The Dark Knight: First Draft Parody Script

A parody review of The Dark Knight. This one highlights more of the positive aspects as it's one of my favourite movies.

Opens with aerial shots of Gotham city. Which for once looks like a real place rather than a city designed by a manic depressive.

Foolish Goon

Wow robbing banks sure is easy. Large bank, one guard, perfect.

Heavily armed bank manager

Ha-ha you forgot me.

Foolish Goon

Whoa you’re really heavily armed.

Heavily armed bank manager

I heard there was a recession coming so I thought I’d better be prepared.

Joker

Well no one could be prepared for me,8 even after months and months of viral marketing.

Bus driver

Where are the other guys?

Joker

I gave them all the “you are my number one” speech, it blinded them to the fact they were killing each other.

Bus driver

Wait you can’t kill me I drove a bus through a bank wall with out putting a scratch on it. That must make me special?

Joker

Sorry but you’ve already had too many lines to be one of my goons in this movie.

*****

Ramirez

Waiting for Batman again? Aren’t you worried this will damage your credibility as a police officer?

Lieutenant Gordon

I’m hoping he won’t turn up.

Ramirez

Be careful he  might start seeing you as the boy who cried wolf.

****

Scarecrow

I’m back.

Audience

Wow scarecrow, hopefully it’s not a pointless cameo.

Scare crow

Nothing pointless about it. I help by delivering one of the funniest lines of 2008.

Batman

I don’t need help with funny lines.

Scare crow

Not in my diagnosis.

Batman Fakes

We think you need help as well. You let half of the criminals get away. This car park can’t have more than 2 or 3 exits. Couldn’t you have spiked them, or called the police?

Batman

I like being a lone threatening figure. I’ll call the police on you though, even if it is really hypocritical.

Cut to Batman’s new hideout which is actually a lot more spacious and practical than the bat cave. But no doubt this is only temporary.

Alfred Pennyworth

Stalking Rachel again sir?

Bruce Wayne

Nothing wrong with the hero wanting to steal another mans girlfriend… I think?

*****

Bruce Wayne

Look at his face. The face of Gotham. Harvey’s face.

Harvey Dent

I take it you’re trying to give us some subtle foreshadowing Bruce?

Bruce Wayne

Trying to.

Cut to R & D where the CEO of Wayne Enterprise still has time to tinker around with inventions.

Bruce Wayne

I need to get Lau back and I think an aerial kidnapping would be the best way.

Lucius Fox

Well there is an old technique called the Sky Hook. But it takes a great deal of skill and precision.

Bruce Wayne

I’m sure some inexperienced Korean smugglers could do it.

Lucius Fox

I really doubt…

Bruce Wayne

Excellent I’ll see you when I get back.

Bruce Wayne goes and captures Lau coming up with a ridiculous alibi which is worse than just disapearing quietly for a few days. He then comes back and throws a fundraiser party for Harvey Dent.

Rachel Dawes

So you think you’ve solved Gotham’s problems after just a few months?

Bruce Wayne

Kind of makes my 8 years of travelling a waste doesn’t it? But I think my job is…

Joker

Good evening ladies and gentleman I am the joker. Gotham’s undisputed Prince of Chaos.

Rachel Dawes

A Prince hey? Have you ever considered using one of his sound tracks?

Joker

Don’t you dare go there!

Batman

You want nuts? Let’s go nuts.

Joker

Ha ha ha. Time to show that me and my bunch of crazy goons can pose a challenging fight. Even with your years of intensive martial arts training.

Batman

Well at least the audience can see what’s going on in these fights. Hey let Rachel go.

Joker

Oh you walked right into that one.

The Joker drops Rachel out the window and she slides down the roof reaching for Batman rather than trying to slow her decent. Luckily Batman catches her.

Batman

Hopefully people saw my cape deploy briefly and slow our fall. Other wise the audience might feel that we cheated death.

Director Christopher Nolan

Don’t worry I doubt there’s many who will try to find fault with this movie.

We see Bruce Wayne using face recognition software to try and identify the Joker. Luckily for him no one has ever tried to use this on Batman. He then goes to get more evidence.which leads to Commissioner Loeb’s funeral.

Joker

Haha I take off the make up and no one notices me despite the scars.

Batman

We think alike, I came as Bruce Wayne to avoid attention.

Joker

You’re just worried the bat suit will look silly in daylight.

Batman

True.

Harvey Dent tells everyone he’s Batman to draw the Joker out into the open. It appears the Joker has super powers after all as he predicts every police movement.

Cliché cop

Holy pot holes driver.

Lieutenant Gordon

Huh?

