Star Trek: Into Darkness: First Draft Parody Script

Opens on a very TOS like planet. The nostalgia begins.

Spock

Keep her steady I’m about to jump into this erupting volcano.

Uhura

How is that logical Spock? There must be an easier way to deliver the device?

Spock

Well yes, but think of the excitement Uhura.

Meanwhile Kirk and Dr McCoy are running along the planets surface.

Dr McCoy

We’re out of sight let’s beam up.

Captain Kirk

We can’t we hid the ship underwater.

Dr McCoy

What? But why?

Captain Kirk

We have to stay undetected from the natives.

Dr McCoy

I’m pretty sure they haven’t invented telescopes yet Jim. But I must admit the Enterprise does look cool underwater.

Spock

I’m trapped Jim, protocol says that you should leave me here to die.

Captain Kirk

Protocol also says that you should call me Captain, so I don’t need you to lecture me. We’re coming to get you.

Cut to Earth and whoa they’re in London, they’re finally showing a future city that isn’t San Fransisco.

John Harrison

I can save your daughters life, just do me one little favour.

Starfleet officer

You can save her life with just one vial of blood? Maybe you’re not Khan then. He was a genetically enhanced human, not Jesus.

#####

Admiral Pike

Hello Captain, Commander.

Captain Kirk

Yo.

Admiral Pike

I don’t think that you’ve been taking your rank and responsibilities seriously.

Captain Kirk

What ever.

Admiral Pike

You lied in your Captains log. It’s a serious crime, we need the audience to have absolute faith in the Captains Log so that we can deliver tons of exposition.

Captain Kirk

How did you know?

Admiral Pike

I read Commander Spock’s log.

Captain Kirk

Snitch!

Admiral Pike

Don’t be surprised it is completely in character for him to tell the truth. You have been relieved of command. You’re clearly too immature, I don’t know why we didn’t realise this sooner,

Captain Kirk

I can’t believe that you think that I’m not ready for Command… I’m going to get drunk.

Admiral Pike

Don’t get too drunk I’ll be calling you back as my first officer soon. No disrespect Spock.

Later in a highly exposed secret meeting room.

Admiral Marcus shows an image that goes into unnecessary 3d.

This is the man we’re hunting.

Everyone

Who is he?

Admiral Marcus

For all our time travel adventures it sure is a good thing that earth history isn’t studied at the academy. He’s nobody, honest, just some nut called John Harrison. He’s highly intelligent.

Captain Kirk

Inteligent enough to attack our vulnerable meeting room?

Admiral Marcus

DAAAAAHN!

Khan arrives in a powerful looking gunship which has surprisingly weak weapons.

Captain Kirk

Hmm, shots from this phaser rifle don’t work I might as well just chuck it into the engine.

Gunship engine

Bang!

Captain Kirk

Woah I can’t believe that worked.

#####

Captain Kirk

Harrison is on Kronos.

Spock

How did he get to Kronos?

Captain Kirk

It is best not to ask such questions. The important thing is that we have 72 missiles to kill him with.

Spock

Starfleet wants us to blow up all of Kronos?

Captain Kirk

Well no… I guess they just don’t trust our aim.

Spock

This is morally and legally wrong.

Hardcore Trekkies

In this dumbed down new Trek we doubt they care.

Captain Kirk

Ok change of plan we’ll capture him.

Hardcore Trekkies

Oh.

They fly down to Kronos and the Klingon patrols wait until they’re almost at the surface before trying to stop them.

Captain Kirk

I’ll use my brilliant, never before seen piloting skills to avoid them.

A minute later the Klingon patrol descends on and traps them.

Klingons

Your strategy suggested 2 dimensional thinking.

Captain Kirk

Thanks I will try to remember that.

Uhura

What is with the masks.

Klingon

It’s for a dramatic make up reveal that no one really cares about.

Uhura

So you guys have become the main villain again?

John Harrison

We can’t have that.

He kills the underused Klingons and then surrenders to Kirk.

Captain Kirk

Cuff him and put him into the brig.

John Harrison

You’re not just going to lock me into some comfortable crew quarters.

Captain Kirk

Why would I do something stupid like that? Who are you anyway?

Khan

My name is Khan.

Captain Kirk

KHAN!

Khan

No need to shout. Just Khan.

####

Captain Kirk

Dr McCoy I need you to anakyse a missile with Dr Marcus.

Dr McCoy

Will I have time for some funny flirting too?

