The Avengers: First Draft Parody Script

This is the first parody I've written of a movie which I sawcompletely in French. I don't think too much was lost in translation.My language skills are improving...I didn't realise it was a romantic comedy/road trip movie though. It's a shame they didn't suceed in their quest to find the Holy Grail but at least they learn't a valuable lesson about not taking drugs.

Opens with a voice over from a deeply toned metallic alien. I get a horrible flashback of the Transformers 2 movie.

Cut to Nick Fury at a remote research lab.

Nick Fury

See how I get a low camera angle introduction? That’s because I’m such a cool and powerful character?

Audience

Really? Why? What do you actually do?

Nick Fury

Well I try to look cool… I actually shoot some enemies later… Oh! I also survive jumping out of a crashing helicopter.

Audience

Wait a minute, you have super hero powers too?

Nick fury

Errr well no. This movie just isn’t really clear on what people can and can not survive.

Audience

That really damages the tension.

Nick Fury

Nick Fury does not apologise!

Loki

You should. This is a ridiculously easy place to escape from. I’ve seen more security guards at a Black Sabbath gig.

Nick Fury

Well I believe in quality not quantity.

Loki

Well I’m going to steal the quality. Come here Hawkeye and Dr Selvig. I’m just as crazy as your last boss.

Cut to numerous scenes of our heroes being recruited to the Avengers team. Haven’t we already seen this recruiting being pointlessly shoe horned into the last 5 or 6 movies?

Captain America

I’m sad, why should I come?

Nick Fury

Because you are the only selfless super hero.

Captain America

Oh yeah how could I forget.

Dr Bruce Banner

Why on earth do you want me? Aren’t I too unstable?

Black Widow

We need you to provide some muscle.

Dr Bruce Banner

But that sums up most of your team. Couldn’t we have more varied powers like the X Men?

Black Widow

We have Iron man… his missiles are kind of special.

Iron Man

You want me? Am I really a team player?

Nick Fury

Well at least you know how to fly.

Captain America

Hey don’t kick a man when he’s down.

They head to Germany where…THE MIGHTY INTERDIMENSIONAL FIGHTER AND TRICKSTER LOKI… gets taken down by Iron Man pointing a few 21^st century weapons at him… oh…

Captain America

Hmmm that was easy. Do you think it could be another one of his tricks?

Iron Man

No I am just that amazing.

Thor

Not as amazing as me.

Iron Man

Get off of my plane! Oh no, I didn’t just say that.

Captain America

But it worked, he took Loki.

Iron Man

Well as the only other member of the team that can fly I’d better go after him. Just wait here being all patriotic and stuff.

Captain America

Hey don’t leave me out. Just wait whilst I get a parachute.

Aircraft Pilot

But they could be miles away by now. What are you going to do run to them?

Captain America

Of course! I’m a super hero in the same league as them. I can do it.

Aircraft Pilot

Sure…

Iron Man

Your magic/technology that took millennia to develop is no match for my Iron Man suit.

Thor

Yes it is! But maybe I could team up with you and you can be the canon fodder.

They take Loki aboard the Helicarrier, an impractical and vulnerable looking ship.

Loki

HAHAHA! Do you really believe this prison can hold me?

Nick Fury

Of course! You may be able to escape the void of interdimensional space but…

Loki’s minions attack the heli carrier.

Nick Fury

…

Helicarrier agent

I think it’s time to release the Fury.

Nick Fury

I’m kind of busy right now…You know I’m coordinating… and well doing paper work for…

Helicarrier agent

I meant the fury of the Hulk.

Nick Fury

Could be dangerous in such a confined space, but it’s what the audience wants to see.

Thor

Brother you tricked me again.

Loki

That’s right and I am going to send you plummeting towards the earth in your Hulk cage. Don’t worry despite the fearful expression you’ll have, it won’t kill you. Even if you do hit the ground whilst still in it.

Loki escapes whilst Hawkeye uses a usb arrow to disable the Helicarrier engines… well one of it’s engines, which is even stranger.

Black Widow

This isn’t who you are. Turn away from the dark side.

Hawkeye

As your the only superhero I know with the work black in their title I’m getting a little confused. Just knock me out, that is normally the simplest option.

Nick Fury

Loki killed agent Coulson.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

And?

Nick Fury

He’s had 10 lines of dialogue in the movies. Surely you care?

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

Not really.

Nick Fury

Well if you all go and fight him together just think how awesome the action scene could be.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

We’re in.

Loki activates a portal to bring in the Chitauri army.

Audience

Chitauri? That’s seriously their name? It’s not hard to imagine what people will nick name them.

The Avenger team arrives and Iron Man proves to be the most useful member in the fight.

Captain America

It’s a shame you haven’t produced more copies of your suit for others. Loki would really be in trouble if we showed up with 50 of you.

