Opens with little Jimmy in an old mansion.
Audience
Jimmy? Thank goodness he changed his name to Wolverine.
Little Jimmy kills a stranger who is actually his father.
Little Jimmy
No that's not true that's impossible!
Darth Stranger
Search your feelings you know it to be true.
Little Jimmy
Nooooooooooo!
Little Jimmy runs out into the night. The film goes into a montage of Jimmy and Victor fighting in several wars. Despite the illogical decision of not air dropping this invincible pair into Berlin to end the war, this is very entertaining. In fact we would like to see more. Instead this is followed by15 minutes of Wolverine chopping wood in Canada.
Jimmy
I'm so happy, even with the nightmares. Sorry about almost stabbing you in my sleep though.
Kayla Silverfox
That's OK darling. It's a shame I don't have any telepathic powers that could stop your nightmares and keep me from harm.
Kayla gets 'killed' by Sabretooth. Wolverine screams no as the camera pulls away from him. The audience tries to forget this as quickly as possible.
Stryker
Your not powerful enough to defeat Sabretooth, so lets stick some metal on your bones and hope you don't die. It is the same metal we stole from that village we slaughtered, but there's no need to feel the guilt you felt back then.
Jimmy
Sure no problem. I would also like to change my name to Wolverine.
Stryker
Good idea Jimmy.
Wolverine has his entire skeleton covered in adamantium in just 3 minutes.
Stryker
That was quick. Right now wipe his memory.
Zero
Wouldn't it have been better to do that before making him invincible?
Wolverine hears Stryker underwater, and escapes naked. Because Director Gavin Hood is worried he isn't doing enough to please the female audience.
Stryker
Hunt him down.
Zero
You want me to shoot down a man who we've just made impervious to bullets?
Stryker
Yep.
Zero
Your not holding back any adamantium bullets from me are you? I don't want to sound paranoid but a name like Zero doesn't do much for my self esteem.
Stryker
No, no of course not.
Zero
OK, what could go wrong?
Wolverine runs across Mr and Mrs Kent on their farm.
Wolverine
Thanks for feeding and clothing me, even though I'm clearly dangerous. Still I can't be as scary as that Marland Brando head that keeps trying to talk to me.
Mr Kent
Yeh I can't get him to shut up. Here have my sons old jacket he prefers wearing red capes these days.
Zero comes to kill Wolverine but apparently having metal on your bones also makes your muscles stronger.
Audience
Wow this film sure has a lot of action.
Director Gavin Hood
I'm trying to make sure it's not as boring as Watchmen.
Audience
Thank you, thank you!
Wolverine
I can't believe you killed that old couple. Still at least I got a nice bike out of it.
Director Gavin Hood decides its time for a boxing match to show Wolverine as the plucky under dog.
Audience
Sigh, just show us Gambit already.
Gambit
I was just put into the trailer to excite the loyal fans. I'm not at all important to the film.
Wolverine
Why on earth did you interrupt my fight? I could have killed Sabretooth.
Gambit
Good question, I'd better help you to make up for it.
They go to Strykers research island. Where a bunch of mutants with poor motives are helping him.
Stryker
Your wife is not dead.
Wolverine
Cool, I mean oh I'm so conflicted.
Wolverine frees the over mutants among them is Cyclops.
Cyclops
Hooray screen time! At last I get to do something useful.
Wolverine
I...
Kayla Silverfox
Shhh don't say anything within the earshot of Cyclops.
Wolverine
Oh yeah sorry.
Stryker sends a remote controlled Deadpool to kill Wolverine.
Deadpool
I have the powers of ten mutants. However I've lost my original power of super fast reflexes.
Sabretooth
Lucky for us.
Wolverine
You've come to help me brother?
Sabretooth
I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on. Lean on me.
Wolverine
Well could you define your character please? I don't want you trying to kill me again in the next movie.
Stryker
Die, Die!
Scientist
Aren't you worried that all this fighting could cause a Chernobyl like disaster.
Stryker
I'm pretty sure this film is set before 1989.
Scientist
That isn't very reassuring.
Wolverine and Sabretooth defeat Deadpool. Sabretooth jumps down from the tower apparently causing him to become mute and forget Wolverine is his brother.
George Lucas
You should wipe the droids... I mean Sabretooth's memory as well.
Director Gavin Hood
Don't I need to have an explanation for that?
George Lucas
Nah. Stryker shoots Wolverine with Adamantium bullets somehow knowing this will cause amnesia.
Wolverine wakes up with amnesia but no other brain damage. He forgets Kayla and so does the audience.
Gambit
Convenient.
Wolverine
Get lost.
Gambit
But I'm the only one who has any idea who you are.
Wolverine
Don't complicate things. Besides I think the mystery could really work for my character. Until people see this movie anyway.
Professor Xavier
Scott I want you to become a pupil at my school. Thankfully your eyes are bandaged, so you don't see me looking like Gollum. Even my mental powers can't comprehend why they didn't just show the back of my head.
Cyclops
Thanks a lot! This has brought my character full circle as well. I was really hoping for my own origins movie.
Fin
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced
With Out Permission.
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