Reasons To Love Rather Than Hate The X Men Movies

Effort made to make the universe believable

Bryan Singer went to great efforts to bring a sense of realism to a fantastical universe that has been well translated from the comic books.. If strange sci fi concepts put you off they are always well explained and are used to tell a story rather than dominate it.  This was lost slightly with X Men 3 and Wolverine but they still managed to keep the settings mostly recognizable and everyday.

Working as a team

Unlike most super hero movies X Men doesn’t follow one lone character but many varied characters. Team work allows us to see the different personalities, their strengths and their weaknesses. Their interaction also gives us greater insight into who they are and why they fight. Having to depend on others makes the characters more engaging and relatable as humans rather than just super beings.

Unique action

The combination of a team and a large variety of powers makes for some spectacular action. This brings us many unique scenes and situations which can have an unpredictable out come.

Strong female characters

Unlike the classic Lois Lane’s and Mary Jane’s the women in X Men are also strong characters and play key roles in a story rather than just reacting to it. There are few women super heroes but in the X Men series they play an equal part to the men and have some of the best story lines and powers.

Complex heroes and villains

One of X Mens greatest strength is the depth and complexity of its characters. Few of the mutants are black or white but come out as a shade of grey. Being neither purely good nor purely evil. They are given reasons for their action and we can understand what motivates them even if we disagree with them. The friendship/foe dynamic between Professor Xavier and Magneto is fascinating to watch and believable as their opposing views clash.

Other characters like Beast, Rogue, Cyclops, Night Crawler, Mystique give us a sense of the alienation they feel which a lot of the audience can relate to. Everyone can feel different and out of place at some point in their life.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

X Men First Class: First Draft Parody Script

Opens in 1944 with a recut of the first movie.

Younger Sebastian Shaw

Notice my thick German accent. Good ja?

Young Eric Lensherr

Perhaps. Are you going to keep it up for the whole movie?

Younger Sebastian Shaw

Nein!

We enter Xaviers huge mansion to see that him and Raven have a longer deeper history than him and Eric.

Young Xavier

Wow you can change shape and apparently you can double in size, it’s so delightful to meet you. Have something to eat.

Young Raven

Whoop whoop a place to live.

Young Xavier

I didn’t say that but hooray I’ve bought my first friend.

Cut to a Swiss bank

Swiss banker

Yes Nazis with gold we have no problem with that.

Eric Lensherr

I’m hunting Nazis.

Swiss banker

That is a problem. But would you still like us to look after the gold?

Audience

And we thought modern bankers were bad.

Cut to years later where Xavier is studying at Oxford university and Raven has followed him to waitress.

Xavier

Don’t you want to do some studies as well.

Mystique

Nah if I have ideas of my own I won’t be so easily influenced by other people.

Xavier

Good point. Ooh pretty ladies let me chat you up with my mutation line.

Pretty Ladies

Err maybe if we wanted to see you naked you would have to explain any abnormalities but until then…

Xavier

Oh forget this fun student nonsense, time for my character to become serious.

Cut to Shaws boat where Eric Lensherr’s approach is so stealthy even the telepath doesn’t notice him.

Eric Lensherr

I’m going to kill you.

White Queen

If you thought he was human you could have killed him when tearing apart his office when the movie began, what makes you think it’ll be easier now?

She knocks Lensherr into the water and Lensherr graps hold of the escaping submarine.

Xavier

Your thoughts betray my good man, try thinking about the fact you’re drowning.

Eric Lensherr

Oh of course silly me.

We cut to the research centre where we meet a super fast super strong mutant. Yet he’s the only mutant on the planet to wear glasses?

Hank McCoy

Hello I’m the nerdy mutant

Raven

So does that make you awkward with women also Hank?

Hank McCoy

That’s the stereotype fellow freak.

Raven

Don’t be so mean you beast.

Hank McCoy

Yes quite. Now Xavier I somehow anticipated a mutant like you would turn up one day so I’ve built you Cerebro.

