Opens with a street mugging.
Woman
I am so afraid, how am I meant to cope with all these criminals on the street.
Batman
You no longer have to fear. I am a vigilante here to do away with lawlessness.
Woman
Isn’t that a bit hypocritical?
Muggers
Look man everyone is against you. Why do you bother?
Batman
I’m Batman!
Muggers
Yes, but why are you Batman? We could do with a film just to explain that decision.
Batman
Humph that’s never going to happen.
*****
Commissioner Gordon
Crime, crime, maybe I could handle this if I was younger and slimmer.
Harvey Dent
A lot slimmer.
Commissioner Gordon
Whoa Harvey you’re black.
Harvey Dent
Is that a problem?
Tim Burton
Not as long as I’m directing.
Joel Schumacher
Umm…
*****
Grissom’s girlfriend
Are you in love with me Jack?
Jack Napier
Of course not.
Grissom’s girlfriend
Then why are you risking your life to sleep with me?
Jack Napier
Because I have nothing to fear from that Joker.
*****
Knox
Hello mind if I flirt with you?
Vicky Vale
You’re name is short for obnoxious isn’t it?
Knox
Yes but you’re still stuck with me for the entire movie.
Vicky Vale
Do you know who Bruce Wayne is?
Bruce Wayne
You’re such a great reporter that you didn’t research the most famous man in Gotham?
Vicky Vale
It will make for a cute introduction later.
Cut to the robbery of Gotham chemical plant where Jack has forgotten to post look outs.
Regular Goon
Oh no we’re surrounded by police…. Who have about as many men as we do?
Bob the Goon
Don’t worry I’m sure Jack has an ace up his sleeve.
Jack Napier
Err run.
Regular Goon
But they don’t even out number us.
Batman
Good job I turned up then.
Jack Napier
What the? You look like a freak.
Batman
And you look really boring; I guess you’re not the main villain after all.
Jack Napier
That won’t do, let’s fight above this vat of chemicals.
Jack falls into the conveniently dangerous but not lethal chemicals. Batman uses a smoke bomb to make his escape. The smoke fails to hide him but still makes for a nice visual.
Grissom
Mmm a nice relaxing shower in my office.
Joker
You set me up over a woman?
Grissom
And for insulting me. I have a reputation to maintain. I am the king after all you’re just a lowly jack.
Joker
No now I’m the Joker, hahahaha. I wish I could control my laughter so that I don’t laugh at jokes like that.
*****
Knox
How are things with the boyfriend?
Vicky Vale
He brushed me off. I’m going to stalk him with my camera as I still can’t bothered to look into his famous history.
Cut to the gangsters doing a press conference. We see another reason for Bruce Wayne’s deep anger. Street mimes.
Joker
I kill a group of well known crime bosses. IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE GOTHAM PRESS. And Batman gets the headlines?
Bob the Goon
Well you did kind of do Batman’s job for him.
Joker
Fine I’ll poison the city supplies. Robbing news reporters of their cosmetics will get their attention.
*****
Bruce Wayne
Time to break out the Bat chemistry set.
Alfred
I’m sure we’ll do better than all of the best scientific minds in Gotham combined.
The Joker takes a bunch of disgruntled art students to attack Gotham’s art gallery.
Vicky Vale
Please spare me.
Joker
I’m not planning to kill you.
Vicky Vale
I mean please spare me from that Prince music.
Joker
But I just bought the album.
Batman
Never fear I’m here to rescue you with my flash bat mobile.
Vicky Vale
It’s really long for a car with just two seats.
Batman
It needs space for the rocket at the back.
Vicky Vale
But it’s no faster than the other cars. What do you need a rocket for? Driving across Gotham’s roof tops?
Batman
FINE! We’ll walk.
Vicky Vale
No I didn’t mean to offend you… this is stupid.
Batman’s decision to take a stroll during a dangerous chase almost leads to his death. But he eventually over powers and beats up the Joker’s goons so Batman is happy.
Batman
Now to the Bat Cave to get rid of that photographic proof of my identity.
Vicky Vale
I think I’ll be able to recognise the location of your cave if I’m awake in the car with you.
Batman
Well I’m sure an ambitious reporter like you won’t take advantage of the knowledge.
*****
Joker
Excuse me. Have you ever watched The X Factor on a cold lonely night?
Bruce Wayne
Err no why?
Joker
It won’t kill you but it will certainly make you stranger. This gun will kill you though…. unless you’re the title character.
Bruce Wayne
Or unless I put a thin tea tray over my chest hoping it will stop a bullet.
*****
Alfred
Time for a flash back sir?
Bruce Wayne
Just a quick one, no need to get bogged down in my back story. Whoa Jack Napier killed my parents… and I’m only now figuring this out despite his first name being shouted out right in front of me.
The Joker gets his carnival going. Despite being a proven murderer no one thinks to arrest him.
Batman
I could do with at least one competent ally. Where’s Commissioner Gordon, having an all you can eat buffet?
Joker
Batman how did you design and construct that plane without anyone discovering your identity? Oh just come on then, I want you to do it. Hit me! Hit me!
Despite being fired at by bullets, missiles and a few copies of Batman and Robin. The Joker remains untouched, whilst Batman crashes.
Joker
Looks like it comes down to a good old fashioned fist fight then. Hey you have armour that’s not fair.
Batman
Well what happened to all your guns?
Joker
Err…
The Joker decides that hanging from the ladder is the safest form of escape, but of course he falls.
Joker
Hahahaha… oh oh you’re actually going to let me die. Ahh!
*****
Batman
Finally I am accepted by the citizens of Gotham. Here’s a signal if you ever need me.
Commissioner Gordon
What if we need you during the day?
Batman
I’ll leave the logistics to you. I need to go strike a heroic pose to close.
Fin
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced
With Out Permission.
1 comment:
Whatever you write, they are all very good
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