Opens with the darkest part of the movie, the title screen.
Batman
Look at my wheels I bet you want a car?
Robin
Are you kidding me it has one seat and no protective covering you may as well ride a bike.
Batman
What do you want from me a tank?
*****
Batman
I’m Batman.
Mr Freeze
Ice to meet you.
Batman
That’s not funny.
Mr Freeze
It gets worse.
Robin
I’m Robin.
Mr Freeze
See?
Batman
Whoa ice hockey goons. We’ll be America you be Canada… no wait.
Mr Freeze
Ha ha I win. .I’ll kill you next time.
Batman
Why kill me now.
Mr Freeze
Do not try to bring cold logic into this movie.
*****
Pamela Isley
Your experiments are horrific.
Dr Woodrue
And your attempts to mix animals and plants aren’t?
Pamela Isley
I guess my idea that plants are worth more than humans suggests that I’m smoking something, but that is against my ethics.
Dr Woodrue
I don’t think I can work with you, it’s best to kill you in a super power inducing way.
*****
Bruce Wayne
And there’s the back story for Mr Freeze. We don’t want to get into it too much because… well because we have such a complex plot to get through…
Dick Grayson
Alfred are you ill?
Alfred
When I’m running around this huge mansion doing all the work myself? Certainly not. And I’m supposed to be the most important person in Mr Wayne’s life.
Bruce Wayne
Yes, whatever, I’ll have dinner in my room tonight Alfred.
Cut to the secret lair of Mr Freeze. Despite needing a place that needs to be frozen the police are completely inept at tracking him down.
Mr Freeze
Come on everybody sing along.
Audience
We hate this movie.
Director Joel Schumacher
Come on guys can’t you accept this as a fun almost parody like version of Batman.
Audience
No!
Director Joel Schumacher
Well I sure missed the mark with this one. Man I miss the 60’s.
*****
Alfed
May I introduce Barbara who is Commisioner Gordon’s daughter.
Barbara Wilson
Actually I’m your niece.
Alfred
You are? Wonderful more responsibility for me.
Barbara Wilson
You see my parents were killed by….
Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson
By a psychopathic killer?
Barbara Wilson
No it was an accident.
Bruce Wayne
Oh, well I can’t see how we’ll work out your motivation then.
*****
Goon
Sir look at this headline.
Mr Freeze
Do you mind I’m having a character moment here.
Goon
Wow that’s more than Two Face got in the last movie.
Mr Freeze
Fanicetic isn’t it?
Goon
If only you could drop the stupid puns you might be preferred as a villain as well.
*****
Poison Ivy
I’m Poison Ivy. You can still trust me despite the name, honest.
Batman
Sounds good but you look familiar. If only your eyebrows weren’t hidden by thin plants maybe I’d recognise you.
*****
Batman
Despite the fact your bike can skid as fast as my car drives, I’m stopping you.
Robin
But you need me.
Batman
Actually I’ve somehow caught Freeze by myself.
Robin
Oh.
Alfred
Time for a emotional scene sir?
Bruce Wayne
It’s bound to be interrupted… wait were getting to go on. Wow Joel Schumacher actually learnt something from the last movie. But forgot a lot of other stuff
*****
Bane
Grrr.
Poison Ivy
Bane I really need a plan surely there’s more to you?
Bane
Grrr.
Poison Ivy
*Sigh* ok fine just beat up these thugs.
*****
Barbara Wilson
Fancy a dangerous night on the town?
Dick Grayson
Been there done that. My characters already developed haha.
Barbara Wilson
Yeah well I’m more important this time. I’m here to rescue Alfred from this abysmal life he’s always spoken so highly of.
Dick Grayson
I’m sure he’ll be thankful.
*****
Poison Ivy
I’m here to rescue you.
Mr Freeze
How can our plans possibly work together? Are plants fans of the cold?
Poison Ivy
We’ll worry about that later for now let us escape.
Mr Freeze
Okay lets go through the wall.
Poison Ivy
Have you seen how high up we are?
Director Joel Schumacher
Haven’t you noticed physics don’t apply in this movie?
Poison Ivy
In a franchise that has the one super hero that’s meant to be limited by the real world limitations. Great.
*****
Commissioner Gordon
Glad you made it Batman and Robin. Hey do you realise you got a side kick at the same time Bruce Wayne got a new house mate? Funny that.
Batman
You realise you’re still completely useless, funny that.
Commissioner Gordon
Shh, I don’t want to be replaced.
*****
Bruce Wayne
Fancy settling our differences and working together?
Dick Grayson
Sure. We managed to in the last movie. Still I guess the tension has giving me some depth.
Bruce Wayne
No it hasn’t.
*****
Computer Alfred
Hello Barbara before I died I wanted to encourage you into a really dangerous line of work which ruins the lives of those who do it.
Barbara Wilson
Uncle you’re the greatest.
Computer Alfred
You’re welcome I hope you can fight in high heels.
Barbara Wilson
What beautiful movie heroine can’t?
*****
Robin
Sucker you’re poison didn’t work because of rubber my lips.
Poison Ivy
Great trap kissing me for no reason so that I can overpower you anyway.
Batgirl
Not so fast.
Batman
Oh great not another one. Look I just don’t think you and Robin can strike fear into the criminals of Gotham like I do.
Batgirl
You mean like you used to do? Besides without us you might get your back broken or something.
Batman
Ok fine, but in future you need to make a more dramatic entrance.
Batgirl
I dealt with Poison Ivy didn’t I?
Audience
Great so now Batman can’t defeat even her on his own.
*****
Mr Freeze
You can’t stop me I’m going to Freeze the city.
Batman
Why?
Mr Freeze
I don’t know it just seems to suit my character.
They fight Freeze who has lost his goons and most of his fighting ability.
Batman
So we’ve melted the city and everyone will be ok. Doesn’t make sense but I guess even stupid ideas need a climax.
Robin
And we managed the important job of stopping Bane it’s good job he wasn’t with Poison Ivy.
Batman
Freeze can you cure my friend?
Mr Freeze
Sure why not?
Batman
Wow thanks for turning into a super villain I might not have found a cure otherwise.
*****
Alfred
I’m alive hoorah.
Bruce Wayne
Great because with three of us you now have a lot more work to do.
Alfred
Marvellous just marvellous, I think this series should return to basics. I’m getting to old for this.
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced
With Out Permission.
2 comments:
Looks like another masterpiece....Do you publish any of thse parodies somewhere..? You shouldm, for all these fans of moviewslike these
That about sums it up:
Audience
We hate this movie.
Your version is an improvement of the original script. :)
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