Batman And Robin: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with the darkest part of the movie, the title screen.

Batman

Look at my wheels I bet you want a car?

Robin

Are you kidding me it has one seat and no protective covering you may as well ride a bike.

Batman

What do you want from me a tank?

*****

Batman

I’m Batman.

Mr Freeze

Ice to meet you.

Batman

That’s not funny.

Mr Freeze

It gets worse.

Robin

I’m Robin.

Mr Freeze

See?

Batman

Whoa ice hockey goons. We’ll be America you be Canada… no wait.

Mr Freeze

Ha ha I win. .I’ll kill you next time.

Batman

Why kill me now.

Mr Freeze

Do not try to bring cold logic into this movie.

*****

Pamela Isley

Your experiments are horrific.

Dr Woodrue

And your attempts to mix animals and plants aren’t?

Pamela Isley

I guess my idea that plants are worth more than humans suggests that I’m smoking something, but that is against my ethics.

Dr Woodrue

I don’t think I  can work with you, it’s best to kill you in a super power inducing way.

*****

Bruce Wayne

And there’s the back story for Mr Freeze. We don’t want to get into it too much because… well because we have such a complex plot to get through…

Dick Grayson

Alfred are you ill?

Alfred

When I’m running around this huge mansion doing all the work myself? Certainly not. And I’m supposed to be the most important person in Mr Wayne’s life.

Bruce Wayne

Yes, whatever, I’ll have dinner in my room tonight Alfred.

Cut to the secret lair of Mr Freeze. Despite needing a place that needs to be frozen the police are completely inept at tracking him down.

Mr Freeze

Come on everybody sing along.

Audience

We hate this movie.

Director Joel Schumacher

Come on guys can’t you accept this as a fun almost parody like version of Batman.

Audience

No!

Director Joel Schumacher

Well I sure missed the mark with this one. Man I miss the 60’s.

*****

Alfed

May I introduce Barbara who is Commisioner Gordon’s daughter.

Barbara Wilson

Actually I’m your niece.

Alfred

You are? Wonderful more responsibility for me.

Barbara Wilson

You see my parents were killed by….

Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson

By a psychopathic killer?

Barbara Wilson

No it was an accident.

Bruce Wayne

Oh, well I can’t see how we’ll work out your motivation then.

*****

Goon

Sir look at this headline.

Mr Freeze

Do you mind I’m having a character moment here.

Goon

Wow that’s more than Two Face got in the last movie.

Mr Freeze

Fanicetic isn’t it?

Goon

If only you could drop the stupid puns you might be preferred as a  villain as well.

*****

Poison Ivy

I’m Poison Ivy. You can still trust me despite the name, honest.

Batman

Sounds good but you look familiar. If only your eyebrows weren’t hidden by thin plants maybe I’d recognise you.

*****

Batman

Despite the fact your bike can skid as fast as my car drives, I’m stopping you.

Robin

But you need me.

Batman

Actually I’ve somehow caught Freeze by myself.

Robin

Oh.

Alfred

Time for a emotional scene sir?

Bruce Wayne

It’s bound to be interrupted… wait were getting to go on. Wow Joel Schumacher actually learnt something from the last movie. But forgot a lot of other stuff

*****

Bane

Grrr.

Poison Ivy

Bane I really need a plan surely there’s more to you?

Bane

Grrr.

Poison Ivy

*Sigh* ok fine just beat up these thugs.

*****

Barbara Wilson

Fancy a dangerous night on the town?

Dick Grayson

Been there done that. My characters already developed haha.

Barbara Wilson

Yeah well I’m more important this time. I’m here to rescue Alfred from this abysmal life he’s always spoken so highly of.

Dick Grayson

I’m sure he’ll be thankful.

*****

Poison Ivy

I’m here to rescue you.

Mr Freeze

How can our plans possibly work together? Are plants fans of the cold?

Poison Ivy

We’ll worry about that later for now let us escape.

Mr Freeze

Okay lets go through the wall.

Poison Ivy

Have you seen how high up we are?

Director Joel Schumacher

Haven’t you noticed physics don’t apply in this movie?

Poison Ivy

In a franchise that has the one super hero that’s meant to be limited by the real world limitations. Great.

*****

Commissioner Gordon

Glad you made it Batman and Robin. Hey do you realise you got a side kick at the same time Bruce Wayne got a new house mate? Funny that.

Batman

You realise you’re still completely useless, funny that.

Commissioner Gordon

Shh, I don’t want to be replaced.

*****

Bruce Wayne

Fancy settling our differences and working together?

Dick Grayson

Sure. We managed to in the last movie. Still I guess the tension has giving me some depth.

