Opens on a very TOS
like planet. The nostalgia begins.
Spock
Keep her steady I’m about to jump into this erupting
volcano.
Uhura
How is that logical Spock? There must be an easier way to
deliver the device?
Spock
Well yes, but think of the excitement Uhura.
Meanwhile Kirk and Dr
McCoy are running along the planets surface.
Dr McCoy
We’re out of sight let’s beam up.
Captain Kirk
We can’t we hid the ship underwater.
Dr McCoy
What? But why?
Captain Kirk
We have to stay undetected from the natives.
Dr McCoy
I’m pretty sure they haven’t invented telescopes yet Jim.
But I must admit the Enterprise
does look cool underwater.
Spock
I’m trapped Jim, protocol says that you should leave me here
to die.
Captain Kirk
Protocol also says that you should call me Captain, so I
don’t need you to lecture me. We’re coming to get you.
Cut to Earth and whoa
they’re in London
John Harrison
I can save your daughters life, just do me one little
favour.
Starfleet officer
You can save her life with just one vial of blood? Maybe
you’re not Khan then. He was a genetically enhanced human, not Jesus.
#####
Admiral Pike
Hello Captain, Commander.
Captain Kirk
Yo.
Admiral Pike
I don’t think that you’ve been taking your rank and
responsibilities seriously.
Captain Kirk
What ever.
Admiral Pike
You lied in your Captains log. It’s a serious crime, we need
the audience to have absolute faith in the Captains Log so that we can deliver tons
of exposition.
Captain Kirk
How did you know?
Admiral Pike
I read Commander Spock’s log.
Captain Kirk
Snitch!
Admiral Pike
Don’t be surprised it is completely in character for him to
tell the truth. You have been relieved of command. You’re clearly too immature,
I don’t know why we didn’t realise this sooner,
Captain Kirk
I can’t believe that you think that I’m not ready for
Command… I’m going to get drunk.
Admiral Pike
Don’t get too drunk I’ll be calling you back as my first officer
soon. No disrespect Spock.
Later in a highly
exposed secret meeting room.
Admiral Marcus shows
an image that goes into unnecessary 3d.
This is the man we’re hunting.
Everyone
Who is he?
Admiral Marcus
For all our time travel adventures it sure is a good thing
that earth history isn’t studied at the academy. He’s nobody, honest, just some
nut called John Harrison. He’s highly intelligent.
Captain Kirk
Inteligent enough to attack our vulnerable meeting room?
Admiral Marcus
DAAAAAHN!
Khan arrives in a
powerful looking gunship which has surprisingly weak weapons.
Captain Kirk
Hmm, shots from this phaser rifle don’t work I might as well
just chuck it into the engine.
Gunship engine
Bang!
Captain Kirk
Woah I can’t believe that worked.
#####
Captain Kirk
Spock
How did he get to Kronos?
Captain Kirk
It is best not to ask such questions. The important thing is
that we have 72 missiles to kill him with.
Spock
Starfleet wants us to blow up all of Kronos?
Captain Kirk
Well no… I guess they just don’t trust our aim.
Spock
This is morally and legally wrong.
Hardcore Trekkies
In this dumbed down new Trek we doubt they care.
Captain Kirk
Ok change of plan we’ll capture him.
Hardcore Trekkies
Oh.
They fly down to
Kronos and the Klingon patrols wait until they’re almost at the surface before
trying to stop them.
Captain Kirk
I’ll use my brilliant, never before seen piloting skills to
avoid them.
A minute later the
Klingon patrol descends on and traps them.
Klingons
Your strategy suggested 2 dimensional thinking.
Captain Kirk
Thanks I will try to remember that.
Uhura
What is with the masks.
Klingon
It’s for a dramatic make up reveal that no one really cares
about.
Uhura
So you guys have become the main villain again?
John Harrison
We can’t have that.
He kills the underused
Klingons and then surrenders to Kirk.
Captain Kirk
Cuff him and put him into the brig.
John Harrison
You’re not just going to lock me into some comfortable crew
quarters.
Captain Kirk
Why would I do something stupid like that? Who are you
anyway?
Khan
My name is Khan.
Captain Kirk
KHAN!
Khan
No need to shout. Just Khan.
####
Captain Kirk
Dr McCoy I need you to anakyse a missile with Dr Marcus.
Dr McCoy
Will I have time for some funny flirting too?
Dr Marcus
Please don’t you might make Kirk jealous.
Later on the bridge
Sulu
There’s some kind of ship approaching.
Captain Kirk
Chekov is our warp drive back online?