Hulk

You could have at least of given War Machine a quick call. You spend most of this movie on the phone anyway.

Joss Whedon has lots of cool action scenes but for some reason he keeps cutting back to Hawkeye shooting arrows? Ok he has a fantastic aim… good for him.

Iron Man

Hey Hawkeye? Have you ran out of arrows yet?

Hawkeye

You’d think so wouldn’t you, but is anyone really counting? And what about you then? Run out of missiles yet?

Iron Man

Yes.

Hawkeye

Oh.

Due to the usual communication break down the armed forces launch a nuclear missile.

Iron Man

I’ll handle this. Everyone knows that a nuclear missle doesn’t detonate until impact.

Thor

Really? I’m sure it can detonate just upon reaching set coordinates.

Iron Man

Would you prefer to fly into space and destroy the Chitauri base yourself?

Thor

Carry on.

Nick Fury

Thanks to all of you for saving the world.

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

We’ll have to do this again sometime. Everything we do together is awesome.

Audience

Is it worth staying for the post credit scenes then?

Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain America

No!

Fin

Captain America: The First Avenger: First Draft Parody Script

Parody script review of Captain America

Opens with some men searching the artic and finding a crashed craft. For one horrible moment the audience thinks they’ve walked into the Transformers movie.

Scientist

Oh wonderful it’s Captain America’s shield. Now the audience will spend the entire movie disappointed that they wont be seeing the World War 2 setting again.

Cut to  Norway 1942

Red Skull

I’ve come for Odin’s Tesseract.

Guard

You’re in the wrong movie. Odin was back in May.

Red Skull

No blonde and super strong  hero with his signature weapon is going to stop me then?

Guard

Well…

Cut to New York City where a puny Steve Rogers regards standing up to someone who talks in the cinema as a heroic act.

Bucky Barnes

How many times must I save you?

Steve Rogers

I’ll always be there to save you if you need me.

Bucky Barnes

You’d better be.

*****

Henry Stark

Check out my  revolutionary car technology.

Audience

Hmm what’s it going to be. It’s 1942. Is the movie going to claim he came up with abs? Airbags maybe?

The car starts to hover. Then crashes.

Audience

Eh? They were experimenting with flying cars in the 40s?

Henry Stark

That worked really well, even though it was brief. Of course I can’t see it being developed fully even if it's given 69 years.

*****

Steve Rogers

I want to be a soldier not just some person working in a factory. Not that I want to devalue the hundreds of thousands of people who weren’t on the front line ofcourse.

Bucky Barnes

Of course.

Dr Abraham Erskine

I can give you the oppourtunity to be the soldier you’ve dreamt off all your life.

Steve Rogers

You’re German?

Dr Abraham Erskine

Of course, all the best scientists are German. Just wait until the space race. 

Cut to the secret research lab which is guarded by one little old lady. But she does have a massive gun.

Dr Abraham Erskine

Have I told you this is dangerous? No? Well too late.

Steve Rogers

Keep going I can handle the pain.

Colonel Chester Phillips

Are you sure you don’t need to get some more serum you’re almost out of it?

Dr Abraham Erskine

Actually that’s all the serum I have.

Colonel Chester Phillips

What? You do at least have notes on how to produce more right? You couldn’t have worked all this out in your head?

Dr Abraham Erskine

Relax. What are the chances of me getting killed and the secret being lost?

Dr Bruce Banner

You inconsiderate fool. Have you any idea what happens to me when I try to reproduce this affect?

Dr Abraham Erskine

Yes well a good scientist never experiments on himself.

Dr Erskine is shot by an assassin so well chosen Erskine’s able to recognise him.

Steve Rogers

I’ll catch him.

Colonel Chester Phillips

But you can’t even move properly and he’s got the last vial of serum.

Steve Rogers

Don’t worry I won’t let it…

Vial of syrum

*Smash*

Steve Rogers

Oops.

Colonel Chester Phillips

For that you can spend the rest of the war as a recruitment mascot.

We get a montage of Captain America on a recruitment drive. A nice nod to the comics original  purpose. He eventually gets sent to Italy and discovers Bucky Barnes is missing.

Captain America

I’m going to rescue him. Alone! Well besides actually getting there, I need your help for that.

Peggy Carter

Ok but at least tell me you have some kind of a plan?

He doesn’t. Captain America runs around Red Skulls compound unnoticed. Something that would be slightly more believable if he wasn’t carrying a useless shield bearing the American flag on his back.

Captain America

I’m rescuing you by opening the jail doors. I’ll leave the rest to you though, I have a friend to find.

Jacques Dernier

Quoi? Monsieur we will be slaughtered you haven’t even given us any guns.

James Falsworth

Oh come now old chap. We can escape without further help from this Yank. These are after all movie Nazis not realistic Nazis.

