Captain America: The First Avenger: First Draft Parody Script

Parody script review of Captain America

Opens with some men searching the artic and finding a crashed craft. For one horrible moment the audience thinks they’ve walked into the Transformers movie.

Scientist

Oh wonderful it’s Captain America’s shield. Now the audience will spend the entire movie disappointed that they wont be seeing the World War 2 setting again.

Cut to  Norway 1942

Red Skull

I’ve come for Odin’s Tesseract.

Guard

You’re in the wrong movie. Odin was back in May.

Red Skull

No blonde and super strong  hero with his signature weapon is going to stop me then?

Guard

Well…

Cut to New York City where a puny Steve Rogers regards standing up to someone who talks in the cinema as a heroic act.

Bucky Barnes

How many times must I save you?

Steve Rogers

I’ll always be there to save you if you need me.

Bucky Barnes

You’d better be.

*****

Henry Stark

Check out my  revolutionary car technology.

Audience

Hmm what’s it going to be. It’s 1942. Is the movie going to claim he came up with abs? Airbags maybe?

The car starts to hover. Then crashes.

Audience

Eh? They were experimenting with flying cars in the 40s?

Henry Stark

That worked really well, even though it was brief. Of course I can’t see it being developed fully even if it's given 69 years.

*****

Steve Rogers

I want to be a soldier not just some person working in a factory. Not that I want to devalue the hundreds of thousands of people who weren’t on the front line ofcourse.

Bucky Barnes

Of course.

Dr Abraham Erskine

I can give you the oppourtunity to be the soldier you’ve dreamt off all your life.

Steve Rogers

You’re German?

Dr Abraham Erskine

Of course, all the best scientists are German. Just wait until the space race. 

Cut to the secret research lab which is guarded by one little old lady. But she does have a massive gun.

Dr Abraham Erskine

Have I told you this is dangerous? No? Well too late.

Steve Rogers

Keep going I can handle the pain.

Colonel Chester Phillips

Are you sure you don’t need to get some more serum you’re almost out of it?

Dr Abraham Erskine

Actually that’s all the serum I have.

Colonel Chester Phillips

What? You do at least have notes on how to produce more right? You couldn’t have worked all this out in your head?

Dr Abraham Erskine

Relax. What are the chances of me getting killed and the secret being lost?

Dr Bruce Banner

You inconsiderate fool. Have you any idea what happens to me when I try to reproduce this affect?

Dr Abraham Erskine

Yes well a good scientist never experiments on himself.

Dr Erskine is shot by an assassin so well chosen Erskine’s able to recognise him.

Steve Rogers

I’ll catch him.

Colonel Chester Phillips

But you can’t even move properly and he’s got the last vial of serum.

Steve Rogers

Don’t worry I won’t let it…

Vial of syrum

*Smash*

Steve Rogers

Oops.

Colonel Chester Phillips

For that you can spend the rest of the war as a recruitment mascot.

We get a montage of Captain America on a recruitment drive. A nice nod to the comics original  purpose. He eventually gets sent to Italy and discovers Bucky Barnes is missing.

Captain America

I’m going to rescue him. Alone! Well besides actually getting there, I need your help for that.

Peggy Carter

Ok but at least tell me you have some kind of a plan?

He doesn’t. Captain America runs around Red Skulls compound unnoticed. Something that would be slightly more believable if he wasn’t carrying a useless shield bearing the American flag on his back.

Captain America

I’m rescuing you by opening the jail doors. I’ll leave the rest to you though, I have a friend to find.

Jacques Dernier

Quoi? Monsieur we will be slaughtered you haven’t even given us any guns.

James Falsworth

Oh come now old chap. We can escape without further help from this Yank. These are after all movie Nazis not realistic Nazis.

They escape against the odds, which we see briefly. Then we have to watch a far less satisfying confrontation between Captain America and Red Skull who decides to run away and destroy the facility for no good reason.

*****

Colonel Chester Phillips

I sure was a fool not to use a soldier we’ve spent years trying to create. We’ll get you equipped for more heroics. You’ll also get a promotion to a real Captain which is a standard movie reward for disobeying orders.

Henry Stark

Wow look how small and powerful this energy source is. Imagine what we could do with it. I could use it to build a flying suit with hand pulse weapons, groovy coulours, inteligent…

Captain America

Sounds like a nice pipe dream but I’ll be happy with this.