Cliché cop

The road, it’s full of pot holes, look out!

Lieutenant Gordon

*Sigh* where’s Heath Ledger this guy’s almost ruining this chase with his “acting”.

Joker

Ha-ha you fools in your squad cars and vans. They’re no where near as fast or manoeuvrable as my big heavy lorries.

Batman

Ha-ha I’ve got a tank.

Joker

Ha-ha I’ve blown it up.

Batman

Oh no how am I supposed to catch them now?

Tumbler computer

I come with a detachable batpod.

Batman

But you were designed as a bridging vehicle why would you have that?

Tumbler computer

Err logic error 404 must self destruct.

Joker

Batpod? Better give up now before the audience starts to put thought into this chase.

*****

Commissioner Gordon

I had to do it to protect you and the kids.

Barbara Gordon

For 24 hours. What about the other 364 days of the year?

Commissioner Gordon

Look now we’ve locked up one clown Gotham is safe.

Thev phone rings.

Commissioner Gordon

Got to go.

Batman

Where is he?

Joker

You mean where are they? I’ll tell you, I just have to time it perfectly so that you have only seconds to spare.

Batman

I’m getting Rachel… don’t read too much into my motivation.

Commissioner Gordon

We’ll get Dent.

Detective Stephens

But sir we have police across the city, there’s probably someone closer if we send a call….

Commissioner Gordon

Not exciting enough. Go, go, go!

*****

Harvey Dent

Don’t worry Rachel you’re the one that will be rescued.

Rachel Dawes

But you’re a main character from the comics.

Batman

She’s right, I should have realised the Joker tricked me.

This moment of shock means they don’t escape the flames in time and half of Dent’s face burns. That must have hurt.

*****

Chechen

So what will you do with your half of the money?

Joker

Burn it, none of the bills have my face on them.

Chechen

You think you can control all of Gotham’s criminals and not offer them money as a reward?

Joker

Yeah… well no… But the sight of me standing in front of a pile of burning money will make for a great visual.

*****

Coleman Reese

I’m exposing Batman’s true identity because he should bow to this threat to save others.

TV interviewer

I’ve got to hold you for a moment we have an extraordinarily well timed phone call from the Joker.

Joker

I will blow up a hospital if someone doesn’t kill Reese. Let’s see the true colours of Gotham citizens.

Coleman Reese

Got to run.

*****

Joker

Whoa Harvey your face! I need to find a Doctor to see if that’s remotely possible… Actually I’ll first tempt you over to the dark side.

Harvey Dent

I want to kill you.

Joker

That’s a good start. The hero role clearly isn’t working for you. Villainy can make you a far more memorable character. Look at me. Look at me!

Two Face

No need to repeat yourself. You’ve convinced me.

Joker

Don’t forget a memorable villainous trait.

Two Face

The coin?

Joker

Perfect.

*****

Two Face

Hello Sal.

Sal Maroni

How did you get into my car without any of my bodyguards seeing you? Including the driver!?

Two Face

Too many questions, too many questions. Die!

*****

Commissioner Gordon

How did you find the Joker? Was it with some implausible technical wizardry?

Batman

Err no it was through clever detective work. Honest!

Commissioner Gordon

I’m sending the squat team in.

Batman

There must be more to this. Just look at them, gawping at the windows. Besides I think it’s time for my standard fist fight with the Joker.

*****

Joker

NaNaNaNa NaNaNaNa

NaNaNaNa NaNaNaNa

Have you ever done the bat dance to have some fun in the night?

Batman

I’ve had enough of your mind games this ends now. The boats won’t blow each other up.

Joker

In a country that favours the death penalty people wont blow up criminals? That is optimistic of you… Well what do you know you were right? But I’m not leaving all my plans and ambitions down to a fist fight with you.

Audience

That is a refreshing change.

Cut to the site of Rachel’s death. 

Two Face

I lost my family, you’ll lose yours.

Commissioner Gordon

We were wrong. Faith in the justice system should never be put down to one man.

Batman

This movie no longer has time for reason and motive. You realise that fighting next to a drop is a really bad idea right?

Two Face

Uh oh.

Commissioner Gordon

Two Face is dead already? That was short.

Batman

Well we’ve got to leave room for new villains. I’ll take the blame for Dent's murders. Even if it will also do damage Gotham’s morale. Better run.

Gordon’s son

Why is he running?

Commissioner Gordon

To give us a closing scene that will beg for a sequel.

Fin

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Batman Begins: First Draft Parody Script

A review and parody of Batman Begins. A movie which showed everyone how reboots should be done.

