Batman Returns: First Draft Parody Script

 Batman Returns is a good film but I don't think it matches up to the first. Nolan had the right idea. Watching it again I realised how dark it is.

Opens with the Penguin’s birth. His parents decide to kill him, knowing that the Gotham police have a high level of tolerance for murderers.

Penguins

Oh how cute a baby. It must be able to survive on fish so we’ll raise it.

The Penguin survives his upbringing to plan his revenge on Gotham using a circus army. They are all very excited to have an audience again. 

Max Shreck

Stilt walkers, unicycle’s, fire breathing, this is rather exciting. Wait where are the clowns?

Penguin

Everybody misses the Joker. Why won’t anyone give me a chance. *Sob*

Max Shreck

Look I didn’t mean to offend you. No no don’t attack me here take my son.

Max Shreck’s son

Man you are such an ogre.

Commissioner Gordan

Don’t worry I’m here to bravely tell someone to signal Batman.

Batman arrives and kills a bunch of the Penguin’s goons and quite likely a few friendly street performers too.

Batman

Man I’m heroic, and Dark and brooding. Always brooding.

 *****

Penguin

I’ve collected some bizarre and non submittable evidence to bribe you into helping me.

Max Shreck

No need for that, it is my pleasure to play the villain in a movie where everyone else makes me look normal.

*****

Selina Kyle

So you’re going to bribe me rather than kill me then?

Max Shreck

No I’m going to kill you. This movie could use a villain that actually comes across as a physical threat.

Selina Kyle

Ah you killed me. Grrrr!

Tim Burton

Do you want to be known as Catwoman or The Bitch?

Selina Kyle

Meow.

Tim Burton

That’s better.

Selina Kyle

Good, now that I’m in an uncontrollable rage I will create a really complicated outfit.

*****

Penguin

Oh I’m so tragic and alone.

Batman

So am I. But I still don’t like you.

Penguin

Never mind at least I know my name. Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot.

Batman

Well you wont become any more popular with a name like that.

Penguin

That is it! You are now my hated enemy.

The Red Triangle Gang terrorise the streets of Gotham, so Batman turns up to fight them in a comical fashion.

Batman

Ah yes this takes me back to the sixties. I just miss the textualised soundeffects.

Cut to the Catwoman who sumersaults though a store like she’s doing the most impressive acrobatics in the world.

Cut back to Batman

Biff. Bash. BANG!

Batman

Oh this is so satisfying.

Audience

But Batman doesn’t kill people.

Batman

Would you prefer Arnold Schwarzenegger, bad catch phrases and nipples on the bat suit?

Audience

No.

Batman

Shut up then.

*****

Batman

Wow you’re a tough opponent to fight.

Catwoman

But I’m just a secretary. What about all your ninja training?

Batman

My what?

*****

Penguin

So with my unknown history and complete lack of experience I will make the perfect Mayor.

Gotham Voters

Yay.

Catwoman

Want to be partners.

Penguin

Do I?

Catwoman

I mean crime partners.

Penguin

Why?

Catwoman

Just go with it, it wont be for long.

Batman gets set up for murder in a really contrived way, but everyone believes it and turns against him. 

Penguin

They hate you.

Batman

I’m Batman! Batman!

Penguin

They don’t care. Now let me hijack your mechanical car with a remote device.

Batman

How can you do that?

Penguin

How can you interrupt my candidate speech with a recording.

Batman

I see your point, best not to ask questions.

*****

Penguin

Now my sweet it is time to betray you after we’ve accomplished nothing together.

Catwoman

Great another fall from some great height. I really should swipe  Batmans utility belt next time.

*****

Penguin

Hmm I lost the Mayor campaign and I’m no good in a fist fight… I know I’ll kill all of Gotham’s firstborn sons.

Penguin’s Henchman

But sir that would take months assuming none of us are caught.

Penguin

Not with my super duper gee wiz army of penguins.

Audience

How on earth can Tim Burton prefer this to his first Batman Movie?

Batman manages to stop the penguins with his Bat jamming penguins device. He then chases the Penguin in his Bat Boat.

Batman

My beautiful bat mobile was trashed so that I can use this boat for 2 minutes of screen time.

The Penguin holds up his umbrella.

Penguin

Will this cheer you up?

Batman

I can’t see how.

Penguin

Are you kidding it has so many applications. Like your utility belt but more useful when it rains.

Batman

Ooh lets share tech.

Penguin

No I’d rather kill you I just wanted to one up you in something.

Batman

Well despite being my weakest enemy ever I still need the help of bats to defeat you.

Penguin

Forgotten your training huh?

Batman

Everyone’s bringing that up.

Max Schreck

Hello I’m back after having nothing important to do, to give Catwoman a moral dilemma.

Catwoman

I have no dilemma. I just need to decide how kill you in a way that will be really painful for me as well.

She electrocutes Max Shreck sealing the movies status as the least family friendly in the series.

Alfred

Ready to go home sir?

Bruce Wayne

You know I’ve just realised it’s really stupid how you are my only ally. I need a partner or at least a competent Commissioner. Perhaps someone who knows how to build a tough bat mobile would be good as well.

Alfred

Maybe you could finish the film with a little character development sir.

Bruce Wayne

How? Ooh a cat something for me to care for, maybe that could show I’m developing a more caring side.

Alfred

Um yes quite.

*****

Catwoman

Ah the Bat signal, showing Batman is once again in Gotham’s favour as easily as he fell out of it. And I’m still alive to perhaps fight crime or continue as a villain.

Studio and advertisers

We’re going to have a hard time selling thismovie to kids.

Fin

 

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