Opens with the infected attacking a cottage, to fit with horror cliché 101 anyone who has a weapon drops it.
Don
Yes this really is another original take on the horror genre.
Alice
Don please help us.
Don
With what? This isn’t an American house, we don’t store machine guns in the name of self defence.
Alice
It’s a shame, this is the only scenario where civilians would need guns big enough to stop a tank. Wait where are you going?
Don
Running from these zombies I hope you make it though.
Cut to London where none of the soldiers are freaked out by the thousands of dead bodies they had to clear up.
Attendant
Welcome to London pretty scary huh?
Passengers
Not really Heathrow customs has never been so welcoming.
*****
Major Scarlet
We’re bringing in children? That doesn’t make sense.
Brigadier General Stone
It’s because London is safe now.
Major Scarlet
How do you draw that conclusion?
Brigadier General Stone
The infected must have all starved by now.
Major Scarlet
Within 28 weeks? What if they started eating wild animal and bugs? What if the rage virus actually gave them enough rage to start eating each other?
Brigadier General Stone
Our intelligence indicates…
Major Scarlet
I question your intelligence.
Brigadier General Stone
….
Major Scarlet
I think I’ll just keep my common sense to myself.
Brigadier General Stone
You do that.
*****
Major Scarlet
Well kids you’re perfectly healthy and safe for now.
Andy
Ummm why are soldiers cleaning roof tops when there are loads of dead bodies around.
Tammy
Shh! don’t ask too many questions this film could really launch our acting careers.
*****
Don
Kids it’s so good to see you. Even though you were far safer where you were.
Andy
Why did they send us back here?
Don
Because no where in the world could accommodate the few refugees that escaped Britain.
Tammy
Not even Poland? How ungrateful.
*****
Andy
So Tammy fancy risking our lives for the sake of a picture?
Tammy
But we can’t get out of here, this is one of the most securely protected places in the world.
Andy
Sure we can we’ll just crawl past the guards.
Tammy
Seriously?
Tammy and Andy run around London, laughing at the death around them and ruining any tension or realism built up so far.
Tammy
I’ll go into this pizza place because the bike keys are bound to be easy to find. Yuck here’s one of those zombies that starved… surrounded by half eaten pizzas?
They then find their mother who has also managed to find food.
Major Scarlet
This woman is a serious threat so we should bring her right into the middle of the civilian population.
Soldier
That doesn’t make much sense.
Major Scarlet
Just make sure you guard her!
Soldier
I can’t you never asked anyone to guard her; this is just your imagination trying to cover up the guilt you fail to express later in the film.
Don
I guess we’ll have to go on a Trisha show “Why I married a zombie.”
Alice
No no no don’t get suspicious it will spoil the rest of the film. Just kiss me; I have no resentment over you abandoning me.
Don turns into zombie and escapes as easily as he entered. Despite being strapped down Alice doesn’t even have a simple alarm to call for assistance.
Brigadier General Stone
We’ve got an outbreak, could you all remember how to shoot please. The first people to get attacked were armed soldiers.
*****
Major Scarlet
Stick close to me kids part of code red appears to be turning off any useful lights which could show us which people are infected.
Andy
And containing us in a room without guarding us or properly locking the doors. Still as I’m a main character I’ll choose the one escape route no one else thinks of.
*****
Major Scarlet
Great they’re killing everyone and they’re ignoring my radio calls so I can’t even tell them I told them so.
Nameless civilian 1
You want to know what I think.
Major Scarlet
I guess I’ll have to until a sniper helpfully reduces our number of non essential characters.
Sergeant Doyle
Hello I’m here to be heroic and prove at least one soldier in the US army isn’t trigger happy.
Major Scarlet
Great. Shut up civilian!
*****
Soldier
Sir a few of the infected escaped the fire bombing.
Brigadier General Stone
We’ll have to hunt them down.
Soldier
Why not leave them to starve? It shouldn’t take as long as it did last time.
Brigadier General Stone
Our threat needs to remain as a metaphor in the film. Even if I’m never going to be seen again.
Despite running around London aimlessly the infected manage to find the survivors. The last nameless civilian dies but so does our short lived soldier hero.
But I want to be in a sequel. Ahh!
Catherine McCormack
So do I. Better escape into the subway.
Tammy
Do you really think you can convince two terrified kids to go down there in the pitch black.
Major Scarlet
Don’t worry there’ll be a mysterious light source when we reach the tunnel.
Don
I’d better attack you now then.
Andy
Dad please don’t kill me.
Don
Don’t worry us Zombies have a pattern, kill a person, infect a person, kill a person, infect…
Tammy
Then eventually some survivors escape. Sorry Dad you had to get shot eventually.
*****
Tammy
Please take us Mr under used pilot Sir.
Flynn
Sure I may have been flying all night and all day but I still have enough fuel to take you across the channel and wont even ask some much needed questions.
*****
French
We’ll be alright we have plenty of garlic.
Infected
We’re Zombies not vampires.
French
Oh, then we surrender. Non non Ahhhh!
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.
1 comment:
I guess there is to be a "to be continued" parody, eh...???....It kept me interested
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