Opens with a young Bruce Wayne running aroun d with his only friend in the world.

Rachel Dawes

I’m surprised you don’t have more friends seeing that your the son of a billionaire.

Bruce Wayne

It’s always bothered me; I thought they’d want to visit me in my exciting mansion. With suits of armour, ancient spear heads, bats… Uh oh.

Cut to the present where Bruce Wayne is in a jail.

Ra’s al Ghul

If you want purpose or at the very least some decent combat skills, come to the top of the mountain tomorrow. Bring flowers. Our leader likes flowers.

Bruce Wayne

Can you tell me which road to take up the mountain?

Ra’s al Ghul

You must discover the path yourself Mr Wayne.

Bruce Wayne

Nothing’s easy.

*****

Fake Ra’s al Ghul

Welcome Mr Wayne it is time to begin your training along with a series of flash backs.

Bruce Wayne

But I’m tired, why do you live all the way up here anyway?

Fake Ra’s al Ghul

Ninjas enjoy snow boarding too and soon so will you.

Flashback to a young Bruce Wayne, we get to see how close he was to his parents and how they were murdered. We get only 5 minutes of this so it can’t be that important to his origin story.

Thomas Wayne

This opera’s exciting isn’t it Bruce?

Bruce Wayne

Why am I the only kid in the audience then? Can we go now?

Thomas Wayne

Sure we’ll take the back entrance; there can’t possibly any danger for a rich family walking down these alleys in the middle of the night.

*****

James Gordon

Wow I’m in this movie already? And I’m ageless, fantastic… I mean sorry about your parents Bruce.

Young Bruce Wayne

Don’t worry it’s a good set up for why I like and trust you.

Commissioner Loebe

Good news son we caught him already. I was worried it would take longer than a few hours and cause a lot of unwanted media pressure.

Young Bruce Wayne

I don’t think I like you though.

*****

Ra's al Ghul

So you feel guilty about your parents?

Bruce Wayne

My anger out weighs my guilt.

Ra's al Ghul

Good, gooood. You’re anger makes you strong.

*****

Ra's al Ghul

You almost shot the man who killed your parents and you’re surprised that we’re into executing criminals?

Bruce Wayne

Well I still can’t get my last conversation with Rachel out of my head. She’s prettier than you are. She’s also not completely nuts like you, something I should have noticed when I entered your mountain hide out.

Ra's al Ghul

So you won’t kill in the name of justice?

Bruce Wayne

No I won’t kill anyone… Unless they’re unable to escape this building which I’m about to blow up really easily.

Bruce Wayne escapes saving the life of Ra's al Ghul in the process. Because this is an origins story and he doesn’t yet realise how things like this tend to come back to haunt you.

Alfred Pennyworth

Good to see that you are alive Sir. I hope the 8 year absence has allowed you to finally deal with your issues.

Bruce Wayne

Actually I plan to dress like a bat and fight crime.

Alfred Pennyworth

Oh my. You realise Sir that you could afford some of the best therapists in the world?

*****

William Earle

Wayne Enterprise is going public; there is nothing you can do about it.

Bruce Wayne

Sure you keep believing that. Now can you introduce me to a friendly overworked scientist?

*****

Batman

Why hasn’t anyone stopped Falcone?

Sergeant Gordon

We can’t just go in, guns blazing, with the hope of finding some evidence. This movie is meant to be realistic you know.

Batman

If you want to be realistic shave off the moustache.

Sergeant Gordon

You have 10 seconds to get out of my sight.

Bruce Wayne

I want a set of wheels, the Tumbler looks good.

Lucius Fox

You realise I didn’t build that thing by myself right? If you start driving around in it someone’s going remember where it came from.

Bruce Wayne

Do you want to design and build one from scratch?

Lucius Fox

Safe driving Mr Wayne.

*****

Carmine Falcone

I’m here to over see things from my car.

Detective Flass

Great I’m really glad you took the risk to come here and do nothing.

Goon

Run we’re being attacked.

Carmine Falcone

Why did I only bring a shotgun? Ahh!

Batman

I’m Batman.

Carmine Falcone

Really? Nice voice, it's intimidating and will help stop anyone from recognising who you are.

Batman

Thanks. Hey flattery will get you nowhere; I’m going to use you to send a signal to the crime world.

*****

Rachel Dawes

Wow Bruce you’re back after all these years.

Bruce Wayne

Were you concerned about me?

Rachel Dawes

Not at all, even though the last time I saw you, was outside Falcone’s club.

Bruce Wayne

Wow nothing worries you does it?

Batman discovers the other drugs are stored somewhere in the narrows. Seeing as this is such a large area, he decides he’ll easily be able to find them by going building by building.