Eric Lensherr

But I thought me and Charles built Cerebro?

Director Matthew Vaughn

Yes but I wanted it in this movie even if it isn’t really necessary.

Eric Lensherr

Yes the old prequel tradition of wasting opportunities strikes again.

Xavier and Lensherr go in search of some really boring mutants.

Audience

Where’s Gambit? We want Gambit?

Xavier

Hush we don’t want fantastic powers like the bad mutants do. We will after all outnumber them in the last fight. Spoils the tension a little but oh well.

Wolverine

At least you get me for a pointless cameo.

Xavier

Oh no please, not you again.

Wolverine

Could be worse. Might have been Stan Lee standing out like a sore thumb again.

Eric Lensherr

Could be better, could be no one.

*****

Darwin

For the sake of drinking time let’s just show our powers rather than bring them cleverly into the story.

Havoc

Well I’d better show mine before I have a Bacardi Breezer. My aim is a little off.

Sebastian Shaw

I’m here to break up this little party before it breaks apart the franchise. Who wants to join us? None of you has any real character motivations so someone must want to.

Angel Salvador joins him and despite this very poor result Sebastian is pleased.

Azazel

Can I get a line please? Darth Maul got more than this.

Darwin

So do I which being the 60’s I guess is dangerous.

Sebastian Shaw

Yes it is. Time to revisit an old movie stereotype.

Darwin dies. DARWIN! The one young mutant whose powers were actually intriguing.

Sebastian Shaw

See you losers later.

Havoc

I need another drink.

Xavier

I guess we really should have trained you.

Magneto

A bit late for that isn’t it. These kids are useless but now I have to give them credit for my name. It drives me mad.

Xavier

You have anger fear aggression. There useful but you need more. Anger and peace could make a powerful combination.

Magneto

Most wise you are.

Xavier

Yes I am now lets test the mutants by putting everyone in danger.

A short time later.

Banshee

I’ll die, these wings are ridiculous. Even if it does work I’ll soon get fed up of my screaming, though not before the audience do.

Xavier

Don’t worry you can still fly when you’re silent some how.

Magneto

Thanks for the tips friend, my powers are so much cooler than yours.

Xavier

Are not.

Magneto

Are too.

Xavier

(Deep concentration face) Are not.

Magneto

Are not.

Xavier

That’s right, no one looks so cool staring into thin air as I do.

They pile into the X Jet a design that’s apparently stayed the most advanced in the world for 30 years.

Xavier

Engage.

Enter the Cuban missile crisis which makes a pretty neat historical setting.

Captain Ironside

Well who else would be playing this role. I don’t even have to act anymore.

Russian General

You don’t know any of us but at least I don’t have Jude Law with a thick London accent as my gunner.

Magneto

Look at me, look at me I’m lifting Shaws submarine out of the water. You can’t do that can you Charles?

Xavier

Ok I admit that’s pretty groovy. However you still need my help to defeat Shaw. You run into danger, I’ll be able to think better from here.

*****

Sebastian Shaw

This dorky looking helmet…

Magneto

This is the 60s you can say it looks cool.

Sebastian Shaw

Ok then. This cool looking helmet blocks Xaviers mind.

Magneto

Oh great. That’s just wonderful that is. Don’t I get to create anything myself? Why go to all the trouble of an origin story if every idea and invention is another characters hand down.

Sebastian Shaw

Hey I’ll do the monologues here, I’m the one winning this fight.

Magneto

Fine I need the distraction to get the upper hand. I think I’ll come to miss such straightforward adversaries.

Audience

So when does Xavier become paralysed?

A bullet deflects into Xaviers back.

Audience

Ah yes that could do it. So why are they constantly moving him around for no reason?

Magneto

Sorry Charles we’ve truly developed a deep lasting friendship… In the few weeks we’ve known each other…? Wow the other movies implied we were close friends for many years.

Anyway I’m off whose coming with me? How about you mutants who were trying to kill me 5 minutes ago? Of course you will one crazy leaders as good as another. I’m sure I can trust you.

