This is one of my Bond movies. It's inteligent in it's use of the Media as an enemy.
Opens with a terrorist arms market on top of a mountain.
Terrorist
Missiles, planes, guns. I wish one of us had thought to bring a snowboard.
Bond sees a plane carrying nuclear missiles.
Russian General
I was wondering where I parked that.
General Git
If our missiles hit that...
M
Nothing will happen, nuclear weapons need to be self detonated.
General Git
M this is a movie.
M
Fine. Oh no, oh no.
Bond escapes with the plane.
Director Roger Spottiswoode
See, see I'm deceiving you like the media does. As I'm showing you in this
film... this overly sponsored, Hollywood film.
Audience
We think this film needed to go through a few more drafts.
The title sequence is long.... and as usual kills off any excitement built
up by the opening.
M
British sailors killed by the Chinese. We suspect Eliot Carver.
Bond
Not surprising no one can put breaking news in a newspaper. You'd think he'd
use his radio, or television stations.
M
I want you to go to his party and get information out of Elliot's wife.
Bond
Is she Russian, I can't imagine a mission that doesn't involve Russians.
M
Times change. At least the Chinese are communist.
Q
Here's your new BMW and this time you get to use the features. You can use
this mobile phone from our new sponsors Erricson to control it.
The phone stays in shot for a few more seconds before Bond goes off to see
Elliot.
Agent Lin
Hello I'm your Chinese counterpart. I'm more focused, a better fighter and
can actually work undercover. Still as your a man you'll be saving me at the
end of the film.
Eric
Hello I could be one of the most interesting Bond villains in years. Shame
my acting is so over the top. Still I do get to spout some crazy lines, I'm
like a walking newspaper.
Bond
Nice to meet you. Honestly a villain who isn't a physical threat is
refreshing. Your stock goons on the other hand.
Bond gets beaten up by the stock goons, then he beats up the stock goons in
return. This conveniently happens next to the power controls.
Stock Goons
Why do we always make the same mistakes?
Elliot
Go and get some information from Mr Bond.
Paris
I told you I don't know that banker.
Elliot
I know you're poor at figuring out secret identities but you don't fool me.
Paris goes
and sleeps with Bond, because that's what you do when your being watched by a
murderous husband.
Bond then goes and breaks into a lab meeting Agent Lin who is doing dangerous spy work
in stylish high heels.
Bond
Makes sense. As does a 300 million pound satellite sitting here for me to
push over.
He rushes back to save Paris., but she's been killed by the films best
villain.
Assassin
I'm so good they couldn't write more than 5 minutes of me. I'd better shock
myself with your super mobile phone.
Bond tries to escape in his sledge hammer proof BMW using his super mobile
phone.
Bond
Wheeee!
Bond gets bored of this after a while and like a kid chucks the car off the
building endangering many innocent lives. Only he finds this funny.
Bond
Wade even though your the most ridiculous agent I've ever met, I need your
help to skydive to a sunken ship.
Wade
No problem skydiving from 5 miles up is always that accurate.
Bond sky-dives.
Bond
If only Terri Hatcher could see me now.
Bond goes down to the wreck and bumps into Agent Lin.
Agent Lin
What remarkable timing.
They are then captured by Elliot's goons.
Elliot
What remarkable timing. May as well explain my plan, be rude not to seeing
as your here.
Bond
Very good of you.
Bond and Lin escape on a motorcycle which appears to be as invincible as a
tank. The enemy has a helicopter but instead of tracking them from up
high it tries to shoot them from ground level. Bond predictably makes it crash.
Bond
That was stupid of them.
They track down the stealth ship, after Agent Lin shows off her Kung Fu on
more nameless goons who seem to have forgotten their guns.
Agent Lin
How come neither of our countries have these stealth ships.
Bond
Well the media is powerful. Must be transmitting propaganda, everyone is
ignoring it.
Agent Lin gets caught by the villain AGAIN!
Elliot
I feel like another monologue. Tomorrow never dies.
Bond
I’d say Tomorrow never lies.
Elliot
Yes that does sound better why didn’t we use that?
Bond shoots a goon whose trying to sneak up on him.
Bond
Sorry Elliot I tuned out for a moment.
Audience
Wow a Bond one liner which isn't cringe worthy but actually witty. That's
worth a star rating by itself.
Bond blows up part of the ship with mines, very original. They escape
after some more standard gun fights and the usual gruesome death of the
villain.
Agent Lin
Shall we call the ships to pick us up.
Bond
No even though we're tired, cold and risk being lost at sea, lets get
romantic on this smoking hulk.
This ridiculous conclusion loses the film one star rating.
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced
With Out Permission.
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