Dr Crane

Fear me!

Batman

Fear me!

Dr Crane

Fear me!

Batman

Fear me!

Scarecrow

Enough! I’m going to put my mask on now; we need to move this story up a gear. Here have some fear gas.

Batman

Oh no bats, maybe I still do need therapy.

*****

Rachel Dawes

I’ve come alone to confront you about Falcone… I shouldn’t have said I was alone should I?

Dr Crane

No.

Batman

I’m here for another confusing fight scene.

Scarecrow

I’ll just get you with the fear gas again.

Batman

Actually I’ve found a way to make myself immune to it even when you haven’t. Ha!

*****

Sergeant Gordon

Batman I’m here to help, I want my part in this movie to mean something.

Batman

This is fantastic for back up I have you, Alfred, Lucius and now Bats. How did Michael Keaton ever cope alone?

Sergeant Gordon

Glad I could help… by carrying Rachel down a few stairs... How about getting a sidekick?

Batman

No, I think that would be a bad idea.

Batman takes his Tumbler on a wild chase across the roof tops. He crushes some police cars and drops spikes that cause vehicles to flip rather than just have there tires punctured.

Police, camera, action

Wow I wish we could get footage like this.

Batman

Don’t worry Rachel we’ll make it. I just hope I’m not breaking my one rule in this insane chase.

Rachel Dawes

Why didn’t you just bring the anti dote with you?

Batman

I haven’t yet invented the hold anything for every occasion utility belt. I guess I could have kept the drugs in my glove box though.

*****

Alfred Pennyworth

How did you make it past the police?

Batman

Stealth mode.

Alfred Pennyworth

Sir we don’t want to take the invisible car route, that almost destroyed the Bond franchise.

Batman

No no it’s highly technical and plausible. I just turned off the vehicles lights.

Alfred Pennyworth

Right… I guess I’d better take Rachel home. Hopefully she doesn’t wake up on the way back it ,could lead to some awkward questions.

Ra’s al Ghul returns and burns down Wayne Manor. He doesn’t directly kill Bruce though. He didn’t spend all these years planning to destroy Gotham City so that he could do it intelligently.

Alfred Pennyworth

Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Bruce Wayne

I wonder if Joel Schumacher is listening?

*****

Batman

We need to stop the train before it reaches Wayne Towers.

Sergeant Gordon

Easy, I’ll just call up and get them to cut the tracks power.

Batman

That’s not exciting enough and it won’t endanger anyone’s life. Besides I want a fist fight with Ra’s al Ghul.

*****

Ra’s al Ghul

You again!

Batman

I’m here to stop you.

Ra’s al Ghul

You don’t need to be on the train to do that, but I appreciate it that you made the effort.

Batman

It will give you a good death scene.

Ra’s al Ghul

But you don’t kill people.

Batman

Yeah but I don’t have to save you either.

Ra’s al Ghul

Sure there’s nothing morally ambiguous about that.

*****

Batman

Shall we shoe horn in a bit of last minute romantic interest.

Rachel Dawes

People who’ve been friends since they were kids normally find that weird. Besides I’m not sure which is your true identity Batman or Bruce Wayne.

Batman

I guess you’re right. At least I can rely on you to have a stable identity.

*****

Lieutenant Gordon

So shall we deliver a perfect set up for the next film?

Batman

Ooh the Joker. I like that.

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Batman And Robin: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with the darkest part of the movie, the title screen.

Batman

Look at my wheels I bet you want a car?

Robin

Are you kidding me it has one seat and no protective covering you may as well ride a bike.

Batman

What do you want from me a tank?

*****

Batman

I’m Batman.

Mr Freeze

Ice to meet you.

Batman

That’s not funny.

Mr Freeze

It gets worse.

Robin

I’m Robin.

Mr Freeze

See?

Batman

Whoa ice hockey goons. We’ll be America you be Canada… no wait.

Mr Freeze

Ha ha I win. .I’ll kill you next time.

Batman

Why kill me now.

Mr Freeze

Do not try to bring cold logic into this movie.

*****

Pamela Isley

Your experiments are horrific.

Dr Woodrue

And your attempts to mix animals and plants aren’t?

Pamela Isley

I guess my idea that plants are worth more than humans suggests that I’m smoking something, but that is against my ethics.

Dr Woodrue

I don’t think I  can work with you, it’s best to kill you in a super power inducing way.

*****

Bruce Wayne

And there’s the back story for Mr Freeze. We don’t want to get into it too much because… well because we have such a complex plot to get through…

Dick Grayson

Alfred are you ill?

