A review and parody of Batman Begins. A movie which showed everyone how reboots should be done.
Opens with a young Bruce Wayne running aroun d with his only friend in the world.
Rachel Dawes
I’m surprised you don’t have more friends seeing that your the son of a billionaire.
Bruce Wayne
It’s always bothered me; I thought they’d want to visit me in my exciting mansion. With suits of armour, ancient spear heads, bats… Uh oh.
Cut to the present where Bruce Wayne is in a jail.
Ra’s al Ghul
If you want purpose or at the very least some decent combat skills, come to the top of the mountain tomorrow. Bring flowers. Our leader likes flowers.
Bruce Wayne
Can you tell me which road to take up the mountain?
Ra’s al Ghul
You must discover the path yourself Mr Wayne.
Bruce Wayne
Nothing’s easy.
*****
Fake Ra’s al Ghul
Welcome Mr Wayne it is time to begin your training along with a series of flash backs.
Bruce Wayne
But I’m tired, why do you live all the way up here anyway?
Fake Ra’s al Ghul
Ninjas enjoy snow boarding too and soon so will you.
Flashback to a young Bruce Wayne, we get to see how close he was to his parents and how they were murdered. We get only 5 minutes of this so it can’t be that important to his origin story.
Thomas Wayne
This opera’s exciting isn’t it Bruce?
Bruce Wayne
Why am I the only kid in the audience then? Can we go now?
Thomas Wayne
Sure we’ll take the back entrance; there can’t possibly any danger for a rich family walking down these alleys in the middle of the night.
*****
James Gordon
Wow I’m in this movie already? And I’m ageless, fantastic… I mean sorry about your parents Bruce.
Young Bruce Wayne
Don’t worry it’s a good set up for why I like and trust you.
Commissioner Loebe
Good news son we caught him already. I was worried it would take longer than a few hours and cause a lot of unwanted media pressure.
Young Bruce Wayne
I don’t think I like you though.
*****
Ra's al Ghul
So you feel guilty about your parents?
Bruce Wayne
My anger out weighs my guilt.
Ra's al Ghul
Good, gooood. You’re anger makes you strong.
*****
Ra's al Ghul
You almost shot the man who killed your parents and you’re surprised that we’re into executing criminals?
Bruce Wayne
Well I still can’t get my last conversation with Rachel out of my head. She’s prettier than you are. She’s also not completely nuts like you, something I should have noticed when I entered your mountain hide out.
Ra's al Ghul
So you won’t kill in the name of justice?
Bruce Wayne
No I won’t kill anyone… Unless they’re unable to escape this building which I’m about to blow up really easily.
Bruce Wayne escapes saving the life of Ra's al Ghul in the process. Because this is an origins story and he doesn’t yet realise how things like this tend to come back to haunt you.
Alfred Pennyworth
Good to see that you are alive Sir. I hope the 8 year absence has allowed you to finally deal with your issues.
Bruce Wayne
Actually I plan to dress like a bat and fight crime.
Alfred Pennyworth
Oh my. You realise Sir that you could afford some of the best therapists in the world?
*****
William Earle
Wayne Enterprise is going public; there is nothing you can do about it.
Bruce Wayne
Sure you keep believing that. Now can you introduce me to a friendly overworked scientist?
*****
Batman
Why hasn’t anyone stopped Falcone?
Sergeant Gordon
We can’t just go in, guns blazing, with the hope of finding some evidence. This movie is meant to be realistic you know.
Batman
If you want to be realistic shave off the moustache.
Sergeant Gordon
You have 10 seconds to get out of my sight.
Bruce Wayne
I want a set of wheels, the Tumbler looks good.
Lucius Fox
You realise I didn’t build that thing by myself right? If you start driving around in it someone’s going remember where it came from.
Bruce Wayne
Do you want to design and build one from scratch?
Lucius Fox
Safe driving Mr Wayne.
*****
Carmine Falcone
I’m here to over see things from my car.
Detective Flass
Great I’m really glad you took the risk to come here and do nothing.
Goon
Run we’re being attacked.
Carmine Falcone
Why did I only bring a shotgun? Ahh!
Batman
I’m Batman.
Carmine Falcone
Really? Nice voice, it's intimidating and will help stop anyone from recognising who you are.