Henry Stark

You don’t want that it’s the best metal in the world and that’s all we’ve got…. And we used it to make a shield?

Captain America

Don’t worry  I wont lose it.

Henry Stark

Ok then if you promise.

Captain America picks a small multicultural group to fight with him.

James Falsworth

I’m British and I’m depicted as a competent soldier? Bravo writers. Winning the war was the effort of an alliance. Let’s go and destroy the Nazis. Wait who are you?

Hydra

We’re Red Skull’s break away group of soldiers.

James Falsworth

What? Are you telling me that even killing Nazis has become taboo?

Hydra

I’m not sure… hey when did jumping onto a train become safer than breaking the track?

Captain America and Bucky Barnes get attacked by some slightly more gadgetised Hydra soldiers. Bucky is blasted out of the train but manages to hold on.

Captain America

Don’t let go and give me your hand.

Bucky Barnes

I can’t do both! Why do people always assume that someone holding on for dear life is capable of releasing a hand and reaching out?

Captain America

Just try it.

Bucky Barnes

Ahhh!

Captain America

Wow that was a surprisingly long death shot.

*****

Colonel Chester Phillips

I need information on Red Skulls base.

Armin Zola

Why now? You’ve already shown yourselves to have icredible intelligence on us.

Colonel Chester Phillips

I need something to do. I may be overused in this movie but I want more.

*****

Captain America

I can’t get drunk.

Peggy Carter

We thought it might be one of the side affects with your fast metabolism and super healing powers.

Captain

One of the side affects? What else didn’t you tell me? And why can’t I get drunk? Wolverine can.

Peggy Carter

We need you as an upright American citizen. You can take revenge instead I think that’s more patriotic.

Captain America

I don’t seek revenge, I seek justice.

Peggy Carter

Well that can work too in this time period. In the future you might find things a little more complicated.

Cut to the out skirts of Red Skulls base.

Captain America

I’m riding a motorcycle which shows that I’m cool despite my outfit.

Red Skull

Not as cool as my soldiers and weapons.

Captain America

Yes I’ve been meaning to ask you what’s the idea with them? Is that tank really even practical, it makes such a big target for an air assault, it can't move very fast. As for the soldiers did you mistake Star Wars Storm Troopers for Nazi Storm Troopers.

Red Skull

I’m evil no logic is needed, I just try to go for style. Now I’m going to shoot you… slooowly….

Dum Dum Dugan

Don’t worry we’ve arrived to rescue you. We sure got in a lot easier than you did, it’s amazing what you can do with a zip wire.

Captain America

Thank you my band of brothers. I want to stick with you but it’s my duty as the title character to have a confrontation with the villain alone.

Colonel Chester Phillips

Need a ride.

Captain America

Yes I need to get onto that massive plane. Unless our attack on this base has air support?

Colonel Chester Phillips

I’m afraid not. Now go. Go!

Peggy Carter

Just one quick kiss I can’t be the movies romantic interest without at least one kiss.

Colonel Chester Phillips

Ahhh! Phew that was close. That one kiss with Captain America almost got us killed. What were you thinking?

Peggy Carter

Give me a break it’s all I’m going to get and clearly worth putting the world in danger for.

*****

Red Skull

Oh no there’s nowhere to run *cough* I mean you are doomed Captain America.

Captain America

You know if you hadn’t of broken away from Hitler you probably would have had enough troops to defend your base.

Red Skull

I don’t need them when I have this cool blue cube. Look at the colours they’re so pretty. Wait I’m being beamed up noooo!

Captain America

Weird but he must be dead. And I’m dead too. I can’t let these bombs reach America. I’ll crash into the artic.

Peggy Carter

No! Land the plane we’ll difuse them.

Captain America

I can’t I don’t have any flying skills.

Peggy Carter

What about that aerial battle 5 minutes ago.

Director Joe Johnson

Just go with it please we’re trying to get the Avenger characters together.

Cut to many years later.

Captain America

I’m in the future?

Nick Fury

It’s gets worse I’m here to pointlessly show your recruitment.

Captain America

Wouldn’t it be more fitting if Tony Stark did that? To give the end some kind of human connection instead of this weirdness. All I can think about is my lost dance. Do couples still go dancing in the 21^st century?