Xavier

Mystique you should go with Eric. I’ve been concerned about his anger and homicidal issues for the whole movie but I still think you’re better with him rather than me.

Mystique

Ok I understand…well I don’t understand but don’t worry he’ll never twist me to betray you and almost kill you. Goodbye Hank don’t hide who you are.

Hank McCoy

Thanks that’s sure easy for a shape shifter to say.

The movie cuts quickly before they have to ask how therest of the  mutants will get away safely.

Dr Moira MacTaggert

Don’t worry I wont tell anyone where you are.

Xavier

Why would you have to? The CIA know my name it wouldn’t be hard to track the mansion I grew up in. But maybe if I erase your memory it will erase everyone elses as well.

Cut to Magneto breaking White Queen out of jail.

Magneto

Look how cool my new outfit is.

White Queen

That’s not a long term costume is it?

Magneto

Diamonds are forever and so is this.

White Queen

Forget the helmet I don’t want to know any more of your thoughts.

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

X Men Origins Wolverine: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with little Jimmy in an old mansion.

Audience

Jimmy? Thank goodness he changed his name to Wolverine.

Little Jimmy kills a stranger who is actually his father.

Little Jimmy

No that's not true that's impossible!

Darth Stranger

Search your feelings you know it to be true.

Little Jimmy

Nooooooooooo!

Little Jimmy runs out into the night. The film goes into a montage of Jimmy and Victor fighting in several wars. Despite the illogical decision of not air dropping this invincible pair into Berlin to end the war, this is very entertaining. In fact we would like to see more. Instead this is followed by15 minutes of Wolverine chopping wood in Canada.

Jimmy

I'm so happy, even with the nightmares. Sorry about almost stabbing you in my sleep though.

Kayla Silverfox

That's OK darling. It's a shame I don't have any telepathic powers that could stop your nightmares and keep me from harm.

Kayla gets 'killed' by Sabretooth. Wolverine screams no as the camera pulls away from him. The audience tries to forget this as quickly as possible.

Stryker

Your not powerful enough to defeat Sabretooth, so lets stick some metal on your bones and hope you don't die. It is the same metal we stole from that village we slaughtered, but there's no need to feel the guilt you felt back then.

Jimmy

Sure no problem. I would also like to change my name to Wolverine.

Stryker

Good idea Jimmy.

Wolverine has his entire skeleton covered in adamantium in just 3 minutes.

Stryker

That was quick. Right now wipe his memory.

Zero

Wouldn't it have been better to do that before making him invincible?

Wolverine hears Stryker underwater, and escapes naked. Because Director Gavin Hood is worried he isn't doing enough to please the female audience.

Stryker

Hunt him down.

Zero

You want me to shoot down a man who we've just made impervious to bullets?

Stryker

Yep.

Zero

Your not holding back any adamantium bullets from me are you? I don't want to sound paranoid but a name like Zero doesn't do much for my self esteem.

Stryker

No, no of course not.

Zero

OK, what could go wrong?

Wolverine runs across Mr and Mrs Kent on their farm.

Wolverine

Thanks for feeding and clothing me, even though I'm clearly dangerous. Still I can't be as scary as that Marland Brando head that keeps trying to talk to me.

Mr Kent

Yeh I can't get him to shut up. Here have my sons old jacket he prefers wearing red capes these days.

Zero comes to kill Wolverine but apparently having metal on your bones also makes your muscles stronger.

Audience

Wow this film sure has a lot of action.

Director Gavin Hood

I'm trying to make sure it's not as boring as Watchmen.

Audience

Thank you, thank you!

Wolverine

I can't believe you killed that old couple. Still at least I got a nice bike out of it.

Director Gavin Hood decides its time for a boxing match to show Wolverine as the plucky under dog.

Audience

Sigh, just show us Gambit already.

Gambit

I was just put into the trailer to excite the loyal fans. I'm not at all important to the film.

