Batman Forevever reviewed in a parody script. It's not an awful movie and it has some good ideas, such as Bruce Wayne coming to peace with who he is. But the story gets too silly at times and Two Face is a let down.
Opens with various close up shots of Batman’s body. This fails to build a mood and gives the audience an awful sense of unease.
Alfred
Sandwich sir?
Music blares from the Bat Mobile “Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone gone gone…”
Batman
I think I’ll have Meat Loaf.
*****
Batman
Hello Two Face I’m Batman.
Two Face
I know who you are, we used to be friends before I got a face full of acid.
Batman
I don’t want there to be any hard feelings between us Harvey. Wait you’re Harvey Dent? What about Billy Dee Williams?
Director Joel Schumacher
I was afraid his acting would over shadow yours.
Batman
Good point.
Two Face
So do you want to hang from my helicopter as a homage to the 60’s Batman Movie?
Batman
Will I catch you if I do that?
Two Face
In the first 10 minutes of the movie? Not likely. We’ll get to see more of a newly digitized Gotham city though.
Batman
Ok then.
Cut to Wayne Enterprise where Edward Nigma, has a highly scientific workstation surrounded by psychedelic television images.
Edward Nigma
I’m so excited to meet you Mr Wayne ooh I have a proposition for you.
Bruce Wayne
Umm a business one I hope.
Edward Nigma
My idea is to beam images directly into the brain to enhance the movie watching experience.
Bruce Wayne
How will it enhance the movie experience exactly?
Edward Nigma
Everything will look 3d.
Bruce Wayne
That doesn’t really require brain manipulation does it?
Edward Nigma
Well no, but it saves the audience from wearing goofy glasses.
*****
Dr Chase
Mind if I flirt with you awkwardly?
Batman
What about Dr Cameron?
Dr Chase
*Sigh* what if I dressed like Catwoaman?
Batman
I don’t think movie goers can handle another Catwoman.
*****
Alfred
I know this short news clip is giving you the only background information on Two Face you’ll get in this movie. But can I draw your attention to an accident at Wayne Enterprise?
Bruce Wayne
I get no peace as Batman. I get no peace as Bruce Wayne. When am I supposed to sleep?
Comissioner Gordon
Yep definitely suicide even with that mysterious clue.
Bruce Wayne
Is you’re character really going to be completely useless prior to the Christopher Nolan movies?
Commisiioner Gordon
Yes.
Bruce Wayne
Then please just go away.
Cut to Gotham circus.
Dr Chase
These clowns aren’t going to start killing people are they?
Bruce Wayne
I sure hope not I need a break… I mean Batman needs a break.
Two Face
Good evening ladies and gentlemen we’re tonights entertainment. At least we’ll try to be my plan is pretty dull and unlikely to work.
Commissioner Gordon
Anyone notice how Bruce Wayne fights like Batman?
Bruce Wayne
Anyone notice how I’m the only one fighting these criminals?
Commissioner Gordon
Err carry on.
Dick Grayson
I’ll go and handle the bomb. I’m not sure how I’ll do it but it will be heroic.
Grayson Family
Ok we’ll hang around the bomb as it goes through the scaffolding. This can't possibly achieve anything more than premature detonation, but we’re the heroes family we can’t be killed.
Dick Grayson
You realise the movie series is about the tragic hero right?
Grayson Family
Uh oh.
Dick’s family dies and everyone decides the best place for him to stay is with Bruce Wayne. A man who has clearly done a good job in getting over the murder of his parents.
Dick Grayson
I’m out of here to kill Two Face.
Bruce Wayne
But look at my pretty Bikes.
Dick Grayson
Revenge can wait.
Alfred
Time for a serious scene sir.
Bruce Wayne
I don’t think I can handle that. Oh look saved by the Bat Signal again.
*****
Riddler
Hello Harvey I’m… the riddler.
Two Face
Not the best entrance I’ve seen and I don’t really want you stealing my screen time. Prepare to die.
Riddler
But I have a plan to get Batman and this m7ovie could really do with a plot.
