X Men First Class: First Draft Parody Script

Opens in 1944 with a recut of the first movie.

Younger Sebastian Shaw

Notice my thick German accent. Good ja?

Young Eric Lensherr

Perhaps. Are you going to keep it up for the whole movie?

Younger Sebastian Shaw

Nein!

We enter Xaviers huge mansion to see that him and Raven have a longer deeper history than him and Eric.

Young Xavier

Wow you can change shape and apparently you can double in size, it’s so delightful to meet you. Have something to eat.

Young Raven

Whoop whoop a place to live.

Young Xavier

I didn’t say that but hooray I’ve bought my first friend.

Cut to a Swiss bank

Swiss banker

Yes Nazis with gold we have no problem with that.

Eric Lensherr

I’m hunting Nazis.

Swiss banker

That is a problem. But would you still like us to look after the gold?

Audience

And we thought modern bankers were bad.

Cut to years later where Xavier is studying at Oxford university and Raven has followed him to waitress.

Xavier

Don’t you want to do some studies as well.

Mystique

Nah if I have ideas of my own I won’t be so easily influenced by other people.

Xavier

Good point. Ooh pretty ladies let me chat you up with my mutation line.

Pretty Ladies

Err maybe if we wanted to see you naked you would have to explain any abnormalities but until then…

Xavier

Oh forget this fun student nonsense, time for my character to become serious.

Cut to Shaws boat where Eric Lensherr’s approach is so stealthy even the telepath doesn’t notice him.

Eric Lensherr

I’m going to kill you.

White Queen

If you thought he was human you could have killed him when tearing apart his office when the movie began, what makes you think it’ll be easier now?

She knocks Lensherr into the water and Lensherr graps hold of the escaping submarine.

Xavier

Your thoughts betray my good man, try thinking about the fact you’re drowning.

Eric Lensherr

Oh of course silly me.

We cut to the research centre where we meet a super fast super strong mutant. Yet he’s the only mutant on the planet to wear glasses?

Hank McCoy

Hello I’m the nerdy mutant

Raven

So does that make you awkward with women also Hank?

Hank McCoy

That’s the stereotype fellow freak.

Raven

Don’t be so mean you beast.

Hank McCoy

Yes quite. Now Xavier I somehow anticipated a mutant like you would turn up one day so I’ve built you Cerebro.

Eric Lensherr

But I thought me and Charles built Cerebro?

Director Matthew Vaughn

Yes but I wanted it in this movie even if it isn’t really necessary.

Eric Lensherr

Yes the old prequel tradition of wasting opportunities strikes again.

Xavier and Lensherr go in search of some really boring mutants.

Audience

Where’s Gambit? We want Gambit?

Xavier

Hush we don’t want fantastic powers like the bad mutants do. We will after all outnumber them in the last fight. Spoils the tension a little but oh well.

Wolverine

At least you get me for a pointless cameo.

Xavier

Oh no please, not you again.

Wolverine

Could be worse. Might have been Stan Lee standing out like a sore thumb again.

Eric Lensherr

Could be better, could be no one.

*****

Darwin

For the sake of drinking time let’s just show our powers rather than bring them cleverly into the story.

Havoc

Well I’d better show mine before I have a Bacardi Breezer. My aim is a little off.

Sebastian Shaw

I’m here to break up this little party before it breaks apart the franchise. Who wants to join us? None of you has any real character motivations so someone must want to.

Angel Salvador joins him and despite this very poor result Sebastian is pleased.

Azazel

Can I get a line please? Darth Maul got more than this.

Darwin

So do I which being the 60’s I guess is dangerous.

Sebastian Shaw

Yes it is. Time to revisit an old movie stereotype.

Darwin dies. DARWIN! The one young mutant whose powers were actually intriguing.

Sebastian Shaw

See you losers later.

Havoc

I need another drink.

Xavier

I guess we really should have trained you.

Magneto

A bit late for that isn’t it. These kids are useless but now I have to give them credit for my name. It drives me mad.

Xavier

You have anger fear aggression. There useful but you need more. Anger and peace could make a powerful combination.

Magneto

Most wise you are.

Xavier

Yes I am now lets test the mutants by putting everyone in danger.

A short time later.

Banshee

I’ll die, these wings are ridiculous. Even if it does work I’ll soon get fed up of my screaming, though not before the audience do.

Xavier

Don’t worry you can still fly when you’re silent some how.

Magneto

Thanks for the tips friend, my powers are so much cooler than yours.

Xavier

Are not.

Magneto

Are too.

Xavier

(Deep concentration face) Are not.

Magneto

Are not.

Xavier

That’s right, no one looks so cool staring into thin air as I do.

They pile into the X Jet a design that’s apparently stayed the most advanced in the world for 30 years.

Xavier

Engage.

Enter the Cuban missile crisis which makes a pretty neat historical setting.

Captain Ironside

Well who else would be playing this role. I don’t even have to act anymore.

Russian General

You don’t know any of us but at least I don’t have Jude Law with a thick London accent as my gunner.

Magneto

Look at me, look at me I’m lifting Shaws submarine out of the water. You can’t do that can you Charles?

Xavier

Ok I admit that’s pretty groovy. However you still need my help to defeat Shaw. You run into danger, I’ll be able to think better from here.

*****

Sebastian Shaw

This dorky looking helmet…

Magneto

This is the 60s you can say it looks cool.

Sebastian Shaw

Ok then. This cool looking helmet blocks Xaviers mind.

Magneto

Oh great. That’s just wonderful that is. Don’t I get to create anything myself? Why go to all the trouble of an origin story if every idea and invention is another characters hand down.

Sebastian Shaw

Hey I’ll do the monologues here, I’m the one winning this fight.

Magneto

Fine I need the distraction to get the upper hand. I think I’ll come to miss such straightforward adversaries.

Audience

So when does Xavier become paralysed?

A bullet deflects into Xaviers back.

Audience

Ah yes that could do it. So why are they constantly moving him around for no reason?

Magneto

Sorry Charles we’ve truly developed a deep lasting friendship… In the few weeks we’ve known each other…? Wow the other movies implied we were close friends for many years.

Anyway I’m off whose coming with me? How about you mutants who were trying to kill me 5 minutes ago? Of course you will one crazy leaders as good as another. I’m sure I can trust you.

Xavier

Mystique you should go with Eric. I’ve been concerned about his anger and homicidal issues for the whole movie but I still think you’re better with him rather than me.

Mystique

Ok I understand…well I don’t understand but don’t worry he’ll never twist me to betray you and almost kill you. Goodbye Hank don’t hide who you are.

Hank McCoy

Thanks that’s sure easy for a shape shifter to say.

The movie cuts quickly before they have to ask how therest of the  mutants will get away safely.

Dr Moira MacTaggert

Don’t worry I wont tell anyone where you are.

Xavier

Why would you have to? The CIA know my name it wouldn’t be hard to track the mansion I grew up in. But maybe if I erase your memory it will erase everyone elses as well.

Cut to Magneto breaking White Queen out of jail.

Magneto

Look how cool my new outfit is.

White Queen

That’s not a long term costume is it?

Magneto

Diamonds are forever and so is this.

White Queen

Forget the helmet I don’t want to know any more of your thoughts.

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
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