The Terminator: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with an excitingly bleak future scene, but this will have to be explored in a much later film. The action happens tonight! Well tonight for anyone watching in1984, for everyone else it will soon look dated.

Arnold Schwarzenegger arrives into movie stardom, killing some random punks.

Terminator

Even though my muscular build is far bigger than any of you, your clothes will fit perfectly.

Bill Paxman

Why does this always happen to me?

Reese drops through time onto concrete.

Reese

Ow! Why do the Terminators always arrive gently? At least I've arrived right next to a clothes store, sweet.

Cop

Hey you!

Reese

Thanks now I have some guns as well.

The Terminator gets a mundane car but a whole load of guns.

Terminator

I want a gun with laser sighting.

Gun salesman

Why would you need that with your cyborg vision?

Terminator

It will look more threatening on camera.

We see  Sarah Connor leading a life she hates.

Sarah Connor

I want something exciting to happen.

Reese

No you don't.

Sarah Connor

Hey are you following me?

Reese

Great I can avoid the police and killer cyborgs, but can't follow this one innocent lady unnoticed.

The Terminator approaches Sarah as everyone dances in slow motion, very scary. The Terminator is frightening as well.

Director James Cameron

Notice the club name is Tech Noir, clever huh?

Audience

Just show us some action we'll analyse later.

A lot of gun fire ensues, fortunately all of the Terminator's shots miss Sarah Connor.

Reese

This car chase seems like an exciting place for some exposition. I am from a future devastated by nuclear war. No one is sick or mutated by the radiation though, so we can fight off all the mean machines.

Sarah Connor

O...K.

Reese

I'm here to protect you.

Sarah Connor

How sweet, maybe this film can be marketed towards women as well.

Reese

No the studio believe this is only a minor action film. They can't be bargained with, they can't be reasoned with. They do not feel pity, or remorse, or fear, and they absolutely will not stop, ever, until they have made a quick buck.

They get captured by the police after the invincible Terminator decides to do a runner.

Lieutenant Traxler

I'm a black man in a sci fi film, that Terminator is bound to kill me soon.

Sarah Connor

I feel for you but this is my story.

Lieutenant Traxler

Sorry.

Dr Silberman

I would like us to cover any potential plot holes please. Why no future guns?

Reese

Something about keeping the film grounded in the present, I don't know script stuff.

Dr Silberman

Why kill the other Sarah's?

Reese

Even the all powerful Sky net can't help making some screw ups with paper work.

Dr Silberman

Why not try to kill Sarah when she's a defenceless kid?

Reese

Well they had to conveniently send the Terminator back to the time of John Connor's conception.

Dr Silberman

I see. Well that's a pretty tight story, I still think you're a loon though.

Terminator

I have remembered how tough I am. Take me to Sarah Connor.

Cop

No.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

I'll be back. Ooh I like that.

The Terminator crashes through the glass doors conveniently placed at road level and starts shooting up the police station.

Lieutenant Traxler

I'm going to lock you in here, rather than get you out of the station safely. Don't worry though.

Sarah Connor

This is what I pay taxes for?

Sargent Vukovich

I wish one of us had the guns from the squad cars. At least those can knock the Terminator down for a minute.

Reese and Sarah escape and go to a motel which helpfully has a 24 hour guard dog.

Sarah Connor

I'm sorry mother I can't possibly give you my address. Not possible. No! But I will give you the hotel's number so that they can tell you.

Terminator

Sucker (hangs up).

Sarah Connor

Hmmm that conversation was suspiciously abrupt. Oh well if I don't give out clues the Terminator could take years to find us and this film isn't an epic.

Reese

I've got some ingredients to build bombs.

Sarah Connor

What about ingredients for a meal, don't you eat in the future?

Reese

Must concentrate on fighting.

Sarah Connor

Couldn't you find us some guns then?

Reese

Big guns are more the Terminator's style not mine.

Sarah Connor

Not wanting to state the obvious but you must have had a bad child hood. Little hope, low expectations.

Reese

I love you.

Sarah Connor

Good I don't have to find myself a boyfriend to father John.

Terminator

Sorry to interrupt domestic bliss but... hey where did you go?

Sarah Connor

If you tried running rather than just a menacing walk you might catch us.

Another chase ensues. The Terminator is knocked off his motor bike, run over by a tanker then has the tanker blow up with him inside.

Arnold Schwarzenegger / Terminator

If I could feel emotion I would be angry.

A now completely metal Terminator comes through the Tanker's flames.

Director James Cameron

Yes, a dream realised.

Sarah and Reese run into the Cyberdine factory, although that name is no where to be seen. There is a surprisingly strong yet quick to lock door though.

Reese

Good. That should buy us enough time for a quick nap.

Sarah Connor

Not now soldier.

Reese manages to blow up half the terminator but dies in the process.

Michael Biehn

Sigh, none of my character's have sequel potential.

Half the Terminator crawls after Sarah Connor.

Sarah Connor

If my leg wasn't injured this could be amusing. I would dance around you all day.

She crushes the Terminator in a hydraulic machine, helpfully activated a minute earlier.

Sarah Connor

Finally the Terminator's dead, Now it's time to drive into this very unsubtle metaphor.

 

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