Opens with a long shot
of a remote and unimportant space station.
Six
Hello, I’m the sex… I MEAN THE SIX!
Officer
Right… Well it’s nice that you finally decided to meet with
us again.
Six
Actually we have come back to wipe out the human race in a
surprise attack.
Officer
By destroying this insignificant outpost first? How is that
going to help you maintain the element of surprise?
Six
You’re worried about that? This is the crucial time for your
diplomatic skills to shine through.
Officer
Oh… Gak!
Six
Too Late.
Meanwhile on the
Battlestar Galataca.
Reporter
Thank you for joining our exposition tour. Look how old and
nostalgic everything looks.
Captain Kelley
Sir I just want to say what an honour it has been to serve you.
I am sorry to see you retiring.
Commander Adama
I’m getting a sense of foreboding with everyone telling me
this.
Captain Kelley
Don’t worry Sir nothing bad has ever happened to someone
just before retirement.
Liutenant Gaeta
It’s been an honour serving with you sir!
Commander Adama
Please change the subject.
Lieutenant Gaeta
Please tell me that Colonel Tigh is retiring too?
Commander Adama
Change the subject back.
*****
Colonel Tigh
Show me the way to go home… Oh *cough* hello Commander. I
wish to press charges against Kara Thrace for assaulting a senior officer.
Commander Adama
But I like Thrace,
I’m sure she’s learnt her lesson.
Colonel Tigh
You are far too lenient Commander. Imagine what could happen
next time. I could have a gun pulled on me… A top secret military craft could
be stolen…. Half the crew could mutiny…
Commander Adama
Enough! Get your drunk ass out of here.
*****
TV reporter
Welcome to our timely interview with Dr Balter about the
development of computer technology.
Dr Balter
As everyone is aware previous development led to a long war which cost millions of lives and nearly caused our own extinction.
TV reporter
And your counter argument?
Dr Balter
Errr we shouldn’t be afraid of the past… err icloud?
Six
Nice interview.
Gaius Balter
People who don’t trust us computer experts are idiots.
Six
Of course. Now about getting me access to your colonies
defense systems?
Gaius Balter
Not a problem.
Lee Adama lands on the
Galataca with a professional level of bad attitude.
Chief Tyrol
Wow you you can’t even disguise your hate for your father
from complete strangers? I bet you’ve put it aside when it’s helped your career
though.
Captain Apollo
Shut up chief.
Chief Tyrol
* Sigh*I could do with a friendly officer tight now. Oh high
boomer.
Later in the flight
room
CAG
Apollo you have the honour of flying the Viper Mark 2 which
your father flew 40 years ago.
Captain Apollo
And that’s an honour? It’s a piece of junk.
CAG
It will raise a huge amount of nostalgia with the fans. It
will also inexplicably outfight even the newest CYLON raiders. She might not
look like much but she’s got it where it counts kid.
*****
Captain Apollo
You're locked up again, will you ever respect authority?
Starbuck
How much respect do you have for our commanding officer?
Captain Apollo
Well…
Starbuck
Forget it. Lets just start the "will they won’t they" sexual
tension.
Captain Apollo
Sorry Starbuck you’re a nice guy but I’m not gay.
Starbuck
I’m a woman!
Captain Apollo
Oh… yes of course you are! It’s just that your haircut was a
lot more feminine before.
*****
Commander Adama
Why do you hate me so much Lee.
Captain Apollo
Because of you, my brother Zak died!
Commander Adama
But you hated me before that for some reason?
Captain Apollo
Oh yeah… I’m sure I’ will explain that one day…
*****
Lietenant Gaeta
The Cylons are attacking. Set condition 1. All hands to
battle stations!
Crewman 1
But my station was removed last Tuesday.
Crewman 2
I have a battle station without any ammunition.
Commander Adama
Sigh. All I ask for is a tall ship and some big guns to frak
up the Cylons with. Put me on the loud speakers.
Lieutenant Gaeta
You’re on Sir.