Bruce Wayne

No it hasn’t.

*****

Computer Alfred

Hello Barbara before I died I wanted to encourage you into a really dangerous line of work which ruins the lives of those who do it.

Barbara Wilson

Uncle you’re the greatest.

Computer Alfred

You’re welcome I hope you can fight in high heels.

Barbara Wilson

What beautiful movie heroine can’t?

*****

Robin

Sucker you’re poison didn’t work because of rubber my lips.

Poison Ivy

Great trap kissing me for no reason so that I can overpower you anyway.

Batgirl

Not so fast.

Batman

Oh great not another one. Look I just don’t think you and Robin can strike fear into the criminals of Gotham like I do.

Batgirl

You mean like you used to do? Besides without us you might get your back broken or something.

Batman

Ok fine, but in future you need to make a more dramatic entrance.

Batgirl

I dealt with Poison Ivy didn’t I?

Audience

Great so now Batman can’t defeat even her on his own.

*****

Mr Freeze

You can’t stop me I’m going to Freeze the city.

Batman

Why?

Mr Freeze

I don’t know it just seems to suit my character.

They fight Freeze who has lost his goons and most of his fighting ability.

Batman

So we’ve melted the city and everyone will be ok. Doesn’t make sense but I guess even stupid ideas need a climax.

Robin

And we managed the important job of stopping Bane it’s  good job he wasn’t with Poison Ivy.

Batman

Freeze can you cure my friend?

Mr Freeze

Sure why not?

Batman

Wow thanks for turning into a super villain I might not have found a cure otherwise.

*****

Alfred

I’m alive hoorah.

Bruce Wayne

Great because with three of us you now have a lot more work to do.

Alfred

Marvellous just marvellous, I think this series should return to basics. I’m getting to old for this.

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Batman Forever: First Draft Parody Script

Batman Forevever reviewed in a parody script. It's not an awful movie and it has some good ideas, such as Bruce Wayne coming to peace with who he is. But the story gets too silly at times and Two Face is a let down.

Opens with various close up shots of Batman’s body. This fails to build a mood and gives the audience an awful sense of unease.

Alfred

Sandwich sir?

Music blares from the Bat Mobile “Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone gone gone…”

 

Batman

I think I’ll have Meat Loaf.

*****

Batman

Hello Two Face I’m Batman.

Two Face

I know who you are, we used to be friends before I got a face full of acid.

Batman

I don’t want there to be any hard feelings between us Harvey. Wait you’re Harvey Dent? What about Billy Dee Williams?

Director Joel Schumacher

I was afraid his acting would over shadow yours.

Batman

Good point.

Two Face

So do you want to hang from my helicopter as a homage to the 60’s Batman Movie?

Batman

Will I catch you if I do that?

Two Face

In the first 10 minutes of the movie? Not likely. We’ll get to see more of a newly digitized Gotham city though.

Batman

Ok then.

Cut to Wayne Enterprise where  Edward Nigma, has a highly scientific workstation surrounded by psychedelic television images.

Edward Nigma

I’m so excited to meet you Mr Wayne ooh I have a proposition for you.

Bruce Wayne

Umm a business one I hope.

Edward Nigma

My idea is to beam images directly into the brain to enhance the movie watching experience.

Bruce Wayne

How will it enhance the movie experience exactly?

Edward Nigma

Everything will look 3d.

Bruce Wayne

That doesn’t really require brain manipulation does it?

Edward Nigma

Well no, but it saves the audience from wearing goofy glasses.

*****

Dr Chase

Mind if I flirt with you awkwardly?

Batman

What about Dr Cameron?

Dr Chase

*Sigh* what if I dressed like Catwoaman?

Batman

I don’t think movie goers can handle another Catwoman.

*****

Alfred

I know this  short news clip is giving you the only background information on Two Face you’ll get in this movie. But can I draw your attention to an accident at Wayne Enterprise?

Bruce Wayne

I get no peace as Batman. I get no peace as Bruce Wayne. When am I supposed to sleep?

Comissioner Gordon

Yep definitely suicide even with that mysterious clue.

Bruce Wayne

Is you’re character really going to be completely useless prior to the Christopher Nolan movies?

Commisiioner Gordon

 Yes.

Bruce Wayne

Then please just go away.

Cut to Gotham circus.

Dr Chase

These clowns aren’t going to start killing people are they?

Bruce Wayne

I sure hope not I need a break… I mean Batman needs a break.

Two Face

Good evening ladies and gentlemen we’re tonights entertainment. At least we’ll try to be my plan is pretty dull and unlikely to work.

Commissioner Gordon

Anyone notice how Bruce Wayne fights like Batman?