Alfred

When I’m running around this huge mansion doing all the work myself? Certainly not. And I’m supposed to be the most important person in Mr Wayne’s life.

Bruce Wayne

Yes, whatever, I’ll have dinner in my room tonight Alfred.

Cut to the secret lair of Mr Freeze. Despite needing a place that needs to be frozen the police are completely inept at tracking him down.

Mr Freeze

Come on everybody sing along.

Audience

We hate this movie.

Director Joel Schumacher

Come on guys can’t you accept this as a fun almost parody like version of Batman.

Audience

No!

Director Joel Schumacher

Well I sure missed the mark with this one. Man I miss the 60’s.

*****

Alfed

May I introduce Barbara who is Commisioner Gordon’s daughter.

Barbara Wilson

Actually I’m your niece.

Alfred

You are? Wonderful more responsibility for me.

Barbara Wilson

You see my parents were killed by….

Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson

By a psychopathic killer?

Barbara Wilson

No it was an accident.

Bruce Wayne

Oh, well I can’t see how we’ll work out your motivation then.

*****

Goon

Sir look at this headline.

Mr Freeze

Do you mind I’m having a character moment here.

Goon

Wow that’s more than Two Face got in the last movie.

Mr Freeze

Fanicetic isn’t it?

Goon

If only you could drop the stupid puns you might be preferred as a  villain as well.

*****

Poison Ivy

I’m Poison Ivy. You can still trust me despite the name, honest.

Batman

Sounds good but you look familiar. If only your eyebrows weren’t hidden by thin plants maybe I’d recognise you.

*****

Batman

Despite the fact your bike can skid as fast as my car drives, I’m stopping you.

Robin

But you need me.

Batman

Actually I’ve somehow caught Freeze by myself.

Robin

Oh.

Alfred

Time for a emotional scene sir?

Bruce Wayne

It’s bound to be interrupted… wait were getting to go on. Wow Joel Schumacher actually learnt something from the last movie. But forgot a lot of other stuff

*****

Bane

Grrr.

Poison Ivy

Bane I really need a plan surely there’s more to you?

Bane

Grrr.

Poison Ivy

*Sigh* ok fine just beat up these thugs.

*****

Barbara Wilson

Fancy a dangerous night on the town?

Dick Grayson

Been there done that. My characters already developed haha.

Barbara Wilson

Yeah well I’m more important this time. I’m here to rescue Alfred from this abysmal life he’s always spoken so highly of.

Dick Grayson

I’m sure he’ll be thankful.

*****

Poison Ivy

I’m here to rescue you.

Mr Freeze

How can our plans possibly work together? Are plants fans of the cold?

Poison Ivy

We’ll worry about that later for now let us escape.

Mr Freeze

Okay lets go through the wall.

Poison Ivy

Have you seen how high up we are?

Director Joel Schumacher

Haven’t you noticed physics don’t apply in this movie?

Poison Ivy

In a franchise that has the one super hero that’s meant to be limited by the real world limitations. Great.

*****

Commissioner Gordon

Glad you made it Batman and Robin. Hey do you realise you got a side kick at the same time Bruce Wayne got a new house mate? Funny that.

Batman

You realise you’re still completely useless, funny that.

Commissioner Gordon

Shh, I don’t want to be replaced.

*****

Bruce Wayne

Fancy settling our differences and working together?

Dick Grayson

Sure. We managed to in the last movie. Still I guess the tension has giving me some depth.

Bruce Wayne

No it hasn’t.

*****

Computer Alfred

Hello Barbara before I died I wanted to encourage you into a really dangerous line of work which ruins the lives of those who do it.

Barbara Wilson

Uncle you’re the greatest.

Computer Alfred

You’re welcome I hope you can fight in high heels.

Barbara Wilson

What beautiful movie heroine can’t?

*****

Robin

Sucker you’re poison didn’t work because of rubber my lips.

Poison Ivy

Great trap kissing me for no reason so that I can overpower you anyway.

Batgirl

Not so fast.

Batman

Oh great not another one. Look I just don’t think you and Robin can strike fear into the criminals of Gotham like I do.

Batgirl

You mean like you used to do? Besides without us you might get your back broken or something.

Batman

Ok fine, but in future you need to make a more dramatic entrance.

Batgirl

I dealt with Poison Ivy didn’t I?

Audience

Great so now Batman can’t defeat even her on his own.

*****

Mr Freeze

You can’t stop me I’m going to Freeze the city.

Batman

Why?

Mr Freeze

I don’t know it just seems to suit my character.

They fight Freeze who has lost his goons and most of his fighting ability.

