (under his breath) git!

News reels show us the history of the show.

Movie Audience

A baby adopted by a television show? No country that cares about human rights would allow this.

Director Peter Weir

This is set in America which hasn't signed the human rights bill.

Movie Audience

Oh yeah.

News Reader

Along with the great wall of China the set is the only man made object visible from space.

Movie Audience

Most things are visible from space with the right equipment.

News Reader

Don't nitpick, I mean with the naked eye.

Movie Audience

That's a myth.

News Reader

Shut up! I prefer the Truman audience.

Truman Audience

Wow Truman's sleeping we love watching that.

Movie Audience

No viewers could ever be that sad.

*****

Christoph

Our next milestone is an on-screen conception.

Movie Audience

Not very family friendly.

Christoph

Followed by an onscreen birth.

Movie Audience

You've done that already with Truman.

Christoph

Give me a break, I'm just repackaging old ideas as cutting edge. It's what we do.

Truman escapes his house unseen and the entire town turns out to find him. After all being hunted by a mob is bound to make him want to stay.

Christoph

I'm going to kill you Truman. I'm sure the nation won't demand the death penalty for your murder.

Network Boss

You're crazy! How have you held your position so long?

Christoph

You've never toured Fox studios have you?

Truman makes it to the edge of the set and the audience realise that they now respect Jim Carey as an actor.

Christoph

Please please stay.

Truman

I have discovered the truth, destroying the entire point of your show.

Christoph

Perhaps, but every minute you stay makes me more money.

Truman

Hmm money, I wonder what magazine deals I will get? Goodbye.

Truman Audience

Lets see what else is on.

Movie Audience

Yes lets see what else is on.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Terminator Salvation: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a boring scene in a research lab. This is unnecessarily long in an attempt to make us care about Marcus.

Christian Bale

I'm Batman... I mean, I'm John Connor.

Commander

Would you please stop monologuing and do your job?

John Connor

Yes of course. I'll try to rescue those people by chasing a fast jet plane in a slow moving helicopter...alone. What could go wrong?

He crashes then gets thrown around by a T600.

John Connor

Can't you just rip my heart out like Schwarzenegger did in the first movie?

T600

That's coming with the next software upgrade. Skynet  2019.

Cut to resistance command, cleverly hidden in a self sustaining submarine.

Colonel America

Down here we will be safe from Skynet's satellite surveillance.

Colonel Britain

What about all of our helicopter's air planes?

Colonel America

No one's seemed to think of that.....

Officer

Dont' worry I've got a distraction here. John Connor wants to come aboard, he just jumped into the ocean.

Colonel America

Idiot! Try and find him in this raging ocean.

*****

John Connor

Hail me.

Colonel America

I'm the resistance leader, don't get confident just because you're better than me.

John Connor

I had to come here because every time I call you hang up.I do have feelings you know? Also for someone hidden under the ocean I thought you would appreciate the intelligence.

Colonel America

Are you calling me stupid.

John Connor

I... Look just give me your super top secret plans because I never put myself in a position where I could get caught.

Marcus wanders around a devastated LA. He doesn't remember what's happened but he is very calm about it all.

Marcus

Hmm that's a very dangerous looking Robot, but then if I talk to it I may find out it's a vending machine.

He gets rescued by Kyle Reese who destroys the T600 in a ridiculous manner more suited for the A Team.

Marcus

Why didn't you use your gun?

Kyle Reese

That's the Terminator's style not mine.

Marcus

That's stupid! But I'll stay with you anyway due to a timely attack.

Kyle Reese

We stay down by day... actually we move around by day and get a good night's sleep. It's a shame because the future fighting looked far cooler in the first 2 films. Still we can't go pleasing the fans by sticking to a few simple rules.

They escape LA, with Reese learning how to drive incredibly well in just 10 seconds. Then they're attacked by a giant transformer which believes grabbing people with huge unwieldy arms to be more efficient than just gassing them.

Marcus

I'm alive? I'm alive! I knew those diving lessons would come in handy. Now to cut down this resistance  pilot in a way that would likely break her legs.

They go to Connor's base which is protected by anti Terminator mines. One attaches to  Marcus's leg, dazing him rather than blowing him to pieces.

John Connor

The question is who bought cheap mines?

Kate

No the question is, what's with the Terminator/human hybrid?

John Connor

And why is it more advanced than the other Terminators?

Marcus

And why are you going to trust me to infiltrate Skynet?

John Connor

I'm human and go with my heart. Just as people did when they trusted machines with all our military defences... Well, safe journey.

John Connor wanders into Skynet central ALONE!

John Connor

Why am I doing this alone? Especially as my soldiers will fly in later without any trouble.

Director MCG

This is more exciting and tense.

John Connor

What about having Terminators that can actually terminate someone​?

Director MCG

Just get on with it.

*****

Skynet

Good morning Marcus. I'm going to explain our plans as any intelligent villain would do.

Marcu

This is getting far too much like ' I Robot ' I'm going to save Connor.

Skynet

You can't I sent Schwarzenegger to kill him. I could have sent the thousands of Terminators which are just loitering around the factory. But for a computer that killed billions of humans by nuking them, I am surprisingly sporting.

Marcus

You at least gave Schwarzenegger a gun right?

Skynet

Err no...

Marcus

Ha-ha.

Marcus runs off avoiding the thousands of guards, Connor clearly taught him a few things.

Skynet

I knew I should have just kept him talking with the whole prequel or sequel debate.

Despite having a miniature canon on him John shoots the Schwarzenegger with a gun he knows will do no harm. Schwarzenegger just plays with him as well.

John Connor

You're not going to rip my  heart out either?

Schwarzenegger

Skynet 2019!

John Connor

Right... Shame this script doesn't explain why a Terminator in America has an Austrian accent. Ow! Stop throwing me around it's getting really repetitive and boring.

Director MCG

Hmm that CGI face is getting expensive.

John Connor

I'll handle that.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hey you're stripping my ability to relate with humans.

John Connor

You never had it.

The battle goes on but the T800 still doesn't kill him. Yet he manages to disable semi Terminator Marcus in less than a minute.

John Connor

I will now kill you in the same way that you died in Terminator 2.

This doesn't work for some reason but puts the Terminator on pause for a minute.

T800

Where are all of the other Terminators when you need them?

John Connor

Where are the rest of the resistance when you need them.

Marcus finally kills the T800 and gets Connor out of Skynet.

Marcus

That was easy.

John Connor

If a little drawn out.

Mute girl hands Connor the detonator to set off a nuclear explosion which he uses despite being just a couple of hundred feet from the blast. They survive?

Marcus

You can have my heart.

Kate

Wont that raise a big ethical dilema?

Marcus

No I don't think the audience can sit through any more of this movie I'll just brush it off with two lines of dialouge.

John Connor is saved and ready for transport just minutes after a heart transplant.

John Connor

I better mention that Skynet hasn't been completely destroyed. There is no sequel but what someone else makes loads of money out of for themselves.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

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