Opens with a young Magneto in a Nazi concentration camp.
Audience
Bryan Singer is taking the material seriously and making a commentary on discrimination in society this is good.
Cut to Rogue having a disastrous kissing moment in a Dawson Creek like scene.
Audience
Ummmm.
Cut to Wolverine in a cage fight.
Audience
Oooh good Wolverine, I think I'll just enjoy the film now and analyse it later.
Wolverine
Growl.
Rogue
You seem like a good guy to make friends with. My name is Rogue and my character will not be as interesting as it was in the comics.
Wolverine
My name is Wolverine these films are all about me.
Magneto, resenting Wolverines screen time, sends Sabretooth to kill him.
Sabretooth
Meow.
Wolverine
Growl.
Sabretooth
Hissssssssssss!
Wolverine
Ow!
Cyclops and Storm rescue them in a rather dull action moment.
Professor Xavier
I sense this film needed a bigger budget. Even so thanks for having us your guest stars Wolverine. I'm Charles Xavier a telepath. The useful type not the babbling counsellor type.
Wolverine
How many more people do we have to meet? This is taking up some of my screen time..
Professor Xavier
There are a lot of mutants in the world. Thankfully only four of them have turned towards evil intent.
Wolverine
How do you fund this school?
Professor Xavier
That mystery is greater than mutation itself. This school has hundreds of students, unfortunately by the time of the third film only three of them will be X Men. We're working on ways to improve our teaching methods.
Wolverine goes to have his body examined by Dr Gray.
Wolverine
Fancy flirting?
Dr Gray
No... well maybe a little.
Cyclops
Cough.
Dr Gray
I meant no, absolutely not.
Cyclops
Wolverine let me take this opportunity tosay some stupid lines which will make the audience hate me.
Wolverine
Right... and you think you can be a lead in an X Men film.
Senator Kelly boards a helicopter and has a confidence he really shouldn't feel.
Senator Kelly
I'm willing to make an enemy of mutants, the most dangerous group in the history of mankind. What could possibly go wrong?
Toad
Hello I'm Toad. I considered being called Frog, but Toad sounds more disgusting.
Senator Kelly
Yeah but neither eat birds, ewww.
Magneto
I'm going to use this weird looking machine. It will most likely kill you, but I'm hoping for something plot enhancing.
Senator Kelly
Will it look spectacular?
Magneto
No.
Senator Kelly escapes and turns up as a mutant on a crowded beach. Despite all the attention he manages to secretly get to Xaviers school.
Storm, Professor Xavier, Cyclops, Dr Gray, Wolverine
Hahaha
Senator Kelly
Don't you have any sympathy?
Storm, Professor Xavier, Cyclops, Dr Gray, Wolverine
No!
Wolverine
Rogue seems to have run off. Do you think she took my stabbing of her personally?
Professor Xavier
I'll use Cerebro to find her.
Cyclops
Looks like astro metrics.
Professor Xavier
Just beam, I mean go to the train station and get her.
Magneto
I know the metal on your bones is neither steel or iron but I'm still going to Magneto your ass.
Wolverine
Your name is misleading.
Magneto completely wipes the floor with Wolverine, showing that our chief hero is completely useless against the chief villain.
Dr Gray
The professor's hurt I will use Cerebro to find Rogue.
Wolverine
What if Magneto's hiding her mind with a helmet as well?
Dr Gray
Ummm...
Cyclops
What if it causes another dangerous mutation in you.
Dr Gray
Seems unlikely.
The X Men head to stop Magneto at the Statue of Liberty. Very subtle. They get into a few minor fights.
Toad
Let me do a Darth Maul twirl.
Star Wars fans
Hehehe excellent.
Storm
I'm going to torture you with an awful one liner about toads and lightning.
Toad
Please, please kill me now.
Mystique
I'm going to fight you? Even though you heal as soon as I cause any damage, how pointless.
Wolverine
Yeh but it gives me a fight scene.
After they've defeated the goons, Magneto captures the entire X Men team in 30 seconds.
Dr Gray
If you had done that 10 minutes ago you could have saved Toad and Mystique a lot of trouble.
Magneto
Yeh, well now your kind of restrained, I'm going to carry out the next stage of my plan.
Wolverine escapes and has another fight with Sabretooth which has been given a little bit more money.
Cyclops
We need to get up to that torch.
Wolverine
Send me. I'm the only one who's completely useless against Magneto.
Cyclops
Makes sense.
Wolverine manages to stop Magneto and save Rogues life. What a guy.
Wolverine
I didn't really need the others help, honest. Now professor I need answers.
Professor Xavier
Here you go Logan, some directions to the sequel. Or you could just wait a few years longer for your origins movie.
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced
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