Wolverine

Why on earth did you interrupt my fight? I could have killed Sabretooth.

Gambit

Good question, I'd better help you to make up for it.

They go to Strykers research island. Where a bunch of mutants with poor motives are helping him.

Stryker

Your wife is not dead.

Wolverine

Cool, I mean oh I'm so conflicted.

Wolverine frees the over mutants among them is Cyclops.

Cyclops

Hooray screen time! At last I get to do something useful.

Wolverine

I...

Kayla Silverfox

Shhh don't say anything within the earshot of Cyclops.

Wolverine

Oh yeah sorry.

Stryker sends a remote controlled Deadpool to kill Wolverine.

Deadpool

I have the powers of ten mutants. However I've lost my original power of super fast reflexes.

Sabretooth

Lucky for us.

Wolverine

You've come to help me brother?

Sabretooth

I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on. Lean on me.

Wolverine

Well could you define your character please? I don't want you trying to kill me again in the next movie.

Stryker

Die, Die!

Scientist

Aren't you worried that all this fighting could cause a Chernobyl like disaster.

Stryker

I'm pretty sure this film is set before 1989.

Scientist

That isn't very reassuring.

Wolverine and Sabretooth defeat Deadpool. Sabretooth jumps down from the tower apparently causing him to become mute and forget Wolverine is his brother.

George Lucas

You should wipe the droids... I mean Sabretooth's memory as well.

Director Gavin Hood

Don't I need to have an explanation for that?

George Lucas

Nah. Stryker shoots Wolverine with Adamantium bullets somehow knowing this will cause amnesia.

Wolverine wakes up with amnesia but no other brain damage. He forgets Kayla and so does the audience.

Gambit

Convenient.

Wolverine

Get lost.

Gambit

But I'm the only one who has any idea who you are.

Wolverine

Don't complicate things. Besides I think the mystery could really work for my character. Until people see this movie anyway.

Professor Xavier

Scott I want you to become a pupil at my school. Thankfully your eyes are bandaged, so you don't see me looking like Gollum. Even my mental powers can't comprehend why they didn't just show the back of my head.

Cyclops

Thanks a lot! This has brought my character full circle as well. I was really hoping for my own origins movie.

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

X Men 2: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with Nightcrawler charging through the White House beating up guards, in a sequence that's better than all of the combined action in the first film.

Audience

Alright!

None of the guards die.

Night Crawler

Good I won't have to feel guilty later.

A guard manages to graze Nightcrawlers arm with a bullet.

Night crawler

Ow, ooh that somehow jogged my memory. Better go.

Wolverine returns to the mutant school after a wasted journey, which thankfully happened in between movies.

Wolverine

You're bikes out of gas, and has a lot more miles on the clock. Oh and I'm sorry about the suspension, I'm a lot heavier than you.

Cyclops

Despite my anger I'm determined to enjoy every line I have.

Cyclops and Xavier go to visit Magneto..Xavier gets gassed and Cyclops gets knocked out more or less for good as far as the movies are concerned. Soldiers invade the school. Luckily for them it is the best time they possibly could.

Soldier

Good job there's no lightning yielding women around here. That would really put a dampener on our air assault.

Wolverine

Well I have metal claws.

Soldier

Metal claws ahh!

Wolverine takes out half a battalion of soldiers in a savage butcher like way. This movie is rated a 12?

Director Bryan Singer

Cool. Oh and remember kids knives are not cool.

Rogue

Is that enough Wolverine slashing for us to escape now?

Wolverine

Ummmm I'd quite like a brief chat with Stryker first.

Stryker

Hi.

Wolverine

Ummm.

Stryker

Hmm best to leave the revelations till the end of the movie. I will let you escape now.

Wolverine

OK chow bub.

Pyro

Shall we hunted mutants, running for our lives take this conspicuous car with dodgy doors?

Wolverine

Sounds good to me.

*****

Dr Gray

Hey Night crawler want to come with us.

Night crawler

Yeh why not?

Wolverine

Screen time, screen time lalalalala.