They escape against the odds, which we see briefly. Then we have to watch a far less satisfying confrontation between Captain America and Red Skull who decides to run away and destroy the facility for no good reason.

*****

Colonel Chester Phillips

I sure was a fool not to use a soldier we’ve spent years trying to create. We’ll get you equipped for more heroics. You’ll also get a promotion to a real Captain which is a standard movie reward for disobeying orders.

Henry Stark

Wow look how small and powerful this energy source is. Imagine what we could do with it. I could use it to build a flying suit with hand pulse weapons, groovy coulours, inteligent…

Captain America

Sounds like a nice pipe dream but I’ll be happy with this.

Henry Stark

You don’t want that it’s the best metal in the world and that’s all we’ve got…. And we used it to make a shield?

Captain America

Don’t worry  I wont lose it.

Henry Stark

Ok then if you promise.

Captain America picks a small multicultural group to fight with him.

James Falsworth

I’m British and I’m depicted as a competent soldier? Bravo writers. Winning the war was the effort of an alliance. Let’s go and destroy the Nazis. Wait who are you?

Hydra

We’re Red Skull’s break away group of soldiers.

James Falsworth

What? Are you telling me that even killing Nazis has become taboo?

Hydra

I’m not sure… hey when did jumping onto a train become safer than breaking the track?

Captain America and Bucky Barnes get attacked by some slightly more gadgetised Hydra soldiers. Bucky is blasted out of the train but manages to hold on.

Captain America

Don’t let go and give me your hand.

Bucky Barnes

I can’t do both! Why do people always assume that someone holding on for dear life is capable of releasing a hand and reaching out?

Captain America

Just try it.

Bucky Barnes

Ahhh!

Captain America

Wow that was a surprisingly long death shot.

*****

Colonel Chester Phillips

I need information on Red Skulls base.

Armin Zola

Why now? You’ve already shown yourselves to have icredible intelligence on us.

Colonel Chester Phillips

I need something to do. I may be overused in this movie but I want more.

*****

Captain America

I can’t get drunk.

Peggy Carter

We thought it might be one of the side affects with your fast metabolism and super healing powers.

Captain

One of the side affects? What else didn’t you tell me? And why can’t I get drunk? Wolverine can.

Peggy Carter

We need you as an upright American citizen. You can take revenge instead I think that’s more patriotic.

Captain America

I don’t seek revenge, I seek justice.

Peggy Carter

Well that can work too in this time period. In the future you might find things a little more complicated.

Cut to the out skirts of Red Skulls base.

Captain America

I’m riding a motorcycle which shows that I’m cool despite my outfit.

Red Skull

Not as cool as my soldiers and weapons.

Captain America

Yes I’ve been meaning to ask you what’s the idea with them? Is that tank really even practical, it makes such a big target for an air assault, it can't move very fast. As for the soldiers did you mistake Star Wars Storm Troopers for Nazi Storm Troopers.

Red Skull

I’m evil no logic is needed, I just try to go for style. Now I’m going to shoot you… slooowly….

Dum Dum Dugan

Don’t worry we’ve arrived to rescue you. We sure got in a lot easier than you did, it’s amazing what you can do with a zip wire.

Captain America

Thank you my band of brothers. I want to stick with you but it’s my duty as the title character to have a confrontation with the villain alone.

Colonel Chester Phillips

Need a ride.

Captain America

Yes I need to get onto that massive plane. Unless our attack on this base has air support?

Colonel Chester Phillips

I’m afraid not. Now go. Go!

Peggy Carter

Just one quick kiss I can’t be the movies romantic interest without at least one kiss.

Colonel Chester Phillips

Ahhh! Phew that was close. That one kiss with Captain America almost got us killed. What were you thinking?

Peggy Carter

Give me a break it’s all I’m going to get and clearly worth putting the world in danger for.

*****

Red Skull

Oh no there’s nowhere to run *cough* I mean you are doomed Captain America.

Captain America

You know if you hadn’t of broken away from Hitler you probably would have had enough troops to defend your base.

Red Skull

I don’t need them when I have this cool blue cube. Look at the colours they’re so pretty. Wait I’m being beamed up noooo!

Captain America

Weird but he must be dead. And I’m dead too. I can’t let these bombs reach America. I’ll crash into the artic.

Peggy Carter

No! Land the plane we’ll difuse them.

Captain America

I can’t I don’t have any flying skills.

Peggy Carter

What about that aerial battle 5 minutes ago.

Director Joe Johnson

Just go with it please we’re trying to get the Avenger characters together.

Cut to many years later.

Captain America

I’m in the future?

Nick Fury

It’s gets worse I’m here to pointlessly show your recruitment.

Captain America

Wouldn’t it be more fitting if Tony Stark did that? To give the end some kind of human connection instead of this weirdness. All I can think about is my lost dance. Do couples still go dancing in the 21^st century?

Fin

 

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