Opens with Nightcrawler charging through the White House beating up guards, in a sequence that's better than all of the combined action in the first film.
Audience
Alright!
None of the guards die.
Night Crawler
Good I won't have to feel guilty later.
A guard manages to graze Nightcrawlers arm with a bullet.
Night crawler
Ow, ooh that somehow jogged my memory. Better go.
Wolverine returns to the mutant school after a wasted journey, which thankfully happened in between movies.
Wolverine
You're bikes out of gas, and has a lot more miles on the clock. Oh and I'm sorry about the suspension, I'm a lot heavier than you.
Cyclops
Despite my anger I'm determined to enjoy every line I have.
Cyclops and Xavier go to visit Magneto..Xavier gets gassed and Cyclops gets knocked out more or less for good as far as the movies are concerned. Soldiers invade the school. Luckily for them it is the best time they possibly could.
Soldier
Good job there's no lightning yielding women around here. That would really put a dampener on our air assault.
Wolverine
Well I have metal claws.
Soldier
Metal claws ahh!
Wolverine takes out half a battalion of soldiers in a savage butcher like way. This movie is rated a 12?
Director Bryan Singer
Cool. Oh and remember kids knives are not cool.
Rogue
Is that enough Wolverine slashing for us to escape now?
Wolverine
Ummmm I'd quite like a brief chat with Stryker first.
Stryker
Hi.
Wolverine
Ummm.
Stryker
Hmm best to leave the revelations till the end of the movie. I will let you escape now.
Wolverine
OK chow bub.
Pyro
Shall we hunted mutants, running for our lives take this conspicuous car with dodgy doors?
Wolverine
Sounds good to me.
*****
Dr Gray
Hey Night crawler want to come with us.
Night crawler
Yeh why not?
Wolverine
Screen time, screen time lalalalala.
Cyclops
Don't rub it in.
Bobby's dad
What exactly are you professor of?
Wolverine
Art.
Pyro
You should see how he makes marks with his claws, very stylised.
Rogue
Just please don't ever cut your way through a door by making an X shape.
Bobby's brother calls the cops, neglecting to tell them his house is filled with ice wielding mutants. The cops get beaten up but none of them die.
Wolverine
Morally convenient. I like it.
After some business with the US air force the X Men have a cosy camp fire with Magneto.
Storm
Anyone got some marshmallows?
Dr Gray
Shouldn't the air force still be looking for us?
Magneto
Just go with it. I have some exposition to get through and Bryan Singer doesn't want the audience to get bored.
They fly to Stryker's base. Wolverine (Mystique) walks up to door and attempts to get in by posing.
Sargent Lyman
Shall I let your dangerous unstoppable mutant in sir?
Stryker
Absolutely, what could go wrong?
The X men enter Stryker's base dramatically (off screen)
Stryker
Right you're the last of my soldiers left alive so I want you to guard cerebro.
Sargent Lyman
What about leaving Lady Death Strike with us?
Stryker
She's no use against Magneto, she's made of metal.
Sargent Lyman
But so are our guns and grenades.
Stryker
OK then bye bye now.
Magneto takes over cerebro and gets Professor Xavier to target humans.
Professor Xavier
But don't I consider mutants humans as well?
Magneto
Just target the ones without powers, the mutants and Jack Bower. I'm not at all like Hitler, honest.
Stryker
The Death Strike is the most powerful weapon in the universe I suggest we use it.
Lady Death Strike
Actually I'll use myself whilst you run away. Just keep your adamantium bullets handy in case I fail.
Stryker
I used to think you were one of a kind... well you and your brother. How is Sabretooth these days? Has he managed to get a hand manicure yet?
Wolverine
Wait a minute your Lady Death Strike? Wow you've lost a lot of weight.
Lady Death Strike
You mentioned my weight problem, you are so dead!
Wolverine and Death Strike fight, helpfully avoiding stabs through the head, as that would end the fight pretty quickly. Of course Wolverine eventually wins.
Dr Gray
We've got to stop the professor.
Storm
Good idea. Night crawler beam us in.
Dr Gray
But I'm the only one who can establish a mental link with Xavier.
Storm
I just need more to do, OK?
They beam into Cerebro.
Storm
Tonight's forecast a freeze is coming.
The X Men escape but the dam ruptures and they are about to drown.
Audience
Can't Ice Man freeze the water?
Ice Man
Are you kidding, have you seen how much there is?
Dr Gray
OK I'll sort it out, I need more character development.
Later in the White House.
Professor Xavier
We're not here to threaten you, but we are.
President
O...K
Professor Xavier
Hmmm nice to be back at the school, I'll smile as I sense the Phoenix, even though I'm terrified of her in the sequel.
Dr Gray
Ooh I'm making a phoenix shape in the water. I can't wait to be the central character of the next film.
Wolverine
WHAT? We can't have that. Bryan why don't you go and direct the new superman movie, even though it would be a really stupid idea.
Director Bryan Singer
Good idea.
Phoenix
Nooooooooooooooo!
Fin
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced
With Out Permission.