Cyclops

Don't rub it in.

Bobby's dad

What exactly are you professor of?

Wolverine

Art.

Pyro

You should see how he makes marks with his claws, very stylised.

Rogue

Just please don't ever cut your way through a door by making an X shape.

Bobby's brother calls the cops, neglecting to tell them his house is filled with ice wielding mutants. The cops get beaten up but none of them die.

Wolverine

Morally convenient. I like it.

After some business with the US air force the X Men have a cosy camp fire with Magneto.

Storm

Anyone got some marshmallows?

Dr Gray

Shouldn't the air force still be looking for us?

Magneto

Just go with it. I have some exposition to get through and Bryan Singer doesn't want the audience to get bored.

They fly to Stryker's base. Wolverine (Mystique) walks up to door and attempts to get in by posing.

Sargent Lyman

Shall I let your dangerous unstoppable mutant in sir?

Stryker

Absolutely, what could go wrong?

The X men enter Stryker's base dramatically (off screen)

Stryker

Right you're the last of my soldiers left alive so I want you to guard cerebro.

Sargent Lyman

What about leaving Lady Death Strike with us?

Stryker

She's no use against Magneto, she's made of metal.

Sargent Lyman

But so are our guns and grenades.

Stryker

OK then bye bye now.

Magneto takes over cerebro and gets Professor Xavier to target humans.

Professor Xavier

But don't I consider mutants humans as well?

Magneto

Just target the ones without powers, the mutants and Jack Bower. I'm not at all like Hitler, honest.

Stryker

The Death Strike is the most powerful weapon in the universe I suggest we use it.

Lady Death Strike

Actually I'll use myself whilst you run away. Just keep your adamantium bullets handy in case I fail.

Stryker

I used to think you were one of a kind... well you and your brother. How is Sabretooth these days? Has he managed to get a hand manicure yet?

Wolverine

Wait a minute your Lady Death Strike? Wow you've lost a lot of weight.

Lady Death Strike

You mentioned my weight problem, you are so dead!

Wolverine and Death Strike fight, helpfully avoiding stabs through the head, as that would end the fight pretty quickly. Of course Wolverine eventually wins.

Dr Gray

We've got to stop the professor.

Storm

Good idea. Night crawler beam us in.

Dr Gray

But I'm the only one who can establish a mental link with Xavier.

Storm

I just need more to do, OK?

They beam into Cerebro.

Storm

Tonight's forecast a freeze is coming.

The X Men escape but the dam ruptures and they are about to  drown.

Audience

Can't Ice Man freeze the water?

Ice Man

Are you kidding, have you seen how much there is?

Dr Gray

OK I'll sort it out, I need more character development.

Later in the White House.

Professor Xavier

We're not here to threaten you, but we are.

President

O...K

Professor Xavier

Hmmm nice to be back at the school, I'll smile as I sense the Phoenix, even though I'm terrified of her in the sequel.

Dr Gray

Ooh I'm making a phoenix shape in the water. I can't wait to be the central character of the next film.

Wolverine

WHAT? We can't have that. Bryan why don't you go and direct the new superman movie, even though it would be a really stupid idea.

Director Bryan Singer

Good idea.

Phoenix

Nooooooooooooooo!

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

X-Men: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a young Magneto in a Nazi concentration camp.

Audience

Bryan Singer is taking the material seriously and making a commentary on discrimination in society this is good.

Cut to Rogue having a disastrous kissing moment in a Dawson Creek like scene.

Audience

Ummmm.

Cut to Wolverine in a cage fight.

Audience

Oooh good Wolverine, I think I'll just enjoy the film now and analyse it later.

Wolverine

Growl.

Rogue

You seem like a good guy to make friends with. My name is Rogue and my character will not be as interesting as it was in the comics.

Wolverine

My name is Wolverine these films are all about me.

Magneto, resenting Wolverines screen time, sends Sabretooth to kill him.

Sabretooth

Meow.

Wolverine

Growl.

