James Bond Dr No: First Draft Parody Script

Opens up with the startling scene of the viewer being shot. Talk about opening with a bang.

We then see 3 blind men walking through the city.

Director Terence Young

This is a far cry from the parody movie of Casino Royale… really!

Audience

Errr?

The 3 blind men turn out to be assassins.

Audience

Phew.

We then meet Bond, James Bond at the Poker table.

Audience

Errr?

James Bond

This isn’t like the last movie. Honest! Just look how suave I am.

Money Penny

Fancy starting off the next 50 years of sexual tension.

James Bond

Haven’t you noticed how direct I when it comes to getting the women I want? You should really take the hint.

M

I am the most important man in british intelligence. IAM NOT JUST HERE FOR EXPOSITION!

James Bond

What is my mission then!

M

Sigh…You get to go to Jamaica. Lucky you. But whilst sunbathing try to find a man called Strangways. Oh and take a new gun, a PPK. It will help you with your invincibility.

Bond arrives in Jamica where we get the first thrilling car chase of the franchise… where Bond is being chauffer driven…

James Bond

Talk!

Chauffer

Ok, but first let me have a cigarette.

James Bond

Ok but you know smoking will kill you.

Chauffer

You’re right. Gak!

James Bond

I really should have seen that coming.

*****

James Bond

That wasn’t very subtle. Taking a photo of me like that.

Photographer

I hope that one day cameras will be smaller. Much smaller!

James Bond

Tell us who you work for or we’ll hurt you.

Felix Lighter

Bond you’ll casually kill hundreds of men. You’ll even casually endanger women and children for a cool stunt. But you always have a soft spot when confronted with a single beautiful woman. Now enough time wasting, we need to talk to Dr No.

James Bond

Oh that is just wonderful he really does sounds like an agreeable character.

The fantastic and thrilling Bond theme continues to get played as we watch James Bond… sending a cable and collecting his car keys?

James Bond

These rock samples are radioactive? I will not show any concern though. I will just proceed straight to Dr No’s secret lair.

We get a classic Bond car chase with the use of rear projection. They sure used to struggle with getting the perspective right on these old special effects. Fortunately for Bond the enemy car doesn’t appear to have any brakes.

Quarrel

I’m not sure about taking you to the island Mr Bond. I’m a black man in a 60s action movie, I’m bound to have a horrible death.

James Bond

Maybe, but this is going to be a long franchise, you should try and have a memorable place in it.

Honey Ryder

That’s certainly my intention.

James Bond

Wow that entrance will definitely leave an impression. The white bikini is enough to forget even the bad song dubbing and hopefully this weird idea that you would come to a dangerous island just to collect shells.

Honey Ryder

My motivations maybe dubious, but I am a critical part of this story… Really!

James Bond

Really.

Honey Ryder

I can help you, I know the island well.

James Bond

Ok show us. Just leave behind anything you don’t really need… like proper clothing…

*****

Quarel

Look Mr Bond a dragon! Wait I’m not that stupid… let’s needlessly shoot it.

Quarrel shoots away and gets his death scene. They then go to the hidden lair of Dr No.

James Bond

Hello Dr No you’ve been introduced into this movie really late haven’t you?

Dr No

Well I hope to live on in a variety pf parodies.

James Bond

Interesting. So what brings you here?

Dr No

I was once a treasurer for a large criminal organisation called  S.P.E.C.T.R.E. But I left them after stealing 100 BILLION DOLLARS!

James Bond

HAHAHAHA! Dr No this is 1962 that amount of money doesn’t even exist.

Dr No

Ok, ok it was just 10 million.

James Bond

And you spent a million dollars on the fish tank? You must really love fish…and lasers?

Dr No

No.

James Bond (Looking crestfallen)

What a shame.

Bond gets thrown into an inescapable cell.

James Bond

Inescapable? No its not it’s easy I just need to use my show to get into this oversized air/water vent.

Q

You escaped uing just your shoe? We can’t have that. I’d better make myself busy. How are you going to stop Dr No? By throwing some switches?

James Bond

Just one actually.  Now come here for a climatic fight Dr I Barely Know.

Dr No

No, no I’m beaten. Why are all of my minions running away like cowards.

Where is my number 2 guy to help?

Bond rescues Honey Ryder and escapes just in time.

James Bond

The boats out of fuel but that’s no reason to delay our loving.

Honey Ryder

But we could die out here.

James Bond

Don’t be silly, my name is Bond, James Bond.