Bruce Wayne

Anyone notice how I’m the only one fighting these criminals?

Commissioner Gordon

Err carry on.

Dick Grayson

I’ll go and handle the bomb. I’m not sure how I’ll do it but it will be heroic.

Grayson Family

Ok we’ll hang around  the bomb as it goes through the scaffolding. This can't possibly achieve anything more than premature detonation, but we’re the heroes family we can’t be killed.

Dick Grayson

You realise the movie series is about the tragic hero right?        

  

Grayson Family

Uh oh.              

Dick’s family dies and everyone decides the best place for him to stay is with Bruce Wayne. A man who has clearly done a good job in getting over the murder of his parents.

Dick Grayson

I’m out of here to kill Two Face.

Bruce Wayne

But look at my pretty Bikes.

Dick Grayson

Revenge can wait.

Alfred

Time for a serious scene sir.

Bruce Wayne

I don’t think I can handle that. Oh look saved by the Bat Signal again.

*****

Riddler

Hello Harvey I’m… the riddler.

Two Face

Not the best entrance I’ve seen and I don’t really want you stealing my screen time. Prepare to die.

Riddler

But I have a plan to get Batman and this m7ovie could really do with a plot.

TwoFace

I see your point. Ok let’s work together.

Riddler

Spankyou.

Two Face

What!?

Riddler

Sorry I’m struggling with this whole new character thing.

*****

Dick Grayson

Time to go from really upset to cool. I’m so cool even when doing my laundry.

Alfred

Jolly good sir.

Dick Grayson

So… mind if I steal the Bat Mobile.

Alfred

Well I guess it would give you something to do sir.

*****

Dr Chase

Time for another serious conversation?

BruceWayne

Well ok then I guess it’s inevitable.

Alfred

Sorry to interrupt you sir but Joel Schumacher insists on another silly fight scene.

*****

Edward Nigma

Party time and mine is far more fun than Bruce Waynes.

Bruce Wayne

Well I can’t argue with you there. So all I have to do to deactivate your machine is remove one usb stick?

Sugar

Yeh.

Bruce Wayne

And theirs no chance you’d be carrying a spare?

Sugar

Certainly not.

Two Face

Time to spoil everyone’s fun again.

Audience

Groan.

Batman

So another fight then?

                            

Twin Face

Yep and I’m going to win this one but won’t stick around to ensure you’re dead.

Robin

Here I am to save the day.

Batman

If you hadn’t of taken so long getting changed you might have caught Two Face as well.

Robin

So much for gratitude I can see why you haven’t had a sidekick before.

*****

Batman

I’m here so that we can get it on. Although I’m not sure how I can conceal my identity and have sex with you.

Dr Chase

It doesn’t matter I’m actually in love with Bruce Wayne.

Batman

You're right it doesn’t matter at all.

*****

Two Face and Riddler invade Wayne Mansion which apparently has no security.

Batman

Two Face you laugh more than the Joker.

Two Face

What do you want from me inner turmoil?

Batman

Yes.

Two Face

Tough.

*****

Batman

Right time to go capture Two Face and the Riddler.

Alfred

We have to solve these riddles first it will only take a minute.

Batman

We don’t have time they must be really complicated.

Alfred

No sir they will just take one minute. It’s a shame we didn’t work it out before dinner it could have saved us a lot of trouble.

*****

Two Face

So we have both a bat boat and bat plane approaching? Batman can’t be controlling both of them.

Riddler

No point worrying or even thiking about that.  Prepare the bombs.

Two Face

Don’t we want them alive?

Riddler

Of course we do an explosion could never kill them.

*****

Robin

Holy ridiculous plot device Batman.

Batman

Huh?

Robin

The island, it’s splitting in two for no reason, you know ridiculous.

Batman

Oh.

*****

Riddler

So Batman I see you escaped my spiky tower of death.

Batman

Yeah how did you build that without the constructors asking questions?

Riddler

Riddles Batman, riddles. Now you have a choice you can save either Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend or Batmans side kick.

Batman

That wouldn’t be a tough decision.

Robin

Hey!

Batman

Don’t worry I’ll easily be able to save you both.

He does and it comes down to a climtic final  confrontation with Two Face.

Two Face

I have you now Batman.

Batman

Hey Two Face look shiny coins.

Two Face

Ooh, Ahhh!

Batman

Such a waste.  As for you Riddler we’ll take you to Arkum Asylum. There you can get over all the rubbish that has been fed to you for the last couple of hours.

Robin

So the next movie will have both Batman and Robin, pretty exciting huh?

Batman

It better be, we don’t want it killing the franchise after a movie called Batman Forever.

Fin





Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.