Batman Returns: First Draft Parody Script

 Batman Returns is a good film but I don't think it matches up to the first. Nolan had the right idea. Watching it again I realised how dark it is.

Opens with the Penguin’s birth. His parents decide to kill him, knowing that the Gotham police have a high level of tolerance for murderers.

Penguins

Oh how cute a baby. It must be able to survive on fish so we’ll raise it.

The Penguin survives his upbringing to plan his revenge on Gotham using a circus army. They are all very excited to have an audience again. 

Max Shreck

Stilt walkers, unicycle’s, fire breathing, this is rather exciting. Wait where are the clowns?

Penguin

Everybody misses the Joker. Why won’t anyone give me a chance. *Sob*

Max Shreck

Look I didn’t mean to offend you. No no don’t attack me here take my son.

Max Shreck’s son

Man you are such an ogre.

Commissioner Gordan

Don’t worry I’m here to bravely tell someone to signal Batman.

Batman arrives and kills a bunch of the Penguin’s goons and quite likely a few friendly street performers too.

Batman

Man I’m heroic, and Dark and brooding. Always brooding.

 *****

Penguin

I’ve collected some bizarre and non submittable evidence to bribe you into helping me.

Max Shreck

No need for that, it is my pleasure to play the villain in a movie where everyone else makes me look normal.

*****

Selina Kyle

So you’re going to bribe me rather than kill me then?

Max Shreck

No I’m going to kill you. This movie could use a villain that actually comes across as a physical threat.

Selina Kyle

Ah you killed me. Grrrr!

Tim Burton

Do you want to be known as Catwoman or The Bitch?

Selina Kyle

Meow.

Tim Burton

That’s better.

Selina Kyle

Good, now that I’m in an uncontrollable rage I will create a really complicated outfit.

*****

Penguin

Oh I’m so tragic and alone.

Batman

So am I. But I still don’t like you.

Penguin

Never mind at least I know my name. Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot.

Batman

Well you wont become any more popular with a name like that.

Penguin

That is it! You are now my hated enemy.

The Red Triangle Gang terrorise the streets of Gotham, so Batman turns up to fight them in a comical fashion.

Batman

Ah yes this takes me back to the sixties. I just miss the textualised soundeffects.

Cut to the Catwoman who sumersaults though a store like she’s doing the most impressive acrobatics in the world.

Cut back to Batman

Biff. Bash. BANG!

Batman

Oh this is so satisfying.

Audience

But Batman doesn’t kill people.

Batman

Would you prefer Arnold Schwarzenegger, bad catch phrases and nipples on the bat suit?

Audience

No.

Batman

Shut up then.

*****

Batman

Wow you’re a tough opponent to fight.

Catwoman

But I’m just a secretary. What about all your ninja training?

Batman

My what?

*****

Penguin

So with my unknown history and complete lack of experience I will make the perfect Mayor.

Gotham Voters

Yay.

Catwoman

Want to be partners.

Penguin

Do I?

Catwoman

I mean crime partners.

Penguin

Why?

Catwoman

Just go with it, it wont be for long.

Batman gets set up for murder in a really contrived way, but everyone believes it and turns against him. 

Penguin

They hate you.

Batman

I’m Batman! Batman!

Penguin

They don’t care. Now let me hijack your mechanical car with a remote device.

Batman

How can you do that?

Penguin

How can you interrupt my candidate speech with a recording.

Batman

I see your point, best not to ask questions.

*****

Penguin

Now my sweet it is time to betray you after we’ve accomplished nothing together.

Catwoman

Great another fall from some great height. I really should swipe  Batmans utility belt next time.

*****

Penguin

Hmm I lost the Mayor campaign and I’m no good in a fist fight… I know I’ll kill all of Gotham’s firstborn sons.

Penguin’s Henchman

But sir that would take months assuming none of us are caught.

Penguin

Not with my super duper gee wiz army of penguins.

Audience

How on earth can Tim Burton prefer this to his first Batman Movie?

Batman manages to stop the penguins with his Bat jamming penguins device. He then chases the Penguin in his Bat Boat.

Batman

My beautiful bat mobile was trashed so that I can use this boat for 2 minutes of screen time.

The Penguin holds up his umbrella.

Penguin

Will this cheer you up?

Batman

I can’t see how.

Penguin

Are you kidding it has so many applications. Like your utility belt but more useful when it rains.

Batman

Ooh lets share tech.

Penguin

No I’d rather kill you I just wanted to one up you in something.

Batman

Well despite being my weakest enemy ever I still need the help of bats to defeat you.

Penguin

Forgotten your training huh?

Batman

Everyone’s bringing that up.

Max Schreck

Hello I’m back after having nothing important to do, to give Catwoman a moral dilemma.

Catwoman

I have no dilemma. I just need to decide how kill you in a way that will be really painful for me as well.

She electrocutes Max Shreck sealing the movies status as the least family friendly in the series.

Alfred

Ready to go home sir?

Bruce Wayne

You know I’ve just realised it’s really stupid how you are my only ally. I need a partner or at least a competent Commissioner. Perhaps someone who knows how to build a tough bat mobile would be good as well.

Alfred

Maybe you could finish the film with a little character development sir.

Bruce Wayne

How? Ooh a cat something for me to care for, maybe that could show I’m developing a more caring side.

Alfred

Um yes quite.

*****

Catwoman

Ah the Bat signal, showing Batman is once again in Gotham’s favour as easily as he fell out of it. And I’m still alive to perhaps fight crime or continue as a villain.

Studio and advertisers

We’re going to have a hard time selling thismovie to kids.

Fin

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Batman: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a street mugging.

Woman

I am so afraid, how am I meant to cope with all these criminals on the street.