Batman

So we’ve melted the city and everyone will be ok. Doesn’t make sense but I guess even stupid ideas need a climax.

Robin

And we managed the important job of stopping Bane it’s  good job he wasn’t with Poison Ivy.

Batman

Freeze can you cure my friend?

Mr Freeze

Sure why not?

Batman

Wow thanks for turning into a super villain I might not have found a cure otherwise.

*****

Alfred

I’m alive hoorah.

Bruce Wayne

Great because with three of us you now have a lot more work to do.

Alfred

Marvellous just marvellous, I think this series should return to basics. I’m getting to old for this.

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Batman Forever: First Draft Parody Script

Batman Forevever reviewed in a parody script. It's not an awful movie and it has some good ideas, such as Bruce Wayne coming to peace with who he is. But the story gets too silly at times and Two Face is a let down.

Opens with various close up shots of Batman’s body. This fails to build a mood and gives the audience an awful sense of unease.

Alfred

Sandwich sir?

Music blares from the Bat Mobile “Like a bat out of hell I’ll be gone gone gone…”

 

Batman

I think I’ll have Meat Loaf.

*****

Batman

Hello Two Face I’m Batman.

Two Face

I know who you are, we used to be friends before I got a face full of acid.

Batman

I don’t want there to be any hard feelings between us Harvey. Wait you’re Harvey Dent? What about Billy Dee Williams?

Director Joel Schumacher

I was afraid his acting would over shadow yours.

Batman

Good point.

Two Face

So do you want to hang from my helicopter as a homage to the 60’s Batman Movie?

Batman

Will I catch you if I do that?

Two Face

In the first 10 minutes of the movie? Not likely. We’ll get to see more of a newly digitized Gotham city though.

Batman

Ok then.

Cut to Wayne Enterprise where  Edward Nigma, has a highly scientific workstation surrounded by psychedelic television images.

Edward Nigma

I’m so excited to meet you Mr Wayne ooh I have a proposition for you.

Bruce Wayne

Umm a business one I hope.

Edward Nigma

My idea is to beam images directly into the brain to enhance the movie watching experience.

Bruce Wayne

How will it enhance the movie experience exactly?

Edward Nigma

Everything will look 3d.

Bruce Wayne

That doesn’t really require brain manipulation does it?

Edward Nigma

Well no, but it saves the audience from wearing goofy glasses.

*****

Dr Chase

Mind if I flirt with you awkwardly?

Batman

What about Dr Cameron?

Dr Chase

*Sigh* what if I dressed like Catwoaman?

Batman

I don’t think movie goers can handle another Catwoman.

*****

Alfred

I know this  short news clip is giving you the only background information on Two Face you’ll get in this movie. But can I draw your attention to an accident at Wayne Enterprise?

Bruce Wayne

I get no peace as Batman. I get no peace as Bruce Wayne. When am I supposed to sleep?

Comissioner Gordon

Yep definitely suicide even with that mysterious clue.

Bruce Wayne

Is you’re character really going to be completely useless prior to the Christopher Nolan movies?

Commisiioner Gordon

 Yes.

Bruce Wayne

Then please just go away.

Cut to Gotham circus.

Dr Chase

These clowns aren’t going to start killing people are they?

Bruce Wayne

I sure hope not I need a break… I mean Batman needs a break.

Two Face

Good evening ladies and gentlemen we’re tonights entertainment. At least we’ll try to be my plan is pretty dull and unlikely to work.

Commissioner Gordon

Anyone notice how Bruce Wayne fights like Batman?

Bruce Wayne

Anyone notice how I’m the only one fighting these criminals?

Commissioner Gordon

Err carry on.

Dick Grayson

I’ll go and handle the bomb. I’m not sure how I’ll do it but it will be heroic.

Grayson Family

Ok we’ll hang around  the bomb as it goes through the scaffolding. This can't possibly achieve anything more than premature detonation, but we’re the heroes family we can’t be killed.

Dick Grayson

You realise the movie series is about the tragic hero right?        

  

Grayson Family

Uh oh.              

Dick’s family dies and everyone decides the best place for him to stay is with Bruce Wayne. A man who has clearly done a good job in getting over the murder of his parents.

Dick Grayson

I’m out of here to kill Two Face.

Bruce Wayne

But look at my pretty Bikes.

Dick Grayson

Revenge can wait.

Alfred

Time for a serious scene sir.

Bruce Wayne

I don’t think I can handle that. Oh look saved by the Bat Signal again.

*****

Riddler

Hello Harvey I’m… the riddler.

