James Bond Goldenneye: First Draft Parody Script

Good movie better game

Opens with Bond bungee jumping down a dam.

Audience

Is that really the best way to get down a dam?

Director Martin Campbell

Look you're the ones who didn't like the last rougher more realistic Bond.

Audience

True we'll never like such a Bond again.

Bond walks around a research facility killing a load of Russians.

Russian soldier

Hey what do you think you're doing? The cold war is over.

Bond

We'll kind of explain that later.

006

007? But that's two 00 agents on one mission,?I thought we'd be more spread out there's only 9 of us.

Bond

This could get dangerous, stay sharp.

006

Oh no you didn't!  I'm never going to regret betraying you now.

Bond blows up the weapons facility and escapes by free falling into a plane.

Audience

Does Pierce Brosnan want to be the next super man as well?

The opening sequence rolls with the best sound track since Gold finger. Bond then has a car race with Onatop. Even though his car is 40 years older than hers they stay neck and neck. That is until Bond realises he hasn't kissed a girl yet in this movie.

Evaluator

This  isn't helping my evaluation of you Bond.

Bond

I'm being evaluated? But I've saved the world as we know it 16 times and I'm still in my 30's.

M

I'm trying to establish my authority here.

Bond

Whoa M your a woman, I have the deepest respect for women really. Now where can I find a  pretty Bond girl who won't try to kill me.

M

Well there's Natalia the one person I don't mind you de-cloathing, that cardigan makes her look older than me.  Oh and can you do something about the Goldeneye, it destroyed the special effect guys  models.

Bond

Nothing can ever replace models.

Q

And here's the new car model a BMW you'll be using it for a total of 2 minutes during the movie. Still I'll give you a full rundown of the features seeing as they're now a sponsor.

Bond meets 006 again in some kind of graveyard.

Bond

You again! Its like some reoccurring end of level boss.

006

This would make a good game I agree. Now to establish myself a bit more. I'm doing all this because my parents were betrayed by the British.

Bond

I thought it was the French that you didn't like. Though it's nice to have adifferent motivation and not just money. Still I've got sixteen shillings here if it would help you change your mind? Sorry about the scar by the way William Dodd was a dangerous character.

006

I care not for your sympathies. Now die!.

He doesn't in typical Bond fashion.They are taking for interrogation, Bond escapes as General Orumov foolishly leaves himself disarmed. We see that Russian soldiers are as good at aiming as stormtroopers.

Director Martin Campbell

We have nothing against the Russians honestly.

Bond chases after Talia in a tank. For once he has a reason for being invincible. Apparently Russians are poor drivers as well as most cars drive right into him.

Bond

How did such an exciting chase turn into such a boring level on the Nintendo game.

006

Bond escaped?

General Orumov

Of course he escaped you left him right next to the eject button in loose bindings. Look now he wants to play chicken with the train.

006

Ram him! After all what could possibly go wrong?

Talia spikes Boris and tracks him by finding out 10 country's he's not in rather than the one he is.

Bond

Yep that really narrows it down.

They fly to  a large satellite dish which has to be hidden under a lake. Because there is no possible way the Goldeneye can be controlled by anything less than satellite dish which is a mile in diameter. He gets caught again.

Boris

We're going to use the Goldeneye to erase records in London.

Bond

Your doing all this to commit fraud. Don't you think they have backup.

Bond escapes AGAIN!

006

How is he escaping so many impossible situations. Who's writing this Bernard Cornwell?

006 chases Bond round the dish.

006

Why did we make this thing so big? I need to do the quick march.

They fight at last and Bond stops 006 from falling to his death.

006

For King George James?

Bond

No Sharpe for me.

006

I'm not  ahhhhh.

006 falls to his death, the dish blows up, Bond saves the day and the cavalry show up far too late to help.

Pierce Brosnan

Now I know how Sharpe felt.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

James Bond On Her Majesty's Secret Service: First Draft Parody Script

I watched this again after a snowboard holiday to Lauterbrunan where a lot of it was set. I think Lazenby made a different but good Bond and that it's a good movie. I always like a good ski chase.

Opens with a pointless scene of Q describing some tech. But everyone likes Q so it’s ok anyway.

James Bond

I’m George Lazenby every bit as good as Sean Connery please like me.

Audience

Boo.

James Bond

Come on give me a chance.

Audience

A small chance maybe. But we will scrutinise every breath you take.

James Bond

I might as well kill myself in the sea like that pretty girl… Wait a pretty girl? Things are looking up.

Bond rescues Tracy who has passed out after a minute of paddling. Tracy runs as Bond is attacked by two inept henchmen.

James Bond

Would it help now if I broke the fourth wall and referenced my predecessor?

Audience

No that’s the worst thing you could do.

James Bond

Oops too late.

Tracy

Bond James Bond we meet again.

James Bond

It’s just James Bond. You don’t have to say Bond at the beginning.

