Doctor Who The Edge Of Destruction: First Draft Parody Script

Part 1 The Edge Of Destruction

Opens with our plucky travellers sprawled about the Tardis after being knocked out. Ian at least had the sense to do it in a comfy chair.

Susan

My neck hurts.

Barbara

You probably fell awkwardly.

Susan

No there must be more meaning to it.

Barbara

If you say so. Now run and get us some water.

Susan

We’re not at school anymore, get it yourself. Who am I kidding in the 60s kids respected their elders. Although being a Time Lord am I older than them? Oh I’ll just get the water.

Ian

What’s going on is this a new story? I need to stretch my acting.

Barbara

You need to act strange.

Ian

I think I can manage that.

Susan

Not as well as me. Hath at thee!

Ian

Oh no she’s threatening me with a pair of sharp scissors. We’re going to get so many complaints for that.

*****

Ian

Do you know where we are Doctor?

Doctor

Where is not as important as why?

Ian

Maybe but it would be nice to know one or the other.

Barbara

Do you think something could have entered the ship?

Doctor

No what an absurd theory. We’re more likely to crash into the Titanic.

Ian

Well is it mechanical then, couldn’t you have had the ship serviced before you left?

Doctor

I don’t know. I just don’t know. Come on sexy tell me what is wrong with you.

Barbara and Ian

What did you just say?

Doctor

Err nothing…We must take a look outside the ship.

Barbara

Good idea I really need to get out of this creepy place.

Doctor

I’m afraid that’s not possible this is a bottle show we’ll just have to stick some pictures on the screen. Here are some of our holiday snaps and look a shot of space.

Ian

I’m surprisingly under whelmed.

Doctor

Well being confused I’ve now decided the threats inside the Tardis. It is you! You sabotaged the ship so I’d take you back to England.

Barbara

That’s ridiculous. That’s exactly what we want you to do but your still being ridiculous. Oh no the clocks melted and so are our watches… kind of.

Audience

We wish they’d actually said that some of us didn’t even notice.

Doctor

Hmm this is a mystery I think we need a tea break.

Part 2 The Brink Of Disaster

Doctor

He tried to attack me.

Barbara

He’s fainted isn’t it about time you had some heart. This happened when he went near the control panel.

Doctor

I still blame you even though I let Ian touch the controls with no real training. We must put them you off the ship even if we are in the middle of space.

Barbara

I’m not sure if that’s you acting crazy or not?

Doctor

You’re right I’ll change my ways. I must gain some audience approval. We must work together we are on the brink of destruction.

Barbara

You mean the brink of disaster?

Ian

Or the edge of destruction?

Doctor

Yes, yes the whole thing is confusing.

*****

Ian

Is the Tardis alive?

Doctor

Hmmm maybe the power is moving the column.

Susan

But then why is it risking our lives?

Doctor

It’s been giving us clues to help. Perhaps it can think like a machine.

Ian

It doesn’t think like a beautiful woman then?

Doctor

Well hopefully one day it will.

Barbara

The door keeps opening but nothings there. Where are we?

Doctor

It must be the beginning of a solar system if the energy of the Tardis is trying to escape. It seems my Tardis is very adventurous.  It’s a shame we can’t afford the visuals that would look really good.

Barbara

Has anyone asked the obvious question yet? What were you doing just before the accident happened?

Doctor

No, no one has asked that really obvious question. I hit the fast return switch and what do you know the springs broken.

Ian

Are you telling us we could all die whenever one switch has a fault?

Doctor

Oh it’s just one of those glitches I need to do some work to the Tardis.

Ian

Like making proper labels instead of marking things with felt tip pens?

Doctor

Exactly! So then now we’re all friends let us go to our next destination.

Barbara

It’s strange I never get the feeling we’re travelling anywhere.

Doctor

I’m sure that in future we’ll develop more advanced time travelling effects.

Barbara

Shaky cam?

Doctor

Shaky cam.

The doors open

Barbara

Well with all the time and money we saved on this episode the next one most be really special. I’m sure it will be another classic enjoyed for decades to come.

BBC archive department

Err yeah about that…





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