Batman       

You no longer have to fear. I am a vigilante here to do away with lawlessness.

Woman                                             

Isn’t that a bit hypocritical?

Muggers

Look man everyone is against you. Why do you bother?

Batman

I’m Batman!

Muggers

Yes, but why are you Batman? We could do with a film just to explain that decision.

Batman

Humph that’s never going to happen.

 *****

Commissioner Gordon

Crime, crime, maybe I could handle this if I was younger and slimmer.

Harvey Dent

A lot slimmer.

Commissioner Gordon

Whoa Harvey you’re black.

Harvey Dent

Is that a problem?

Tim Burton

Not as long as I’m directing.

Joel Schumacher

Umm…

 *****

Grissom’s girlfriend

Are you in love with me Jack?

Jack Napier

Of course not.

Grissom’s girlfriend

Then why are you risking your life to sleep with me?

Jack Napier

Because I have nothing to fear from that Joker.

 *****

Knox

Hello mind if I flirt with you?

Vicky Vale

You’re name is short for obnoxious isn’t it?

Knox

Yes but you’re still stuck with me for the entire movie.  

Vicky Vale

Do you know who Bruce Wayne is?

Bruce Wayne

You’re such a great reporter that you didn’t research the most famous man in Gotham?

Vicky Vale

It will make for a cute introduction later.

Cut to the robbery of Gotham chemical plant where Jack has forgotten to post look outs.

Regular Goon

Oh no we’re surrounded by police…. Who have about as many men as we do?

Bob the Goon

Don’t worry I’m sure Jack has an ace up his sleeve.

Jack Napier

Err run.

Regular Goon

But they don’t even out number us.

Batman      

Good job I turned up then.

Jack Napier

What the? You look like a freak.

Batman

And you look really boring; I guess you’re not the main villain after all.

Jack Napier

That won’t do, let’s fight above this vat of chemicals.

Jack falls into the conveniently dangerous but not lethal chemicals. Batman uses a smoke bomb to make his escape. The smoke fails to hide him but still makes for a nice visual.

Grissom

Mmm a nice relaxing shower in my office.

Joker

You set me up over a woman?

Grissom

And for insulting me. I have a reputation to maintain. I am the king after all you’re just a lowly jack.

Joker

No now I’m the Joker, hahahaha. I wish I could control my laughter so that I don’t laugh at jokes like that.

 *****

Knox

How are things with the boyfriend?

Vicky Vale

He brushed me off. I’m going to stalk him with my camera as I still can’t bothered to look into his famous history.

Cut to the gangsters doing a press conference. We see another reason for Bruce Wayne’s deep anger. Street mimes.

Joker

I kill a group of well known crime bosses. IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE GOTHAM PRESS. And Batman gets the headlines?

Bob the Goon

Well you did kind of do Batman’s job for him.

Joker

Fine I’ll poison the city supplies. Robbing news reporters of their cosmetics will get their attention.

 *****

Bruce Wayne

Time to break out the Bat chemistry set.

Alfred

I’m sure we’ll do better than all of the best scientific minds in Gotham combined.

The Joker takes a bunch of disgruntled art students to attack Gotham’s art gallery.

Vicky Vale

Please spare me.

Joker

I’m not planning to kill you.

Vicky Vale

 I mean please spare me from that Prince music.

Joker

But I just bought the album.

Batman

Never fear I’m here to rescue you with my flash bat mobile.

Vicky Vale

It’s really long for a car with just two seats.

Batman

It needs space for the rocket at the back.

Vicky Vale

But it’s no faster than the other cars. What do you need a rocket for? Driving across Gotham’s roof tops?

Batman

FINE! We’ll walk.

Vicky Vale

No I didn’t mean to offend you… this is stupid.

Batman’s decision to take a stroll during a dangerous chase almost leads to his death. But he eventually over powers and beats up the Joker’s goons so Batman is happy.

Batman

Now to the Bat Cave to get rid of that photographic proof of my identity.

Vicky Vale

I think I’ll be able to recognise the location of your cave if I’m awake in the car with you.

Batman

Well I’m sure an ambitious reporter like you won’t take advantage of the knowledge.

 *****

Joker

Excuse me. Have you ever watched The X Factor on a cold lonely night?

Bruce Wayne

Err no why?

Joker

It won’t kill you but it will certainly make you stranger. This gun will kill you though…. unless you’re the title character.

Bruce Wayne

Or unless I put a thin tea tray over my chest hoping it will stop a bullet.

 *****

Alfred

Time for a flash back sir?

Bruce Wayne

Just a quick one, no need to get bogged down in my back story. Whoa Jack Napier killed my parents… and I’m only now figuring this out despite his first name being shouted out right in front of me.

The Joker gets his carnival going. Despite being a proven murderer no one thinks to arrest him.

Batman

I could do with at least one competent ally. Where’s Commissioner Gordon, having an all you can eat buffet?

Joker

Batman how did you design and construct that plane without anyone discovering your identity? Oh just come on then, I want you to do it. Hit me! Hit me!

Despite being fired at by bullets, missiles and a few copies of Batman and Robin. The Joker remains untouched, whilst Batman crashes.

Joker

Looks like it comes down to a good old fashioned fist fight then. Hey you have armour that’s not fair.

Batman

Well what happened to all your guns?

Joker

Err…

The Joker decides that hanging from the ladder is the safest form of escape, but of course he falls.

Joker

Hahahaha… oh oh you’re actually going to let me die. Ahh!

 *****

Batman

Finally I am accepted by the citizens of Gotham. Here’s a signal if you ever need me.

Commissioner Gordon

What if we need you during the day?

Batman

I’ll leave the logistics to you. I need to go strike a heroic pose to close.

Fin

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.