Commander Adama
The Cylons are attacking our colonies. How? Why? It doesn’t
really matter now.
Lieutenant Gaeta
Doesn’t matter? The entire human race is at stake and you
don’t want to know how they’re getting through our defences?
Commander Adama
Never question my command abilities!
Dee
Sir I’ve just had news of equipment malfunctions across the
fleet. Battlestar’s have been deactivated like someone had just thrown a
switch.
Lieutenant Gaeta
Quite! You heard the Commander.
Meanwhile not so very far
away in space
CAG
We’re going in. Caprica! Frak yeah! Gak!
Helo
Get us out of here.
Boomer
Thanks for the reminder. I sometimes forget that they’ll
want me dead.
*****
Laura Roslin
Time to handle this crisis in a calm and logical manner.
Reporter
I don’t think you can handle this in a calm and logical
manner.
Laura Roslin
But I just said I would.
Reporter
Oh yeah you did. Never mind, ignore my poor attempt to start
a panic.
*****
Boomer
We will have a lottery to decide the last few seats in the
Raptor. It’s the fairest way.
Helo
But some of these people are old enough to be our grand
parents. Isn’t it more logical to save the young and fit?
Boomer
Don’t worry I’m sure an old person wouldn’t take a seat at
the expense of one of these kids parents.
Meanwhile the Galataca
comes under attack.
Commander Adama
Launch Vipers.
Starbuck’s Viper
Fizz!
Cally
We put our best pilot in the worst Viper?
Chief Tyrol
Just fix it and hope this isn’t a big problem.
A couple of minutes
later.
Cylon Nuke
Boom!
Colonel Tigh
Oh great this is really interfering with my drinking time.
*****
Reporter
Captain there’s a problem…
Captain Apollo
Ask me what I’m looking at and why!
Reporter
Ok… what are you looking at and why?
Captain Apollo
Electric pulse generators from the Galataca. To avoide a
deux ex machina later.
Reporter
I’m glad I asked.
*****
Laura Roslin
Here transmit this message.
Colonial Pilot
Ok... Hey wait this is a resignation letter!
Newly made President
Roslin
Fine send this one instead.
A little later she
gets a message back.
President Roslin
This is going to be a tough presidency…
Back on the Battlestar
Galataca.
Colonel Tigh
Most of the fleet is destroyed. We have no one in command.
Commander Adama
Yeah we do… Hey where’s my chair?
Colonel Tigh
You’ve never had a chair.
Commander Adama
What are we afraid the Cylons can hack our chairs? I’m
getting to old to go without a chair.
Colonel Tigh
But…
Commander Adama
Just take us to Ragnar station. Maybe they’ll have some
chairs…and hopefully some ammunition.
A few weird jump shots
later…
Commander Adama
I get the feeling we’ll be doing lots of jumps in the future.
Lieutenant Gaeta
Don’t worry Sir we won’t see those weird perspective shots
again.
Colonel Tigh
That was the jump drive? I just assumed I was suffering from
alcohol withdraw.
Enter Ragnar Station
Commander Adama
What do you think you are you doing here?
Arms dealer Cylon
Getting these weapons so that I can sell them.
Commander Adama
You can’t do that. It’s theft of military property.
Arms dealer Cylon
Then why isn’t the base guarded?
Commander Adama
We have certain security measures such as like faulty equipment carriers…
Look out!
Equipment carrier
Boom!
Commander Adama
I really should warn my crew about those.
*****
President Rosilin
Boomer I think you have saved humanity by collecting us
altogether like this,
Boomer
Yay… why don’t I feel happier about that?
Billy
Captain Apollo says we should transfer everyone off of the
non jump capable ships.
President Roslin
Obviously! Why didn’t we think of that before?
A Cylon scout appears
Billy
Oh boy.
Captain Apollo
Madame President you can either jump the ships or stay here
and get blown to pieces. But you have to make a decision and you have to make
that decision now!
President Rosilin
Do it! Sigh it’s hard to believe not even 24 hours has
passed since the attack started. I really need a nap.