Sabretooth

Hissssssssssss!

Wolverine

Ow!

Cyclops and Storm rescue them in a rather dull action moment.

Professor Xavier

I sense this film needed a bigger budget. Even so thanks for having us your guest stars Wolverine. I'm Charles Xavier a telepath. The useful type not the babbling counsellor type.

Wolverine

How many more people do we have to meet? This is taking up some of my screen time..

Professor Xavier

There are a lot of mutants in the world. Thankfully only four of them have turned towards evil intent.

Wolverine

How do you fund this school?

Professor Xavier

That mystery is greater than mutation itself. This school has hundreds of students, unfortunately by the time of the third film only three of them will be X Men. We're working on ways to improve our teaching methods.

Wolverine goes to have his body examined by Dr Gray.

Wolverine

Fancy flirting?

Dr Gray

No... well maybe a little.

Cyclops

Cough.

Dr Gray

I meant no, absolutely not.

Cyclops

Wolverine let me take this opportunity tosay some stupid lines which will make the audience hate me.

Wolverine

Right... and you think you can be a lead in an X Men film.

Senator Kelly boards a helicopter and has a confidence he really shouldn't feel.

Senator Kelly

I'm willing to make an enemy of mutants, the most dangerous group in the history of mankind. What could possibly go wrong?

Toad

Hello I'm Toad. I considered being called Frog, but Toad sounds more disgusting.

Senator Kelly

Yeah but neither eat birds, ewww.

Magneto

I'm going to use this weird looking machine. It will most likely kill you, but I'm hoping for something plot enhancing.

Senator Kelly

Will it look spectacular?

Magneto

No.

Senator Kelly escapes and turns up as a mutant on a crowded beach. Despite all the attention he manages to secretly get to Xaviers school.

Storm, Professor Xavier, Cyclops, Dr Gray, Wolverine

Hahaha

Senator Kelly

Don't you have any sympathy?

Storm, Professor Xavier, Cyclops, Dr Gray, Wolverine

No!

Wolverine

Rogue seems to have run off. Do you think she took my stabbing of her personally?

Professor Xavier

I'll use Cerebro to find her.

Cyclops

Looks like astro metrics.

Professor Xavier

Just beam, I mean go to the train station and get her.

Magneto

I know the metal on your bones is neither steel or iron but I'm still going to Magneto your ass.

Wolverine

Your name is misleading.

Magneto completely wipes the floor with Wolverine, showing that our chief hero is completely useless against the chief villain.

Dr Gray

The professor's hurt I will use Cerebro to find Rogue.

Wolverine

What if Magneto's hiding her mind with a helmet as well?

Dr Gray

Ummm...

Cyclops

What if it causes another dangerous mutation in you.

Dr Gray

Seems unlikely.

The X Men head to stop Magneto at the Statue of Liberty. Very subtle. They get into a few minor fights.

Toad

Let me do a Darth Maul twirl.

Star Wars fans

Hehehe excellent.

Storm

I'm going to torture you with an awful one liner about toads and lightning.

Toad

Please, please kill me now.

Mystique

I'm going to fight you? Even though you heal as soon as I cause any damage, how pointless.

Wolverine

Yeh but it gives me a fight scene.

After they've defeated the goons, Magneto captures the entire X Men team in 30 seconds.

Dr Gray

If you had done that 10 minutes ago you could have saved Toad and Mystique a lot of trouble.

Magneto

Yeh, well now your kind of restrained, I'm going to carry out the next stage of my plan.

Wolverine escapes and has another fight with Sabretooth which has been given a little bit more money.

Cyclops

We need to get up to that torch.

Wolverine

Send me. I'm the only one who's completely useless against Magneto.

Cyclops

Makes sense.

Wolverine manages to stop Magneto and save Rogues life. What a guy.

Wolverine

I didn't really need the others help, honest. Now professor I need answers.

Professor Xavier

Here you go Logan, some directions to the sequel. Or you could just wait a few years longer for your origins movie.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.