Dr Marcus

Please don’t you might make Kirk jealous.

Later on the bridge

Sulu

There’s some kind of ship approaching.

Captain Kirk

Chekov is our warp drive back online?

Chekov

No Keptin I’m wearing a red shirt I can’t risk dangerous engineering work.

Captain Kirk

Just fix it.

Enter the USS Vengeance

Captain Kirk

Hello Admiral that’s a massive ship, how did that get built in secret?

Admiral Marcus

Just hand over Khan Noonian Singh.

Captain Kirk

You’re not here to tow us? Fine we’ll warp to earth ourselves.

Admiral Marcus

You could cause serious damage to your engine.

Captain Kirk

I’m sure it wont be anything a good kick can’t fix.

Sulu

Sir, the Vengeance is catching us up!

Captain Kirk

Is that possible at Warp?

Sulu

Sir it has always been possible.

The Enterprise gets attacked by the Vengeance with some great damage effects shots. But then the Vengeance loses power.

Scotty

Guess where I am?

Captain Kirk

Scotty? You’re on the Vengeance?

Scotty

Ai Captain. This top secret ship doesn’t have security measures.

#####

Khan

You want my help to take the Vengeance?

Captain Kirk

Yes you helped to design it. For a ship made by someone from the early 21^st century it sure is powerful.

Khan

Ship envy?

Captain Kirk

A little.

Khan

Diving through space in a space suit, how excitng, I bet they’ll never see this coming.

Captain Kirk

Actually I’ve done this before, not so long ago.

Khan

Oh well it’s exciting for me.

Vengeance security officer

Who are you? What are you doing here? How many questions do I need to ask before your friends arrive?

Scotty

Keep asking, we like our  long action sequences. Star Trek has a budget again, it’s exciting.

Captain Kirk

Weeee! Thanks for keeping the door open. Mr Scott shall we use your overrides to cut off oxygen to the bridge?

Scotty

I just said we’ve got a bigger budget now.

Captain Kirk

Ok let’s storm the bridge.

Spock

Hello I am calling just to confirm my own suspicions about Khan.

Old Spock

I can’t always be your helpline, I’m not getting any younger you know.

Spock

Come on I’ve been holding for ages.

Old Spock

Oh ok Khan is the most dangerous adversary we ever faced, well besides the gods, but I  doubt JJ Abrahms will give you any of those.

Spock

Thank you, I will now proceed as I had planned to anyway.

#####

Khan (shooting)

Ha ha I love violence. Gak!

Captain Kirk

Good shot Scotty. Keep an eye him.

Scotty

Will do Captain and I’ll keep an eye on him by standing really really close. Ahh!

Khan

I’ll beam you back to your ship. Commander Spock drop the shields so that I can beam over the missiles.

Commander Spock

Ok.

72 missiles in the USS Vengeance hull

Boom!

Khan

Why didn’t I just beam over the cryo tubes?

Commander Spock

I laugh at your superior intellect.

The Enterprise loses power and starts falling to earth.

Captain Kirk

I keep telling Sulu not to park so close to earth doesn’t he know how to set a static orbit?

Scotty

Come on we have to get the engines back online, thankfully Khan beamed us near to them.

Captain Kirk

I’d sacrifice myself to fix it but I guess it’s a very technical procedure.

Scotty

Oh no it just need a swift kicking.

A minute later.

Sulu

Power is restored.

Spock

Where’s Kirk?

Sulu

He’s in engineering stealing one of the best scenes your character ever had.

Spock

Noooo!

Captain Kirk

You have been and always will be my friend.

Spock

Somehow I think this moment would be more significant if this was a lifetime friendship. I mean I only met you a year ago.

Spock shouts a line which a lot of the audience hate but deep down they longed to hear.

Spock

Beam me down I’m going to get Khan.

Scotty

Are you sure you don’t want to take some red shirts, they come in handy.

Spock

Would you like to help me Mr Scott?

Scotty

Err no.

Khan

Woah I’m sure glad my bones didn’t shatter when the ship crashed. Being genetically enhanced sure makes life easy.

Spock

Stop!

Khan

I am superior… I will run.

They have a long fight scene across several flying vehicles before Uhura has the sense to give Spock some backup.

Uhura

Keep him alive, his blood can save Kirk’s life.

Spock

But he’ll never give consent to such treatment.

Uhura

Let’s just skip the moral implications this time.

One year later

Captain Kirk

We are gathered to rechristen the USS Enterprise and remember all those who we lost,until I saved the day and learnt humility. Whilst being awesome.

