Sunday 14 August 2011

James Bond Goldenneye: First Draft Parody Script

Good movie better game



Opens with Bond bungee jumping down a dam.

Audience
Is that really the best way to get down a dam?

Director Martin Campbell
Look you're the ones who didn't like the last rougher more realistic Bond.

Audience
True we'll never like such a Bond again.

Bond walks around a research facility killing a load of Russians.

Russian soldier
Hey what do you think you're doing? The cold war is over.

Bond
We'll kind of explain that later.

006
007? But that's two 00 agents on one mission,?I thought we'd be more spread out there's only 9 of us.

Bond
This could get dangerous, stay sharp.

006
Oh no you didn't!  I'm never going to regret betraying you now.

Bond blows up the weapons facility and escapes by free falling into a plane.

Audience
Does Pierce Brosnan want to be the next super man as well?

The opening sequence rolls with the best sound track since Gold finger. Bond then has a car race with Onatop. Even though his car is 40 years older than hers they stay neck and neck. That is until Bond realises he hasn't kissed a girl yet in this movie.

Evaluator
This  isn't helping my evaluation of you Bond.

Bond
I'm being evaluated? But I've saved the world as we know it 16 times and I'm still in my 30's.

M
I'm trying to establish my authority here.

Bond
Whoa M your a woman, I have the deepest respect for women really. Now where can I find a  pretty Bond girl who won't try to kill me.

M
Well there's Natalia the one person I don't mind you de-cloathing, that cardigan makes her look older than me.  Oh and can you do something about the Goldeneye, it destroyed the special effect guys  models.

Bond
Nothing can ever replace models.
Q
And here's the new car model a BMW you'll be using it for a total of 2 minutes during the movie. Still I'll give you a full rundown of the features seeing as they're now a sponsor.

Bond meets 006 again in some kind of graveyard.

Bond
You again! Its like some reoccurring end of level boss.

006
This would make a good game I agree. Now to establish myself a bit more. I'm doing all this because my parents were betrayed by the British.

Bond
I thought it was the French that you didn't like. Though it's nice to have adifferent motivation and not just money. Still I've got sixteen shillings here if it would help you change your mind? Sorry about the scar by the way William Dodd was a dangerous character.

006
I care not for your sympathies. Now die!.

He doesn't in typical Bond fashion.They are taking for interrogation, Bond escapes as General Orumov foolishly leaves himself disarmed. We see that Russian soldiers are as good at aiming as stormtroopers.

Director Martin Campbell
We have nothing against the Russians honestly.

Bond chases after Talia in a tank. For once he has a reason for being invincible. Apparently Russians are poor drivers as well as most cars drive right into him.

Bond
How did such an exciting chase turn into such a boring level on the Nintendo game.

006
Bond escaped?

General Orumov
Of course he escaped you left him right next to the eject button in loose bindings. Look now he wants to play chicken with the train.

006
Ram him! After all what could possibly go wrong?

Talia spikes Boris and tracks him by finding out 10 country's he's not in rather than the one he is.

Bond
Yep that really narrows it down.

They fly to  a large satellite dish which has to be hidden under a lake. Because there is no possible way the Goldeneye can be controlled by anything less than satellite dish which is a mile in diameter. He gets caught again.

Boris
We're going to use the Goldeneye to erase records in London.

Bond
Your doing all this to commit fraud. Don't you think they have backup.

Bond escapes AGAIN!

006
How is he escaping so many impossible situations. Who's writing this Bernard Cornwell?

006 chases Bond round the dish.

006
Why did we make this thing so big? I need to do the quick march.

They fight at last and Bond stops 006 from falling to his death.

006
For King George James?

Bond
No Sharpe for me.

006
I'm not  ahhhhh.

006 falls to his death, the dish blows up, Bond saves the day and the cavalry show up far too late to help.

Pierce Brosnan
Now I know how Sharpe felt.





Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

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