Funny Insults Which Should Make Them Laugh #3

When my friend had her hair cut short she wasn't pleased with the result. She was going away to Australia for a year to study. Where she wanted to concentrate on studies and not date anyone. The conversation went something like this.

Friend
My hair looks awful.

Me
It look good. Really.

Friend
No it doesn't.

Me 
You look beautiful.

Friend
I look terrible.

Me
Look. You still look beautiful but you said you didn't want to date in Australia and I think the short hair will attract less guys because you stand out less. So it's a good thing.

She laughed... kind of. And forgave me eventually.

Help For Mums And Dads After The Newborn Arrives

 A tounge in cheek look at the affect of newborns on their parents

There are some unexplainable things that happen to parents after the newborn arrives. It is important to tackle these head on.

Mothers

Greying hair

This does of course come naturally through age, but it is much accelerated by the presence of kids. It is a bit harder for women to wear hats unless they’re at a wedding or going for a break dancing look. Hair dye is also expensive so it is important to not let your kids run you ragged and to slow down the onset of greys.

Diminishing Dance Skills

Break dancing may not be high on your list of priorities when you have little ones to look after. But it is crucial to keep practicing some form of dance even if it is only in the home. As with the Dads, Mums suddenly take on a plethora of silly moves after having kids. If you can  hold this back you will look amazingly talented when dancing with your husband.

Dull dress sense

So there’s a lot of things to buy the kids and your clothes may get damaged by dirty hands and running around. However you can still occasionally treat yourself. Being a mother doesn’t  automatically age you 20 years.

Increased paranoia

Being a mother makes everything look dangerous. This contributes to the greying effect mentioned above. It is not the end of the world for a kid to get a scrape and a bit of dirt isn’t always a bad thing. Not all tasty food is poisonous or strange music corrupting. The only thing to be paranoid about are those who really are out to get you.
However there is a lot of emphasis on the mother in recovering after child birth but what of the fathers? The arrival of children can have a drastic effect on men either subtle or insane.

 

 

Fathers

 

Loss of Dance Skills

Men who were once able to rip up the dance floor suddenly, start to dance  about as well as a drunken Kangaroo. Take some dance classes and try to go out clubbing at least once a month. Keep in touch with the music you like but listen to the new stuff as well.

Hair Loss

Although this is normally a hereditary trait, children often advance the process. Still you can always wear hats, it is a great accomplishment to seamlessly make the transition between caps and an old persons hat.

Poor Dress Sense

A child takes up a lot of a dads attention but it doesn't mean you can not take time over your appearance. Statistically a dads wardrobe ages by 15 years after the new arrival. Having mirrors around the house and a good group of honest friends will help with this.

Self Delusion

Remember, even if you have a kid to teach you still have to learn yourself. The idea that children make dads good at DIY has not yet been proven. It doesn't turn you into a sports star or a professor on any world topic.

Poor Jokes

Thinking you are funny when you are not. Making jokes which cause everyone to cringe. Humor that causes sadness not joy. A chorus of groans instead of laughter. This is a mysterious symptom which creeps up on men, taking over without them realising it. Going to see some good live comedy or watching comedy shows is the best remedy. NOT getting a joke book!

 

 

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

There's More to Me Than Hair: A Performance Poem

There's more to me than hair
Yet when people stop and stare
I hear Great Scott
My names not Scott
Am I just some caricature?
What are you looking at?
Looking at me?
Seeing some kind of crazy tree?
A wild mop escaping domestic slavery?
Good to be free, good to be free
But can you be free and always watched?
Or am I looking into this too much?
Hey look at him Side Show Bob
Yes you  I can see you I can hear
This hair's not thick around my ears
But thank you Sideshow Bob is intelligent and funny…. And homicidal
Look, look, look my name’s  not Bob
Bobs not my name
Bobs not my name
Bobs not my
No, no, no I’m not going to fit into some musical conformity
Just because I look black doesn’t mean I like hip hop R&B or rap
To me it all sounds like a load of… talented music made to suit a variety of different peoples taste
But it’s not for me
I can and will like Classical music and Rock
I think my hair is doing society good
My contribution to all people
Seeing a smile where before there’s a frown
Imaginations getting fired up
Instead of silence I get watsup
I can speak plainly or posh if I like
Yet yo yo yo, big it up de brudder…
What?
As people stare at me
And I stare at them
Until they realise that I’m staring at them, staring at me
I wonder what they’re thinking?
Do they think that I’m tough?
Or camp with my wave?
Do they think me a fool?
Or expect me to dance real cool?
I can be silly and deep
Eccentric and orderly
I’m going to be what I am created me to be
I’m going to be me!

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.