I watched this again after a snowboard holiday to Lauterbrunan where a lot of it was set. I think Lazenby made a different but good Bond and that it's a good movie. I always like a good ski chase.
Opens with a pointless scene of Q describing some tech. But everyone likes Q
so it’s ok anyway.
James Bond
I’m George Lazenby every bit as good as Sean Connery please like me.
Audience
Boo.
James Bond
Come on give me a chance.
Audience
A small chance maybe. But we will scrutinise every breath you take.
James Bond
I might as well kill myself in the sea like that pretty girl… Wait a pretty
girl? Things are looking up.
Bond rescues Tracy who has passed out after a minute of paddling. Tracy
runs as Bond is attacked by two inept henchmen.
James Bond
Would it help now if I broke the fourth wall and referenced my predecessor?
Audience
No that’s the worst thing you could do.
James Bond
Oops too late.
Tracy
Bond James Bond we meet again.
James Bond
It’s just James Bond. You don’t have to say Bond at the beginning.
Tracy
But you always say…
James Bond
I know what I say; it is a difficult habit to break.
Tracy
Ok… Shall we start falling in love then?
Henchman
Seeing as my boss wants to encourage this romance I’d better interrupt them.
Bond fights the henchman destroying a lot of furniture in the process.
James Bond
I will not kill you or even question your intent. I’m sure leaving loose
ends won’t cause me any trouble in the future.
Henchman & Friends
Come with us.
James Bond
Drat.
Draco
I got my men to kidnap you to show how cool and dangerous I am.
James Bond
But I could have killed them. If you want to be a cool Bond character try
shaving your moustache.
Draco
I like you and even though you’ll be a danger to her I want you to marry
Tracy. I’ll even give you a million dollars for it. Casting an unnecessary
shadow over your motivations for the rest of the movie.
James Bond
Great our love story is going to be hard enough to establish as it is.
M
I’m taking you off the Blofeld case.
James Bond
But I’m the only one who’s ever managed to get close to him.
Money Penny
I’m sure you could find him in just two weeks if you put your mind to it.
James Bond
I could find him in just a day if I wanted to.
Money Penny
Suuure.
Louis Armstrong’s “We have all the time in the world” continues to play
in scene after scene as the audience glare at their watches.
Money Penny
Bond you’re not Hugh Grant stop romancing and let me drive you to your
objective.
Bond finds his elusive nemesis after looking up his name in some
archives. He finally heads to the alps. Skiers in the audience cheer up
immensely.
Blofeld
What the? Why are you wearing a kilt?
James Bond
I’m Scottish can’t you not tell from my splendid accent?
Blofeld
But your 2780 metres above sea level it is the dumbest place to wear a kilt.
Go and get changed.
James Bond
Jolly good.
James Bond
As I’m in love with Tracy I’m going to sleep with one of these Angels of
Death of death. Ooh hypnotic mood lighting.
Having such an exciting setting Bond decides to go curling. The one
winter sport no one ever wants to see.
Blofeld
Now that I’ve seen through your feeble disguise let me describe my ingenious
plan.
James Bond
That is awfully nice of you but not the wisest move. Are you really so
insecure that you need to impress me with your plans.
Blofeld
How dare you insult my wisdom? Now let me lock you in this room which you
will easily escape from.
Finally there is a ski chase, but Bond manages to lose one of his skis.
James Bond
Now I wish I was on a snowboard.
Henchman skiers
Did you hear that? Make sure his death is slow and painful. Uh oh a cliff
ahhh!
James Bond
Dummies.
Tracy and Bond go car curling on an ice rink.
Tracy
James how do we get out?
James Bond
Try the exit?
Tracy
James you are clever.
James Bond
Could you save the adoring looks for when we’re not driving at high speed on
ice?
They ski down from the resort… which is at the bottom of the mountain….
James Bond
We’re being chased again better put my goggles down.
Tracy
What are they bullet proof? Goggles are meant to be down all the time to
protect from snow blindness.
James Bond
We’re just being filmed in the studio anyway. I hope technology improves in
the future. What if I ever need to kite surf a wave onto an iceberg.
Tracy
It would probably look worse.
They get caught in a huge avalanche with tons of snow cascading down
upon them Bond and Tracy are buried under just 5 cm.
Skiers in the audience
Why bother getting transceivers?
Director Peter R Hunt
Because this is Bond even if he was at the start of the avalanche he would
have survived.
Blofeld
Seeing as Tracy survived Bond must have died.
Tracy
That doesn’t make sense.
Blofeld
Let’s go.
M
We have decided to solve this threat by doing nothing.
James Bond
It’s a good job I have a lot of holiday time built up. I feel like some more
skiing.
M
OK have fun.
They attack the base and destroy a lot more furniture. Oh well we are in
the land of IKEA.
Henchman
Ha-ha I have you now.
Tracy
Hmmm I really don’t like this wall decoration. I’ll knock it down with your
head.
Henchman
Ow! You’re strong; they’ll probably just replace it anyway.
Draco
Come on we have to go.
Tracy
But what about James?
Draco
He’ll probably die in the explosion. I hope you’re over that depression.
Blofeld
Ha-ha and people thought I was mad putting a bobsleigh run in.
James Bond
Well I can drive anything. I can even shoot at the same time. Even if I did
forget that during the car chase.
I think this series needs to branch off with its villains.
Blofeld
Quips really aren’t your thing are they? Argh!
James Bond
That must have killed him.
Audience
Shouldn’t you check? You have been chasing him for two years.
James Bond
But that would involve hiking back up.
James Bond
We’re married Mrs Bond. I’m so a happy a woman I love actually lives.
Blofeld
We can’t have that. *Bang*
James Bond
My wife is... This is the saddest Bond ending ever.
Audience
It gets worse for generations to come terrible skiers will attempt the
Shilthorn run, thinking they are Bond and humming the theme song.
James Bond
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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