Batman
Thanks. Hey flattery will get you nowhere; I’m going to use you to send a signal to the crime world.
*****
Rachel Dawes
Wow Bruce you’re back after all these years.
Bruce Wayne
Were you concerned about me?
Rachel Dawes
Not at all, even though the last time I saw you, was outside Falcone’s club.
Bruce Wayne
Wow nothing worries you does it?
Batman discovers the other drugs are stored somewhere in the narrows. Seeing as this is such a large area, he decides he’ll easily be able to find them by going building by building.
Dr Crane
Fear me!
Batman
Fear me!
Dr Crane
Fear me!
Batman
Fear me!
Scarecrow
Enough! I’m going to put my mask on now; we need to move this story up a gear. Here have some fear gas.
Batman
Oh no bats, maybe I still do need therapy.
*****
Rachel Dawes
I’ve come alone to confront you about Falcone… I shouldn’t have said I was alone should I?
Dr Crane
No.
Batman
I’m here for another confusing fight scene.
Scarecrow
I’ll just get you with the fear gas again.
Batman
Actually I’ve found a way to make myself immune to it even when you haven’t. Ha!
*****
Sergeant Gordon
Batman I’m here to help, I want my part in this movie to mean something.
Batman
This is fantastic for back up I have you, Alfred, Lucius and now Bats. How did Michael Keaton ever cope alone?
Sergeant Gordon
Glad I could help… by carrying Rachel down a few stairs... How about getting a sidekick?
Batman
No, I think that would be a bad idea.
Batman takes his Tumbler on a wild chase across the roof tops. He crushes some police cars and drops spikes that cause vehicles to flip rather than just have there tires punctured.
Police, camera, action
Wow I wish we could get footage like this.
Batman
Don’t worry Rachel we’ll make it. I just hope I’m not breaking my one rule in this insane chase.
Rachel Dawes
Why didn’t you just bring the anti dote with you?
Batman
I haven’t yet invented the hold anything for every occasion utility belt. I guess I could have kept the drugs in my glove box though.
*****
Alfred Pennyworth
How did you make it past the police?
Batman
Stealth mode.
Alfred Pennyworth
Sir we don’t want to take the invisible car route, that almost destroyed the Bond franchise.
Batman
No no it’s highly technical and plausible. I just turned off the vehicles lights.
Alfred Pennyworth
Right… I guess I’d better take Rachel home. Hopefully she doesn’t wake up on the way back it ,could lead to some awkward questions.
Ra’s al Ghul returns and burns down Wayne Manor. He doesn’t directly kill Bruce though. He didn’t spend all these years planning to destroy Gotham City so that he could do it intelligently.
Alfred Pennyworth
Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.
Bruce Wayne
I wonder if Joel Schumacher is listening?
*****
Batman
We need to stop the train before it reaches Wayne Towers.
Sergeant Gordon
Easy, I’ll just call up and get them to cut the tracks power.
Batman
That’s not exciting enough and it won’t endanger anyone’s life. Besides I want a fist fight with Ra’s al Ghul.
*****
Ra’s al Ghul
You again!
Batman
I’m here to stop you.
Ra’s al Ghul
You don’t need to be on the train to do that, but I appreciate it that you made the effort.
Batman
It will give you a good death scene.
Ra’s al Ghul
But you don’t kill people.
Batman
Yeah but I don’t have to save you either.
Ra’s al Ghul
Sure there’s nothing morally ambiguous about that.
*****
Batman
Shall we shoe horn in a bit of last minute romantic interest.
Rachel Dawes
People who’ve been friends since they were kids normally find that weird. Besides I’m not sure which is your true identity Batman or Bruce Wayne.
Batman
I guess you’re right. At least I can rely on you to have a stable identity.
*****
Lieutenant Gordon
So shall we deliver a perfect set up for the next film?
Batman
Ooh the Joker. I like that.
Fin
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced
With Out Permission.
2 comments:
I hope the 8 year absence has allowed you to finally deal with your issues. ... Actually I plan to dress like a bat and fight crime. When you think about it, it's kind of ridiculous, but when I was a kid I thought it was a cool idea. What I didn't like about this new batman was how he used his voice: 'I'm BATMAN!' I just didn't buy it. Good thing Clooney wasn't wearing that suit.
Geez, I think you sparked an interest in me....Sounds great...thanks
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