Tracy

But you always say…

James Bond

I know what I say; it is a difficult habit to break.

Tracy

Ok… Shall we start falling in love then?

Henchman

Seeing as my boss wants to encourage this romance I’d better interrupt them.

Bond fights the henchman destroying a lot of furniture in the process.

James Bond

I will not kill you or even question your intent. I’m sure leaving loose ends won’t cause me any trouble in the future.

Henchman & Friends

Come with us.

James Bond

Drat.

Draco

I got my men to kidnap you to show how cool and dangerous I am.

James Bond

But I could have killed them. If you want to be a cool Bond character try shaving your moustache.

Draco

I like you and even though you’ll be a danger to her I want you to marry Tracy. I’ll even give you a million dollars for it. Casting an unnecessary shadow over your motivations for the rest of the movie.

James Bond

Great our love story is going to be hard enough to establish as it is.

M

I’m taking you off the Blofeld case.

James Bond

But I’m the only one who’s ever managed to get close to him.

Money Penny

I’m sure you could find him in just two weeks if you put your mind to it.

James Bond

I could find him in just a day if I wanted to.

Money Penny

Suuure.

Louis Armstrong’s “We have all the time in the world” continues to play in scene after scene as the audience glare at their watches.

Money Penny

Bond you’re not Hugh Grant stop romancing and let me drive you to your objective.

Bond finds his elusive nemesis after looking up his name in some archives. He finally heads to the alps. Skiers in the audience cheer up immensely.

Blofeld

What the? Why are you wearing a kilt?

James Bond

I’m Scottish can’t you not tell from my splendid accent?

Blofeld

But your 2780 metres above sea level it is the dumbest place to wear a kilt. Go and get changed.

James Bond

Jolly good.

James Bond

As I’m in love with Tracy I’m going to sleep with one of these Angels of Death of death. Ooh hypnotic mood lighting.

Having such an exciting setting Bond decides to go curling. The one winter sport no one ever wants to see.

Blofeld

Now that I’ve seen through your feeble disguise let me describe my ingenious plan.

James Bond

That is awfully nice of you but not the wisest move. Are you really so insecure that you need to impress me with your plans.

Blofeld

How dare you insult my wisdom? Now let me lock you in this room which you will easily escape from.

Finally there is a ski chase, but Bond manages to lose one of his skis.

James Bond

Now I wish I was on a snowboard.

Henchman skiers

Did you hear that? Make sure his death is slow and painful. Uh oh a cliff ahhh!

James Bond

Dummies.

Tracy and Bond go car curling on an ice rink.

Tracy

James how do we get out?

James Bond

Try the exit?

Tracy

James you are clever.

James Bond

Could you save the adoring looks for when we’re not driving at high speed on ice?

They ski down from the resort… which is at the bottom of the mountain….

James Bond

We’re being chased again better put my goggles down.

Tracy

What are they bullet proof? Goggles are meant to be down all the time to protect from snow blindness.

James Bond

We’re just being filmed in the studio anyway. I hope technology improves in the future. What if I ever need to kite surf a wave onto an iceberg.

Tracy

It would probably look worse.

They get caught in a huge avalanche with tons of snow cascading down upon them Bond and Tracy are buried under just 5 cm.

Skiers in the audience

Why bother getting transceivers?

Director Peter R Hunt

Because this is Bond even if he was at the start of the avalanche he would have survived.

Blofeld

Seeing as Tracy survived Bond must have died.

Tracy

That doesn’t make sense.

Blofeld

Let’s go.

M

We have decided to solve this threat by doing nothing.

James Bond

It’s a good job I have a lot of holiday time built up. I feel like some more skiing.

M

OK have fun.

They attack the base and destroy a lot more furniture. Oh well we are in the land of IKEA.

Henchman

Ha-ha I have you now.

Tracy

Hmmm I really don’t like this wall decoration. I’ll knock it down with your head.

Henchman

Ow! You’re strong; they’ll probably just replace it anyway.

Draco

Come on we have to go.

Tracy

But what about James?

Draco

He’ll probably die in the explosion. I hope you’re over that depression.

Blofeld

Ha-ha and people thought I was mad putting a bobsleigh run in.

James Bond

Well I can drive anything. I can even shoot at the same time. Even if I did forget that during the car chase.

I think this series needs to branch off with its villains.

Blofeld

Quips really aren’t your thing are they? Argh!

James Bond

That must have killed him.

Audience

Shouldn’t you check? You have been chasing him for two years.

James Bond

But that would involve hiking back up.

James Bond

We’re married Mrs Bond. I’m so a happy a woman I love actually lives.

Blofeld

We can’t have that. *Bang*

James Bond

My wife is... This is the saddest Bond ending ever.

Audience

It gets worse for generations to come terrible skiers will attempt the Shilthorn run, thinking they are Bond and humming the theme song.

James Bond

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.