Sunday, 14 August 2011

James Bond Tomorrow Never Dies: First Draft Parody Script

This is one of my Bond movies. It's inteligent in it's use of the Media as an enemy.

Opens with a terrorist arms market on top of a mountain.

Missiles, planes, guns. I wish one of us had thought to bring a snowboard.

Bond sees a plane  carrying nuclear missiles.

Russian General
I was wondering where I parked that.

General Git
If our missiles hit that...

Nothing will happen,  nuclear weapons need to be self detonated.

General Git
M this is a movie.

Fine. Oh no, oh no.

Bond escapes with the plane.

Director Roger Spottiswoode
See, see I'm deceiving you like the media does. As I'm showing you in this film... this overly sponsored, Hollywood film.

We think this film needed to go through a few more drafts.

The title sequence is long.... and as usual kills off any excitement built up by the opening.

British sailors killed by the Chinese. We suspect Eliot Carver.

Not surprising no one can put breaking news in a newspaper. You'd think he'd use his radio, or television stations.

I want you to go to his party and get information out of Elliot's wife.

Is she Russian, I can't imagine a mission that doesn't involve Russians.

Times change. At least the Chinese are communist.

Here's your new BMW and this time you get to use the features. You can use this mobile phone from our new sponsors Erricson to control it.

The phone stays in shot for a few more seconds before Bond goes off to see Elliot.

Agent Lin
Hello I'm your Chinese counterpart. I'm more focused, a better fighter and can actually work undercover. Still as your a man you'll be saving me at the end of the film.

Hello I could be one of the most interesting Bond villains in years. Shame my acting is so over the top. Still I do get to spout some crazy lines, I'm like a walking newspaper.

Nice to meet you. Honestly a villain who isn't a physical threat is refreshing. Your stock goons on the other hand.

Bond gets beaten up by the stock goons, then he beats up the stock goons in return. This conveniently happens next to the power controls.

Stock Goons
Why do we always make the same mistakes?

Go and get some information from Mr Bond.

I told you I don't know that banker.

I know you're poor at figuring out secret identities but you don't fool me.

Paris goes and sleeps with Bond, because that's what you do when your being watched by a murderous husband.
Bond then goes and breaks into a lab meeting Agent Lin who is doing dangerous spy work in stylish high heels.

Makes sense. As does a 300 million pound satellite sitting here for me to push over.

He rushes back to save Paris., but she's been killed by the films best villain.

I'm so good they couldn't write more than 5 minutes of me. I'd better shock myself with your super mobile phone.

Bond tries to escape in his sledge hammer proof BMW using his super mobile phone.


Bond gets bored of this after a while and like a kid chucks the car off the building endangering many innocent lives. Only he finds this funny.

Wade even though your the most ridiculous agent I've ever met, I need your help to skydive to a sunken ship.

No problem skydiving from 5 miles up is always that accurate.

Bond sky-dives.

If only Terri Hatcher could see me now.

Bond goes down to the wreck and bumps into Agent Lin.

Agent Lin
What remarkable timing.

They are then captured by Elliot's goons.

What remarkable timing. May as well explain my plan, be rude not to seeing as your here.

Very good of you.

Bond and Lin escape on a motorcycle which appears to be as invincible as a tank. The enemy has a helicopter but instead of  tracking them from up high it tries to shoot them from ground level. Bond predictably makes it crash.

That was stupid of them.

They track down the stealth ship, after Agent Lin shows off her Kung Fu on more nameless goons who seem to have forgotten their guns.

Agent Lin
How come neither of our countries have these stealth ships.

Well the media is powerful. Must be transmitting propaganda, everyone is ignoring it.

Agent Lin gets caught by the villain AGAIN!

I feel like another monologue. Tomorrow never dies.

I’d say Tomorrow never lies.

Yes that does sound better why didn’t we use that?

Bond shoots a goon whose trying to sneak up on him.

Sorry Elliot I tuned out for a moment.

Wow a Bond one liner which isn't cringe worthy but actually witty. That's worth a star rating  by itself.

Bond  blows up part of the ship with mines, very original. They escape after some more standard gun fights and the usual gruesome death of the villain.

Agent Lin
Shall we call the ships to pick us up.

No even though we're tired, cold and risk being lost at sea, lets get romantic on this smoking hulk.

This ridiculous conclusion loses the film one star rating.

Copyright © Nathan Groves
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

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