Chekov
No Keptin I’m wearing a red shirt I can’t risk dangerous
engineering work.
Captain Kirk
Just fix it.
Enter the USS
Vengeance
Captain Kirk
Hello Admiral that’s a massive ship, how did that get built
in secret?
Admiral Marcus
Just hand over Khan Noonian Singh.
Captain Kirk
You’re not here to tow us? Fine we’ll warp to earth ourselves.
Admiral Marcus
You could cause serious damage to your engine.
Captain Kirk
I’m sure it wont be anything a good kick can’t fix.
Sulu
Sir, the Vengeance is catching us up!
Captain Kirk
Is that possible at Warp?
Sulu
Sir it has always been possible.
The Enterprise
Scotty
Guess where I am?
Captain Kirk
Scotty? You’re on the Vengeance?
Scotty
Ai Captain. This top secret ship doesn’t have security
measures.
#####
Khan
You want my help to take the Vengeance?
Captain Kirk
Yes you helped to design it. For a ship made by someone from
the early 21st century it sure is powerful.
Khan
Ship envy?
Captain Kirk
A little.
Khan
Diving through space in a space suit, how excitng, I bet
they’ll never see this coming.
Captain Kirk
Actually I’ve done this before, not so long ago.
Khan
Oh well it’s exciting for me.
Vengeance security
officer
Who are you? What are you doing here? How many questions do
I need to ask before your friends arrive?
Scotty
Keep asking, we like our long action sequences. Star Trek has a budget
again, it’s exciting.
Captain Kirk
Weeee! Thanks for keeping the door open. Mr Scott shall we use
your overrides to cut off oxygen to the bridge?
Scotty
I just said we’ve got a bigger budget now.
Captain Kirk
Ok let’s storm the bridge.
Spock
Hello I am calling just to confirm my own suspicions about
Khan.
Old Spock
I can’t always be your helpline, I’m not getting any younger
you know.
Spock
Come on I’ve been holding for ages.
Old Spock
Oh ok Khan is the most dangerous adversary we ever faced,
well besides the gods, but I doubt JJ
Abrahms will give you any of those.
Spock
Thank you, I will now proceed as I had planned to anyway.
#####
Khan (shooting)
Ha ha I love violence. Gak!
Captain Kirk
Good shot Scotty. Keep an eye him.
Scotty
Will do Captain and I’ll keep an eye on him by standing
really really close. Ahh!
Khan
I’ll beam you back to your ship. Commander Spock drop the
shields so that I can beam over the missiles.
Commander Spock
Ok.
72 missiles in the
USS Vengeance hull
Boom!
Khan
Why didn’t I just beam over the cryo tubes?
Commander Spock
I laugh at your superior intellect.
The Enterprise
Captain Kirk
I keep telling Sulu not to park so close to earth doesn’t he
know how to set a static orbit?
Scotty
Come on we have to get the engines back online, thankfully
Khan beamed us near to them.
Captain Kirk
I’d sacrifice myself to fix it but I guess it’s a very
technical procedure.
Scotty
Oh no it just need a swift kicking.
A minute later.
Sulu
Power is restored.
Spock
Where’s Kirk?
Sulu
He’s in engineering stealing one of the best scenes your
character ever had.
Spock
Noooo!
Captain Kirk
You have been and always will be my friend.
Spock
Somehow I think this moment would be more significant if
this was a lifetime friendship. I mean I only met you a year ago.
Spock shouts a line
which a lot of the audience hate but deep down they longed to hear.
Spock
Beam me down I’m going to get Khan.
Scotty
Are you sure you don’t want to take some red shirts, they
come in handy.
Spock
Would you like to help me Mr Scott?
Scotty
Err no.
Khan
Woah I’m sure glad my bones didn’t shatter when the ship
crashed. Being genetically enhanced sure makes life easy.
Spock
Stop!
Khan
I am superior… I will run.
They have a long fight
scene across several flying vehicles before Uhura has the sense to give Spock some
backup.
Uhura
Keep him alive, his blood can save Kirk’s life.
Spock
But he’ll never give consent to such treatment.
Uhura
Let’s just skip the moral implications this time.
One year later
Captain Kirk
We are gathered to rechristen the USS Enterprise and remember all those who we lost,until I saved the day and learnt humility. Whilst being awesome.
Starfleet command
Just get out of here kid.
Captain Kirk
Ok. Space the final frontier… This is so cool that I finally get
to say the lines.
Fin
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.
3 comments:
Brilliant Star Trek Into Darkness parody, I really enjoyed reading this and looking forward to the next one :)
That was great
Very funny :-)
Post a Comment