Two Face

Not the best entrance I’ve seen and I don’t really want you stealing my screen time. Prepare to die.

Riddler

But I have a plan to get Batman and this m7ovie could really do with a plot.

TwoFace

I see your point. Ok let’s work together.

Riddler

Spankyou.

Two Face

What!?

Riddler

Sorry I’m struggling with this whole new character thing.

*****

Dick Grayson

Time to go from really upset to cool. I’m so cool even when doing my laundry.

Alfred

Jolly good sir.

Dick Grayson

So… mind if I steal the Bat Mobile.

Alfred

Well I guess it would give you something to do sir.

*****

Dr Chase

Time for another serious conversation?

BruceWayne

Well ok then I guess it’s inevitable.

Alfred

Sorry to interrupt you sir but Joel Schumacher insists on another silly fight scene.

*****

Edward Nigma

Party time and mine is far more fun than Bruce Waynes.

Bruce Wayne

Well I can’t argue with you there. So all I have to do to deactivate your machine is remove one usb stick?

Sugar

Yeh.

Bruce Wayne

And theirs no chance you’d be carrying a spare?

Sugar

Certainly not.

Two Face

Time to spoil everyone’s fun again.

Audience

Groan.

Batman

So another fight then?

                            

Twin Face

Yep and I’m going to win this one but won’t stick around to ensure you’re dead.

Robin

Here I am to save the day.

Batman

If you hadn’t of taken so long getting changed you might have caught Two Face as well.

Robin

So much for gratitude I can see why you haven’t had a sidekick before.

*****

Batman

I’m here so that we can get it on. Although I’m not sure how I can conceal my identity and have sex with you.

Dr Chase

It doesn’t matter I’m actually in love with Bruce Wayne.

Batman

You're right it doesn’t matter at all.

*****

Two Face and Riddler invade Wayne Mansion which apparently has no security.

Batman

Two Face you laugh more than the Joker.

Two Face

What do you want from me inner turmoil?

Batman

Yes.

Two Face

Tough.

*****

Batman

Right time to go capture Two Face and the Riddler.

Alfred

We have to solve these riddles first it will only take a minute.

Batman

We don’t have time they must be really complicated.

Alfred

No sir they will just take one minute. It’s a shame we didn’t work it out before dinner it could have saved us a lot of trouble.

*****

Two Face

So we have both a bat boat and bat plane approaching? Batman can’t be controlling both of them.

Riddler

No point worrying or even thiking about that.  Prepare the bombs.

Two Face

Don’t we want them alive?

Riddler

Of course we do an explosion could never kill them.

*****

Robin

Holy ridiculous plot device Batman.

Batman

Huh?

Robin

The island, it’s splitting in two for no reason, you know ridiculous.

Batman

Oh.

*****

Riddler

So Batman I see you escaped my spiky tower of death.

Batman

Yeah how did you build that without the constructors asking questions?

Riddler

Riddles Batman, riddles. Now you have a choice you can save either Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend or Batmans side kick.

Batman

That wouldn’t be a tough decision.

Robin

Hey!

Batman

Don’t worry I’ll easily be able to save you both.

He does and it comes down to a climtic final  confrontation with Two Face.

Two Face

I have you now Batman.

Batman

Hey Two Face look shiny coins.

Two Face

Ooh, Ahhh!

Batman

Such a waste.  As for you Riddler we’ll take you to Arkum Asylum. There you can get over all the rubbish that has been fed to you for the last couple of hours.

Robin

So the next movie will have both Batman and Robin, pretty exciting huh?

Batman

It better be, we don’t want it killing the franchise after a movie called Batman Forever.

Fin





Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Batman Returns: First Draft Parody Script

 Batman Returns is a good film but I don't think it matches up to the first. Nolan had the right idea. Watching it again I realised how dark it is.

Opens with the Penguin’s birth. His parents decide to kill him, knowing that the Gotham police have a high level of tolerance for murderers.

Penguins

Oh how cute a baby. It must be able to survive on fish so we’ll raise it.

The Penguin survives his upbringing to plan his revenge on Gotham using a circus army. They are all very excited to have an audience again. 

Max Shreck

Stilt walkers, unicycle’s, fire breathing, this is rather exciting. Wait where are the clowns?

Penguin

Everybody misses the Joker. Why won’t anyone give me a chance. *Sob*

Max Shreck

Look I didn’t mean to offend you. No no don’t attack me here take my son.

Max Shreck’s son

Man you are such an ogre.

Commissioner Gordan

Don’t worry I’m here to bravely tell someone to signal Batman.

Batman arrives and kills a bunch of the Penguin’s goons and quite likely a few friendly street performers too.