Fin

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Snowboard Review: Santa Cruz Allstar 20th Anniversary Edition

Riding conditions
I rode the Allstar over 7 days so I was able to take it all over there mountain and see how it handled both ice and powder. It is a 158 ridden with K2 auto bindings and my position was set one back from centre.

Design
The Anniversary edition has a simple but stylish design which is only fully appreciated
 close up. It is easy to customise with your own stickers and the red stands out nicely.

Flex
A medium to stiff flex.

Riding the Pisted runs
The board felt fast on the slope with the new sintered base having a definite advantage over the extruded bases of previous years. It felt quick going edge to edge and was stiff enough to be stable at high speeds. The addition of dampening in the sidewalls under the bindings helped the board to be a bit forgiving on rough terrain as well. The board was also easy to hold through long carves and it popped well from one turn to another.

Riding Powder
The longer nose helps to keep the board afloat but didn’t make it too hard to ride switch through the powder. I was able to cruise comfortably with the board feeling light and easy to make turns. There are plenty of holes to set the bindings even further back, but I still found my almost central stance ok.

Riding on ice
The edge hold did well for some really icy conditions; I only really lost the edge on the steepest parts of the slope.

Riding Switch
Despite being a directional board it still felt easy riding switch with a bit of an adjustment as it rides differently. But the difference is only slight.

Jibbing/Pop
The board poped well on both the nose and the tail as it’s a twin flex board. It felt solid on landings but being on the stiff side wasn’t the easiest board to butter.

Overall impression
The board felt responsive and steady wherever I took it. The pop is good but the board will not be the best for those wanting to concentrate solely on the park. I found the Santa Cruz Allstar great fun to ride. It was good for speed on the piste but I was never hesitant in going down off piste powder runs or going through the trees. It is a fun all mountain board, which I believe it is great value for its low cost.

Cutting Through The Crud: Picking A New Snow Board

Some of the crazy claims manufacturers have made over the years.

Deciding on a new snowboard is not easy. With so many a snowboard manufacturer describing themselves as the forerunner of snowboard technology and style. Excellent! You think now all you have to do is decide how much you can justify spending. Whilst you think about this you may as well look at the other snowboard manufacturing losers. Wait a minute! The first line you see on their page is “From our early pioneering days we have pushed snowboarding to ever greater levels.”

Eh? All advertisers have a certain artistic licence with there claims but no one can match a snowboard company in there claims at being the best.

Firstly I’ll mention the more down to earth and modest sites.

Palmer

Santa Cruz

Forum

Never Summer

Ride

Rome

Atomic

These are some actual claims from the least modest websites.

K2

Podium

 “The best board for the buck anywhere, the Podium is best in class combining superb technology and all terrain performance and versatility for any rider.”

Libtech

Swirl Sintered UHMW Base

A long name for a base which is described as “Slippery like banana” Great tech info guys.

Burton

By far the worst offender, but the company has come a long way since the days when they tried to patent the snowboard.

Vapour
Setting a standard that the competition can’t even fathom.

Ok…

Custom

From jumpers to jibbers, pow slashers to cruisers—this is without a doubt one board that everyone will have a blast on.

Except those who’ve been on the Vapour we assume.

Joystick

“three-stage rocker designs don’t get more turbo-charged than this”

Supermodel

“The Channel is snowboarding’s most direct connection—focusing power through a central connection spine that evenly distributes energy for added rebound and snap.”

Mayhem

Slow down. Just because the Mayhem™ is capable of supersonic speeds doesn’t mean you have to go that fast.

Faster than the Vapour and cheaper, brilliant. May as well go for the cheapest as they are all described as the best board.

Then there are statements which are just bizarre.

Balancing warp speed edge control and drive with force field stability on takes-offs and landings, (Burton website)

Those Trekkies wont be able to buy the board without some technobabble.

We even put the Deuce through our Infinite Ride™ factory break-in for perfect pop that lasts longer than you will.

So they’re saying the board will outlive me? When I’m snowboarding I really don’t want to think about my life expectancy.

Slow down. Just because the Mayhem™ is capable of supersonic speeds doesn’t mean you have to go that fast.

Don’t insult our intelligence.

To cut through the crud of snowboard boasts the best thing to do is talk to some experienced riders. There are a lot of good forums and a good shop should be able to help you. You can also look out for snowboard reviews but beware of reviews giving by snowboard pros who ride for that company.