Starfleet command

Just get out of here kid.

Captain Kirk

Ok. Space the final frontier… This is so cool that I finally get to say the lines.

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

7 Reasons to Support Rather Than Hate Andy Murray

1

Shot Variety and Return of Serve

In a time when players often try to just overpower their opponents Andy Murray's style is fascinating to watch. His mixing up of pace, spin and slice gives us some exciting tennis as he constructs his points. The 2012 year has also shown him becoming more aggressive which has given us some beautiful shots to watch.

Andy Murray also has one of the best return of serves in the game. It is astonishing to see some of the serves he returns and even more astonishing to watch some of the winners he can strikes from a fast serve. A great and recent example of this was the match point against Tsonga in the Wimbledon semi finals.

2

Success under huge pressure

Andy Murray has faced the greatest pressure of any Tennis player in the open era. It is the price he’s paid for representing Great Britain. A nation that hadn’t seen a singles champion since the often over looked Virginia Wade in 1977. But as we are constantly reminded no British man had won a singles title since 1936.

Andy Murray has been alone in the men’s singles draw for most of his career. With the next best British man being ranked over 200. Untill this year Britiain has also lacked any notable success in the women’s singles.

Which has left all of the focus resting on Murray. If we compare this to some of the other big names in tennis:

Roger Federer has had

Stanislas Wawrinka whose reached a career high ranking of number 9.

Martina Hingis who reached a career high ranking of number 1 and won 5 single Grand Slam titles.

Rafael Nadal has had

David Ferrer who’s reached a career high ranking of number 4 and is still in the top 10.

Carlos Moya who reached a career high ranking of number 9.

Novak Djokervic has had

Janko Tipsarevic whose reached a career high ranking of number 8 and is still in the top 10.

Ana Ivanovic whose reached a career high ranking of number 1.

Jo Wilfred Tsonga has had

Michael Llordra whose reached a career high ranking of number 21 and has won 3 Grand slam doubles titles.

Andy Roddick has had

Serena Williams who had 13Grand Slam titles before he retired

Venus Williams with her 7 Grand Slam titles

John Isner whose reached a career high ranking of number 9.

Mardy Fish whose reached a career high ranking of number 7.

Whilst Andy Murray has had

Tim Henman who reached a career high ranking of number 4, but retired in 2007. Since then it’s just been him for the men and until 2012 no British woman had passed the 3^rd round of a Grand Slam or won a WTA title.

Also along with Australia, France and America, Britain has even greater expectations on its players as the host countries of the Grand Slams. But none of these countries have had such a long drought in Tennis success. At least Britain has had some success with the 2007 mixed doubles from Andy’s brother Jamie Murray. Also Jonathan Marry won a Wimbledon title in the 2012 men’s doubles.

3

On Court Demeanour

He is often criticised for his yelling, but he always shows respect to officials and other players. He says he directs frustration at his support box because its better than directing it at people on the court. It is not because he blames them.

4

Personality

Humility is a rarity amongst the big sports stars but Murray has always shown it. He gives praise to his opponents and isn’t quick to make excuses if he fails. He may not be as loud or outgoing as some other players but it’s refreshing to see a quieter and humbler personality at the top of a sport. Also considering the over reaction to his England joke it’s not surprising that he now acts very serious with the press. All we have to do is re watch the emotional Wimbledon final defeat and  the Olympic Gold triumph to see how passionate he is.

5

Work ethic

No matter how many disappointments Murray has faced he has always worked hard to be the best he can be. As testified by his coaches, his friends and his peers who respect him. His dedication to training and tournaments has been shown by his recently missing the Olympic closing ceremony. He will also miss the BBC’s sports personality of the year award to concentrate on his training.

6

He is not anti English

It’s good to address this, as amazingly it is still a major criticism. He made one joke about the England football team on the radio after being teased about the Scottish team performance. This turned into an anti English story. Unfortunately people leapt onto this rumour rather than look at the discussion itself. A small amount of research will show his real attitude and that it’s best not to read the trashy newspapers and magazines.

He says he is proud to be both Scottish and British which is fortunate to all of the English, Welsh and Irish tennis fans who want a home hero to support. It was also clear how proud he was to represent Team GB at the Olympics.

7

He inspires

After overcoming some of the greatest tennis players of all time this year he has inspired a new generation to sports. Tennis clubs are reporing increased numbers. Also the Murray family has an interesting new sporting initiative called Set4Sport to encourage people from a young age.