*****
Petty Officer Dualla
We showing incoming colonial ships.
Colonel Tigh
Confirm there ID!
Petty Officer Dualla
The Cylons have penetrated our most advanced computer systems.
Surely they can fake our ID’s.
Colonel Tigh
Ok then blow them up!
Petty Officer Dualla
Err, there must be some kind of middle ground here?
*****
President Roslin
We need aid.
Colonel Tigh
I knew we should have blown you up?
President Roslin
What?
Colonel Tigh
Err nothing. Look you may be my new Commander and chief, but
since my opportunities of career advancement disappeared with the rest of the
fleet I can still be rude to you.
*****
Commander Adama
The Cylons look just like us now.
Colonel Tigh
Oh no they could be anyone… As long as they haven’t
restricted themselves to just a few designs.
Commander Adama
Why would they do that?
Dr Baltar
Phew it’s a relief that you’ve figured it out for yourselves…
I’ll work on a detector right away.
In the Galataca Hanger Bay
Starbuck
Zach failed basic training. I passed him because we were in
love.
Captain Apollo
Whoa, this changes everything.
Starbuck
Will you hate me like you hated your father?
Captain Apollo
No you're too pretty.
*****
Dr Baltar
Done it! I’ve detected my first Cylon.
Colonel Tigh
That was quick. Maybe the human looking Cylons won’t be such
a threat after all.
Dr Baltar
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We need to leave room for
some tension and last minute surprises. Also there’s some new and suspicious
equipment in CIC.
Colonel Tigh
What does it do?
Dr Baltar
Surprisingly nothing as you survived the last Cylon attack.
*****
President Rosiin
The war is over, we have to run.
Commander Adama
I’m a soldier, my duty is to fight.
President Roslin
The only chance the human race has is if we get out of here
and start having babies.
Commander Adama
Ooh that does sound exciting.
President Roslin
I didn’t mean me and yo….
Commander Adama
(Walking off) I’ll give it my consideration.
Back in CIC
Lieutenant Gaeta
.They have us surrounded but don’t appear to be approaching
us.
Colonel Tigh
Why should they come to us? They can wait us out; we’re the
ones who need food, air, fuel...
Captain Apollo
I’m pretty sure the Cylons need fuel too… unless you mean that alcohol is a type of fuel.
Colonel Tigh
Shut up!
Commander Adama
We’ll go where no man has gone before to avoid the Cylons.
Mr Gaeta send these jump coordinates to the fleet.
Lieutenant Gaeta
Why are you handing me the coordinates? I’m the one who
worked them out.
Commander Adama
Oh yes of course. Carry on.
The battle commences
with many dazzling manoeuvres.
Lieutenant Gaeta
We’ve got missiles impacting.
Commander Adama
Colonel Tigh. Take care of the damage control teams again.
Colonel Tigh
But we’re withstanding the blasts this time.
Commander Adama
We are?
Colonel Tigh
Yes it appears that the Cylons have a smaller nuclear
arsenal than the USA.
Commander Adama
Well we’ll just have to settle with all our dangerous glass
partitions breaking.
Lieutenant Gaeta
The civilian ships have jumped. But Starbuck and Apollo are
still out there.
Colonel Tigh
We have to leave.
Commander Adama
We may have abandoned billions of people but we’re not
leaving those two. They’ve had too much character development.
On the Comm
Commander Adama
Starbuck, what do you hear?
Starbuck
I’m a little busy here commander.
Commander Adama
*Sigh* Ok just rescue Apollo in some kind of spectacular fashion then.
The Galataca escapes
and makes time for a mass funeral service.
Commander Adama
Wow this is a depressing start to the series; I’d better
give a rousing speech.
“We are going to earth”
Crowd
Yeah, woohoo, yeah!
Commander Adama
Steady on there with the cheering. This is still a funeral.
Colonel Tigh
Do you think the Cylons can follow us?
Commander Adama
Well it’s been 32 minutes since we last saw them, I’m sure
we still have a lot more time before we see them again.
Fin
