Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes: First Draft Parody Script

As another movie I enjoyed I decided to take a slightly different approach. Highlighting more of what I liked than usual to make this a more rounded review.

Who needs Red Bull?

Opens with a scene of apes being chased and captured in the jungle.

Charlton Heston

Hmm there’s something familiar about all this. Did they really need to reference the

original so early on?

Cut to Gen Sys pharmaceutical company.

Will Rodman

This chimpanzee might hold the key to curing Alzheimer’s. You must approve human testing.

Steven Jacobs

I can’t approve that alone who do you think I am? Just make sure the meeting with the board goes smoothly.

It doesn’t. Bright Eyes escapes as the facility has just two inept ape handlers to control her.

Steven Jacobs

That was a disaster and I assume her violence was caused by the drug so destroy them all. I always think caution is best.

Will Rodman

Well I hope your attitude towards caution doesn’t change over the years.

Robert Franklin

Actually the drug had nothing to do with it. So the movie can’t use it as a simple explanation for the violence of the apes. This is actually going to be interesting.

Will Rodman

Indeed. Well I’ll do some emotional human ape interaction by becoming this babies father.

Robert Franklin

That could be weird.

Will Rodman

Trust me and the animators.

Caesar grows up showing his advanced intelligence. Which naturally leads to increased curiosity but Will somehow manages to keep his super advanced pet secret. Until Caesar decides to try riding a bike. Thankfully we don’t see him ride it as it would look ridiculous.

Caroline

Hi I could be useful to you in studying your chimp.

Will Rodman

I’d prefer you as love interest. My only friends appear to be my father and a chimp yet I am still a socially likeable person.

Caroline

Ok but I feel obliged to show some concern that you’re playing God.

Will Rodman

No need to state the obvious, I work for a company called Gen Sys. It’s part of the job description.

Cut to five years later.

TV report

And the Icarus has entered mars orbit.

Will Rodman

They really shouldn’t have those missions something bad always happens. And why does it look like the command module from the Apollo missions? The astronauts would waste away making such a long trip in weightlessness.

Charles Rodman

I’m getting ill again. Son I need you to use your magic to heal me again over night

Will Rodman

That wasn’t magic it was science… kind of. Besides your  immune system is fighting the virus cure.

Charles Rodman

A virus cure? Haven’t you ever seen a movie about the human apocalypse?

Will Rodman

Well I’m taking precautions. Testing it at home, alone with no other medial support… I think I should talk to Jacobs.

Steven Jacobs

You’re still obsessed over a virus you created 8 years ok? Actually that’s all you do I really should get round to firing you.

Will Rodman

But the cure works my father is proof. Sort of… I just need to make a stronger version.

Steven Jacobs

Well you may have withheld this amazing breakthrough from your own company but I’ll still trust you.

*****

Charles Rodman

I fancy a drive.

Hunsiker

Hey get out of my car fool.

Will Rodman

You’ve been my neighbour all these years and you don’t know about my Alzheimer’s?

Hunisiker

I may have been reasonable before. I didn’t report it when Caeser was running loose and scaring my kids but this time it’s my car that’s in danger.

Caeser attacks him and horrifyingly appears to bite his finger off and chew on it. However later Hunisiker still has finger and is a nice neighbour again even confronting a possible burglar outside Will’s house? He must have been having a bad day. Caeser gets locked up in a primate sanctuary.

Dodge

Welcome to the mad house. Where I bring girls because I think the site of cruelly contained apes will make them fancy me more.

Caeser

Stupid human.

Maurice the Orangatan

Hey I can sign too.

Caeser

What? You’re an intelligent ape too? Without needing the virus? But that goes against everything else the movie’s been saying and for no real reason.

Maurice the Orangatan

Hey I can be your prime mate.

Caeser

Your not clever enough and some intelligent apes would be useful. I’ll go and get the smarterer…  I mean smartening virus. Good job Will leaves the highly secret and dangerous virus in his fridge next to his beers.

Back at the research lab.

Will Rodman

Let’s test this stronger virus with me being the only one who knows what I’m doing.

Robert Franklin

Really? It’s in gaseous form shouldn’t we have more protection? There must be company guidelines on this sort of thing.

Will Rodman

Don’t get in a panic you might knock off your mask. Oh you already have. Hey I just thought of how I can get Caeser I’m sure you can wait.

*****

Brian Cox

You’ve only just thought to try bribing me? We’ve been keep the equivalent of a young human locked up with dumb animals for weeks.

Caesar closes the door on Will.

Will Rodman

You might be right but I’ll but I won’t spend time trying to explain myself. I’ll j

Ust go and mope off camera.

Caesar stages his escape in a wy that could have easily failed despite all the planning he’s apparently done.

Dodge

Get your filthy paws off me you dirty ape. Oh I enjoyed saying that, did I deliver it as well as Charlton Heston?

Caesar

No!

Dodge

He can talk he can talk.

Caesar

I can sing!

Dodge

Talking is all I can handle for the moment.

The apes escape through the roof and the great music from the trailer makes one of its sadly few appearances.

Rocket

To NewYork!

Caesar

What? No. We’re going to the Redwood forest. You have to admire the writer’s restraint in not setting this movie in New York though. But first we need to go to the zoo then we’ll go and freak out Jacobs. It will be fun.

Policeman #1

The apes are moving around so fast we can’t catch up.

Policeman #2

If only we could go crashing through buildings like they do.

Policeman #1

Yeah. Wait why aren’t they all horribly injured from crashing through glass?

Policeman #2

This day is weird enough without thinking about things like that.

The apes arrive at the Golden Gate Bridge which is luckily shrouded in mist.

Police chief

We’ll send in the mounted police first.

Mounted Police

What if there are gorillas in the mist?

Police Chief

You have batons don’t you? We’ll stay here with the guns.

Koba

Die!

Caeser

No we can’t kill them this is not the 70s version.

Koba

You’re right it wont be as easy as Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

Koba lifts up a gun.

Koba

From my cold dead hands!

Caeser

Don’t be such an animal, put that gun down.

The apes overrun the police in some good action shots. Then the helicopter closes in.

Caesar

This is like David facing Goliath where’s my slingshot? Ah this chain will do.

Caesar takes out the guns but Buck, not to be out done, leaps onto the helicopter.

Buck

Yes we can overcome advanced technology… dying in the process… oh my I hope something else can take care of these humans for us.

The apes reach Redwood Forest.

Will Rodman

Caesar!

Caesar

You’ve been yelling my name like that the whole movie. I thought from the trailer it would come at a dramatic moment.

Will Rodman

I just want attention you out shine me with your acting. But you can’t stay here you’ll be hunted down.

Caesar

But these monkeys can share cookies surely we can share a world or at least a wood?

Will Rodman

You really think you can hide here? Well maybe you can we appear to have bigger problems. But we’ll blame Jacobs his motivations weren’tt good like mine.

The movie closes with a graphic showing the virus spreading around the world. Apparently not one country tries to stop the virus from entering.

Caesar

Stupid humans.

Fin

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