Here is a link to the initiative Set4Sport

Doctor Who: Asylum Of The Daleks: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with an atmospheric but far too short voiceover

Voiceover

First there were the Daleks then there was the Doctor.

Audience

Really? The Daleks are older than the Doctor?

Voiceover

It’s all relative.

Undercover Dalek

Help my daughter is in a Dalek prison camp.

Doctor

She couldn’t have escaped, nothing that impossible has ever happened in my life.

Undecover Dalek

Fine I’ll just shoot you.

The Doctor, Rory and Amy are taken to the Dalek ship.

Doctor

Fine you have me and it was ridiculously easy for you. Just shoot now and end all of your troubles.

Dalek Prime minister

We do not need you’re perfectly good advice on how to finally exterminate you. We are Daleks! No one matches our perfection!

We brought the time lords to the knees! We are the nightmare of millions of races! 

Help us!

Doctor

Wow and I thought absence would make me fear you more.

Cut to Oswin being annoyed by noisy Dalek neighbours.

Audience

Noo! It’s too soon Amy and Rory can’t be going already!

Cut back to the Doctor

Dalek Prime minister

We are not really weak we just want you to do the dirty work. Lower the planets shields so that we can destroy it and we’ll let you live... We Promise!

Amy

Are you crossing your tentacles when you promise?

Doctor

How many Daleks are down there?

Rory

What colour are they?… sorry I couldn’t think of another good question.

Doctor Who fans

Hey! That’s a really important question to us!

The Doctor and his companions get shot at the Asylum Planet and land in some beautiful snowy mountains.

Doctor

Ooh scenic.

Mysterious man

Yet unnecessary. Come. Let’s get back onto the cheaper sets. I’ll show you my crew.

Doctor

They’re dead.

Mysterious man

But I’ve only been gone 5 minutes.

A Dalek eye stalk starts to grow out of his forehead.

Doctor

Right push him into the cupboard Amy. These Daleks are becoming more and more Borg like.

Amy

And zombie like.

Doctor

What? Ahh! Zombie Daleks. I can’t handle the walking dead as well. I like more chatty enemies. We’ll just run. Zombies are really slow.

Amy

This nano field is very effective. I hope they never set one up on earth.

Doctor

If they do I hope I’m the one who fixes it and not torchwood.

Oswin Oswald

Hello again. I’m tracking you’re progress and need to get in on your light banter. Doctor I don’t like your chin.

Doctor

Hey I’m trying to save you here!

Rory enters a Dalek scrap yard

Rory

Hmmm quite Daleks. I’m sure there’s no danger here.

Scrap Dalek

Assimiliate… I mean eggs.

Rory

Eh?

Scrap Dalek

Give me a break I haven’t been serviced for a while. Let me try again. Exterminate! Exterminate!

Oswin Oswald

Run!

Rory

I know, I know. It’s what we always do.

*****

Doctor

There are trillions of nanos in the air and they’re changing you.

Amy

Yet another slow working change.

Doctor

Yeah got to keep the drama up and it could do wonders for your marriage.

Rory

Hello again.

Doctor

Good. Have a chat you two. You have been through far too much to separate now.

Oswin

Hey Doctor there are more important things to think about.

Doctor

Like where you get your milk?

Oswin

I’ve been fending off millions of Daleks and you’re asking about milk?

Doctor

If I’m going to have a new companion I fancy one that bakes.  Jammie dodgers aren’t as nice as something freshly made.

Oswin

Just come and get me.

The Doctor finds an unprotected long range transporter in this Dalek prison…ok… well he needed some way to get out.

Doctor

You’re a Dalek! Sorry there’s absolutely NOTHING that I can do. Well I’ll probably think of something but for the moment I still have two companions.

Oswin

Don’t forget me, you owe me a big favour for erasing the Dalek’s memory of you.

Doctor

Yeah that was amazing. I wish we had you around during the time war. Actually since it’s so easy can you erase there memories of everything else. Like how to build eachother, or how to wage war. Make them forget how to live.

Oswin

Too late the planet is exploding.

Doctor

Sigh the Daleks used to be destroyed by a few pushes of the button.

Steven Moffat

Not on my watch!

The Doctor beams to his Tardis.

Doctor

Hello again it’s me, the Doctor

Daleks

Doctor Who?

Doctor

Err no one. Don’t ever do any research into my name or into this mysterious blue police box. It’s definitely  not worth your time.