Batman

Man I’m heroic, and Dark and brooding. Always brooding.

 *****

Penguin

I’ve collected some bizarre and non submittable evidence to bribe you into helping me.

Max Shreck

No need for that, it is my pleasure to play the villain in a movie where everyone else makes me look normal.

*****

Selina Kyle

So you’re going to bribe me rather than kill me then?

Max Shreck

No I’m going to kill you. This movie could use a villain that actually comes across as a physical threat.

Selina Kyle

Ah you killed me. Grrrr!

Tim Burton

Do you want to be known as Catwoman or The Bitch?

Selina Kyle

Meow.

Tim Burton

That’s better.

Selina Kyle

Good, now that I’m in an uncontrollable rage I will create a really complicated outfit.

*****

Penguin

Oh I’m so tragic and alone.

Batman

So am I. But I still don’t like you.

Penguin

Never mind at least I know my name. Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot.

Batman

Well you wont become any more popular with a name like that.

Penguin

That is it! You are now my hated enemy.

The Red Triangle Gang terrorise the streets of Gotham, so Batman turns up to fight them in a comical fashion.

Batman

Ah yes this takes me back to the sixties. I just miss the textualised soundeffects.

Cut to the Catwoman who sumersaults though a store like she’s doing the most impressive acrobatics in the world.

Cut back to Batman

Biff. Bash. BANG!

Batman

Oh this is so satisfying.

Audience

But Batman doesn’t kill people.

Batman

Would you prefer Arnold Schwarzenegger, bad catch phrases and nipples on the bat suit?

Audience

No.

Batman

Shut up then.

*****

Batman

Wow you’re a tough opponent to fight.

Catwoman

But I’m just a secretary. What about all your ninja training?

Batman

My what?

*****

Penguin

So with my unknown history and complete lack of experience I will make the perfect Mayor.

Gotham Voters

Yay.

Catwoman

Want to be partners.

Penguin

Do I?

Catwoman

I mean crime partners.

Penguin

Why?

Catwoman

Just go with it, it wont be for long.

Batman gets set up for murder in a really contrived way, but everyone believes it and turns against him. 

Penguin

They hate you.

Batman

I’m Batman! Batman!

Penguin

They don’t care. Now let me hijack your mechanical car with a remote device.

Batman

How can you do that?

Penguin

How can you interrupt my candidate speech with a recording.

Batman

I see your point, best not to ask questions.

*****

Penguin

Now my sweet it is time to betray you after we’ve accomplished nothing together.

Catwoman

Great another fall from some great height. I really should swipe  Batmans utility belt next time.

*****

Penguin

Hmm I lost the Mayor campaign and I’m no good in a fist fight… I know I’ll kill all of Gotham’s firstborn sons.

Penguin’s Henchman

But sir that would take months assuming none of us are caught.

Penguin

Not with my super duper gee wiz army of penguins.

Audience

How on earth can Tim Burton prefer this to his first Batman Movie?

Batman manages to stop the penguins with his Bat jamming penguins device. He then chases the Penguin in his Bat Boat.

Batman

My beautiful bat mobile was trashed so that I can use this boat for 2 minutes of screen time.

The Penguin holds up his umbrella.

Penguin

Will this cheer you up?

Batman

I can’t see how.

Penguin

Are you kidding it has so many applications. Like your utility belt but more useful when it rains.

Batman

Ooh lets share tech.

Penguin

No I’d rather kill you I just wanted to one up you in something.

Batman

Well despite being my weakest enemy ever I still need the help of bats to defeat you.

Penguin

Forgotten your training huh?

Batman

Everyone’s bringing that up.

Max Schreck

Hello I’m back after having nothing important to do, to give Catwoman a moral dilemma.

Catwoman

I have no dilemma. I just need to decide how kill you in a way that will be really painful for me as well.

She electrocutes Max Shreck sealing the movies status as the least family friendly in the series.

Alfred

Ready to go home sir?

Bruce Wayne

You know I’ve just realised it’s really stupid how you are my only ally. I need a partner or at least a competent Commissioner. Perhaps someone who knows how to build a tough bat mobile would be good as well.

Alfred

Maybe you could finish the film with a little character development sir.

Bruce Wayne

How? Ooh a cat something for me to care for, maybe that could show I’m developing a more caring side.

Alfred

Um yes quite.

*****

Catwoman

Ah the Bat signal, showing Batman is once again in Gotham’s favour as easily as he fell out of it. And I’m still alive to perhaps fight crime or continue as a villain.

Studio and advertisers

We’re going to have a hard time selling thismovie to kids.

Fin

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.