TwoFace
I see your point. Ok let’s work together.
Riddler
Spankyou.
Two Face
What!?
Riddler
Sorry I’m struggling with this whole new character thing.
*****
Dick Grayson
Time to go from really upset to cool. I’m so cool even when doing my laundry.
Alfred
Jolly good sir.
Dick Grayson
So… mind if I steal the Bat Mobile.
Alfred
Well I guess it would give you something to do sir.
*****
Dr Chase
Time for another serious conversation?
BruceWayne
Well ok then I guess it’s inevitable.
Alfred
Sorry to interrupt you sir but Joel Schumacher insists on another silly fight scene.
*****
Edward Nigma
Party time and mine is far more fun than Bruce Waynes.
Bruce Wayne
Well I can’t argue with you there. So all I have to do to deactivate your machine is remove one usb stick?
Sugar
Yeh.
Bruce Wayne
And theirs no chance you’d be carrying a spare?
Sugar
Certainly not.
Two Face
Time to spoil everyone’s fun again.
Audience
Groan.
Batman
So another fight then?
Twin Face
Yep and I’m going to win this one but won’t stick around to ensure you’re dead.
Robin
Here I am to save the day.
Batman
If you hadn’t of taken so long getting changed you might have caught Two Face as well.
Robin
So much for gratitude I can see why you haven’t had a sidekick before.
*****
Batman
I’m here so that we can get it on. Although I’m not sure how I can conceal my identity and have sex with you.
Dr Chase
It doesn’t matter I’m actually in love with Bruce Wayne.
Batman
You're right it doesn’t matter at all.
*****
Two Face and Riddler invade Wayne Mansion which apparently has no security.
Batman
Two Face you laugh more than the Joker.
Two Face
What do you want from me inner turmoil?
Batman
Yes.
Two Face
Tough.
*****
Batman
Right time to go capture Two Face and the Riddler.
Alfred
We have to solve these riddles first it will only take a minute.
Batman
We don’t have time they must be really complicated.
Alfred
No sir they will just take one minute. It’s a shame we didn’t work it out before dinner it could have saved us a lot of trouble.
*****
Two Face
So we have both a bat boat and bat plane approaching? Batman can’t be controlling both of them.
Riddler
No point worrying or even thiking about that. Prepare the bombs.
Two Face
Don’t we want them alive?
Riddler
Of course we do an explosion could never kill them.
*****
Robin
Holy ridiculous plot device Batman.
Batman
Huh?
Robin
The island, it’s splitting in two for no reason, you know ridiculous.
Batman
Oh.
*****
Riddler
So Batman I see you escaped my spiky tower of death.
Batman
Yeah how did you build that without the constructors asking questions?
Riddler
Riddles Batman, riddles. Now you have a choice you can save either Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend or Batmans side kick.
Batman
That wouldn’t be a tough decision.
Robin
Hey!
Batman
Don’t worry I’ll easily be able to save you both.
He does and it comes down to a climtic final confrontation with Two Face.
Two Face
I have you now Batman.
Batman
Hey Two Face look shiny coins.
Two Face
Ooh, Ahhh!
Batman
Such a waste. As for you Riddler we’ll take you to Arkum Asylum. There you can get over all the rubbish that has been fed to you for the last couple of hours.
Robin
So the next movie will have both Batman and Robin, pretty exciting huh?
Batman
It better be, we don’t want it killing the franchise after a movie called Batman Forever.
1 comment:
'Do you want to hang from my helicopter as a homage to the 60’s Batman Movie...' I never realized this but you're right. There's this unimpressive scene in the old Batman movie with a helicopter and that ridiculous shark, right? I didn't like Batman Forever. I looked great, but a couple of things really bothered me. The music to begin with. I saw this movie twice in different cinemas, but the sound was messy. Really distracting. There were also too many villains... classic superhero mistake. And, you're right, Two Face was disappointing. I also didn't buy the whole mind-melting TV stuff. But Batman 4 was worse... a disaster. I mean, Mr Nespresso in a Batsuit?
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